A Failure of Nerve Among Church Leaders
“Leadership is essentially an emotional process rather than a cognitive phenomenon.” (Friedman p. 14)
Edwin H. Friedman was a rabbi, a family counselor, and leadership consultant, who was best known for his 1985 book Generation to Generation which applied the concept of “family systems theory” to churches and synagogues. In his follow-up book, A Failure of Nerve, Friedman covers a wider range of leadership issues via the lens of a family therapist.
Friedman makes the case that leaders often get bogged down because of emotional issues and never reach their potential to lead. I found many of Friedman’s concepts intriguing. I have a degree in Social Work, I have studied family systems theory, and I once worked as a family therapist. I have also served in ministry at local churches for over 25 years.
As I read A Failure of Nerve, I discovered some ideas that might be valuable for those involved in church ministry as leaders.
Adaptation to Immaturity
In A Failure of Nerve, Friedman proposes that leaders often fail to lead because of “the herd instinct.” Decisions are delayed, softened, or canceled because of a feeling that they will not be popular. On pages 79-82, the author gives some examples of this “adaptation to immaturity.”
- Judges that gave in to the excuses of repeat offenders…and handed out lighter consequences because they did not want to be labeled as “harsh” by the community.
- A homeless ministry that faced fierce opposition after proposing that clients do some kind of work before they are allowed to eat.
- A Christian denomination that raised funds for clergy that were in financial trouble (as opposed to rewarding those who were doing a good job).
- An ex-wife who was continually taken advantage of by her ex-husband.
- A lecture that was sidetracked and taken over by an angry person in the audience who was offended.
Church leaders are not CEOs of businesses. They are accountable to their congregations, and they are charged to serve them. Yet, no one can lead anything via complete support by everyone involved. The very essence of “leadership” is that the leader is taking a group to a place where they have never been before. Leadership always means change…and change is never supported by everyone.
Making Tough Decisions vs. Sensitivity
As understood today, empathy may be a luxury afforded only by those who do not have to make tough decisions. For “tough decisions” are decisions the consequence of which will be painful to others…Ultimately, societies, families, and organizations are able to evolve out of a state of regression not because their leaders “feel” for or “understand” their followers, but because their leaders are able, by their well-defined presence, to regulate the systemic anxiety in the relationship system they are leading and to inhibit the invasiveness of those factions which would prompt its agenda. (Friedman, p. 146)
A related issue is that part of the role of a minister is to meet needs. When members of a congregation face crisis and conflict they often turn to pastors for help. Jesus is the ultimate example of this, He healed the sick, taught the masses, and even made time for children. Pastors learn that they must be compassionate, kind, and intuitive to the needs of others.
Where this gets complicated is when a pastor needs to make difficult decisions that may hurt the feelings of someone in the church. How do you tell a sweet lady with a terrible voice that she cannot sing a solo on Easter? How do you explain to elderly church members that money needs to be raised for an upgraded nursery? How do you lead an affluent congregation to do ministry in the community when the area around the church building has transitioned to become a low-income neighborhood? What does a church do when the Hispanic ministry ends up having greater attendance than the mother church and wants to switch worship spaces?
Friedman argues that good leaders make tough decisions that are not determined by the desires of the crowd.
The Danger of Triangles
Friedman borrowed the concept of “triangles” from family system’s theory. In a “triangle,” the leader finds himself/herself torn between the needs of two individuals (or things).
Just like an adolescent who is stressed-out because her parents are constantly fighting, a leader can get sidetracked when there are conflicting parties who are begging for attention.
Objects of triangulation are not always people. A leader can get caught between the desire to have a larger church and the desire to have a healthier relationship with his/her family. A leader can also be torn between the desire to reach a different ethnic group and the fear that elderly church members might leave.
