Vulnerability to Lead Well
Leadership is often defined by strength, empowerment, control, and authority. Have we wondered what leadership might look like through the lens of authenticity and vulnerability? Hello. My name is Judith, and I want a world where leadership strength is about vulnerability, transparency, self-awareness, openness, and emotional intelligence. These are wonderful tools for building trust among our colleagues, having deeper connections with our teams, and, in turn, creating healthier collaboration. In this landscape, we see leaders grow in emotional intelligence, where we offer our true selves! Walker says, “Leadership is about who you are, not what you know or what skills you have. Leadership is about trust, and it is about power.”[1]
Walker argues that to lead well, leaders must first know and embrace who they are. I was a 20-year-old executive secretary at a booming hardwood flooring company. I was a good fit for the company because I was organized and had strong interpersonal skills. I was one of two women in the company, surrounded by some savvy businessmen. Mr. Wells was the company’s President, and I was his assistant. He built the company and was a high-profile leader among all the businessmen in the front office and the many frontline crews. All these strong leaders intimidated me, and I wondered if I had added any value to the company until Mr. Wells encouraged me to use my superpower strengths. He encouraged me to build trust among our staff, international buyers, vendors, and customers. He saw the importance for our company to be known as a friendly and trustworthy company. Walker highlights that leaders become undefended when they feel safe.[2] I now felt safe because Mr. Wells entrusted who I was to lead part of the company culture.
As you can imagine, this business was quite a testosterone-filled landscape, but now, there was a part of the business that allowed for authenticity. I was a young 20-year-old just starting out, and I was so afraid to let my guard down that I felt I needed not to be my true self and be as tough as all the men there. Mr. Wells was the first boss who encouraged me to be my true self and made me understand the value I brought through the genuine ways I connected with everyone. I became more self-aware and chose to lean in and grow in confidence with this gift I had.
“To understand the root of our undefendedness, we must first understand the architecture of our ego… the ego is formed throughout childhood. Ultimately, it is that that we are defending.”[3] I grew up in an Indonesian family. Our Asian culture was a strong honour culture, where we respected our parents, elders and those in authority. At a young age, I was trained by my parents always to honour other people. I quickly learned to serve others and be watchful as to how I could help someone in need, and these are some of the experiences I had that shaped my leadership behaviour. Character was incredibly important to my parents, and I was raised this way. These values stayed with me growing up, and I know my identity slowly came out in my leadership. Now that I’m older, I have greater confidence to lead through who I am.
Walker talks about the importance of Emotional Intelligence in leadership. Until 10 years ago, I felt my emotional intelligence was weak and did not add value to an organization. I’ve always felt out of place, yet at the same time, I had such a passion for sharing this sacredness with others to provide welcome, hospitality, and encouragement of their true self in this world. I’ve always felt insecure; I’ve been devalued because the conventional approach to leadership focuses more on the outcomes rather than the practices of fostering stronger connections with teams, creating more effective and cohesive environments to become more authentic and inspiring in the ministry world.
It takes great courage to lead in the way Simon talks about. It takes absolute intentionality to pave the way for this type of leadership. From researching Simon Walker, we see he is an ordained clergyman and an expert in leadership development. He sees how maintaining a façade is hindering authentic leadership. By understanding our childhood and history, we can overcome being defensive to lead more genuinely. His background in leadership training and passion for fostering authentic leadership likely inspired him to write this book. I think it’s a great book to help leaders understand defences and all the ways we can embrace our true selves.
I want to thank Mr. Wells, who knew to raise my profile to build a more effective organization through me. I want to thank my father, who taught me to lead well by helping me to listen to others, listen well to myself and become more emotionally intelligent. I want to thank Dr. Magnus and my husband, Colin, for allowing me to lead in spaces where emotional intelligence needed to be seen as profoundly important. Lastly, I’d like to thank all those courageous leaders who allow people like me to lead in collaboration without intimidation but see this as an asset to the greater team and organizations we love and believe in. In the introduction, Simon Walker says, “We submit to it (leadership of hypocrisy and deceit) because we have come to believe in the imaginary rules. We convince ourselves that it must be right, that our senses deceive us; that there must be some hidden danger in the obviously better way. We accept the rules of the group, and we fear being exposed as the foolish, idealistic, mistaken person who stepped out from the crowd.[4] Let’s take the time to pause and think about the richness of our identity, values, and emotions influence leadership
[1] Simon P. Walker, The Undefended Leader, (Carlisle, UK: Piquant Editions, Ltd., 2010), 6.
