Been There. Done That. Still Doing it.
For weeks I have been waiting to read this week’s book, The Anxious Generation. I had wanted to read it for a while and as it sat on my shelf, I kept looking at it, knowing it would validate the struggles we as a family have gone through. I have been telling my kids to prepare themselves because when I read it there will likely be some changes to the technology rules in our home. Well, it happened.
There is a paragraph in the beginning of the book that states, “At first…he really enjoyed the games and social connections. But as he started playing Fortnite for lengthening periods of time, his behavior began to change. ‘That’s when all the depression, anger, and laziness came out…[so] he and his wife took all his electronics away.”[1] This too, is our story. Only I would add he went to neighbors to play for hours. This led to running away from home for entire days to play the game. In the end, every game, every console, every electronic he had access to was destroyed. I took a hammer to them, and he watched me destroy them all, so he couldn’t remove them from the garbage.
Sadly, removing the electronics did not change the behavior but instead caused even more extreme behavior leading to our son going to random neighbors’ homes in a vain attempt to gain access to this game Fortnite. His psychiatrist has told us that the vast majority of kids she is currently treating are tied to this game. It is not surprising that, “A group of parents could sue Epic Games for the way that its game Fortnite addicted their sons and took over the boy’s lives, leading them to skip eating, showering, and sleeping for extended periods.”[2] This game is pure evil and seems to stem from much more than a simple dopamine hit longing for more.[3]
Jonathan Haidt, a social psychologist, brings the scientific data to backup what we as parents have intuitively known for years. He highlights two areas that have caused a significant shift in societal anxiety among Gen Z. “My central claim in this book is that these two trends – overprotection in the real world and under-protection in the virtual world – are the major reasons why children born after 1995 became the anxious generation.”[4]
As noted above, multiplayer-online games for young boys entering puberty have significantly affected their ability to mature in a healthy way. To a lesser extent, I have also seen the negative effects of social media addictions among my teenage daughters. Though, we took Haidt’s advice (long before it was given) and restricted phone and social media usage until they were 16, our girls found ways around these limitations often enough. He describes this struggle as “an ever-rising tide, one that engulfs parents as well as children.”[5]
I do believe that Haidt is spot on the money with the onset of these behaviors coinciding with the lack of free play based in the late 1980’s.[6] He acknowledges that things began to change socially that started to shift a focus towards safety. As I young kid who had tons of freedom, I remember things beginning to change drastically during that time. The popular show, America’s Most Wanted, first aired in 1988. Milk cartons began to show pictures of missing kids in the mid-1980’s. A generalized fear of strangers developed significantly during this period. At the same time, a societal shift away from the church was also beginning to be noticed. Terrorist attacks in the late 90’s, culminating in 9/11 also pushed our society into making decisions based on fear. So, it makes sense that the next generation, with access to portable devises, were given access into a domain that most parents had little comprehension of the true dangers that lurked within their own households.
What do we do about it? How do we change? Haidt offers some tangible ways of changing but some might seem more unrealistic than others. One suggestion he makes is for schools to be phone-free. Honestly, my teenagers simply won’t do this. There is too much fear of a school shooting for them to be willing to let go of their phones. When I suggested to them to leave their phones in their lockers, their response was, “If there is a school shooter and I am locked in a bathroom, I want to call 911 and call you guys so people know where we are hiding.” Tragically, this is a valid concern and highlights the reality of our society.
I told our family, that reading this book would cause some things to change. Well, it did. One suggestion Haidt makes is the idea of a family digital sabbath.[7] We have done this in the past and it partially worked but we are going to give it another chance. Changing some of the family rhythms to incorporate a digital sabbath on Sundays will be challenging but I do think it is needed and it has been my desire to reestablish this. Two weeks ago, I put my phone away for the day and did not ask my family to join me but rather thought it would be helpful to do on my own. It happened to be that day that my daughter crashed our car while out driving and then was unable to get ahold of me in the time of crisis. Thankfully, she was able to get ahold of my wife, but it did make me question the logistics of such a tech fast.
As far as my son and his gaming is concerned. He has been completely tech free for almost six months. During the month of January, we had him stay with family in California so we might all get a break from each other. When he returned, we gave him a fresh start and he now has very limited access to a new gaming console that we are monitoring closely. The struggle of parenting in this digital age continues.
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[1] Jonathan Haidt, The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness (New York: Penguin Press, 2024), 22.
[2] Haidt, 191.
