“What Were You Thinking?”
Human communication is a fascinating thing. We have such an incredible ability, through our words, tone, and body language, to communicate everything from abstract ideas about distant galaxies to deep inner turmoil. I’m also always impressed by human beings and our ability to miscommunicate through assumptions, reactions, and misunderstandings. As a husband, father, and pastor, effective communication is crucial to my daily responsibilities. The book How To Have Impossible Conversations was of great interest to me.
As a parent of a toddler, a preschooler, and three teenagers, the way each of our kids communicates with us, and how we communicate with them, changes constantly. It also depends on their developmental stage. As I read through this book, the two ideas that stood out to me the most were understanding over winning and asking good questions.
I’ve never been very good at arguments out loud. I am more of a people-pleaser and tend to be quiet in conflict, afraid of saying the wrong thing. I tend to be more passive than reactive, which has its pros but also its challenges. Arguments can often feel like a battle to me, where there is a winner and a loser, based on the merit of the argument or the power dynamic involved. The authors suggest to “make understanding your conversation partner’s reasoning your (initial) goal.”[1] This was a helpful reminder and reframe of impossible conversations, especially with our kids. I generally have an opinion about what my kids should or shouldn’t do. And, of course, I’m right. Or I would change my opinion. 🙂 This reminded me that, as a dad, the goal is to connect with my teenage kids, especially when we disagree on a particular issue or idea. I’m not abdicating my role as an authority figure in their life with things that they may not realize can have significant impact on them. But I will earn trust and credibility with them if the conversations we have are focused more on connection than persuasion.
The other part of Impossible Conversations that really resonated with me is learning to ask better questions. The authors write, “When your questions are open-ended, meaning questions that allow your partner to talk at length about her thoughts in her own words…the invite conversations.”[2] So often communication breaks down because one party or the other feels threatened or attacked, even when the person asking the question is simply seeking to understand. This practice of asking open ended questions is a game changer for me. It is something I want to incorporate as a parent and pastor right away. I just have to stay away from the “what” question that pops up first in my mind: “What were you thinking?”
In her book The Six Conversations, author Heather Holleman writes, “We connect with people when we ask questions that invite them to share their lives. A good question communicates, ‘I want to know you, not fix you.’”[3] Learning to ask good questions about a person, their opinions, and their beliefs communicates that you truly care. David Augsburger, in his book Caring Enough to Hear and Be Heard, says, “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.”[4] I very much want my kids and the people of my church to feel loved in the interactions we have together. This requires me to seek to listen rather than fix, pursue rather than persuade, and let go of agendas or to-do lists in order to be interruptible and available to those who are looking for genuine connection and love.
Finally, Ken Sande, in his book The Peacemaker, reminds us that impossible conversations, or conversations in conflict, are ultimately about bringing glory to God. He writes, “Peacemakers breathe grace. They draw continually on the goodness and power of Jesus Christ, and then they bring his love, mercy, forgiveness, strength, and wisdom into the conflicts of daily life.[5]” This is a lofty goal, but something that this new resource is helping me to learn how to do.
Who are the people that you feel stuck with in conversation? What are some good questions you could ask to restart the conversation and communicate, ultimately, that you love and care for them?
[1] Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide (New York: Da Capo Lifelong Books, 2019), p. 13.
[2] Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide (New York: Da Capo Lifelong Books, 2019), p. 13.
[3] Heather Holleman, The Six Conversations: Pathways to Connecting in an Age of Isolation and Incivility (Chicago: Moody Publishers, 2022), p. 28.
[4] David Augsburger, Caring Enough to Hear and Be Heard: How to Hear and How to Be Heard in Equal Communication (Ventura, CA: Regal Books, 1982), p. 16.
[5] Ken Sande, The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2004), p. 11.
About the Author
Ryan Thorson
Follower of Jesus. Husband. Father. Pastor. Coach. I am passionate about helping people discover the gift of Sabbath and slow down spirituality in the context of our busy world.11 responses to ““What Were You Thinking?””
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
Hi Ryan,
In your engagement with people, in what ways can asking open-ended questions foster deeper trust and emotional safety in both parenting and pastoral roles? I often get annoyed if people ask me too many questions. I start making judgments, if the their questioning is caring or snooping.
Thanks Shela. I think asking questions AND listening involves also being sensitive to asking too many questions lol. I think taking time for pauses or silence in a conversation is ok too and might allow someone the opportunity to ask questions themselves rather than feeling like they are being interviewed. Thanks for the reminder that too many questions can be too much 🙂
Hey Ryan! I appreciate how you discussed your kids in this subject matter. As they grow older, there may come a time when seemingly impossible conversations seem to arise, even for a parent. What from the reading resonated most with you as it pertains to a parental relationship and conversations?
Hey daren. For my connection and understanding over winning was the most important takeaway, especially with teenage kids. A wise person in my life taught me with teenage kids that “maintaining the relationship” is one of the most important parts of parenting teens and young adults, even if they disagree or make a decision different than the one I would want.
Hey Ryan,
I really relate to what you shared about not feeling like a strong out-loud arguer—I’m the same way, and I also tend to be passive. Because of that, I know how easy it can be to let passivity become a reason to avoid stepping into an “impossible” conversation. I’d love to hear—how do you discern when it’s important to lean in and engage, even when it feels uncomfortable?
Thanks Elysse. I think when I reframe and realize the most loving and helpful thing I can do is be honest and kind with that person. Not speaking up could damage their well being or our relationship. That outweighs the uncomfortability of the potential conflict.
Hi Ryan, I appreciate your self-reflection in your post. I am wondering, have you ever noticed that some people really don’t want a solution to a problem or situation, but perhaps just a place to vent frustrations that have nothing to do with this issue at hand? There could be all kinds of reasons for that scenario, but how might you navigate a conversation with that person using one recommendation from Boghossian & Lindsay?
Thanks Diane! I think that asking clarifying questions early on in the conversation is helpful. Asking the person what they’re hoping to get out of the conversation or how I can best help them would give them a chance to say they just needed a place to vent. This would enable me to connect and understand.
Great post Ryan, and you end with questions of US when I was going to ask you the same questions. Lol!
There’s someone at my church with whom I struggle to see eye to eye. She’s the chair of the Music Committee and I’m the Music Director. I get the feeling that she is a bit of a control freak (my husband agrees, so I don’t think it’s just me), so now I’m going to try to remember that she and I both have the ultimate goal in mind: make beautiful music. I think she’s less concerned about bringing glory to God in the process… but I could be misreading her.
With what you’ve learned from the book, how do you plan to start difficult conversations with people in your church?
I think starting difficult conversations with acknowledging the things you do have in common can really help. Then articulating, using “I” statements, the rub or tension point you are feeling and restating your desire to work through this so that you can both accomplish your shared goal. Then, asking that person for help or brainstorming in resolving the tension could lead to hoped for outcomes. Thanks!
Hi Ryan, thanks for your post. How do you practice open-ended, connection-focused questions with family members, and how does this prepare you to navigate more challenging or difficult conversations in ministry or leadership?