[2] Simon P. Walker, The Undefended Leader, (Carlisle, UK: Piquant Editions, Ltd., 2010), 33.
[3] Simon P. Walker, The Undefended Leader, (Carlisle, UK: Piquant Editions, Ltd., 2010), 53.
[4] Simon P. Walker, The Undefended Leader, (Carlisle, UK: Piquant Editions, Ltd., 2010), preface.
About the Author
Judith McCartney
7 responses to “Vulnerability to Lead Well”
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Hey Judith,
In your post, you mention growing up in an Indonesian family and how that impacted your identity and ego. I’m curious what you think of Friedman’s comments from A Failure of Nerve on culture. Rather than culture being the determining element of a family’s emotional processes, he says that it is “the medium through which a family’s own unique multi-generational emotional process worked its art.”
Do you agree? Disagree? And why?
Hi Joff, I had to dig deep to remember that part of Friedman’s writings! Thanks for your question.
I agree with that quote. What a great question. I took that quote for granted during my readings but in this forum it has been dig that a bit deeper.
The medium of my family environment helped me to form, experience and express my emotions and how I would engage in relationships. I feel every family has its own unique processes and patterns. My family has a unique way of handling conflict, how we love each other, how we deal with anxiety, etc… but I do think culture influences how these are expressed. My father and mother absolutely communicated some emotions much differently than I do as we both were raised in very different cultures.
My daughter shared a little bit about a book she read in her Master’s work, “The Body Keeps the Score,” that book also discusses some of the generational patterns neurologically.
What a wonderful gift to be lead by an empowering boss in your early years. This and your upbringing set you on the trajectory of using your gifting as the way you lead.
I resonate with your thoughts on emotional intelligence being an intricate part of effective leading. Cohesiveness of a team and knowing how to communicate effectively have become more prevalent in leadership. I agree, often leadership focuses on the outcomes instead of the strengths of the people. I hope to see leadership become more about authenticity, awareness of others and vulnerability, and less about a perfect “facade” to fit ourselves into.
I wonder, is an organization successful if its employees are collaborative and supportive regardless of the outcomes? Will outcomes reflect the cohesiveness and emotional awareness of the team? What do you think?
What a wonderful question, Jess. Thank you for your affirmations as well. I think in a healthy organization, we need both. We need both EQ and IQ in a healthy organization. That means we can measure success in both the successful organizational processes and programs as well as the EQ awareness of self and others, the importance of good communication, leaning into conflict, active listening to others, collaboration, etc. I don’t think it is an either-or; I have experienced the polarities of both, and I strongly suggest having a landscape where both outcomes and self-awareness have been a healthy DNA.
Judith,
Thanks for sharing this story about your initial job. My first inclination is that individuals would benefit from having a leader like Mr. Wells early in their careers. He sounded as if he was encouraging and willing to give you the rope to freely interact with other parts of the organization and learn. That is trust and shows a willingness to care about developing all team members regardless of experience.
I grew up in a hard-working culture in our family. As the son of a school teacher, athletic coach, and a commercial fisherman, it was about work and a bit more work. It could have come from the classroom, on the gym floor, or floating on the water catching fish. While that had its benefits, lasting challenges came to mind as I read through Walker’s book.
What would you tell Mr. Wells about your experience in that first job now that you have focused more on personal and professional development in recent years? What would you have considered him modifying in his approach after these many years? His approach comes across as what Camacho describes in Mining for Gold. He saw something much more significant than you had initially contemplated in this role and was willing to lean in and invest.
Hi Michael, your reply is quite thought-provoking, thank you. I would thank Mr. Wells for being aware of my sweet spot and how it added value. I’d tell him how that built profound confidence in a young 20-year-old and how that built greater self-awareness and had given me more resources to lead others well. There would not be much I’d ask him to modify except for one thing: I’d have loved it if he had given me more sales experience. I’d have been a good salesperson. He saw my strong, raw skills and was smart in letting me go with it. I have loved him developing some of the skillset I was not as confident in!
Judith,
The personal story of your early experiences with leadership, particularly your time working with Mr. Wells, is both inspiring and relatable. You effectively illustrated how a leader’s encouragement can unlock a person’s strengths and authenticity. Your acknowledgment of the importance of emotional intelligence in leadership shows your deep reflection on both personal and professional growth. I feel you also do an excellent job of connecting Simon Walker’s insights on leadership with your own journey, especially the emphasis on vulnerability and trust in leadership. Great job my friend.