[3] Daniel Z. Lieberman and Michael E. Long, The Molecule of More: How a Single Chemical in Your Brain Drives Love, Sex, and Creativity-and Will Determine the Fate of the Human Race, First trade paperback edition (Dallas, TX: BenBella Books, Inc, 2019), 16.
[4] Haidt, The Anxious Generation, 9.
[5] Haidt, 22.
[6] Haidt, 7.
[7] Haidt, 204.
About the Author
Adam Cheney
I grew up in California, spent five years living along the beautiful coast of Kenya and now find myself working with refugees in the snow crusted tundra of Minnesota. My wife and I have seven children, four of whom have been adopted. I spend my time drinking lots of coffee, working in my garden, and baking sourdough bread.9 responses to “Been There. Done That. Still Doing it.”
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Adam, Thank you for sharing your family’s journey with this technology and anxious generation. Safety logistics was something I thought about as a concern with the no cell phone rule in schools. Especially as landlines and payphones are a thing of the past! I wonder how kids would respect a rule in which the phones had to be completely turned off but could be accessible in their backpacks in an emergency? As someone who will also try a digital sabbath, I’d enjoy hearing any tips or guidelines you will use for your family.
Kari,
I tried the digital sabbath from Saturday evening until Sunday after church. I found that I missed a lot of things during this time. Like, I missed notification reminders of needing to usher at church, etc. I missed requests from friends about being picked up for church.
So, we are now trying a Sunday morning to Sunday after dinner fast. This way, I don’t end up missing as many notifications and we can spend Sunday afternoon resting.
Hi mate, thanks for sharing your real-life, lived experience. Appreciate it loads. What advice would you give to other parents who are considering making significant changes to their family’s technology usage, especially when facing extreme reactions from their children?
Glyn,
We got to the point where we simply couldn’t manage it anymore. The secretive and dopamine driven behaviour was just too much and we were losing. So, we had to make a drastic change. This is just one picture of destroyed devices. We also sold our TV. We sold the Nintendo console. I got rid of every extra charging cord. All of my girls kept their one phone and school computer. Everything else went. Now that we are in the re-introducing phase of giving my son some technology we are keeping it simple and making sure that we are on top of the restrictions and devices. He turns every single thing in to me every night before I go to bed. Every day, I hide all of it in a different place and don’t give it back to him until he is completed with school.
Adam,
Thanks for sharing. I do a digital sabbath each Sunday morning not touching my phone until after we return from church. I also don’t wear my fitbit on Sundays to ensure that I’m not constantly counting steps or calories burned. My son in the Marine Corp went 13 weeks without a phone during basic training and loved it. I read a book called Irresistible that highlights addiction to technology. In the book the author talks about how kids in China will wear diapers while playing video games to they don’t have to leave to use the bathroom. He also discussed people here in the US that go to detox centers for technology addiction. I cannot imagine what you went through and am glad that things are better. I hope your Sunday sabbaths are fruitful. I find it also extremely sad that kids go to school so scared that something might happen that they don’t feel safe without their phones.
Two questions
1, Are you replacing the time people would spend on their phones with something else, such as a family game time?
2. You discussed the overparenting that Haidt talks about, reflecting on this, have you engaged in overparenting?
Jeff,
We do games every Sunday afternoon as a family, or we go to a state park for hikes, etc.
We are not helicopter parents and we never have been. When we lived in Kenya for 5 years, our kids learned how to start their own fires, burn safari ants, and have plenty of free-play. The challenge for us was when we brought all of these pre-teen, early teenage kids back to the US where we were inundated with technology. Honestly, we came home to the US and then Covid hit and our kids were all online for school. So, devices that were brought into our home tripled immediately and this become a burden that I lost to. 7 kids x multiple devices = a losing battle. We didn’t even want much of that technology into our home, it was forced on us and that was a real challenge for our family after living in a village for years.
Adam, what a journey and I’m thrilled to hear he has survived six months without technology. How is he doing behaviorally without it?
Also, how can we apply the lessons of Haidt to adults with tech-related anxiety?
Hi Adam, Thank you for sharing your journey with your children and technology. Parenting is not for the faint hearted, something I am convinced you already know. No question today, just prayers for you and your family as you continue to navigate raising children/teens in this digital age. God’s blessing on you.
Adam, my heart goes out to your whole family. What a struggle! And what an UNNECESSARY struggle. Thank you for sharing your story so vulnerable.
You reference Jonathan Haidt’s observations about overprotection and under-protection. From your perspective, how do you believe parents can find a balance between ensuring safety and allowing children the freedom to explore and learn from their experiences? And what have you learned about your own relationship with technology, and how has that influenced your parenting style and how you do – or sometimes don’t – connect with others?