Friedman the second story
Introduction
Edwin Friedman’s book, A Failure of Nerve, delves into the complexities of human relationships and the challenges that can arise within them. As I revisit this book for the second time, I’ve decided to focus on a particular paragraph that has captured my attention. In this paragraph, Friedman writes, “Anyone who has ever been part of an imaginatively gridlocked relationship system knows that more learning will not, on its own, automatically change the way people see things or think. There must first be a shift in the emotional process of that institution. Imagination and indeed curiosity are at root emotional, not cognitive, phenomena. In order to imagine the unimaginable, people must be able to separate themselves from the emotional process that surround them before they can even begin to see (or hear) things differently.” Friedman emphasizes the importance of acknowledging that learning alone cannot transform the dynamics of a relationship system entrenched in imaginative gridlock. Furthermore, he asserts that imagination and curiosity, two critical components for fostering change and growth, are fundamentally emotional rather than cognitive phenomena. This perspective underscores the need to address the emotional aspects of relationships before any substantial transformation can occur.
Imaginative Gridlock and Emotional Processes
The concept of imaginative gridlock refers to a state in which a relationship system becomes stagnant, resistant to change, and unable to adapt or grow. This stagnation may stem from deeply ingrained patterns of behavior, unexamined assumptions, or unresolved emotional issues that hinder progress and stifle creativity. To overcome this gridlock, individuals must develop the ability to separate themselves from the emotional processes that envelop them, enabling them to perceive situations and relationships from a fresh, unbiased perspective.
Reflection and Application
This concept resonates with me as I reflect on my own journey and personal growth. I faced numerous challenges growing up, including physical and sexual abuse, abandonment, manipulation, and toxic situations that could have led me down a very different path. While I attribute my current position in life to God’s grace, I also believe that the choices I made through the guidance of the Holy Spirit played a crucial role in my journey.
In my earlier years, I found myself trapped in an imaginatively gridlocked relationship system, unable to envision a way out of the destructive environment I was in. The distance allowed me to detach from the emotional elements and experience a different system, ultimately providing the opportunity for growth and transformation. It wasn’t until I removed myself from that system that I could begin to imagine a better life for myself.
A few weeks ago, I attended my brother’s wedding and encountered people I hadn’t seen in nearly two decades. Many commented on how much I had changed, but what struck me most was the realization that some of my old friends and acquaintances remained stuck in the same system I had left years ago. While I still love and care for them, seeing their lives served as a stark reminder of the possible future I could have faced had I not found the strength to break free from that system.
Conclusion
Acknowledging and addressing emotional components is necessary for facilitating change and growth, both on a personal level and within the larger systems we navigate throughout our lives. By developing emotional intelligence and engaging with our emotional processes, we can break free from stagnation and create space for transformation and growth, ultimately enabling us to reach our full potential.
14 responses to “Friedman the second story”
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Great post! What was your light bulb moment? Was after establishing a relationship with God or before?
Shonell,
My light bulb moment was not until I came into a relationship with Christ. Before that I was bumbling trying to find my way. After I became a Christian I was still bumbling but this time I had someone help lead the way.
Awesome insights Daron,
Any other others authors that stand out in helping your grow towards your full potential.
Hi Jean,
Rich Villodas and his book The Deeply Formed Life is a great read in this area!
Terrific, will check out Rich Villodas. Thanks Daron.
This quote says so much about my current context as well.
Friedman writes, “Anyone who has ever been part of an imaginatively gridlocked relationship system knows that more learning will not, on its own, automatically change the way people see things or think. There must first be a shift in the emotional process of that institution. Imagination and indeed curiosity are at root emotional, not cognitive, phenomena. In order to imagine the unimaginable, people must be able to separate themselves from the emotional process that surround them before they can even begin to see (or hear) things differently.”
Knowing this as leaders is key to really being able to lead those around us well. Identifying when this is happening can transfer the work that is done.
This totally applies to my Research project too!! Thanks for the post and your honesty and vulnerability.
Thanks Sara!
You know, I actually find comfort in being vulnerable. It is something I learned over the years.
Daron, I appreciate your openness and authenticity.
I was talking with my husband on a related topic and the conclusion we came to is people cannot change – at the heart level – without the Holy Spirit working in their lives. Based on your experience and observations – I’d love to hear your comments as to the connections with imagination gridlock. (In Oxford.)
Audrey,
I would love to share!
Well done! I love the opening quote and agree with the cognitive shift required to overcome gridlock. We can’t just read problems away. We must change our perspectives and transform in many ways.
Michael,
I agree, the key is changing your perspective. I think one of the biggest blessings was leaving what was familiar and trusting God to lead me to a place better.
Daron – thank you for sharing so vulnerably.
What did you think of encountering people who are stuck in the same system? I’m from a small town and serve a church in a small town and I see the “stuckness” all around the community. I find it difficult to process as to what to think about it. I often just avoid the most toxic of people (who often times end up in church). They always have some drama and what my opinion or assistance with it, yet I know, from talking to others, that noting ever truly changes for them.
Thanks Chad,
I think the thing that I have seen (coming from a small town as well) is exposure. Exposure to something different but it can’t be so radically different it has to be small steps. At least that is what I have seen work. But not all the time…you know how people are 🙂 haha
Deron,
Wow! I enjoyed your post! I loved the quote that you focused on. I want to go back to this/use this in my own writing.
I am agreeing with everyone’s comments.
Great stuff here!!
As a counselor….If we were to have a conversation after the wedding you attended…I would have so many questions for you. I would love to hear your heart and hear more of how you have changed and have a burden for those who have not. I am thinking this took some courage for you to attend this wedding! I am sure this demonstrates some love and forgiveness that has happened in your life. Thanks for sharing Deron.