Transformational Leadership: Embracing Joy Through Weakness, Tenderness, and the Presence of God
What is the job of a leader?
“To guide people through the unknown to something better than they can imagine,” says Yaseen Dadabhay, therapist and coach. [1]
Another way to say that is that the job of leadership is to put on an attitude of constant transformation. (My definition: attitude is what you think and how you think it.)
Yaseen adds, “Your life is always in beta. You are iterating all the time.” [2]
A leader would then ask, “What creates true transformation? How can people be invited to take on uncertainty without fear?”
Fortunately, in their book, Joy Starts Here; The Transformation Zone, Jim Wilder, et al, have an answer: joy.
First, what is joy? “Joy is a relational experience in which someone is glad to be with me.” [3]
Imagine someone’s eyes lighting up when you enter the room. Or young children jumping up and down when their parent or another favorite person walks into the room. That’s joy!
Wilder writes, “Joy is relational. Joy is contagious. Joy is transforming. Joy start with a smile. Joy helps our brain grow better than any health food. Joy reduces stress. Joy has more social impact than looking sexy. Joy improves our immune system more than exercise. Joy protects marriages. Joy raises brighter, more resilient children. Joy improves resilience after disasters. Joy spreads to transform lives.” [4]
Wilder points out that “God promises joy more often than He promises eternal life! Jesus lists joy as the reason for His teaching in John 17:13, ‘I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them’ (NIV).” [5]
Because joy is a high-energy state for the brain, it builds brain strength. It becomes easier to bounce back with resilience after a tough time. It is easier to withstand suffering. We don’t view problems as win-or-lose. We don’t view other people as “enemies” but as beloved children of God. We become creative and can face uncertainty with assurance. We move our bodies in response to the joy we feel within: dancing, running, jumping, stomping our feet to the music, clapping our hands, and laughing together.
Wilder and the other authors focus on the places where joy is most easily shared: home, school, and church. Yes, they agree that there is a great need for joy in the workplace, but they have also found that joy needs multiple generations to be transferred most effectively. So they have chosen the largest workplace environment in the US: education.
The t-Zone
What else does joy need for transference and sustainable transformation?
- The weak and strong are together and interacting.
- Tender responses to weakness are the rule.
- The interactive presence of God (Immanuel) maintains shalom. [6]
Starting with the third element of the t-Zone (Transformation Zone), it is clear that experiencing God’s active presence in our lives makes it possible to leave our comfort zones. We recognize that we are not alone, so we can step into uncertainty more confidently. We can admit our problems and fears to God who is gently present with us in our weakness, and we know that we are deeply loved. We can be securely attached to God, even in our weakness, which helps us develop spiritual and emotional maturity.
Strong and Weak
It is important to understand weakness within the context of leadership. Younger generations are weak in many ways. All of us are weak at times. It is critical to express tenderness toward weakness, in ourselves and in others.
The strong and the weak must interact otherwise the strong do not change and the weak do not maintain any gains they have made in joy.
When we are in “herds” (or communities) with others, there are three possible positions [7]:
- Protectors: Typically, people who grew up in high-joy homes and have learned how to treat weakness with tenderness are protectors. They do not exploit other people’s weaknesses, but protect the weak.
- Predators: We need training by gentle protectors or we can become predators. Predators discover and exploit weakness to remain dominant. They will hurt others if they feel threatened, which is a fear-based response. They do their best to hide their weaknesses and project constant strength.
- Possums: In low-joy herds, possums are the other fear and anxiety-based response. Because they’ve been hurt before, possums hide and conceal their weaknesses, and will do anything to avoid being exploited by predators and hurt again. When pounced on by predators, possums feel shame.
While some shame is helpful for learning, the kind of shame produced by being pounced on by one who is stronger creates shame that causes us to hide.
When we fear being vulnerable and hide our true selves out of shame, we can’t experience the joy of someone who is delighted to be with the real me.
In addition to shame, low-joy environments often lead to BEEPS: pseudo-joy Behaviors, Events, Experiences, People, or Substances. They are substitutes for truly joyful, life-giving connections with God and others. [8]
Joyful Leadership
Leaders have so much responsibility! As the “strong” person in a community or “herd”, we must be protectors and treat people tenderly who are weaker than we are. We must cultivate high joy in ourselves and in others around us, so predators cannot prey on possums.
In addition, protectors must be careful not to pretend we are stronger than we are. “We inflate ourselves to look as strong as possible in order to be liked. However, joy comes from someone being glad to be with the real me which might be too hidden for anyone to find. Meanwhile communities punish anyone who might bring predators their way. Communities punish anyone who shows weakness while the growing number of predators exploit every weakness they see. Joy levels drop.” [9]
When leaders neglect to use our own weaknesses as opportunities for growth, we can become ashamed of them. This can lead to self-justification in which we are “right” and everyone else is wrong.
Protectors respond to weakness and create joy in at least three ways [10] :
- They amplify every little bit of joy they find. This is high-energy joy.
