Wants, Values, Therapy & Fire.
It’s unsettling how much intentionality is required to spend our hours doing what we want to do. In our transcendence through the information age into now limitless potential and possibilities, creators and leaders are paralyzed by freedom. The biggest obstacles creators (entrepreneurs, knowledge workers, pastors, artists, writers, etc) face is knowing what they are supposed to be working on and moving in the direction of that work with sustained momentum.
What do I want?
The cursor has been blinking for quite some time on the other side of that question. That question can seem trivial, selfish, or unrealistic depending on the defaults[1]structuring your nervous system, circumstances, and worldview. Regardless of the judgements your psyche places on that question, it would still be nice to know.
For those who follow or depend on you, personally and professionally, “do they know what you value most?…..Do you know what you value most?… Do they know the one thing that’s most important?”[2]
These questions asked to Shane Parish (former intelligence agent turned knowledge entrepreneur) by his mentor, gave me pause.
How Do Values Influence Behavior?
If I could answer that question, I wonder if it would reveal what is leading my activity, decisions, and behaviors. Or, if I am mostly influenced by other factors internally and externally? Internal things like traumas, core fears, and repressed parts of myself trying not to be triggered. External things like cultural expectations, safety, and comfort. Certainly these factors affect the way I experience my trajectory toward purpose and calling, but is my core value strong enough to hold them in tension and keep me moving forward?
And what about a family and community? Does my core value change and morph to take on a new shape as I integrate into the responsibility of being with and leading others? Is it inherent or learned? Is it given to me by a faith tradition, philosophy, or ethos – or has it been there as a unique part of my identity from the beginning, waiting to be discovered and lived into?
I am building a connection here between what I value most, leading to a statement about what I want. It seems important in this world of limitless needs, problems, and opportunities to be able to say that plainly – to myself and to others who care about me or need me. And equally important to be able to ask those I lead the question and help them discover their answer.
Core Values & Existential Psychotherapy
In a therapy session at the VA, a student trained in existential psychotherapy led me through an exercise with a deck of values cards[3]. The cards were based on the Theory of Basic Human Values pioneered by social psychologist Shalom H. Schwartz.
57 individual values (loyal, social justice, freedom, authority, respect for tradition, ect) are categorized into 10 different themes (tradition, power, universalism, security, ect.). You place each card into 3 different piles:
- Very Important
- Somewhat Important
- Not Important
Next you narrow the cards in pile 1 down to 10 cards. Then to 5 cards. Then to 3 cards. Then to 1 card. Parrish mentions multiple times in his book, making the invisible visible. This is precisely what this exercise did for me. It revealed the single most important value I currently held, as well as the categories of values I find important and the ones I do not. This brought so much clarity to tensions in my marriage, misses with colleagues, and challenges with authority figures and institutions I had been a part of.
What we did not get to in my therapy session was peeling back the layers of where that value may have come from – whether it was a survival value, a conditioned value, a reasoned value, or something truly from my authentic presence and purpose in the world. Maybe those distinctions are not as clean cut as I would like them to be.
The Hope of Becoming Fully Alive
I’m noticing that clarity around those top values, has given me the confidence to direct my limited energy and time toward the people, problems, and projects that I can give myself fully to. It has also revealed the ego “yeses” that I toss about liberally that are not sustainable or in line with what I truly value. There are many worthy pursuits and possibilities in this world. There is much need and longing to make things right. The path to purpose is fraught with misalignment and missed expectations. The great theologian, mystic, and civil rights leader, Howard Thurman said “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”[4] My hope is that I can accept for myself and offer to others the gift of being fully alive in the beauty of our uniqueness and finitude. And with that clarity design, build, and extend that beauty to places where it is not.
[1] Shane Parrish, Clear Thinking: Turning Ordinary Moments into Extraordinary Results, 10
- Emotion Default
- Ego Default
- Social Default
- Inertia Default
[2] Ibid, 160
[3] The Values Deck | A Card Sorting Game to Explore Your Personal Values https://www.amazon.com/dp/0578493616?ref=ppx_yo2ov_dt_b_fed_asin_title.
[4] Gil Bailie, Violence Unveiled: Humanity at the Crossroads (New York: Crossroad Publishing Company, 1995)
About the Author
Christian Swails
Christian is the founder of CoCreation - a Startup Hub for social entrepreneurs in Savannah, Ga. He serves as the Spiritual Director for Wesley Gardens Retreat Center and Wesley Monumental United Methodist Church.8 responses to “Wants, Values, Therapy & Fire.”
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Christian –
I’ve never encountered the Values Deck before–it looks like a powerful exercise and hopeful invitation!
Your post caused me to reflect on my own struggles to articulate “what I want.” It was only a few years ago that I discovered it’s okay to WANT—to have desires and discover what deeper desires or needs they may point us to. Most of my upbringing and experiences in the church seemed to focus on the purgation of “desire” and the perspective that a want of any kind was rooted in selfishness or sinfulness.
