Why the H.A.I.L. Are We Not Listening?
Nausea, sleeplessness, anxiety, dread, and sweating describe some of my initial experiences when it came to speaking in front of midsize to large groups of people. At a young age I had a growing enthusiasm for ministry, the church, serving people, and God. I had no idea how much fear I would have to work through to fully embrace and enjoy my calling. Thankfully, I now love sharing and speaking in front of others for the sake of bringing something useful or transformative to them. New settings can bring some nerves, but being uncomfortable has weirdly become comfortable.
Julian Treasure’s book, How to Be Heard, gives some incredibly useful advice and guidance for anyone wanting to grow in communication. He does this by first emphasizing the role listening has in our development as speakers. However, the strength of this book for me was the underlying elements he reveals that most impact our ability to genuinely listen and communicate effectively. Fear and love. Treasure describes four leeches that keep a person from being ineffective in their listening and communication:
- Looking Good 2. Being Right 3. People Pleasing 4. Fixing
Treasure says, “The main reason for the negative impact of the leeches is that the underlying emotion giving rise to all four of them is fear.”[i] One question I’ve been asking myself lately is, “Am I operating at this moment out of some sort of fear or love?” I’m sure that is why this aspect of the book smacked me in the face a few times. There are a list of fears and “What if’s” I can operate from at any given moment. “What if they think x, y, or z?”, “What if we don’t get this fixed?”, “What if I make the wrong choice?”, “What if they get upset with me?”, etc.
I believe speaking in front of a bunch of people, where the spotlight is completely on us, reveals our underlying fears and insecurities. “What if I fail?”, “What if they never invite me back?”, “What if I look stupid?” When it comes to being on a platform or stage, Julian reminds us, “…remember: it’s not about you…You are there to give something to your listeners or your audience: it might be the growth you can provoke or promote; the joy, inspiration or delight you can inspire; or the new information or perspective you can transmit.”[ii]
Fear seems to thrive when unhealthy amounts of attention are aimed at ourselves, while love thrives when healthy amounts of energy are pointed toward others. I appreciated that love was one of Jilian’s cornerstone pieces when it comes to powerful speaking. Love was the last letter of his HAIL acronym which represents:
Honesty. Authenticity. Integrity. Love.
For Treasure, we need all of these things to communicate powerfully. However, love, that he defines as the Christ like agape kind, can guide our listening and communication in healthier ways organically. He explains that living from a genuine place of care and wishing others well will naturally short circuit our tendencies toward self-interest, manipulation, or deception that feed the four leeches mentioned earlier.
Although this is a book on communication, Treasure has some lines in here that will preach! One of them being, “In my experience, loving and judging are mutually exclusive.” [iii] He shares his experience of blessing or wishing well everyone he meets and its ability to change his posture towards those he encounters daily. It’s extremely hard to bless and condemn a person at the same time.
Speaking of condemning others and the necessity to listen, my home state, Tennessee, has had some heartbreaking events occur over the last few months. One includes an individual who broke into a school with an assault rifle, killed several people, including kids, and wounded others. Gun violence has become a major topic. Videos pertaining to mass shootings have started showing up on my media feeds. One of them was an interview with Marylin Manson years ago discussing the Columbine incident. Manson was asked what he would say to the shooters if he had the chance to talk to them directly. He said, “I wouldn’t say a single word to them, I would listen, and that’s what no one did.” [iv] I feel like I need to put several clarifications after quoting a sacrilegious artist like Manson, but I’m not, because there was some truth in what he said. Nothing justifies shooting innocent people, and events like this weigh heavy on our communities. However, Manson didn’t hesitate to answer that question, and did so with conviction. It did make me wonder if he, and many others, was a product of people preaching more than listening? Who knows in these instances, but I believe it happens in others.
It’s no accident that Julian Treasure’s book on effective communication spends the first portion on becoming better listeners. As someone who spends a large portion of my time researching, message prepping, and teaching it becomes more tempting to listen less and speak more to “fix the world”. This was a great reminder that the most loving and transformative thing we can do sometimes is just listen, which may communicate louder than words.
[i] Julian Treasure, How to be Heard: Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening.(Coral Gables, Fl: Mango Publishing Group, 2017), 51.
[ii] Ibid., 203
[iii] Ibid., 204
[iv] Bowling for Columbine (2002) – Marilyn Manson Talks About Fear Scene, YouTube (YouTube, 2017), https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oeQ4HWhPEdA.
