Turn Back Wicked Marriage
We must struggle toward choosing one plan over another, not because it is the right one,
but because it is the best one we can come up with
-Joseph Bentley and Michael Toth-
Cases of domestic violence in our country have shown an increasing number in recent years. In 2023 data, around 18,138 women were recorded as victims.[1] That is why the divorce rate in Indonesia has increased significantly in recent years. This is not only a deep and complex social phenomenon, but also a challenge and problem that Christianity and the church must answer. This worrying trend encourages us not to ignore it because of the large number of problems, it also includes many Christian couples and families.
My NPO tries to answer problems related to the need for marriage enrichment for husbands and wives in our local church, which we hope can also be used outside our local church community. In the process of building the NPO, I tried to understand the root causes of problems, to find effective solutions. In this context, the concept of metawork and the meta approach can be a valuable guide for addressing complex problems such as divorce. Bentley and Toth write in their book, “Going meta means getting better at thinking, talking, and reasoning, and at almost any other activity: making decisions, persuading others, leading a meeting, praising colleagues, disciplining children, giving feedback, composing an essay, or writing a report. And that especially includes solving problems.”[2] Bentley and Toth helped me to position myself as a pastor who has a calling on marital relations issues to be able to look at these issues using a broader and deeper perspective.
Addressing the issue of increasing cases of violence in marriage and divorce cases cannot be considered as an individual problem alone, but rather as the impact of ongoing and interrelated social, economic, and cultural conditions. In my NPO, the situation of a prolonged absence of comprehensive, enriching, and strengthening marriage guidance is said to be the main cause of the emergence of problems in Christian marriages. That is why the prolonged chaos in marital relations that plagues Christian husbands and wives is an impact that arises from a prolonged lack of treatment. Bentley and Toth describe that situation as wicked problems, a mess “ongoing, interrelated, dynamic, fuzzy, complicated, confusing, complex, chaotic situations.”[3] A marriage relationship that begins in goodness and is full of blessings can turn into a “hell on earth” that seems never-ending.
Facing this challenges, the metawork concept offers a way to initiate change from within us. Metawork begins with introspection, examining how we see, think, and act. The first step in addressing the increase in divorce is realizing that change is not only needed at the structural or system level, but also at the individual level. According to Bentley and Toth, “Metawork begins by whatever we are doing, examining how we are doing it, and then making changes so that things start to work better.”[4] Doing metawork in the context of marriage in facing the challenges of violence and divorce means more than just highlighting facts or figures. This includes exploring the underlying causes, both personal and social. In this context, metawork can direct us to become better at thinking, speaking and acting, especially in dealing with complex problems such as divorce. My NPO research shows the need for guidance, strengthening, and enriching marriages is an important need that husbands and wives in our local church need to maintain their marriages. It is important for me as a pastor to pay attention to the needs of the members of the congregation I serve. Jules Glanzer in his book, The Sound of Leadership writes, “Carefully observe the various aspects of the situation and attempt to see the situation the way God sees it. Observing the who, what, when, where, and why of a situation provides the leader with a healthy view of the perceived reality.”[5] This means, a pastor or leader needs to always be attached to God to be able to understand the problems that occur and accompany the members of the congregation to resolve their struggles.
Otherwise, Bentley and Toth also give a sign of warning regarding wicked problems. “Wicked problems refuse to cooperate. They are messy, ill-defined, open to many competing interpretations, more complex than we understand, and lacking correct answers.”[6] I acknowledge that this can certainly dampen hope and enthusiasm. Moreover, Bentley and Toth have emphasized from the early part of their book, “Wicked problems can never be truly solved.”[7] However, we as God’s servants need to have the attitude of doing our duties as well as possible and responsibly, the rest is God’s authority. Peter Northouse reminds me how to deal with wicked problems. He writes, “Leaders direct their energies toward individuals who are trying to achieve something together. By common, we mean that the leaders and followers have a mutual purpose.”[8] For this reason, I continue to set my heart and mind to be optimistic. As Bentley and Toth insist, “Our challenge is twofold: to make changes in ourselves while at the same time we are making changes in the world.”[9] Let’s turn back wicked marriage!
[1]https://www.kompas.com/tren/read/2023/06/27/111440465/tingginya-kasus-kdrt-di-indonesia?page=all. Accessed February 14, 2024.
[2] Joseph Bentley and Michael Toth, Exploring Wicked Problem: What They are and Why They are Important (Bloomington, IN: Archway Publishing, 2020), 41.
[3] Ibid, 63.
[4] Ibid, 48.
[5] Jules Glanzer, The Sound of Leadership: Kingdom Notes to Fine Tune Your Life and Influence (Plano, TX: Invite Press, 2023), Scribd Version, page 39 of 230.
[6] Bentley and Toth, 53.
[7] Ibid, 2.
[8] Peter G. Northouse, Leadership: Theory and Practice, Ninth Edition (Thousand Oaks, CA: SAGE Publications, 2022), 6.
[9] Bentley and Toth, Exploring, 223.
