We Are The Aptissimi Who Love, Right?
“I’ve got some good news and some not so good news.” This is way my director approached me as a young manager many years ago. “I’m going to increase your staff,” she said. “You get an additional person to help with the workload.” That seemed like good news, so what could be bad. “The staff person who will be joining you is Sally (not her real name).” Well crap. The one person no one wanted on their team. The complainer. How was I going to make THIS work? I knew the only way I could do it was to talk to the best manager I knew and ask her advice.
Looking back almost 20 years, I suspect the Queen of Managers had read Heroic Leadership by Chris Lowney, or at least had learned the Jesuit principles of leadership. She told me that every person has a leader within and that great leaders “love” that leadership into fruition. She encouraged me to become Sally’s greatest cheerleader, defender, and ally, but to shoot straight with her in private about anything that might be getting in the way of her success. I took the Queen’s advice to heart and, to this day, I have never loved an employee like I loved Sally. She worked hard, she had my back, and she was constantly thinking of new ways to do business better. When she retired, I cried as if my favorite auntie was leaving town for good. What I learned from that time with Sally is that loving is the best way to lead. If I live out of a place of genuine love, the leaders I am responsible for training can trust me to equip them and let them do their work. I screwed it up all the time, but my failures were met with love and compassion if I lived those qualities first.
I had lost sight of so much of this before reading Heroic Leadership. Lowney reminded me that the four essential pillars of the Jesuits – self-awareness, ingenuity, love, and heroism (9, 294) – are more than a method or a system, they are a way of life for those of us who choose to be world-changers and to equip other world-changers. I realized that I need to go back to the basics of self-reflection and awareness. “What do I care about? What do I want? How do I fit into the world” (19)? These are questions that need clear, concise answers. I need to write the answers on my wall and refer back daily for course correction. My self-reflection has been hit and miss for quite some time so it is crucial for me to get back into the daily habit of examen, touching base with what I know to be my goals and sizing up my response to opportunities.
Honestly, reading through the personal strengths (110) and the aspects of self-awareness essential for personal ingenuity (166) left me feeling discouraged and disheartened. I do not have the indifference needed to go all in. I do not reflect on my own weaknesses and habits that block progress. Most of all, I do not appreciate myself as loved and important. Just writing that sounds so lame, but how can I promote other voices if I don’t value my own? How can I reassure others that they are deeply loved if I can’t act like I believe that I myself am also deeply loved? Ugh. This stuff is so messy. This must be why there are so many “7 Steps” books that promise to make me a good leader if I just work hard enough. No one really wants to hear that the first step is “appreciate yourself as loved and important.”
So, step one is this (at least for me): I am printing out the “steps” Lowney gives in his conclusion under “How Do You Grasp Your Own Leadership Role” (294) and putting them over my desk to use as part of my daily examen. If you know me, I am giving you full permission to ask me how I am doing on these, and if I am following the habit of examen. Here are the steps, in first person:
- I appreciate my own dignity and rich potential.
- I recognize weaknesses and attachments that block that potential.
- I articulate the values I stand for.
- I establish personal goals.
- I form a point of view on the world – where I stand, what I want, and how I will relate to others.
- I see the wisdom and value in examen and commit to it – the daily, self-reflective habit of refocusing on priorities and extracting lessons from success and failures.
I need to remember that I am, along with my fellow students, one of the aptissimi – the very best. We are those who are excited by “working in an environment where people understand that everyone is a leader and everyone leads all the time (287).” We are also, as Lowney states, still human and know that this work is hard and we will fall short (290-291). I want to get back to remembering that love-driven leadership is true leadership. I would rather join my colleagues in tapping into human potential in order to shape a future based on love, than to fear the rising tide of change or get caught having done nothing to turn the world towards the perfected Reign of Christ.
About the Author
Kristin Hamilton
17 responses to “We Are The Aptissimi Who Love, Right?”
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Great Sally story! We all have a Sally in our lives that teaches us about ourselves and often surprise us with the outcome. I just love the daily ritual you’re doing to grow in your leadership and I really appreciated your authenticity in your writing. That first one is the most challenging for me. To realize my dignity and potential, not according to my achievements but according to the servant leadership values and the economy of Christ. I find myself so more refreshed and free when I can see me how He sees me. Just wish I could keep that in regular focus.
Me too, Jennifer. I tend to base my dignity and potential on my abilities and accomplishments rather than on my humanity. The flipside of that, though, is the tendency to do the same for others. Rather than appreciating their dignity and worth as humans, I wonder what they DO, what they’ve accomplished. If I recognize my own worth as a human, I am more likely to recognize that in the others I meet.
I also appreciated the Sally story, which gave flesh and bones to the whole principle of loving leadership. Love is such a powerful motivator, much more than fear or manipulation or power. I really like your focus on this vital aspect of the book and leadership and concur with your struggles to love yourself and know yourself deeply loved, before turning this love on others – just like Jesus!
Thanks, Geoff. One of the reasons I loved this book is that it forced me to think back on the times I chose to lead with love. I was a successful manager and I sometimes slip into the illusion that it was because of some great talent I had when it was really that I loved and valued the people I worked with and I wasn’t afraid of change or taking risks. The times I failed miserably were those times I forgot to love and gave in to fear.
My wife has a story similar to yours with “Sally.” When she was a third grade teacher, she had a class that was terrible. They do not listen, they constantly interrupted each other, and one boy kept sexually acting out.