Thus, I feel a little handicapped in helping people unlock their holy desires, but I am hopeful that as I continue to journey into that “fully alive” place, I can invite people to come along with me. Your reminder of the connection between values and what to want most is great calibration.
How have you seen leaders invite others to identify and live into the sacred space of desire well?
Thanks Jeremiah. Those messages around purgation of desire are deeply interwoven into many expressions of the Christian tradition (and others as well). It is a challenging conditioning to overcome, or to even question.
What a beautiful question, thank you for the opportunity to reflect on this. I have mostly experienced the transmission of this from those who write about it. I’m sitting here a bit stunned honestly. If I ask myself, “who do I know that is fully alive, and inviting others into that?”, my list of personal connections is slim. It would most likely be Coaches or Spiritual Directors. I suppose people drawn to that type of work have discovered something within from the help of others in a similar setting. In that sense, I suppose it come back to being a non-judgmental presence and asking good questions that you do not know the answers to – allowing others to self-discover what’s there in a brave space.
A bonus author I am reading right now is Charles Eisenstein. He is certainly inviting me to reflect on and live into my desire for connection through his work “The More Beautiful World Our Hearts Know is Possible”
Thanks for this response, Christian.
Interestingly, the fully alive people I know seem to be very comfortable with the space of invitation—that nonjudgmental but curious presence—and almost allergic to putting pressure on others.
I’ve ordered Eisenstein’s book as something to dig into as part of an Eastertide journey. Thanks for sharing it!
Christian- i always enjoy your deep reflections about the topic. Thank you.
I guess my question to Jesus one day will be ‘why are all of us humans so very complex?’ It is wild, isn’t it, that we can be so unaware of so much of ourselves despite a life time of commitment to self awareness.
I am not aware of that resource from the social psychologist Shalom H. Schwartz and it looks very helpful. I shall try and buy some!
The quote you kindly give us from Howard Thurman is excellent “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
Are you aware of what makes you come alive? Did the cards help you articulate your values and did they help you on the journey to what you makes you feel alive or lights your flame? Have your values or those things that make you come alive changed over time or are there themes that are consistent?
Thank you Betsy.
Yes, it seems the self-awareness work never ends. My wife often reminds me that it is a lifetime of work (and then some) and lets me know when she is getting second-hand “growth fatigue”.
These are wonderful questions:
“Are you aware of what makes you come alive?”
– Probably not at the essence level. But I do know what actions and experiences fill me with fire and energy. It’s typically connected to speaking, teaching, and facilitating sacred experiences.
“Did the cards help you articulate your values..?”
– Yes, they did. My number 1 was Wisdom. The pursuit of Wisdom generates and meets the truest longings I have.
“Have your values or those things that make you come alive changed over time or are there themes that are consistent?”
– I believe I continue to discover what has always been there. Like a thread connecting my actions, decisions, and experiences in life. Risk and Adventure have always been with me and have removed many barriers in my pursuits that seem to give others pause.
Thank you for the helpful reflection, Betsy.
What about you? What makes you come alive?
Hi Christian,
I, likewise, was unaware of Schwartz’ theory and the Values model used in the deck. Thanks for sharing.
What are your thoughts on values, identity, and wants shifting over time? How does a change in these things relate to the way of Jesus?
This is an important question, Joff. Does following in the Way of Jesus effect my values and wants?
I would have to say for me that is certainly has. Or maybe the Way of Jesus reveals what is already there? I don’t know. But what I do know is the strongest and highest value I have inherited from the Christian lineage is Love. There is a self-preservation part of me that makes this value challenging to operate from. But choosing to model my life after that of Jesus’ is constantly strengthening that value. At one point I decided that Love is the highest universal value in the cosmos and that reality itself is built on the love of God flowing into all things. And when we choose love, we fall into the flow of how things actually work.
This is the main teaching of the mystical stream of most major religions. And i found it first in the Way of Jesus.
Now, all that being said, if I am completely honest, Love is not my highest value. I want for it to because I believe it is indeed the highest Value of the Kingdom, of Jesus, of God, of Reality. And over time it has changed me and become a deeper part of my operating system and worldview. But I still have other values that are naturally higher on the list. And I am coming to understand that that is ok. And that that is part of my unique contributions to the Kingdom. Love continues to move up and integrate, and maybe one day will be all and in all.
What about you, Joff? Have your values changed in the Way of Jesus?
Christian,
This is such a thoughtful reflection; there’s so much depth and honesty in your wrestling with identity, purpose, and values. Thank you for being so honest.
I was especially struck by the way you described how naming your core value helped untangle tensions in your life; it’s powerful how clarity can become a kind of compass when everything else feels uncertain.
Your question lingers with me: “Is my core value strong enough to hold competing forces in tension and still move me forward?” That’s such a brave and necessary question. I wonder, how do you think we continue refining or even discovering that core value when life’s demands and influences never stop shifting around us?