The Greatest Speech Lesson
“Our job, all of us, every single one of us is to make sure that the people around us, whoever they are, know what’s going on in the things that we love the most.”[1]
Benjamin Zander, conductor of The Boston Philharmonic Orchestra, spoke these words to Julian Treasure during an interview for his book, How to Be Heard: Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening. Even though Ben’s thoughts were spoken in the context of how music is more precise than words, his meaning applies to all disciplines of life. His words ring extraordinarily true as I reflect on the almost 3,000 communications students I taught throughout the years. Every semester for 20 plus years, I watched as students submitted themselves to the humbling process of learning to speak publicly. It was my job to keep training people on using their voices as, “an instrument we all play.”[2] What I love the most is helping others find their truest voice. As with the central message of this book, I observed the tension or the balance learners needed between their speaking and listening skills, because, as Treasure writes, “They are so interrelated. In order to be a good speaker, you have to be a good listener.”[3]
However, not one of my undergraduate student’s speaking and listening journeys could have prepared me for the greatest speech lesson of my life: A time when our then 3-year-old daughter could not speak. Gabrielle was vocal, active and beautiful yet could not be understood by anyone except me. Her story is what taught me that the greatest “speakers” are honest, clear and straightforward.[4]
When Barbara, the speech therapist, worked with Gabrielle, she also worked with me. Our youngest daughter and I sat under Barbara’s instruction 3-4 times a week when she was diagnosed with “speech inarticulation”. Day after day, week after week, for 4 years, Barbara would tell me to slow down when I talked to Gabrielle, to over pronounce my words and look her in the eyes. Within six months, the muscles around Gabrielle’s mouth were strengthened and worked properly. Her words were discernible. For several months, I spoke words accurately into my daughter’s ears. To do this, I had to be physically closer to my daughter–at times cheek to cheek, with my mouth whispering in her ear.
During her second year of speech therapy, Barbara pulled me aside and said, “Pam, when I read Gabrielle’s evaluation from last year, I thought I was reading a report on another child. It described a child who was resistant, unable to focus, unwilling to sit still.” We both smiled as we turned and watched her with another therapist listening, writing, responding. What could possibly give my child so much contentment? I believe it was in how Barbara taught me to work with her on my own. Gabrielle had to learn to pronounce her D’s, T’s, S’s and B’s at the beginning of words and at the end. There’s only one way to say DTBS in English. Once Gabrielle could sit still long enough for me to whisper a word in her ear, she could repeat it properly and her spirit came to life. After she learned several consonants clearly, they started to run together and she could speak sentences like running water. It was not possible for Gabrielle to have language without someone (me) teaching her accurately: She was dependent on someone else. It started by hearing, and then the hearing changed her on the inside.
Once Gabrielle found her voice, her entire world changed. Other people outside of her family understood her. She became a young girl who expressed herself and her ideas; she started to know who she was. Her speech became honest, clear and straightforward.
Honest Speech, Honest Listening
Treasure writes that, “Honesty is the opposite of falsehood.”[5] This sounds simple enough but the speech work I did every day with my daughter transformed how I taught college students how to speak. Rather than emphasizing the importance of public speaking mechanics, which are vital, I communicated to my students a higher value for each to present their most honest selves in their speeches. Is there such a thing as honest listening? As the mother of a daughter who overcame a speech impediment, I became aware of the many obstacles in our family culture that kept Gabrielle from honest listening. It was my job to make sure that “the people around us, whoever they are, know what’s going on in the things that we love the most.”[6] In our family, we chose to slow down the pace of life significantly for this to happen. In the classroom, I prioritized teaching the Roadblocks to Listening[7] for my public speaking students. Isn’t honest listening just as important as we grow as leaders in the world? What character quality is needed to listen honestly?
Clear and Straightforward Speech
For my NPO, I am looking at how the lack of support for leaders today makes people not want to lead tomorrow. In writing the Expertise Essay, I chose to take a deeper dive into the virtue of humility and its impact on leader support. Surprised by the amount of academic research covering the importance of leadership humility, I went one step further to see how leadership humility showed up in communication skills. One study boiled down hundreds of pages worth of data on leadership effectiveness:
“Humble leaders transparently exemplify how to develop by being honest about areas for improvement (i,e., acknowledging mistakes and limitations,) encouraging social learning by making salient the strengths of those around them (spotlighting follower strengths,) and being anxious about listening, observing, and learning by doing (modeling teachability).[8]
What I am observing in my NPO mirrors in part what I learned from teaching my daughter to speak at three years old. Honest, clear and straightforward speech begins with transparency, being open about what is not known, eager to listen and eager to learn. Reading Julian Treasure’s book, How to Be Heard, was type of call for me in thinking about how leaders speak (publicly and personally) so people listen-Honestly listen so that others feel heard–might that be an act of true humility?