On top of this, third grade is the year that kids SHOULD take a bath every day… but they didn’t. She room smelled pretty bad by the end of the day.
She was distraught. A wise Christian lady encouraged her to come to class early each day and pray for every student by name at their desk.
Fast forward.
At the end of the year, this class was my wife’s FAVORITE CLASS OF ALL TIME.
As she began to LOVE these students, she was able to LEAD these students.
I admire anyone who can teach 3rd grade (well, really any grade lower than 10th)!
It seems so simplistic, but choosing to love and refusing to live in fear makes all the difference – in the church, in teaching, and in business. It doesn’t guarantee that we will always succeed, or the the end result will be perfect, but it definitely helps us become better leaders.
Oh Kristen, you brought back a memory of being assigned people who were the Judas of the group. At least as a first impression. I had one and she would twist what I said and challenge me. I would pray two weeks in advance before I would call her into my office for a conference. This prayer was to ensure I didn’t say inappropriate things.
I called her in for a come to Jesus meeting to ask what was going on with her – she expressed disappoint of my good relationship with certain people in our circle because she wanted to be my friend also. (Not) She was also sad because she did not have the type of relationship with her children as I had with my children.
Jealousy is a trait that leaders can often face. I shared how my relationships developed with those friends and my children. She understood but still acted out. Some people you just have to keep praying through.
That’s such a good point, Lynda. Choosing to love may not change the other person. I wonder what the people who were watching you during that time would say, though. Were they impacted by the way you handled the situation? That’s the kind of leader I want to be, so I bet they were. 🙂
I think it is interesting that he first noted that we need to appreciate our dignity and rich potential and then identify our weaknesses. It can be so easy for some of us to go straight to recognizing our weaknesses and get stuck on how we daily hinder our potential. This focus on weaknesses prevents us from realizing how much we have grown and who we were purposed to become. Using our dignity and potential as the first step puts our next step in perspective. It was a great reminder reading this book that we should not only acknowledge our dignity and potential but also appreciate it! 🙂
So true, Christal! That’s one reason I really appreciated this book. It reminded me that the examen is a realistic look and self-awareness includes realizing my dignity and potential BEFORE hammering myself with the weaknesses that get in the way. I meditated on that for a bit and pictured this huge pool of valuable potential that never goes away. The things that get in the way can be moved and changed but the potential is always there.
Amen, sister, amen! Lowney summed up our future tasks as leaders. We focus “on the possible, the future. Love-driven leaders seek out and honor the potential in self and others. Heroic leaders seek to shape the future rather than passively endure whatever unfolds. And ingenuity-driven leaders uncover way to turn human potential into achievement and a vision of the future into a reality.” (p. 295) You certainly did this with Sally and God blessed you both!
“Heroic leaders seek to shape the future rather than passively endure whatever unfolds.” – Mary Walker
I just captured that statement and put it on my quote board, Mary! Those are words to live by. Thank you!
Kristin, these two sentences perfectly sum up all of the leadership material that has ever been written or will be written.
“Ugh. This stuff is so messy.”
Those sentences are as printable as Lowney’s steps and just as memorable. For some reason, we strive to make it all clean and orderly and it’s just not the way it is. It’s messy! But that’s when God is able to do the best work. Great post!
Yes Jim! Messy seems to be where God gets the chance to “show off.” I get suspicious when everything seems too tidy in a church ministry team or any group of people, really. Real life IS messy.
Permission to remind you that you’re loved? Looking forward to that!
Couple of other thoughts:
“I recognize weaknesses and attachments that block that potential.” On a certain level, I struggled with the Jesuits– single, celibate men– as our role models. The reality of my (our) life is that we DO have attachments, we cannot easily pack our second pair of pants and be off into the unknown in 48 hours. And I’m convinced that’s not a bad thing. A model of rooting and covenanting and sticking with others whom we’re attached to is faithfulness.
aptissimi– I wasn’t joking on FB about us Sevens as a team of dearly loved students, spread as a diaspora, with one foot lifted, focused on a common goal, a common purpose. Trusted and trusting one another. Loyal and mutually supporting. We’ve got you, sister!
You raise a good point, Katy. We can’t leave everything behind the way the Jesuits often did. I guess I took it more as an attitude of attachment. Am I too tied to my “stuff” to give it away and live more simply? Am I too tied to the idea that my children need me to trust that God is present for them the exact way that God is present for me? Am I too tied to my love of Portland, or my husband’s full-time job (security) to entertain a call to move elsewhere? Is my heart ready to move heroically when called?
That being said, I also love the idea of covenantal commitment. I struggled with this when I moved away from my family because we all lived within a short distance of each other and we were rooted together. When I realized that we needed to move away, I had to process this with my spiritual director. She helped me see that covenant is not always proximal. I think our cohort is a beautiful example of that. In just a few short weeks we have become that group of aptissimi who are, as you say, loyal and mutually supporting even though we are spread around the world. I’m glad to be a part of this community.
I see it as a balance, or tension. The balance to root, commit, fully engage in place/people– while at the same time being called, wanderers, foot-lifters. This has been my life, and that tension something I regularly wrestle with. I hear the siren call coming from both Wendell Berry (rooted) and Abraham/Jacob (called out). What binds me in coming/going is that diaspora of Holy Spirit-filled community. I’m glad you’re a part of it, too.