All The Things!
My BFF (in my head)
Let me just put it out there. I am a FanGirl of Brene Brown. I have been a fan long before the world discovered her. She is my BFF (in my head). My mentor and, in my opinion, one of the most brilliant beings on the planet is friends with Brene Brown. They went to graduate school together and they talk often. I have shamelessly tried to invite myself to their lunches by hinting that my calendar is free or drop by her office when I know that she will be there. It has not worked. I have failed miserably, and I have too much respect for my mentor to ask her to make the introduction, to casually bring me up in their conversations. I secretly hope that she will read this blog and surprise me at our next lunch by inviting Brene. I hope that you are reading this Ann. ( : I am available next Wednesday and every Wednesday after that!
The Book
I thought that I would approach this book a little differently. Because I am such a fan, I thought I would begin with some of my favorite quotes from the book. Here are my top four:
- “Vulnerability is not winning or losing. It’s having the courage to show up when you can’t control the outcome.”[1]
Having the courage to show up is no small feat. My Dad had a saying, “The world is changed by those that show up.” Although this phrase annoyed me to no end because he usually said it in response to something that I was falling short on. I understand it so much better now than I did then. Showing up is what matters. As leaders, we don’t always have to have the answers but being present is what is important, and it is as important in the times of tribulation as it is in the time of triumph. We must show up.
- “Vulnerability minus boundaries is not vulnerability. It’s confession, manipulation, desperation, or shock and awe, but it’s not vulnerability.”[2]
Vulnerability is often confused with telling your entire story to everyone. It is not. Vulnerability allows your true self to emerge. It is not hiding who you are and what you feel. I can see how it gets confusing. Vulnerability does not mean that you don’t use discretion or boundaries. Boundaries are healthy. Boundaries show others where your limits are. Healthy vulnerability does not leave up wide open to others, but it allows you to introduce yourself to others on your own authentic terms.
- “To feel is to be vulnerable. Believing that vulnerability is weakness is believing that feeling is weakness.”[3]
I was talking to my 15-year-old son about how to best deal with a situation. He applied for the English Honor Society and received a rejection letter. He was ½ a point lower than the person the received the last remaining spot. He is a Sophomore in High School and can apply again next year, so there is still a reasonable chance that he will get in next year. He was upset but trying very hard not to appear upset. My suggestion was that he draft an email thanking the Department Head for the chance to apply and asking how he could strengthen his application next year. He thought it was the worst suggestion ever. He was appalled that I would suggest it. His response was, “I don’t want to look thirsty”. He was afraid to be vulnerable and express that he really wanted to get in, he was afraid that showing disappointment and asking for help would make him look weak. I knew that a deep dive into how vulnerability is an asset would fall on deaf ears at 9 pm at night to my 15-year-old son. So, I said, “I am asking you to trust me and send an email in your own words. It is ultimately your decision; I am not going to make you do it. But it would solidify in the English Chair’s mind that you are serious about your candidacy.” We ended the conversation, and both went to bed. The next day I received a text with words that will live on and one. The text said, “You were right!” Later that night he told me that he was afraid of
- “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, and joy.”[4]
Vulnerability can remove the barriers the prevent us from being truly open. Love, belonging and joy are things that we should all be chasing after, and holding on tight when we find it. If vulnerability is the birthplace, then let us all lean in. Imagine a world where vulnerability, love, belonging, and joy were valued more than power, position, and money. That is a world I’d really like to live in.
Embrace It
My challenge to you is to lead with vulnerability. Embrace the spaces where love exists and foster love in other spaces. Acknowledge the beauty of belonging and chase fearlessly the things that bring your joy. I challenge you to answer these questions for yourself.
- Do I fear my own vulnerability?
- Do I feel that showing vulnerability makes me a weak leader?
- Do I make others feel ashamed of their vulnerability?
- Do I have the capacity to see vulnerability as an asset?
I encourage you to take some time with these questions and your answers. Whatever emerges, I pray that you will use it to help you grow as a leader. That is what I plan to do. Have a great summer, Loved Ones.
[1] Brene’ Brown, Dare to Lead – Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. (New York, NY: Random House, 2018), 20.
[2] Ibid., 39.
[3] Ibid., 42.
[4] Ibid., 43.
About the Author
Jonita Fair-Payton
10 responses to “All The Things!”
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Hi Jonita,
I love how you highlighted your top four Brene Brown quotes!
