We Do Not Always Get to Coach a David
I have always enjoyed the story of Samuel. From his mother crying in the temple to the head- scratching episode of Endor, his story has been an absorbing page turner that never gets old to me. His steadfastness and devotion to God when those around him lose their way resonates deeply with me. (As an aside, if I had not an already had a dog named Sam growing up, I would have named one of my children after him. But, alas, I can’t get my head around having a kid and a dog with the same name, so it was not meant to be.)
Regardless of my enthusiasm for Samuel, this is the first time that I’ve thought of Samuel as a leadership coach. As I roll it over in my head, I find the idea works. What better image of a coach than someone who Is not absorbed with their own benefit, but focuses on the person God has brought to them? How could coaching be more effectively modeled than keeping one’s eye on what God would have them do and speaking truth to power even when it is dangerous?
Though my work role is an internal consultant, I have done coaching as part of my job. Some days, it feels like it is my only job. The reading this week was a good reminder that this role is not to be taken for granted. For coaching to really work, two humble people need to be willing to be open with each other. When it clicks, it feels sort of like a mini-miracle. Someone entrusting me with their hopes and hang-ups is an honor.
From formal coaching training I have learned about the GROW model[1], a well-known framework in the Coaching world. I like it because I like tools that give conversations structure. It is helpful to use this simple model of identifying the “Goals”, exploring the “Reality”, identifying “Option” and establishing the “Will do” (follow up) to provide structure as I work to keep them focused on the path to their goals.
I mentioned that I have done coaching professionally. As a result, I have discovered some practical realities that support a lot of what Camacho asserts in his writings. When I am training someone on my team to coach others, I always start with the foundational concept that in a healthy coaching situation both participants have a job. I believe that the person I am coaching is an expert in their life, so I do not assume that I am going to have the solution to their problem. As coach, my job is to be a sounding board and allow the other person to identify, weigh and choose their own solutions. The coachee’s role is to be that expert and to transparently participate in the process in good faith. As the coach, I will help by focusing, questioning, guiding, reflecting, and reminding, but not directing.
As helpful as tools and role clarity are and despite my more than 10 years’ experience in this topic, there are times that the people I am coaching do not do what is required to be successful. Trouble happens when either the coach or the coachee are not keeping up their side of the bargain. Camacho writes of indicators of selfish leadership: “Wanting to look good, seeking to feel good, thinking you are always right, being in control, having a hidden agenda, etc” [2]. These are all ingredients for an unsuccessful coaching experience. I find having a list like this is helpful when I need to reflect and ask myself if any of these attitudes are true of me or consider if I need to guide my coachee to reflect on these for themself. Or both. As Camacho artfully says: “Coaching others helps people to see themselves the way God sees them.” [3]
David was not the only recipient of Samuel’s coaching. Not every person Samuel tried to help had the heart of David. To realistically think about being a coach, we also need to talk about the Sauls we may come across. I have coached people who are not on board with the process. Maybe they were required to meet with me, or they are not really interested in doing what needs to be done. They are not clear-eyed, and they do not want to be. They may have a ton of promise, but they are not moving toward their goals and could be headed down a bad path. It is important to know from the onset that some of the people you coach will not go the direction you KNOW they need to go. This is frustrating. Revisiting the frustrations Samuel felt with Saul from the lens of a coach is, in a weird way, encouraging to me. Sometimes it didn’t even work for Samuel!
Camacho’s list of “Areas where we need clarity” [4] offers a solid framing to help diagnose potential factors to resolve in order to get back on track. It is noteworthy to acknowledge that a review of this list may be used both by the coachee AND the coach. At times where we are feeling dissonance, it is good for both participants to reflect on where they may need to adjust course. While Samuel was NOT at fault for Saul’s lack of success, I don’t aways handle coaching situations flawlessly, and I continue to learn how to be better. From now on, when I am coaching Christian leaders, I will have this list to fashion into a new tool for my expanding toolkit.
[1] Whitmore, John. Coaching for Performance : GROWing Human Potential and Purpose : the Principles and Practice of Coaching and Leadership. 4th ed. Boston: Nicholas Brealey, 2009. Print.
[2] Camacho, Tom. Mining for Gold: Developing Kingdom Leaders through Coaching. First published. Nottingham: IVP, 2019. 57.
[3] Ibid. p 17.
[4] ibid. p 35.
