Conversations I have with myself, my sphere of influence, and the world.
Darn…5 minutes late in posting!
Conversations…what a meaningful word. We have millions of conversations in our lifetimes, some silly, like arguing with your spouse on who changed the last diaper, to life-changing conversations like one that starts with the question, “Will you marry me?” We begin conversations with our parents as we babble back and forth until we have the form of words and an understanding of their meaning. Learning to talk and have a dialogue with another human being is one of the most critical skills we know, and one we take for granted many times until we are at the end of our life and no longer have words or the understanding of the meaning of the words we do have. It should be no surprise to all of you that there are many books out there about conversations. I have a shelf of these books I acquired in my research for my NPO.
Conversations with myself: (and no, I’m not losing it…or at least not that much)
Beginning day one of our doctoral journey, we were encouraged to start asking a fundamental question…Why? In his book Start with Why, Simon Sinek writes about what it takes to be a great leader. He challenges that leaders are leaders because they have followers, and they follow because they are inspired. “For those who have an open mind for new ideas, seek to create long-lasting success, and believe that your success requires the aid of others, I offer you a challenge. From now on, start with “why.” [1] We had to find a Need, Problem, and opportunity and question why this is an NPO. One of the Authors, Peter Boghossian, spoke to a group of University of Florida Med students who were part of a critical thinking fellowship on his book How to Have Impossible Conversations: A convenient guide; he states, “Don’t start the conversation with your opinion first. Instead, you ask, ‘Why do you believe this?’” [2] My boss often starts introductions with new groups by asking us to say what our “hospice Why” is. This is why we do this hard work. We all have one, which centers and grounds us in the work, especially when it gets complicated.
We must start the conversation, all of them, with ourselves and ask why: Why am I feeling this way, why am I responding this way, why am I offended, etc.? These critical conversations depend on our self-awareness. So go on, friend, and have a good chat with yourself!
Conversations within my sphere of influence.
My doctoral project centers on conversations: “How to have courageous, culturally competent, soulful conversations on end-of-life. A conversation, especially a crucial one, begins with the courage to do so. “Just because we are in the middle of a critical discussion (or maybe thinking about stepping up to one) doesn’t mean we’re in trouble or won’t fare well. In truth, when we face crucial conversations, we can do one of three things:
- We can avoid them
- We can face them and handle them poorly
- We can face them and handle them well.”[3]
It seems like a fundamental truth, but it needs to be said. I believe (and I wish I had data to back me up, as I don’t), But I guess that most of our crucial conversations land in one of the first two categories, either avoided or handled poorly. In a leadership book called Conversational Intelligence: How Great Leaders Build Trust and Get Extraordinary Results by Judith Glaser, she speaks of building a WE mentality in leadership instead of ME-centered. She writes about how to handle triggers of fear in conversations. “When we are in a fear state, our conversations are shaped by the neurochemistry of fear. We can only think about protecting ourselves. Trust, empathy, and support are the best antidotes to the brain’s fear state”[4]. So, at least our avoidance is explained; we are trying to protect ourselves.
Conversations with the world….
What a perfect book we read at the end of a semester about Christian Nationalism and Colonialism when we faced a very polarizing election in America. When the election results came in, I honestly felt numb, and I still do, but I know that I do not get to live there in those feelings because that is a position privilege. I also think my numbness comes into play because those who disagree with me on a political and ideological level don’t seem to want to listen to me. Civil conversation is gone. I appreciate that this week’s authors, Boghossian and Lindsay, define these people as ideologues.
“Ideologue, noun.
[ahy-dee-uh-lawg]
A person who zealously advocates an ideology.” [5]
“We define an ideologue as ‘One who is unwilling or unable to revise their (moral) beliefs.’ Trying to converse with an idealogue rarely results in an actual conversation. It’s someone speaking at you, usually by delivering messages.” [6] In Peter’s lecture at the University of Central Florida, he offers advice on where to start: “Put the burden of understanding on yourself.”
I could continue, but I will stop before I’m way over in word count and too close to midnight!! Eek, I may not get it in on time!
[1] Sinek, Simon. Start with Why: How Great Leaders Inspire Everyone to Take Action. (New York, Pengquin books, 2009) pg 7
[2] Boghossian, Peter. How to have Impossible Conversations. (YouTube, lecture 2/15/23) University of Central Florida.
[3] Patterson, Kerry, and Grenny, Joseph, and McMillan, Ron, and Switzler, Al. Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking when Stakes are High. (New York, McGraw-Hill, 2002.) pg 3
[4] Glaser,Judith E. Conversational Intelligence. (MA, Bibliomotion, inc, 2014) pg 35.
[5] Boghossian, Peter and Lindsay, James. How to Have Impossible Conversations: A very practical guide. (New York, Hachette Group, 2019) pg 159
[6] Boghossian and Lindsay, 157
About the Author
Jana Dluehosh
Jana serves as a Spiritual Care Supervisor for Signature Hospice in Portland, OR. She chairs the corporate Diversity, Equity, Inclusion and Belonging committee as well as presents and consults with chronically ill patients on addressing Quality of Life versus and alongside Medical treatment. She has trained as a World Religions and Enneagram Spiritual Director through an Anam Cara apprenticeship through the Sacred Art of Living center in Bend, OR. Jana utilizes a Celtic Spirituality approach toward life as a way to find common ground with diverse populations and faith traditions. She has mentored nursing students for several years at the University of Portland in a class called Theological Perspectives on Suffering and Death, and has taught in the Graduate Counseling program at Portland Seminary in the Trauma Certificate program on Grief.4 responses to “Conversations I have with myself, my sphere of influence, and the world.”
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Jana,
So so so much good stuff in here!
When we are in a fear state, our conversations are shaped by the neurochemistry of fear. We can only think about protecting ourselves. Trust, empathy, and support are the best antidotes to the brain’s fear state” I need to remember “BRAIN CHEMISTRY” next time I am in a difficult conversation, especially at work. I wonder if by simply prompting myself with those words “brain chemistry” when I begin to feel the fear of that might bring me back to a more regulated or at least a more self-aware state.
The other quote I am taking with me is “Put the burden of understanding on yourself.” Ask a lot of questions – sincerely, not with an alternative motive (ie getting them to listen to me). Humble myself realizing that maybe I don’t have all the right answers and maybe I can learn something from the one with whom I disagree.
Thanks Jana!
I think “brain chemistry” and taking responsibility are good ones to remember as catch words for ourselves aren’t they. I think that may be the only way through the next 4 years:)
Hi Jana,
I like your post about giving space to have a conversation with ourselves. You write, “We must start the conversation, all of them, with ourselves and ask why: Why am I feeling this way, why am I responding this way, why am I offended, etc.? These critical conversations depend on our self-awareness. So go on, friend, and have a good chat with yourself!”
How effective is talking to yourself on our ability to have conversations with others?
Blessings.
Jana,
Thank you for highlighting the inner dialogue that needs to take place. There is so much that we need to understand about ourselves and why we are responding in certain ways in a conversation that comes out in our responses, body language and actions. At certain times during crucial conversations, I have done all of the three things you listed: 1) handled them poorly, 2) faced them, and/or 3) handled them well. All of process of learning and growing. Keeping us all in prayer as we near the end of this journey together. Have a great week!