About the Author
Dinka Utomo
Dinka Nehemia Utomo is an ordained pastor of the Protestant Church in the Western part of Indonesia (Gereja Protestan di Indonesia bagian Barat or GPIB). He has served for more than 15 years. The first five years of his ministry were in the remote area of East Kalimantan, including people from the indigenous Dayak tribe in the small villages in the middle of the forest, frequently reached using small boats down the river. For more than 15 years, Dinka has served several GPIB congregations in several cities in Indonesia. He has always had a passion for equipping Christian families, teaching and guiding them to build equal relations between husband and wife, maintaining commitment, love, and loyalty, creating a healthy and constructive Christian family atmosphere, and rejecting all forms of violence and sexual violence. Dinka's beloved wife, Verra, is also a GPIB pastor. They have two blessed children. Dinka and his wife and children love to spend quality family time, such as lunch or dinner, and vacation to exotic places.11 responses to “Turn Back Wicked Marriage”
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Dinka…God’s wisdom, creativity and empowerment as you seek to address this critical issue! When looking at divorce from a meta-level here in my context, it can seem over-whelming. Beyond the personal challenges of two sinful people learning to give their lives away in love to one another, there are societal trends of individualism, asserting our rights, economic factors, “finding (or re-discovering) ourselves”, finding a soulmate, and within the church in North America a competing visions for a flourishing Christian marriage–all these things and more contribute to marriage breakdowns in my context. What sort of external factors are resident in your context?
Hi Scott! Thanks for your comment.
The external factors you mention also appear in our context here. However, the biggest influence is also cultural factors, specifically the patriarchal culture that is the culture of our society. Patriarchal culture places men above women and makes many men tend to disrespect women. This cultural factor often places women as victims and scapegoats for family problems. Women or wives are not only victims of their husband’s treatment but also victims of a patriarchal cultural system which often makes them “targets of fire” who are blamed for family problems.
Hi Dinka,
Thanks for bringing in marriage. Surely not a wicked problem, but sometimes a problem with no solution?
Perhaps better said, a “work in progress.”
I truly enjoyed you bringing your NPO to the fore.
Shalom.
Hi Russel. Thanks for your comment.
Literally, it may not include wicked problems as you stated. However, our context here shows how patriarchal culture causes the emergence of understanding and practice of subordination between men as husbands and women as wives. The number of marital violence increases from year to year, where the victims are mostly women and children. Women or wives are often victims of violence because they experience violence in marriage, but patriarchal culture causes our society here to mostly place women as the cause of the problem itself.
Your insights from outside a US perspective a so good to hear. Your mention of the patriarchal mindset, reminds me of how we really have kept “equality” from emerging for women in MOST countries.
Sigh…a wicked problem.
Shalom…
Dinka, you ended your post with such a hopeful perspective. I can get overwhelmed by wicked problems, marriage/divorce, being one of them, but you name the hope we have, saying, “We as God’s servants need to have the attitude of doing our duties as well as possible and responsibly, the rest is God’s authority.” We do what we can and trust that God will lift up others to address other parts of a wicked problem.
You begin your post with some statistics, writing, “Cases of domestic violence in our country have shown an increasing number in recent years. In 2023 data, around 18,138 women were recorded as victims.[1] That is why the divorce rate in Indonesia has increased significantly in recent years.” As you continue to study and live this reality in you ministry, do you find that true reconciliation is possible in the cases of domestic abuse? Do abusers stop abusing? I’m just wondering about the safety of those that are getting abused and if it is safe for them to try to reconcile. What have you found? What are your thoughts on this?
Hi Kally! Brilliant questions!
In some cases, reconciliation occurs and the perpetrator no longer repeats his actions. However, quite a few cases of violence have increased to the point of divorce, or victims suffering physical and psychological suffering and even death. Patriarchal culture is still very strong in our context. This culture also influenced Christianity here. Men/husbands have a higher position than women/wives. This results in irresponsible men being able to do as they please with their wives and children. Not only that, patriarchal culture also makes women/wives the ones who are blamed and receive a kind of social sanction from the wider community when there are problems in marriage because they are seen as women or wives who disobey their husbands.
Thank you for sharing your work in enriching marriages in your country. You mentioned that you how important it is for you, as a pastor, to pay attention to the needs of the members of the congregation you serve. As you discover specific underlying causes, how do you hope to address those through your NPO?
Hi Cathy! Thanks for your comment and question.
In my opinion, one of the main causes is the patriarchal culture that is maintained, maintained and passed down from generation to generation. This culture also influenced Christianity here. Men/husbands have a higher position than women/wives. This results in irresponsible men being able to do as they please with their wives and children. Not only that, patriarchal culture also makes women/wives the ones who are blamed and receive a kind of social sanction from the wider community when there are problems in marriage because they are seen as women or wives who disobey their husbands.
That is why, one of my concerns in the marriage enrichment program for our church members is to dismantle the ideology of patriarchal culture and return to the Biblical concept where from the beginning God created men and women equally.
You Quoted:
“Our challenge is twofold: to make changes in ourselves while at the same time we are making changes in the world.”[9] Let’s turn back wicked marriage!
How has this doctorate and wrestling of this wicked problem of unhealthy marriages changed you?
How has the world already changed because of you and your attention to this?
Hi Janna! Thanks for your comment and question.
I am very disturbed by the patriarchal culture that still has a strong grip in our context. Patriarchy not only influences men/husbands to behave as they please towards their wives but also influences the culture of our society, including Christianity and the church. That is why I view the preservation of patriarchal culture as part of the wicked problems in our context.
I am fighting for it through my NPO regarding a marriage enrichment program which aims to dismantle patriarchal ideology and restore it to the initial concept of the Bible where God created humans, women and men as equal.