About the Author
Adam Harris
I am currently the Associate Pastor at a church called Godwhy in Hendersonville, TN near Nashville. We love questions and love people even more. Our faith community embraces God and education wholeheartedly. I graduated from Oral Roberts University for undergrad and Vanderbilt for my masters. I teach historical critical Biblical studies at my church to help our community through their questions and ultimately deepen their faith. I love research, writing, learning, and teaching. I oversee our staff and leadership development. Before being at Godwhy I worked as a regional sales coach and director for Anytime Fitness. I've been married for over 13 years to my best friend and we have two amazing boys that keep us busy.8 responses to “Why the H.A.I.L. Are We Not Listening?”
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Great post, Adam. The preaching / public speaking part of your post is something that connected deeply. In my case, though I don’t preach as much (ever?) as much as I did when I was younger, I still have a great deal of anxiety and dread to wrestle with each time I speak publicly. Can’t explain it, but I wrote about it in my post. Which of the four leeches seem to pop up in your personal ministry, and how have you dealt with them?
This week I read through the steps our church was taking to address security concerns in light of the tragic shooting that took place in your city. Our church also has a covenant school (one that our children attended when they were young).
I had never read that quote from Marilyn Manson. I do know someone who went to high school in Ohio with Manson (can’t remember his real name). I’m guessing you are right about Manson’s experience being someone who was preached to and not listened to.
Thanks for the response Travis, glad I am not the only one! The four leeches seem to change over time, but looking good and people pleasing are at the top of the lists these days. They stem from a fear of either losing credibility or losing influence, (legitimate fears), but it goes back to that question I’m trying to ask myself more “Am I doing this out of fear or love?” Striving to be authentic, within reason, is a great remedy for these leeches.
I’m currently on day 12 of a 17 day biblical tour of the Middle East – teaching through Egypt, Jordan and Israel, and I’ve come to a point of being pretty much talked out. I’ve been teaching, guiding, etc through multiple countries with a group of 38 people. The take away from your post is both timely and important…listen. Perhaps I’ll focus the remaining days on asking questions, and listening better. Thanks Adam!
Dude I’m a bit jealous! That sounds amazing and exhausting at the same time. Have a blast and safe travels! Thanks for the response
Adam, I love what you brought out in the book. I think this blogging is one of my most favorite parts of this Doctorate, I thought I was going to hate it. The reason being is that there is no time to fully absorb these books, and I trust I get what I need to get when I go through first time, but then the gift keeps on giving and I see the book through other’s eyes. The four leeches stood out to me too. But I missed or glance quickly over HAIL. Marilyn Mansons words are powerful in a time when everyone only wanted outrage. As much as he is that guy, the courage to speak from the margin was amazing. I hate public speaking….Unless it’s something I feel passionate about then you have to try to stop me so when you said: You are there to give something to your listeners or your audience: it might be the growth you can provoke or promote; the joy, inspiration or delight you can inspire; or the new information or perspective you can transmit.”[ii] I resonated. This book is fantastic because our power is in the listening, as most of the book on being heard was about it. Brilliant. Do you have a time where you had one of those “aha” moments in a lecture or sermon you were listening to? The goosebump kind of aha? And follow up, as a Pastor, what opportunities do you have to listen to your audience? aka congregation?
Thanks for the response Jana! From time to time we do audience Q and A where we let the congregation ask anything they want and we answer or explore it off the cuff. People from the community still send their questions or concerns to our website, our church was actually built off that model. Many questions are hostile and angry, but we try and listen and respond with compassion. Alot of the listening in our community happens one on one in the hallway, during lunch, getting coffee, or other spaces. The key is “not fixing” or “defending the faith” which is the default setting as a pastor but really seeking to understand.
Adam 2 things:
1. “Am I operating at this moment out of some sort of fear or love?” What a GREAT question that I have asked off and on in my life but have forgotten about. This is a really important reminder for me to start asking that regularly again.
2. “…remember: it’s not about you…You are there to give something to your listeners or your audience: it might be the growth you can provoke or promote; the joy, inspiration or delight you can inspire; or the new information or perspective you can transmit.”
What are we giving to others? I think the cardinal sin of preachers is those who are there for themselves… and you can usually tell. I want to be a preacher who is only there to be useful not to be benefited.
Thanks for the important reminders.
Thanks for the reply Tim, yeah that question continually reveals my heart and brings recalibration. As far as the other portion, a lot of my fear as a young speaker was rooted in how others saw me and building my credibility, once I shifted more to “what can I bring them”, it became so much better and enjoyable for everyone involved. lol