Friedman proposes that leaders view their situations via the lens of triangles. He states:
“For leaders, the capacity to understand and think in terms of emotional triangles can be the key to their stress, their health, their effectiveness, and their relational binds.” (Friedman, p. 219)
A Desire for Quick Fix
The effect on leaders of this widespread demand for a quick fix is that it turns them from professionals into hacks. For as long as leaders cater to the demand that they fix things quickly rather than encourage, promote, or even force those in their system to deal with their own emotional being, then these leaders—be they parents or presidents—also miss out on challenging opportunities to grow. (Friedman, p. 95)
The subtitle of this book is “Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix.” In Friedman’s mind, a significant failure of leadership often happens when a leader places focus on the symptom instead of the problem. This is often seen in leaders who “micro-manage” his employees (or volunteers). The pastor who is constantly playing referee to feuding staff members or church members will soon discover that this has become a permanent role. Just as a good marriage counselor desires for the couple to be able to solve their own problems without a mediator, a good pastor will work with church members and staff to be able to mature to a place of resolving their own conflicts.
While Friedman clearly encourages leaders to step out boldly and make tough decisions, there is something to be said for making wise decisions. The “quick fix” might also be a new program, technology, or resource that promises unbelievable results. More than one pastor has attended a church leadership conference only to return with a “change everything” attitude. These attempts are rarely successful and often lead to bitterness and destruction. There must be balance between leadership without total support, and leadership with inadequate support.
Reading A Failure of Nerve challenged me to think differently about church leadership. While I realize that church leadership will always involve difficult decision-making, Friedman has given me some insight on how to view problems differently.
Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix (New York: Church Publishing, 2007)
https://youtu.be/RgdcljNV-Ew
About the Author
Stu Cocanougher
8 responses to “A Failure of Nerve Among Church Leaders”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
“Jesus is the ultimate example of this, He healed the sick, taught the masses, and even made time for children. ”
Jesus had the right balance between the ‘cerebral’ (teaching) and ’emotional’ (healing). He knew to empathize with marginalized people but run the money changers out of the temple. All of the things that Friedman pointed out are good things to reflect on, but Jesus is still our best example!
“The “quick fix” might also be a new program, technology, or resource that promises unbelievable results. More than one pastor has attended a church leadership conference only to return with a “change everything” attitude. These attempts are rarely successful and often lead to bitterness and destruction. ”
This statement occurs far too often. I would say that the bitterness may also stem from the church feeling as though they are failing. The time and effort it takes to implement new programs only to have them not succeed is very destructive if this is the habitual pattern of leadership. Failure can be a growth opportunity but when it occurs as explained above growth is usually not the actual result.
Stu this statement is true when one receives and vision and tries to share “A leader can get caught between the desire to have…”
Leadership requires so refueling time. We need to make time to refuel when we are emptied. We must also remember as minister leaders that God’s plan comes with provisions. Our plan we must provide.
Stu, right at the start of your post you made me laugh. I know that guy in the photo! 🙂
You gave a great summation of leadership and the reason why Friedman argues for the self-differentiated leader.
“The very essence of “leadership” is that the leader is taking a group to a place where they have never been before. Leadership always mean change…and change is never supported by everyone.”
The change is the hard part. Friedman takes it one step further, not only must the group go through change but it must start with the leader’s emotional development.
I found it very interesting that in addition to developing the leader, Friedman suggests that—instead of spending time trying to help change the toxic people at the cost of the whole group, a mature leader gives time and energy to the creative, imaginative and motived of the group; as these develop emotionally they too will impact the group in a positive way. Enjoyed your post Stu!
“Leadership always mean change…and change is never supported by everyone.” I love the examples you provide of change challenges in churches. And speaking of…. today I visited our seniors Sunday School class to let them know about the changes happening in our foyer/narthex. We often hear them complain that we don’t take their needs into account anymore, that it’s all about the young people, etc. By initiating the conversation with them, reminding that we need to be a place that welcomes everyone, and (probably most importantly) giving them details that they’ll like about the changes (better lighting and seating), they seemed to accept it gracefully. Navigating change within a church community is always an adventure.
The word of the day is “narthex.”
I wish. I suggested a “naming contest” to come up with something completely different. Sigh.
“Leadership always means change…and change is never supported by everyone.” Yes Stu. Leading is not for the faint of heart and you have to like yourself enough to still lead the vision even when everyone else dislikes you or stops following you. That takes guts and a strong loyaly and love for self along with clarity for the vision set before you.
“While Friedman clearly encourages leaders to step out boldly and make tough decisions, there is something to be said for making wise decisions.” Good balance- quick, wise decisions. Making calculated risks requires the head and heart. I love the saying, “Follow your heart, and take your head with you.”