About the Author
Jennifer Vernam
18 responses to “We Do Not Always Get to Coach a David”
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Thanks for sharing from your professional experience. You make an interesting point that sometimes coachees will not be 100% on board with the process. (Also, thank you for reassuring me that coachee is a real word!)
I don’t do any formal coaching but I think I might like to move in that direction in the future. I anticipate that I will be quite frustrated when coachees don’t follow through.
This idea of coaching is new to me. In the US Army (back in the 80’s) we had a real push for “Mentoring.” Young officers were encouraged to seek out the company of those who had “run the race.” I am beginning to see some of the differences in the two terms, but fall back to Camacho’s first principle that the Holy Spirit does the work of refining. (Kindle page 15). It sort of takes the burden off of us. HE is in charge. Shalom…Russ
Jennifer….I love the title of your blog! The statement resonates with me on a few levels: First, it speaks to the reality that our efforts don’t always amount to glorious outcomes. It might be a ‘failure’ like Saul (as you point out), but it could also include a non-spectacular ‘good moment’ with an ‘average’ person that will never make headlines…but it is still good and beautiful and important. This was something I was trying to articulate in my blog as I asked the question related to coaching leaders or simply coaching people (and ‘average’ people at that!).
That leads me to the second reason that I like your title: we evangelicals tend to read ourselves into the ‘great stories’ of the Bible without appreciating the fact there was a lot of mundaneness, inactivity, waiting and suffering for the vast majority of people throughout the long salvation story of the Old & New Testament–yet we tend to focus on the ‘one miraculous story’ as normative. For example: people suffered and died in Egypt before the Exodus and the whole lot of them (with a few exceptions!) died after the Exodus. Why, then. do we always expect God to ‘part the waters’ for us in our circumstances? Ditto for the people who died in the Lions den before and after Daniel hung out there for a while. This sort of ego-centric and victory-assured reading of the bible often leads people to disillusionment when God doesn’t do the spectacular in their own lives. I might also lead to disillusionment if we’re thinking the work of our hands should produce superstars like David. The Daniels and the Davids are rare, but that doesn’t diminish the significance or the beauty of investing in the people who will never be superstars. Most of us aren’t.
Yes! Thanks for taking my thoughts a bit further. One takeaway from your comments is that there is purpose in all outcomes; even if they are not the ones we anticipated.
I appreciate you pointing out the reality that not everyone you coach is always on board with the process. You serve in a role as an internal consultant, and I would guess that experience is so very different than the outside consultant or coach hired by the always-eager and ever-so-humble “coachee,” just waiting for the expert to move them from stuck to un-stuck. The challenge of working in an environment where someone’s definition of “flourishing” may be very different — even light years different — than the coach’s definition (and training) is real. Thanks for being honest about how frustrating this can be. I think this would be a fascinating topic for more exploration.
It might be different; though both internal and external coaches can be brought into circumstances where the recipients are not really wanted. Think unengaged leader that is too hard to let go that the organization tries to mitigate by “throwing” a coach at them, “Don’t take bad business” is a mantra that was given to me years ago by a very experienced consultant/coach, and this would be a place where that would apply! So, when I find myself in a place where I am not truly wanted by the recipient, I start looking for a graceful exit.
Thank you for your candor in your coaching journey. Your experiences with those that seem to be the “Sauls” in the coaching experiences resonate with all of us as coaches. Not everyone we coach will want to be coached. I, too, have had a few clients that did not come in with the mindset to put in the thought process it takes to move forward. This is where the ethical stance of honesty is crucial and having a detailed agreement saves the day. Peter Bluckert in his book “Psychological Dimensions of Executive Coaching” gives a list of what is to be considered, especially when coaching in a contracted situation. Some questions to be clarified with the client from the onset are:
1. Is it a two or three-party contract?
2. What are the desired outcomes of coaching?
3. What will be expected of each party (coach, client, and sponsor)?
4. What are the reporting arrangements?
5. What will be the scope and method of assessment/
6. How will the coaching intervention be structured?
7. Where will the coaching take place, how often, and what levels and availability of support is being offered?
8. How will the coaching process be reviewed and evaluated?
9. What are the business arrangements – fees, cancellation terms, and invoicing procedures?1
None of us desire to coach a Saul, but if you coach long enough, it is inevitable. The beginning agreement gives a safety harness to return to where clarity of how to move forward can be agreed upon by Saul and Samuel.
Bluckert, Peter. Psychological Dimensions of Executive Coaching. 1st ed. Buckingham: McGraw-Hill Education, 2006.
This is a great check list of sorts for starting new coaching relationships. Thanks for sharing!
