What About Impossible Conversations with those you Love?
I’ve sworn off conversations about politics with my father. I haven’t told him this but I think he’s taken the hint. I’ve witnessed him trying really hard to not talk about politics with me. I can see him squirming, beginning to say something divisive (at least it is divisive from my perspective) and then stopping himself. For this, I am grateful.
I love my dad and I want a healthy relationship with him. The only way this seems possible is if we do not engage in conversations about politics – or anything that could tip its toe into that realm.
So, while reading the book “How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide” by Peter Boghossian, I was thinking about trying out his methods when speaking with my father. I was also considering using this book to teach a class or workshop on this topic at our church.
Boghossian’s book is about “how to communicate effectively with people who hold radically different beliefs.”[1] This is important for many reasons but ultimately, because “people act upon their beliefs—whether those beliefs are true or not.”[2]
It’s no secret that conversations across the proverbial aisle are often literally impossible these days. It seems that most of the time opponents, and that is an apt word for those engaging in the discussions, are talking at one another or worse, over the other. The goal these days seems to be to prove one’s opinions, thoughts, and beliefs, rather than to learn. As Boghossian puts it, “In such cases you’re viewed as a receptacle to pour ideas into, or as an opponent to be debated and vanquished.”[3] I wonder if, at least when it comes to politics and social policy and ideas, this is because it feels like our very nation is at stake if the other side “wins.”
This book seeks to teach the reader to have conversations with those who are willing to speak with them, not those whose goal is to indoctrinate or dump their opinions onto the reader. And the more I think about it, that may be the rub with this book.
I need a book that teaches us what to do with those who just want to “opinion dump.” Boghossian suggests we “walk away”[4] when conversing with an “asshole,”[5] but what happens when that person is someone you love? I can’t walk away (permanently) from my father, or maybe it’s that I won’t walk away from him but I also don’t feel “psychologically safe” when conversing about politics with him because I don’t feel like we are conversational partners.[6] That said, like Boghossian proposes, I know my father’s intentions are good. While there are layers to the why behind what he believes, and his epistemology is different than mine, my father has always wanted to help others and he carries desire into his beliefs.[7]
So, as I consider how to have impossible conversations, one of the lessons I am taking with me from the over thirty-six techniques, Boghossian teaches, is to try to be a conversational partner, to have as my goal, not to win the conversation, but to learn from the conversation. I will also try to remember that “seemingly impossible conversations typically have one thing in common: they’re about moral beliefs rooted in one’s sense of identity, but they play out on the level of facts (or assertions, name-calling, grandstanding, threats, etc.).[8] I do believe people are generally trying their best to do good, to be good. (Not everyone, but most of the people with whom I come in contact are trying to be the best version of themselves.) When people are passionate about a belief, whether it is logical, true, or not, they are usually coming from a place of wanting to better the world. Keeping this in mind, allows grace for the other and for one’s self, it gives us permission to learn from one another and even, perhaps, to say, “Oh! Well, I’ve changed my mind! Thank you!”
Boghossian tells us that we must “use what you’ve learned. The techniques of the previous chapters will be worthless unless you practice.”[9] I think the Church offers a unique place and people with whom to do this practice. Jesus didn’t back down from difficult conversations, often engaging with those on the other side, he was also quick to listen, to walk away and pray, to forgive. As the Body of Christ, we don’t get to say to one another, “I am walking away,” because a body part cannot walk away from another body part unless it is severed – in which case, the Body of Christ is no longer whole. I need to work more on this metaphor, but my point is, if we can have these impossible conversations in the Church and remain the Body of Christ, we can be part of healing this divisive world.
[1] Boghossian, Peter; Lindsay, James. How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide, Hachette Books, Kindle Edition, 1.
[2] Ibid, 4.
[3] Ibid.
[4] Ibid, 2.
[5] Ibid, 2.
[6] Ibid, 11.
[7] Ibid, 59.
[8] Ibid, 177.
[9] Ibid, 179.
About the Author
Kally Elliott
Mom of four. Wanna-be Broadway star. PC(USA) pastor. Wife. Friend. Sometimes a hot mess. Sometimes somewhat together. Is this supposed to be a professional bio?7 responses to “What About Impossible Conversations with those you Love?”
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.
What a great post Kally,
And what a great question: what if the “asshole” is someone you love and are unwilling to break a relationship with?
I think that this book presents a way to ‘win’ arguments rather than have conversations but you approach this in the spirit in which I felt this book should have been written.
What if, instead of tryign to win the conversation we simply listened and agreed that we didn’t see it eye to eye but could be ok leaving the difference sitting there without resolution.
I wonder if you (and I wiht my dad too) could have better conversations if we could move on without trying to make the other change their mind?
I’m still not sure I can do it. But I’ll at least play with the idea on Thansgiving.
Thanks for the challenge!
Hi Kally,
I really appreciated your post and bringing up the topic of what to do when it’s family. I love where you land with the church. I think the same potential is present in families. You wrote, “I think the Church offers a unique place and people with whom to do this practice. Jesus didn’t back down from difficult conversations, often engaging with those on the other side, he was also quick to listen, to walk away and pray, to forgive.” I think that applies to families too, But you can’t “walk away” from family. I think the walking away that Jesus demonstrated had to do with boundaries and allowing the other person to choose or think about His words, and be “wrong.” Maybe it’s more about pausing the conversation than rejecting or avoiding the person.
It’s been interesting to watch my now adult children formulate their own convictions about things. We certainly don’t agree on everything and that’s fine by me. For me, all perspectives are welcome and I enjoy hearing their thoughts and grateful they share them. Remembering how it felt to be misunderstood when I was formulating my own convictions and values helps me stay in my lane and welcome wherever my kids or other family members are at on a topic, Keeping the lines of communication and relationship in tact are big values for me. Believing the best of others and knowing we all want to make the world a better place are great take-a-ways. Thanks for a great post!
Oh Jenny! I’m so glad you mentioned remembering how it felt when you were developing your own convictions. I want to hold on to this as my children step into adulthood- two are already there. I hope I too, can stay in my own lane and cheer them on as they grow into their beliefs and convictions.
Hi, Kally,
Thanks for sharing authentically about your Dad. I believe most of us can relate to your post. Over the years, I have learned to listen and not state my view when its with people who just want to argue or persuade. (We have several in our family.) With our 4 daughters and 4 sons-in-law, there are differing views politically but so far they have always respected each other. (Praying that continues.) My husband and I make it clear that our relationships are much more important than our opinions or our vote.
I’m curious, moving forward, what tool from this book will help you the most and why?
Esther,
Yes! Relationships are more important than opinions or votes. I’ve noticed that I have had a more difficult time holding onto this belief during this election season though. This is probably due to a myriad of reasons including algorithms- but for me, it is the argument we’ve been hearing that a vote for the other person completely goes against the values and morals I hold. I don’t know if that argument is completely true but it has sunk into my brain and I have to fight it every time I put relationship over opinion. But I am fighting it, especially when it comes to those I loved before and will continue to love after the election.
I really like this mindset Kallie, ” try to be a conversational partner, to have as my goal, not to win the conversation, but to learn from the conversation. ” not to win but to learn! Brilliant
I appreciate you sharing that about you and your Father. I know that it must be difficult to have territory you want to bring someone you love into safely, but don’t feel you can without tearing the relationship. I love how you said the church could / should be where this is practiced. I agree. This should be where we can have charitable conversations and practice doing that. Appreciate the honest post.