Trust and Leadership
At the beginning of my second semester at Berkeley, my friend and I were invited to attend a leadership training. We were newly selected leaders of a campus student organization that worked with high school students of color to assist with applying for admission into UC Berkeley and providing retention services after admissions. The training was sponsored by Student Services, and we were flown to San Diego on a small plane. We pretended was a private jet and we acted the part by pulling out our sunglasses and strutting in a very dramatic way to the plane. As I look back, I can’t help but laugh. The fullness of some memories always amazes me. I can remember every detail of that flight but can’t seem to remember where my cell phone is most days. I have another memory that has remained fresh for me, during the training we were asked to choose one characteristic that we thought was most important. I said trust and my friend said respect. Many years later we discussed the training and why we had such different responses to the question. What we eventually discovered is that are choices traced back to our childhood experiences, to the places that we felt emotionally and physically safe as well as unsafe. It never occurred to us that understanding the origin of our choices would help us as leaders. What was clear to us was that we had a job to do and that the academic future of the young people we encountered could be tremendously impacted if we did our job well. Leadership was strictly goal oriented at that point in our limited experience as leaders.
I was fascinated by the examples that Walker presents in Chapter Six of how leadership patterns can begin to develop in two crucial points of childhood. “The first is in early childhood when we are shaped by our parents: the second is in adolescence, when we are shaped by our peers.”(1) The factors that contribute to the formation of a secured ego versus a unsecured ego can be associated with safety and protection. Walker writes:
“The reason that trust is so important to the formation of the ego is to do with danger. We need to appreciate just how threatening the world is, especially to a small child, surrounded by what seem like powerful giants, any one of whom can hurt them. When we are small, we are vulnerable and need protecting. Our ‘ropes´ protect us: they give us limits and they also mean we are attached to powerful figures who can fight on our behalf. Without these ropes, the growing child soon feels vulnerable and anxious and has to find other ways to protect themselves.”(2)
Our ropes determine where we see limits, where we feel protected and where we feel anxious and vulnerable. If our ropes protect us, do they also place limits on what we deem as safe and what is unsafe. How does this translate to interactions with people?
When I think about leadership qualities, I tend to focus on the moral and ethical characteristics. I run through these questions in my mind; Is She/he honest? Is she/he thoughtful with their words? Is she/he humble? I want to know who you are, especially in a religious setting. It is not enough to know that Bible and obtain the appropriate credentials, I want to know that when things get hectic that you have some character traits that will govern you. Walker states, “many roles in life can be adequately fulfilled by acquiring the necessary skills. With sufficient training, you can draft architectural drawings, legal documents, and financial agreements, for example. But leadership is different. Leadership is about who you are, not what you know or what skills you have.”(3) agree with this and have witnessed firsthand how painful it is to discover that “who a person is” does not align with how they are represented on paper.
I found a lot of useful information in this book. It also raised a few questions for me. As I’ve stated in previous posts, for me all roads should connect to my NPO. I thought about how this book might be useful as I work with Church leaders whose leadership style reflects experiences from their childhood, experiences that may limit their ability to engage a new perspective. I must admit, it makes me a bit uneasy. Walker provides an interesting explanation of the journey of a leader, he states, “A leader leads people from where they currently are to another place, which at first is unknown to them and can be imagined. To get there, they have to leave the safety and familiarity of their present situation, to embrace an unknown, and perhaps dangerous, future”(4) If this Is accurate, does that also mean that without the feeling of safety and familiarity, a leader cannot be effective? How does that translate to team members that have biases rooted in racial disparity? With each week’s reading, I am discovering more topics to explore for my research. I don’t currently have answers to these questions, but I become more hopeful as the weeks go by. Maybe I am too much of a dreamer, but I still believe that my work (our work) can make the world a better place. I know that it sounds youthful, perhaps naïve…I’m okay with that. Loved Ones, I still believe!
1.Simon Walker, Leading out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership (Carlisle, CA: Piquant, 2007), 53-54.
2.Ibid., 54.
3.Ibid., 5.
4.Ibid., 6.