So…I’m going to note my top four Jonita Fair-Payton quotes from your blog post:
1. “As leaders, we don’t always have to have the answers but being present is what is important”
2. “Healthy vulnerability… allows you to introduce yourself to others on your own authentic terms.”
3. “We ended the conversation, and both went to bed.”
4. “Love, belonging and joy are things that we should all be chasing after, and holding on tight when we find it.”
You do all these with grace, Jonita. And absolutely, ending a conversation well even without agreement and heading to bed is a great tool for gaining a new perspective. I’m holding on tight to joy, love, and belonging with you as we wrap up this semester.
Thank you my friend for a fun academic year! Year 3 here we come!
Thank you Jenny! I pray that you have a wonderful trip next week. I am so grateful for your friendship.
I love this: “If vulnerability is the birthplace, then let us all lean in. Imagine a world where vulnerability, love, belonging, and joy were valued more than power, position, and money. That is a world I’d really like to live in.”
I think this is the call of leadership: Creating (writing, shaping, leading, etc.) the world we’d really like to live in!
Great post, Jonita. I was NOT a Brene Brown fan (not her fault, I had a faulty perspective of her without having read her books), but after reading this book I most certainly am.
In fear and trembling (and vulnerability) can I make a suggestion? When you wrote about encouraging your son to put himself out there and be clear with his department head about what he wanted, I could’t help but think of your winsome story at the beginning of this post about you wanting to meet Brene. Is it possible that a vulnerable clear humble conversation with your mentor that says “hey, I’d really like to meet her if you can arrange that. if not I understand” could open that door? (I know I’m sticking my nose in where it doesn’t belong so feel free to ignore me or shoot me down).
Some things I appreciate about you is your honesty, your passion, and your deep personal and intellectual grasp of and wrestling with our texts and conversations. If we were choosing teams of people to be in our corner, I’d pick you to be on my team every day of the week. Thanks for leaning in and showing up so often in school and in life. It’s creating that better world you are talking about.
See you in DC!
Tim,
I am so glad that you have a new appreciation for Brene Brown. As for the advice…you are so right. I have been so tentative about making my wishes known, which is not at all my nature. Thank you for the friendly nudge. BTW… I would choose you for my team also. I’m grateful for you and your voice and your response came on a day when I needed some positive energy. You Rock!
“Vulnerability minus boundaries is not vulnerability. It’s confession, manipulation, desperation, or shock and awe, but it’s not vulnerability.”[2]
Vulnerability is often confused with telling your entire story to everyone. It is not. Vulnerability allows your true self to emerge. It is not hiding who you are and what you feel. I can see how it gets confusing. Vulnerability does not mean that you don’t use discretion or boundaries. Boundaries are healthy. Boundaries show others where your limits are. Healthy vulnerability does not leave up wide open to others, but it allows you to introduce yourself to others on your own authentic terms.
I think this is the most important part of her work. It has to be well boundried! I think the aftermath of someone who as fallen out of grace is either doubling down on innocence or the “devil” made me do it and no personal responsibility is taken, or it’s being over vulnerable and turns into emotional wreckage! Thanks for your posts, your friendship, the checkins! I am so glad to be in this with you! Can’t wait to see you next week!
Jana,
Thank you for your friendship and your voice. I am so thankful for you, and I am looking forward to spending some time with you next week.
Thanks Jonita! I hope that she was reading it and that you two will get a chance to have lunch soon. It has been great being on this journey with you. Thank you for your reflections, posts and presence in this program. Have a great summer! Year three here we come. . . or are?
Cathy,
I am grateful for your kindness and your wisdom…we are almost there! Year Three…I can hardly believe it.
I’m with you Jonita, I am a huge fan of Brene Brown as well! You are so close to being able to meet her its almost painful. I hope your friend reads your blog as well as these comments and says you can invite one peer group member and friend! (Pick me)
Love the quote from your Dad, “The world is changed by those that show up”. This goes along with the idea of “operationlizing” our values and living them out. Actually doing the thing and having someone hold you accountability can be annoying! However, it is so appreciated in hindsight. Thanks for sharing!
Adam,
Of course, you can be my plus one. I need to get to work on it and take Tim’s advice to just ask to be introduced. I’ll keep you posted.
My Daddy had so many great saying… they were so annoying as a child but now I find great value in them.