- They notice when people are tired and let them rest. This is why we need to alternate high energy with peace, shalom.
- They share the distress caused by weakness. This creates a bond that makes it easier to return to joy.
What Others Say
There is a great deal more I could share from Wilder’s book, but space prohibits more. Instead, I’ll share what a few other authors have to say about some of these topics.
Andy Crouch
In his book Strong and Weak, Andy Crouch makes a case for how “Flourishing requires us to embrace both authority and vulnerability.” [11]
Crouch explains that vulnerability is when we “bear burdens and expose ourselves to risk that no one else can fully see or understand.” [12] Simultaneously, we must also “descend to the dead” in which we are willing to visit the brokenness of the world and of our own hearts.
Curt Thompson
Psychiatrist and author Curt Thompson has a whole chapter on “Joy, Shame, and the Brain” in his book, The Soul of Shame. He writes, “It is not simply joy for joy’s sake but rather that joy is the signature indication of deep, mindful, intentional connection.” [13]
Thompson goes on, “There is no domain that the creative power of joy, given the right nutrients in the soil, cannot grow in. It is to the world’s advantage that the parent, teacher, coach, pastor, police officer, emergency room nurse, middle manager, CEO, boat captain and farmer cultivate cultures of joy.” [14] In other words, wherever there is a leader, that leader must be a protector and cultivate joy in their “herd.”
Shame, however, has a shearing-off effect. When someone is “moving in a direction of creative exploration, minding our own business, when an unexpected force of nature enters and brutally throws us off course… shearing off of joyful anticipation, a blindsiding that overtakes [us] and completely catches [us] off-guard.” [15]
Thompson explains the effect on the brain which then affects our bodies (we turn in on ourselves, then lower our eyes and turn away from other people). Shame also prevents us from thinking coherently, making good choices, or regulating our right brain, from which all the emotion is pouring out. [16]
“This movement toward virtual infinite separation is our desperate attempt to deescalate the awful emotional sensation that we are enduring at the moment.” [17]
Thompson doesn’t leave us in this pit of shame. Fortunately, he gives us tools to de-isolate ourselves with one or two or three trusted people with whom we are mutually known. I don’t have space to share more here; I highly recommend this book, as well as the others referenced in this post.
But Thompson has another book, The Deepest Place; Suffering and the Formation of Hope that is also relevant. He writes, “hope is actually a word that, in the world of interpersonal neurobiology, serves as a proxy for an ever-deepening attachment love with Jesus and the commensurate awareness of God’s relationsl presence of lovingkindness.” [18] As Wilder points out, joy increases when we have a deepening sense of God’s presence with us.
That’s the critical piece, isn’t it? That Jesus does not leave us alone. Thompson reminds us that,
“no matter what our stories have been–no matter the depth of our traumas and shame, no matter how impossible it seems to imagine a life in which the suffering you’ve endured and are enduring will ever be any different–hope is waiting to be formed. We cannot form it on our own… We are forming our hope as the result of being loved by Jesus…
Jesus … is the one who is loving us into hope, remaining with us as we persevere on this long road of life, which is full of the suffering in which we come to rejoice because of the secure attachment we have to him and to his people.” [19]
Simon Walker
Simon Walker explains in his book Leading Out of Who You Are; Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership that power is an asset. The strong have power over the weak. He writes, “I had to acknowledge the uncomfortable truth that there was something in me that enjoyed this dominance and was happy to exploit it… I often tell leaders now to ‘tread lightly’ when they express an opinion–they must appreciate the extra weight it will carry simply by being theirs.” [20]
He also explains that control offers us an illusion of security, and that we must be careful about “impression management”, selectively revealing or concealing aspects of ourselves or our stories from our “audience.” [21]
Walker discusses weakness in his own way, and shares, “The idea of undefended leadership is that we are secured not by our skills and resources but by our attachment to another–one who is big enough not to be overwhelmed by our failures and weaknesses.” [22]
Bringing The Threads Together
From these and other sources I don’t have time to share, we see that effective leadership is a journey of transformation that intertwines strength, vulnerability, joy, and the embrace of our weaknesses, all underpinned by the presence of God.
As leaders we guide others through uncertainty by creating environments based on genuine, gentle connections where joy can flourish. This relational joy, as highlighted by Wilder, is essential for fostering resilience and nurturing growth within our communities.
By recognizing and tenderly responding to weakness—both in ourselves and in others—we cultivate a culture of protection and support, where everyone can feel valued and safe.
The core thread for transformational leadership is experiencing God’s active presence in our lives. Knowing we are deeply loved and never alone, we are empowered to step into the unknown with confidence, and can help others do the same.
By acknowledging our own weaknesses and transformation, we invite others in our “herd” to embrace their vulnerabilities and share in the joy of authentic relationships. Walking together in faith, we pave the way for lasting change, demonstrating that leadership is not merely about authority, but about nurturing a shared journey toward a brighter, more connected future grounded in the love, joy, and shalom of God.
