Meta-parenting
Parenting. There is perhaps no better example of living life on autopilot, trudging along in survival mode, foolishly trying the same solutions to problems but hoping for miraculously different results. I guess we’ve all been there. I certainly saw parenting problems on every single page of Joseph Bentley’s book Exploring Wicked Problems: What They Are and Why They Are Important. Raising children is, by definition, a wicked problem, and it is even one Bentley references several times. [1]
The book includes multiple definitions and explanations of wicked problems, some coming from authors other than Joseph Bentley. As I explore parenting as a wicked problem, I’ll be keeping the following characteristics in mind [2]:
1. Ill-defined and ambiguous: Most parents would say they want their children to grow up to be happy and successful. Most parents would also say they want their children to listen to them and do what they say. Parents of teenagers sometimes tell me they just hope to survive. Even those goals are ambiguous. (What is successful? How do you measure happiness?)
2. Complicated, interconnected situations, packed with potential conflict: Has anyone else ever experienced spousal conflict regarding parenting issues? No? Just me?
3. Competition for limited resources: With only 24 hours in the day, parents simply can’t do it all.
4. Conflicting values, confusing and unclear expectations for how one should act: Parents receive so, so much well-meaning but unsolicited advice, not to mention unspoken or self-imposed expectations.
Joseph Bentley’s thesis is clear: “Going meta is among our most important skills for dealing with problems.”[3] By this he means stepping back to look at our situation and our responses with a critical eye. Stop doing what isn’t working and try something different. In light of this, what would “going meta” look like for a struggling parent?
One of the first topics I discuss with parents is what I call “Knowing your Why” which addresses the problem of ill-defined goals that I mentioned earlier. The parents I’ve worked with have come up with some interesting answers, including one mom who said she wanted her children to be happy, but she wasn’t sure that was a “spiritual” enough goal. Personally, I have identified two “whys”. Firstly, I want my children to grow into adults who have healthy relationships with others, themselves and with God. Secondly, I want them to be happy to come visit me when I’m old; in other words, I want to maintain a good relationship with them as adults. Stepping back and identifying the “why” is so important for parents because it brings clarity to rest of the wicked problem.
Parents also need meta-thinking to break out of old habits or “hand-me-down parenting”.[4] Bentley describes how we typically fall back on previously tried remedies and isn’t that so often true as parents? We rely on whatever reactions, punishments, consequences or values our parents used in raising us, at least until we slow down and make the conscious choice to do something differently. This calls to mind Daniel Kahneman’s work in Thinking, Fast and Slow in the way we default to whatever reactions or patterns feel easy and natural. [5] Kahneman, like Bentley, might counsel parents to slow down, reflect and rationally chose the most effective course of action for their children.
There is one final point where I want to connect Bentley to my work with parents. He writes, “Of course, the problem is us. We are always present in all our problems, big or small, tame or wicked.”[6] This idea was especially poignant to me, as a significant part of my parenting journey has been seeing my own weakness and leaning on God’s grace in the midst of the challenges. Whatever form my final project takes, I want to build upon a foundation of spiritual transformation of the parent. I am convinced that as we allow God to grow us, refine our character and produce the fruit of the Spirit in us, we will grow to be more effective, thriving parents.
To conclude, I’ll return to Bentley who sums it up so well when he says, “Our challenge is twofold: to make changes in ourselves while at the same time we are making changes in the world.”[7]
__________________________________________
1 Bentley, Joseph. Exploring Wicked Problems: What They Are and Why They Are Important. IN: Archway Publishing, 2020. 26.
2 Ibid., 12.
3 Ibid., 61.
4 Sheila Gregoire, “Bare Marriage: Episode 175: Connection not Punishment with Wendy Snyder,” May 12, 2022.
5 Daniel Kahneman, Thinking, Fast and Slow, Penguin Psychology (London: Penguin Books, 2012).
6 Bentley, Joseph. Exploring Wicked Problems: What They Are and Why They Are Important. IN: Archway Publishing, 2020. 219.
7 Ibid., 223.
About the Author
Kim Sanford
7 responses to “Meta-parenting”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Interesting ties you are making with parenting here. As I read Bentley and Toth, I also saw at play my wanting to be the Solver of problems… which is, of course, self-focused and egocentric. You are making that connection, too when you discuss the desire to lean into God’s grace. I guess part of this discussion is getting clear on what my job is (as a parent, or as a leader in any context) and what is God’s.
Kim,
You mentioned, “Kahneman, like Bentley, might counsel parents to slow down, reflect, and rationally choose the most effective course of action for their children.” Oh, goodness…we could’ve used this advice a thousand times over as we parented four girls. In our busy ministry lifestyle, taking time to slow down, reflect, and rationally think about our why more often could’ve brought much greater confidence at times when parenting was hard. Keeping the why intentionally in mind is such great advice.
Kim,
Thanks for your question in your post about conflicts with spouses in raising children. You asked: “Has anyone else ever experienced spousal conflict regarding parenting issues? No? Just me?”
Especially with two committed and devoted Christian parents–Absolutely! Working and living around college students creates a healthy fear of God and life as parents. My husband had a radically different approach to raising our daughters in the faith than I did. Partly we have different personalities but I think it really boiled down to how we solved problems. Will this be part of your NPO? And if so, do you think parental problem solving is radically different than even 10 years ago?
Wow, that’s an interesting question. Up to now, my material hasn’t necessarily addressed how parents solve problems together, but that is an excellent idea. I keep a running list of topics to address as I develop future material and that idea is going to the top of the list! Thanks, Pam.
LOVED your posts, as you know we are in the parenting mode of life, so we are always looking to grow as parents. A lot of great points in here, especially the one about getting specific with how we will nurture certain qualities in our kids. Planning on reading through this with the wifey and talking through some of it. Thanks Kim!
mmmm! Good stuff!
We often talk in Hospice about our “why” we do the work we do. I have not really considered how caught up in the day to day I am with my kiddos that I miss the “why”? I think I have Lofty goals for my kids and what I want them to experience and see and do, and yet this week I have a 17year old, my middle is turning 15 and a 11 who is 11 going on 20! What is that saying the days are long but the years are short! Childhood, cancel culture, social media, access to all sorts of info good and bad at their fingertips and AI, it goes on and on, the wicked problem! Thank you for naming it…I didn’t catch that too much in the book.
Hi Kim!
I appreciate your inspiring writing when you link the theme of wicked problems with parenting struggles.
You wrote, “There is one final point where I want to connect Bentley to my work with parents. He wrote, “Of course, the problem is us. We are always present in all our problems, big or small, tame or wicked. “[6] This idea was especially poignant to me, as a significant part of my parenting journey has been seeing my own weakness and leaning on God’s grace in the midst of the challenges. Whatever form my final project takes, I want to build upon a foundation of spiritual transformation of the parent. I am convinced that as we allow God to grow us, refine our character and produce the fruit of the Spirit in us, we will grow to be more effective, thriving parents.”
My question is, what are the fundamental issues related to the wicked problems issue that you encounter in today’s parenting issues and challenges?