Thank you for bringing up the point that not everyone who comes for coaching, actually wants to do the work. That is frustrating. I have a similar problem from time to time with people I am counseling. I can easily start questioning my skills as a counselor. Part of my job is to help people out of stuck places which requires some patience and relationship building. But, when I start feeling like I am wasting their money and my time, I have to ask some hard questions of both us. How do you manage that frustration in a coaching situation?
I think so much of what we are learning about in this program is how to ask good questions. In the situation where someone is not fully engaging, I think some good questions can help. Many of them are at the onset of the relationship. Here are a couple to try on:
– How will you know that these times we have together are successful?
– We will be setting goals in our time, how would you like me to respond when you are not able to meet your objectives between sessions?
– We have been having these sessions for x weeks, now. What progress are you seeing? How can these times be more helpful?
I am sure there are MANY more.
I also think that at the beginning, setting a predetermined length for the relationship is healthy. Something like: “lets meet for X months/weeks to work on Y” And then you have permission to reassess after to see what the next best steps are.
A question that came up in reading your blog, and that you answered for me in one of your comments (thank you) is what to do when you are coaching someone who is not taking a coachable stance? You start looking for a graceful exit.
In pastoral ministry, leaders often keep trying long after it’s evident that someone will not be coached. We need to do a better job assessing and setting boundaries.
However, would you have any suggestions about how to determine if one has truly taken “bad business” as opposed to working with someone who wants to grow but maybe just isn’t getting it? As a pastor, it’s sometimes hard to know when to be done trying to work with a person and when to continue even though it doesn’t seem to be working.
Good job asking the $100,000 question!
Some ideas:
– Is the person you are coaching setting goals for themselves? Or, are your sessions mostly about how un-solvable their problems are?
– do they set action items and follow through with at least some of them?
If these two things are not in place, then I ask myself:
a) am I giving enough structure to the conversation?
b) is the person really wanting to change, or are they just wanting a listening ear?
Don’t get me wrong, a listening ear is important, and if that is all they want, and you have the time/energy/passion to be that for them, then at least we have defined the roles. Accompaniment ( where I walk along side you even though I can not help you) is important, but it is good to have clarity on what we are really doing.
If you don’t have the time/energy/passion to do this,. then you have some language to help: “I see that the goals we set are not working for you. Maybe this is not the right time to be implementing these changes?” or variations on that theme.
Helpful? Counterpoints?
That a $100,000 answer. What I hear you saying is defining the relationship can help us navigate how to deal with people who respond differently, and we either change our approach or find someone better suited for what they need. Simple but brilliant. Thanks!
I think a lot of pastors won’t do that because they are afraid of potentially offending the person being coached, which is a topic we’ll get to in “failure of Nerve”.
Jennifer, yes! I like what you are saying about the dual work of coaching and that it doesn’t always work and what you stated about the author talking about looking at ourselves to see if the issue is with us or if it’s asking those we coach to take a deep look at themselves. Leading other to self awareness is so hard when we sometimes can see the splinter in their eye! Am I right? and yes we have the plank in our own! When you say “When it clicks, it feels sort of like a mini-miracle. Someone entrusting me with their hopes and hang-ups is an honor.” You are so right it is miraculous and an honor to be invited in. Have you ever been able to help the coached self reflect and if so, what worked for you?
Good question! Toward the end of almost any coaching conversation, I like to steer to action. So I will often ask questions like:
1. What solutions have we identified today that you want to take forward?
2. How do you want me to ask you about your progress the next time we meet?
3. How do you want me to respond if you don’t reach your objectives? (this usually brings a laugh, but starts to create a space for accountability)
4. How can I make these times more helpful for you?
That is just a list I have cobbled together over time that seems to help me tie a bow on the session, and give a chance for reflection on what we have discussed. Does that help?
Yes it does. I especially like your #3 response because it puts a lighter spin on it but also gives them the ownership of the outcomes.
COME ON, JENNIFER! I love your wisdom into life, especially when you wrote, “To realistically think about being a coach, we also need to talk about the Sauls we may come across.” My first thought was it is possible I may not be totally ready for a coach. How do I know I will be completely open and ready to receive whatever he/she has to share. Therefore, I must prepare my heart, emotions, and mind to be ready for my coach! Thank you Jennifer for sharing this insight! You are da woman!
What a great thought! If only everyone approached coaching with such personal accountability! What you are outlining is the best way to guarantee successful coaching. Thanks for bringing it home!