When I Look Into Your Eyes
“Leaning forward and maintaining eye contact indicate engagement; leaning back and avoiding eye contact indicate disengagement, or even boredom, anger or disdain.”
-Julian Treasure-
In Indonesia, it is common scene to observe couples or families sitting together at a restaurant without engaging in any conversation. Instead, they are engrossed in their own smartphones, occasionally exchanging one or two words. This phenomenon is not limited to adults; many young children in Indonesia have also become addicted to smartphones, resulting in a lack of eye contact and communication in their social interactions.
Picture: Family members using smartphones during dinner.[1]
This lack of eye contact and communication is not limited to personal relationships, as it also occurs in the context of the business and ministry world. Treasure highlights that eye contact during a conversation is a sign of engagement while avoiding eye contact indicates disengagement, boredom, anger, or contempt.[2] This issue is further compounded when individuals prefer to be glued to their smartphones instead of actively listening and engaging with others. Treasure says: “And when I started thinking about human communication I saw the full extent of the tyranny of the eyes: not only do we not listen well, we don’t speak well either.”[3] He added: “Somewhere along the way, our oldest, most natural, powerful, and effective mode of communication got taken for granted, devalued and then left behind as the world became ever-noisier and technology beguiled our eyes and appropriated our fingers too.”[4]
According to Treasure, “Intimacy requires honesty and deep knowledge of another, which can only come through listening.”[5] And one of the main keys to making intimacy in listening is eye contact. Many individuals believe that the eyes are the windows to the soul. By making eye contact, one can seemingly penetrate the depths of an individual’s mind. Conversely, the individual being stared at opens their innermost being to their interlocutor. Eye contact is a miraculous and divine gift that allows for profound understanding between individuals. The prevalence of individuals’ attachment to their smartphones in Indonesia has led to a lack of eye contact and communication during social interactions. This phenomenon has implications for personal relationships, business, and ministry. It is crucial to recognize the importance of eye contact as a means of engaging with others, allowing for deep understanding and meaningful connections between individuals. This notion is poignantly captured in the lyrics of Firehouse’s song, “I See Forever When I Look Into Your Eyes,” which states:
“I see forever when I look in your eyes
You’re all I’ve ever wanted I always want you to be mine
Let’s make a promise ’till the end of time
We’ll always be together and our love will never die
So here we are face to face and heart to heart
I want you to know we will never be apart
Now I believe that wishes can come true
‘Cause I see my whole world, I see only you
When I look into your eyes
I can see how much I love you and it makes me realize
When I look into your eyes
I see all my dreams come true
When I look into your eyes”
The beauty and profound meaning embedded in that song can easily be lost when a couple or a married pair communicate without making eye contact, instead opting to remain fixated on their smartphones. Such behavior can be regarded as one of the impacts of technology on human communication and relationships, as cautioned by Sherly Turkle. She says “We are lonely but fearful of intimacy.”[6] The allure of technology lies in its ability to satisfy our human weaknesses.[7] Turkle insists, unfortunately, we are susceptible to such weaknesses, while our interconnected existence permits us to avoid genuine interaction, even as we remain connected to one another.[8] “We’d rather text than talk.”[9]
Continuous lack of eye contact in communication may lead to numerous impacts such as feelings of worthlessness, neglect, and humiliation among individuals. These could be seen in the breakdown of marital relationships, children feeling unimportant to their parents, business associates feeling belittled, church members feeling neglected by their pastors, and many other situations. The relevance of this hypothesis is evident in the high rates of failed marriages, runaway children, failed businesses, and declining churches, where poor communication and lack of eye contact are among the leading causes.
It is crucial to note that the absence of eye contact during communication may result in a breakdown of trust and intimacy. Eye contact is a vital aspect of communication and plays a critical role in building trust and developing strong connections with others. Eye contact is one main element of empathetic communication. Treasure writes: “Empathic listening builds intimacy, trust and loyalty, but it also does involve some risk and vulnerability on both sides.”[10] In a romantic relationship, for example, lack of eye contact may signify a lack of interest, disapproval, or deceit, which may ultimately lead to reducing the relationship’s meaning. Similarly, children may interpret a lack of eye contact from their parents as disinterest or even neglect, leading to feelings of low self-worth and insecurity. The same applies to business relationships, where a lack of eye contact may indicate a lack of trust or disrespect, ultimately leading to the deterioration of the business relationship.
