Unstuck
Leadership over the past few years has been in the spotlight from leaders in the home, public office, churches and schools (to name a few) because of our unique challenges in an ever-changing landscape. One thing is for sure there will always be challenges in leadership. In fact, Kouzes and Posner in their book “The Leadership Challenge” say that “The opportunities for leadership are available to all of us every day. Yet today’stoday’s challenges seem so daunting. They make us wonder: ”Are we up to the task?[1]’”
I can only ask that question from where I sit as an executive pastor of an organization that is growing but not without growing pains. I have been able to help lead our organization through a tough few years, starting back in 2020 (as many leaders had to). When I look back, I used to think those years would be the most challenging years of leadership I would ever have to face, and I couldn’tcouldn’t wait for things to get back to “”normal .” ” That idea of normal never came, and that dream of returning to pre COVID leadership responsibilities has faded. We are in our normal and if this is our normal, what is it about leadership today that seems so hard? I know leadership. I read about it constantly, am certified in it, read all the blogs, listen to all the podcasts, go to all the conferences, and even my undergraduate degree is in leadership, yet I’ve been stuck.
Friedman’sFriedman’s work has helped me to start the process of getting unstuck. His book “A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix,” presents a fresh understanding of leadership that hinges on the idea of leadership being an emotional process. In his view every family and institution has an implicit emotional/relational environment and a way of operating within that environment. He presents us with this idea that good leadership has less to do with external items such as skill, data, technique, or knowledge and more to do with internal, the leader’sleader’s ability to discern and navigate the emotional and relational climate of a family or organization.
He identifies three emotional barriers that affect genuine leadership in our own day:
- Belief that data is more important to leadership than the capacity to be decisive (The fallacy of expertise).
- Belief that empathy for others will make them more responsible (The fallacy of empathy).
- Belief that selfishness is a greater danger to a community than the loss of integrity that comes from having no self (The fallacies of self).
While reading this book it helped me identify what I lost during COVID and why leadership has been so hard for me these past few years. I lost my integrity. Now, not integrity in the sense of morality but integrity in the sense that Friedman speaks of “”integrity in the sense of wholeness…[2]“” I have been pulled in so many directions since 2020 both internally and externally that I am not leading from a place of self or wholeness. A place that prior to 2020 was no problem for me to do but something happened these last few years that I am just now starting to understand. But to put it shortly, I lost myself while trying to keep everyone and everything else afloat. My ability to be differentiated. Friedman defines differentiation as “the lifelong process of striving to keep one’s being in balance through the reciprocal external and internal processes of self-definition and self-regulation.[3]” He goes on to say that differentiation can be difficult to focus on objectively “for differentiation means the capacity to become oneself out of one’s self, with minimum reactivity to the positions or reactivity of others.[4]”
Becoming a self differentiated leader is going to take time to master, but it is probably one of the most important “skills” for me to hone and develop and find myself again along the process.
[1] Posner, Barry Z., and James M. Kouzes. Essay. In The Leadership Challenge, 18. San Francisco, CA: John Wiley & Sons, 2007.
[2] Friedman, Edwin H., Margaret M. Treadwell, and Edward W. Beal. Essay. In A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix, 166. New York: Church Publishing, 2017.
[3] Ibid 194
[4] Ibid 194
10 responses to “Unstuck”
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Daron,
I appreciate your post and friendship. I think many of us can relate to leadership in this time of Covid. At times, I hear myself say “how do we come out of Covid well?” I think there is apart of me that is still awaiting for an official announcement that the Covid era is over and inflation and the population can be normal again.
I area with you that leadership change takes time. Often the leaders heart has to change, before the people they shepherd or lead can embrace change. Appreciate you. Well done!
Greg,
Thank you! One thing for sure is that my heart needed to change because I noticed that my leading was being affected to my detriment. Reading Friedman helped me put words to what it was and I’m thankful for it.
Deron,
Thank you for your vulnerable and open blog.
I’m considering this quote:
” I have been pulled in so many directions since 2020 both internally and externally that I am not leading from a place of self or wholeness.”
Has the “being pulled in so many directions” lessened for you? If so,
I am curious how you are finding ways to lead out of wholeness and a place of self?
I am praying that God is making ways for you to know joy and peace in your areas of leadership! I loved seeing your sweet daughter during our syntopical zoom call the other day. 🙂
Hi Kristy,
Unfortunately the pulling in many directions has not lessened but what has change is my response to the pulling. During COVID I got out of the practice of saying no because I wanted to make sure everything that was under my control (and some that were not) were taken care of. I was operating in a crisis mode, when in crisis (no matter the crisis) I want the control. I operate well in crisis but we have moved from crisis mode but my response did not move with it. Once I realize that my response to the pulling has changed. Hope that makes sense 🙂
Daron,
I so appreciate your post! Thank you for sharing about your personal context and leadership struggle. I resonate with you on having lost some of my wholeness and sense of self over the last few years. What are the ways you are thinking of now that will help you restore that wholeness?
Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and insights. It is so helpful to be learning alongside each other.
Daron,
I appreciate your candidness in your post – your transparency about your ministry and the loss during the Covid years. They were a difficult time for all of us I think. Praying for you now as you feel pulled in so many different directions for the Lord’s guiding.
Thanks for your honesty Daron. We share a similar role and I look forward to talking to you more about it. My ministry hasn’t started yet but my role in our church did almost four years ago. I am constantly trying to make everyone happy and satisfied in this post-covid world and it’s exhausting at times. Have you thought about the next step or pictured what your role or world looks like in three to five years? Is it differentiated? Thanks again.
Daron – I appreciated your transparent reflection on how your leadership shifted during the time of COVID. Of the three barriers you listed from Friedman’s writing, which is the most difficult for you to avoid these days?
Thanks for your honesty in the post. What practices are you finding helpful to lead you to a place of differeintiation?
Daron, thank you for your honesty and candor. I can totally relate to wanting to do everything and be in control of everything. I have often felt that if I do not do it, it will not get done correctly (as in the way I would do it). One of the best steps I took toward lessening my need to do everything was to take a pause and discuss things with my husband before saying “yes” to something new. What are some steps you can take to be a self-differentiated leader?