With Love, All Things are Possible.
My European colleague and I have just competed field-testing of a new set of conversation tools with focus groups from Canada and Europe. The project, which sought to lay a foundation for disagreeing well, was developed by a request from the European Evangelical Alliance. Within the Christian community, polarization and extreme views seem to be on the rise, and it has become difficult to foster understanding of differing views on a range of moral, political, and social issues. But a significant recurring piece of feedback participants gave us was the importance of understanding the “why” behind working through our polarized differences, pointing to the heart of God’s love for all humanity that was giving them renewed courage to stay open to those on opposite sides of differences or conflicts. The most valuable reminder, ahead of learning depolarizing techniques, was the very reason we are called to pursue reconciliation.
In How To Have Impossible Conversations, Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay lay out a very practical and necessary set of tools for civil society. This book, categorized under Political Science, Communications and Self-help draws the reader to start with what they call the seven fundamentals of good conversations, the first of which is to clarify the goal or the ‘why’ behind an impossible conversation. [1]
They continue, encouraging the reader to switch from winning to understanding the reasoning of one’s conversation partner. [2] In many ways, all the tips for de-escalating a conversation flow from the foundation of treating the other person’s perspectives with merit where possible, and staying away from attacking and counter-attacking them as people. They even encourage knowing that not all conversations are resolvable — sometimes it is best to simply walk away. [3] I think these are the advisements which help us keep our wits about us, so we don’t become a “clanging cymbal.” (1 Corinthians 13:1)
This is the gold in their work. With increasing polarization and complexity, Christians are invited to consider how to act and converse in ways that reveal God’s wisdom and grace, which is described this way in book of James. ‘But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.’ (James 3:17 NIV) We must be driven by mercy and love, not by anger. Simon Walker describes this consideration as part of the journey to becoming an undefended leader. “The emotion of anger is powerful and it is not in itself wrong. However, for an activity to be inspired and driven by anger, let alone a mission, is dangerous. Ultimately, anger overturns and tears down. Anything energized by it will in the end prove destructive.” [4]
What happens when we slow down and approach divisive conversations with love, we are able to navigate cognizant of three overlapping layers of fact, feeling, and identity? [5] Showing consideration for others with whom we disagree is possible, as we take into account that convictions are often interwoven with identity. We must be willing to suspend judgement for the sake of the person. Jason Clark made this point at the Washington Advance in 2024, by inviting us to consider that “a good leader need not be afraid of going into others’ worldviews. It doesn’t change our map, but it will inform it.” [6]
So, in one sense, I see that a warning label is needed for this book. If we enter impossible conversations, but have not love, we can easily end up winning the battle, but losing the war for humanity and our souls. Rather, through listening, being careful to honour the humanity of the other, and digging for their reasoning, they will know we aren’t dismissive of them or the reasoning behind their arguments, and may even win the chance to share questions that help to open them up more.
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[1] Peter G. Boghossian and James A. Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide, First edition, (New York, NY: Lifelong, 2019), Chapter 2.
[2] Impossible, Chapter 2.
[3] Impossible, 30.
[4] Simon Walker, Leading Out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership, (Piquant Publishing, 2007), 181.
[5] Impossible, Chapter 7.
[6] Jason S. Clark, “Mind The Gap”, Lecture, (Portland Seminary Washington Advance, September 2024).
About the Author
Joel Zantingh
Joel Zantingh is a catalyst for peacemaking and intercultural teams, speaker, theologian and consultant. He is the Canadian Coordinator of the World Evangelical Alliance's Peace and Reconciliation Network, and the Director of Engagement with Lausanne Movement Canada. He has served in local and national roles within the Evangelical Missionary Church of Canada, and led their global mission arm. He has experience teaching in formal and informal settings with Bible college students and leaders from various cultures and generations. Joel and Christie are parents to adult children, as well as grandparents. They reside in Guelph, Ont., situated on the treaty lands and territory of the Mississaugas of the Credit, and home to many past, present and future First Nations peoples, including the Anishinnabe and Hodinöhsö:ni'.3 responses to “With Love, All Things are Possible.”
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Thanks Joel. You mention in your post, “that convictions are often interwoven with identity.” This was a great insight. Can expand more why you believe this to be true? How does that mindsight help us have impossible conversations?
Hey Joel! I appreciate how you centered on love in the equation of the impossible equation. In your context of peace and reconciliation, I know there are many bridges to build. What from this reading have you directly applied to your context?
Good word, Joel. I appreciate the emphasis on love in your post. Loving well, not winning or convincing, is the goal of the conversations.
How can we equip our churches for these conversations?