Furthermore, in a church setting, a lack of eye contact may make members feel undervalued and unimportant. Pastors who fail to establish eye contact with their congregants during sermons and other church activities may struggle to connect with their members and effectively communicate the church’s message. It is evident that the lack of eye contact in communication may lead to various impacts on individuals, relationships, businesses, and religious organizations. It is crucial to emphasize the importance of eye contact in nonverbal communication and encourage individuals to establish eye contact when communicating with others to build trust, establish intimacy, and foster strong relationships.
To communicate effectively and constructively, we need to master both speaking and listening skills, and eye contact is essential as it enhances communication effectiveness. Stronger relationships resulting from effective communication make life more beautiful. Reading Treasure’s book has been enlightening and motivated me to improve my communication skills, especially my speaking and listening skills. I need to make sure they experience a feeling of being valued, respected, and loved.
[1] https://www.pngwing.com/en/free-png-bfrlp.
[2] Julian Treasure, How to be Heard: Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening (Coral Gables, Fl: Mango Publishing Group, 2017), 240.
[3] Julian Treasure, How to be Heard, 9.
[4] Julian Treasure, How to be Heard.
[5] Julian Treasure, How to be Heard, 37.
[6] Sherly Turkle, Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other (New York: Basic Books, 2011), 1.
[7] Sherly Turkle, Alone Together.
[8] Sherly Turkle, Alone Together.
[9] Sherly Turkle, Alone Together
[10] Julian Treasure, How to be Heard, 154.
About the Author
Dinka Utomo
Dinka Nehemia Utomo is an ordained pastor of the Protestant Church in the Western part of Indonesia (Gereja Protestan di Indonesia bagian Barat or GPIB). He has served for more than 15 years. The first five years of his ministry were in the remote area of East Kalimantan, including people from the indigenous Dayak tribe in the small villages in the middle of the forest, frequently reached using small boats down the river. For more than 15 years, Dinka has served several GPIB congregations in several cities in Indonesia. He has always had a passion for equipping Christian families, teaching and guiding them to build equal relations between husband and wife, maintaining commitment, love, and loyalty, creating a healthy and constructive Christian family atmosphere, and rejecting all forms of violence and sexual violence. Dinka's beloved wife, Verra, is also a GPIB pastor. They have two blessed children. Dinka and his wife and children love to spend quality family time, such as lunch or dinner, and vacation to exotic places.5 responses to “When I Look Into Your Eyes”
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Dinka, I love this post. Eye contact is essential to relationship, intimacy and communication.
My wife and I started noticing we were distracted from each other snd our kids by our phones. We have determined to put our phones out of reach when we are at home and out together.
Have you made any connections between eye contact, smart phone use, and your NPO of helping Christian marriages in Indonesia? I’d be fascinated to hear about any discoveries you make regarding that.
Hi Dinka,
This week I had a couple from Australia visit. They couple was sharing their vision about two different parts of their ministry. 1) Trauma and 2) Art Therapy.
In the spirit of “Treasure” I pivoted between the two trying to lock eyes with the speaker. I even positioned my body, etc…
It took some time, but I think I was able to convey, interest and attentive.
Great post…Shalom…Russ
Dinka! you did it again! Brilliant! I love your post because how much you wrote about communicating with the eyes. When we look into someone’s eyes when they speak to us, oxytocin is released in the brain, which is a bonding hormone. So looking at others in the eyes actually brings an emotional connection. Your post gave more insight into this and I will definitely use it in the future. Thank you Dinka!
Hi Dinka,
Thank you for this wonderful post! Eye contact is a very important aspect of listening. I know that I don’t feel heard if the person who is listening isn’t looking at me, even when they make an appropriate response that indicates that I was heard. I have to watch myself on that one too!
My time in Indonesia was pre-cell phone. I am curious how well Indonesians practiced eye contact prior to mass cell phone use? My own Norwegian and familial heritage requires that I be intentional about eye contact. Cell phone use makes the challenge greater. My observation in Indonesia was that looking at someone directly may be interpreted differently than I intend. I am still learning and want to stay current while juggling a variety of different cultural norms.
The importance of eye contact so articulately shared. . .
I agree with your statement, “Eye contact is a vital aspect of communication and plays a critical role in building trust and developing strong connections with others.” This is stated in so many trainings and professional development sessions. From your perspective/experience, what practical tips do you offer to families or couples to make eye contact a priority?