About the Author
Jonita Fair-Payton
9 responses to “Trust and Leadership”
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Hi, Jonita,
I too was fascinated by the way Walker took the concept of the differing egos and related it to how we percieved trust in childhood. I was curious how he would land the plane, but so totally agreed with him as he came to the simple answer of growth and freedom. He states “freedom comes from knowing that you are approved of.”(p. 102) I know that this is first off, spiritual…our coming to terms that we are fully loved and accepted by Christ. But then, we also need it from others. When you asked about biases rooted in racial disparity, it made me realize that this is such a needed area to unpack and needs to be addressed more in these types of leadership books. We can offer acceptance as a way of freedom on so many levels by coming to grips with our own biases. Most of the times my biases remain biases because I don’t see them. So the work we must do in this area regarding self awareness is huge. Just a small example… I remember truly believing that Germans were cleaner than any other culture… bleach was our favored fragrance. It was also relayed in many comments throughout childhood. Now I see that this thought is kind of silly but still, it left a hint of non-acceptance of others that was deeply rooted.
I look forward to seeing how your work unfolds, Jonita. Your voice makes a difference. We all have so much to learn and glean.
Hi Esther,
There are some beliefs that I held as a child that truly surprise me now. I can totally identify with not seeing them and not realizing that biases exist. I have tried to remain self-aware and honest. I have praying for discernment in this area. Thank you for your affirming comments. I’m thankful to be on this journey with you.
Hi Jonita!
I liked this quote:
“A leader leads people from where they currently are to another place, which at first is unknown to them and can be imagined. To get there, they have to leave the safety and familiarity of their present situation, to embrace an unknown, and perhaps dangerous, future”
Can leaving a safe place be done in a safe way, albeit risky?
How might this be done when anxiety might be induced due to leaving a safe environment?
I am having fun and challenged with the thought of this. I am challenged daily to do this very thing!
I enjoyed your blog! Kristy from DLGP01 🙂
KRISTY!!!! Hey There!
These questions:
1. Can leaving a safe place be done in a safe way, albeit risky?
2. How might this be done when anxiety might be induced due to leaving a safe environment?
I struggle with the answers. I sure hope that it can be done and that I will be equipped to create a safe environment for leaders to take this journey. I am worried that many will not. I appreciate you asking these questions and framing it in such a thoughtful way.
Jonita, wow folk for DLGPO1 are commenting on your (brilliant) post.
I was speaking with Kim Sanford about childhood relationships. Our nonprofit (www.goodsportsinternational.org) works with 10 orphanage sites in Hungary. Two of my children are adopted from the orphanage in Miskolc, Hungary.
The early childhood experiences are the WORST for these children. Although family is a big thing in Hungary, when you are in an orphanage, this means that NO ONE in your extended family wanted to take care of you. So there must be something wrong with you. First Abandonment, then cultural isolation.
Many are wards of the state. Most are brown. In Hungary, they are called Roma (politically correct) or Gypsy (an insult). Think kids of Mexican background for skin tone.
I was told by a pastors wife that there were white Hungarians and “others.” She was trying to warn me of the cultural differences.
In our weekly visits we present the gospel, but really are providing unconditional love. They are drawn to us like moths to a flame. Sometimes they act out and attack us physically – but these are cries for help.
How we respond to them, how we show our reliance on Christ is new to them. Sometimes it takes, sometimes not.
Thanks for your post…Shalom…Russ
The childhood wounds cut so deep. This, “First Abandonment, then cultural isolation.” brought me to tears. I am so grateful that you are working to create a better future. God Bless you, Russ!
Thanks for your thoughts…One of the things we are starting this year is “barista training” for the orphans that are aging out. Especially, the girls. Many go into prostitution, so any kind of vocational training is aa movement in the right direction.
Hi Jonita-
This is the question you have me chewing on: “without the feeling of safety and familiarity, a leader cannot be effective?”
My first thought is that if that leader continues on without diagnosing this reality, then it will continue to fester and cause problems. But, I would think that with the intentional work of identifying and mitigating this influence, they can move to a place of effectiveness. Do you agree?
I sure hope so Jen! I agree and I pray that I’m not dreaming about a reality that will never come true. But I do believe that with intentional work, a leader can move beyond a place a comfort/safety and make effective changes.