[1] Treasure, Julian. How to Be Heard: Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening. Mango Media, 2017.
[2] IBID. 126.
[3] IBID. 171.
[4] IBID. 189-96.
[5] IBID. 188.
[6] Treasure, Julian. How to Be Heard: Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening. Mango Media, 2017.
[7] PhD, Matthew McKay, Martha Davis PhD, and Patrick Fanning. Messages: The Communication Skills Book. Fourth Edition, Revised. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2018.
- Mental Rehearsing – We are so busy planning our response and impatiently waiting to speak that we block our ability to listen.
- Criticizing – We focus on what’s wrong with what the person is saying and so we miss brilliance or merit in their ideas. We divert our energy by categorizing, analyzing, and judging instead of listening.
- Filtering – When we’re sure we know what’s true, and/or are determined not to hear things that force us to reconsider our own viewpoints because we’re so attached to our own positions, we may block out ideas and information that challenges our thinking.
- Prejudiced Listening – We all make judgments about individuals – he’s boring, she’s a chatterbox, he’s too full of himself, she’s doesn’t know what she’s talking about – and these disable our listening. We also have prejudices about groups of people. Engineers have their heads in the sky. Union reps always criticize. This can make it hard for us to openly listen to what they have to say.
- Fact Gathering – We listen only to the words and details someone is saying, and fail to tune into emotion, voice qualities or body language, we often miss the point of the other person’s message. We have to ask “Why are they telling me this? What do they want me to understand?”
- Bored Listening – G.K Chesterton said,“There is no such thing as an uninteresting sub- ject, only uninterested listeners.”
- Comparing – Comparing makes it hard to listen because you’re always trying to assess who is smarter, more competent, more emotionally healthy – you or the other. Some peo- ple focus on who has suffered more, who’s a bigger victim. While someone’s talking, you think to yourself, “Could I do it that well? I’ve had it harder, he doesn’t know what hard is. I earn more than that. My kids are so much brighter.” You can’t let much in because you’re too busy seeing if you measure up.
- Mind Reading – The mind reader doesn’t pay much attention to what people say. In fact, he often distrusts it. He’s trying to figure out what the other person is really thinking and feeling. “She says she wants to go to the show, but I’ll bet she’s tired and wants to relax. She might be resentful if I pushed her when she doesn’t want to go.” The mind reader pays less attention to words than to intonations and subtle cues in an effort to see through to the truth.
- Dreaming – You’re half-listening, and something the person says suddenly triggers a chain of private associations. You are more prone to dreaming when you feel bored or anxious. Everybody dreams, and you sometimes need to make herculean efforts to stay tuned in. But if you dream a lot with certain people, it may indicate a lack of commit- ment to knowing or appreciating them.
- 10. Identifying – In this block, you take everything a person tells you and refer it back to your own experience. They want to tell you about a toothache, but that reminds you of the time you had oral surgery for receding gums. You launch into your story before they can finish theirs. Everything you hear reminds you of something that you’ve felt, done, or suffered. You’re so busy with these exciting tales of your life that there’s no time to re- ally hear or get to know the other person.
- 11. Advising – You are a great problem-solver, ready with help and suggestions. This does not allow your clients to truly brainstorm. You are doing all the problem-solving, not them. Advising can sound very condescending. As the mediator, let your client problem solve, not you.
- 12. Sparring – As a mediator, you do not enter the conflict. Sparring involves arguing and debating. When your clients do this, they are not listening to each other. A subtype of sparring is the put-down. Couples can often perfect this with non-verbal language over years of marriage. Another subtype is discounting. This is the person who cannot accept a compliment.
- 13. Being Right – Being right means you will go to any lengths (twist the facts, start shout- ing, make excuses or accusations, call up past sins) to avoid being wrong. You can’t lis- ten to criticism, you can’t be corrected, and you can’t take suggestions to change. Your convictions are unshakable. And since you won’t acknowledge that your mistakes are mistakes, you just keep making them.
- 14. Derailing – This listening block is accomplished by suddenly changing the subject. You derail the train of conversation when you get bored or uncomfortable with a topic. An- other way of derailing is by joking it off. This means that you continually respond to whatever is said with a joke or quip in order to avoid the discomfort or anxiety in serious- ly listening to the other person.
- 15. Placating – The need to be nice, pleasant, supportive. You want people to like you. So you agree with everything. You may half-listen, just enough to get the drift. You are placating, not really listening.
[8] Bradley P Owens and David R. Hekman. “Modeling How To Grow: An Inductive Examination Of Humble Leader Behaviors, Contingencies, And Outcomes.” The Academy of Management Journal 55, no. 4 (2012): 801.
About the Author
Pam Lau
Pamela Havey Lau brings more than 25 years of experience in speaking, teaching, writing and mediating. She has led a variety of groups, both small and large, in seminars, trainings, conferences and teachings. Pam’s passion is to see each person communicate with their most authentic voice with a transparent faith in Jesus Christ. With more than 10, 000 hours of writing, researching, and teaching the heart and soul of Pam’s calling comes from decades of walking alongside those who have experienced healing through pain and peace through conflict. As a professor and author, Pam deeply understands the role of mentoring and building bridges from one generation to another. She has developed a wisdom in how to connect leaders with their teams. Her skill in facilitating conversations extends across differences in families, businesses, schools, universities, and nonprofits. Pam specializes in simplifying complex issues and as a business owner, has helped numerous CEOs and leaders communicate effectively. She is the author of Soul Strength (Random House) and A Friend in Me (David C. Cook) and is a frequent contributor to online and print publications. You can hear Pam’s podcast on Real Life with Pamela Lau on itunes. Currently, Pam is a mediator for families, churches, and nonprofits. You can contact Pam through her website: PamelaLau.com. Brad and Pam live in Newberg, Oregon; they have three adult daughters and one son-in-law. One small, vocal dog, Cali lives in the family home where she tries to be the boss! As a family they enjoy worshiping God, tennis, good food and spending time with family and friends.3 responses to “The Greatest Speech Lesson”
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What a powerful post. Thanks for sharing the story about your daughter.
I loved your footnote. 13. Being Right – Being right means you will go to any lengths (twist the facts, start shouting, make excuses or accusations, call up past sins) to avoid being wrong. You can’t lis- ten to criticism, you can’t be corrected, and you can’t take suggestions to change. Your convictions are unshakable. And since you won’t acknowledge that your mistakes are mistakes, you just keep making them.
I am grabbing this as a reference for my NPO on Immigration. A part of the study is looking at the polarization of the discussion. Thanks.
This morning as I pulled out the laundry from the washing machine (they are heading for the dryer), I paused and wondered. If there was no dryer, I would be hanging the clothes out to dry on the clothesline. The sun would be shining, the spring Robins have started singing and I would be having a Treasurer listening moment.
On his website he talks about birds and how the sound helps us to feel relaxed. A forest with no birdsong means danger (probably T-Rex’s). As an experiment I have been playing youtube birdsong while my students take their tests. I am wondering if I will see an improvement in grades?
I am continuing to read Treasure’s book, but I flashed forward and did his voice warm up exercise. It was fun. Vocal warmup exercises – https://howtobeheardbook.com/home/resources/
Great post…Shalom…Russ
Hi! Russell~
I, too, listen to birds singing every morning during my prayer time in the Spring. Reading Treasure’s book caused me to pause because I hadn’t realized how birds singing truly communicate to me that all is well in the world. Thanks for highlighting that again.
Can you tell me more about how the Roadblock to Listening would apply to your NPO? I am very curious.
Appreciate this post in general, but especially as someone who spends a lot of time public speaking. This is a craft I am always trying to hone as we spoke about in Cape Town! “Her speech became honest, clear and straightforward.” This is a simple line, but a great one.
It reminds me of Andy Stanleys books “Communicating for a Change”. I need to pick it back up, but he says to stick with one point and revolve everything around it. He is a very good communicator and does a fantastic job of making things clear, simple, but powerful. Love the work your doing with the NPO, very needed! Looking forward to hearing more about it in Oxford!