1 – Yaseen Dadabhay, private class, March 13, 2024.
2 – Dadabhay.
3 – E. James Wilder, Edward M. Khouri, Chris M. Coursey, Shelia D. Sutton, Joy Starts Here; The Transformation Zone (Holland, Michigan, Life Model Works, 2021), 4-5.
4 – Wilder, 4.
5 – Wilder, 7.
6 – Wilder, 5.
7 – Wilder, 13.
8 – Wilder, 10.
9 – Wilder, 104.
10 – Wilder, 5.
11 – Andy Crouch, Strong and Weak; Embracing a Life of Loe, Risk, and True Flourishing (Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press, 2016), 11.
12 – Crouch, 25.
13 – Curt Thompson, The Soul of Shame; Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves (Downers Grove: InterVarsity Press, 2015), 61.
14 – Thompson, 62.
15 – Thompson, 65.
16 – Thompson, 67.
17 – Thompson, 67.
18 – Curt Thompson, The Deepest Place; Suffering and the Formation of Hope (Grand Rapids, Michigan: Zondervan, 2023), 5.
19 – Thompson, The Deepest Place, 203.
20 – Simon P. Walker, Leading Out of Who You Are; Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership (Carlisle, UK, 2007), 39.
21 – Walker, 26.
22 – Walker, 103.
About the Author
Debbie Owen
Deborah C. Owen is an experienced spiritual director, Neuro-based Enneagram executive and life coach, disciple maker, professional writer, senior librarian, and long-time church Music Director and lay leader. She has earned the award of National Board Certification for teaching excellence, and a podcasting award, and is pursuing a Doctor of Leadership degree through Portland Seminary at George Fox University. She lives in the backwoods of Maine with her husband and flat-coated retriever. She spends as much time as she can with their 3 grown children, daughter-in-law, and 2 small grandchildren. Find her online at InsideOutMinistries.info.10 responses to “Transformational Leadership: Embracing Joy Through Weakness, Tenderness, and the Presence of God”
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Hi Debbie, The Wilder et al book caught my attention. Thanks for the recommendation. I’m curious where you naturally find yourself in a “herd” (protector, possum, or predator) and how your personal transformation has changed your natural response.
Thank you Kari, good question. I’d like to say, “Of course I’m a protector!” but like Simon Walker acknowledges, the temptation to use power over someone else who is weaker is, at times, an intentional struggle.
I would say that my personal transformation is both ongoing, as a life-long pursuit, and eye-opening. Meaning that my eyes have been opened to the times when I must subsume myself or at least my own agenda, for the sake of someone else’s peace, well-being, and joy.
Only by the grace of God…
Debbie,
Thanks for the recommendations and thoughts. I am wondering how are you finding joy in this challenging political season we are in?
Adam, the authors have other books about joy, including “The Joy Switch.” They also have books about the 19 relational skills we can all practice and “master” (well… sort of). Such things as:
Knowing when to rest.
Godsight: seeing the other with God’s eyes.
Creating appreciation by making others feel seen and heard.
Taking delight in being with someone.
I can’t say I feel truly “joyful” right now, to be honest. I am deeply concerned and in prayer about our country throughout the day. But I know that Jesus is Lord. I remember that Jesus said,
“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:3
Hi Debbie, Thanks for the introduction to Curt Thompson and Andy Crouch. I would like to revisit them sometime. But for now, after only knowing a bit about Crouch from your blog, I am wondering if his concepts of visiting brokeness of the world and our own hearts compliments some of the concepts from the hero’s journey where where something needs to be faced and conquered, then there is a new beginning. Having only read your remarks limited by the blog, I wonder if that is a possible understanding of his point.
Diane, I love it when people connect dots! Thanks for your question.
I think there’s more to it than the hero confronting and conquering something they need to face. I’ll share Crouch’s words and let you decide:
“Without a doubt, this is the greatest paradox of flourishing: it is only found on the other side of suffering—specifically, our willingness to actively embrace suffering. The marriage of authority and vulnerability, which is our glad destiny as image bearers, is only possible if we are willing to bear vulnerability without authority.
“Our mission in the world is to help individuals and whole communities—ultimately, all humanity—move up and to the right [where flourishing is possible]. But to do so, especially to set free those who have suffered the most from idolatry, addiction, injustice and tyranny, requires us to go where no one wants to go: voluntary exposure to pain and loss.
“Why is this necessary? Because of the extraordinary grip of idols over our world.
“The idols are all the forces that whisper the promises of control, invulnerable power and independence—And then, having seduced us with those promises, and slave us to their demands and blind us with their distorted view of the world. We have been so completely conquered by idols’ lies—we are so enslaved to their domination—that we cannot truly comprehend, let alone attain, a life that is as exposed to meaningful risk as it is capable of meaningful action…
“What could truly break the power of that rebellion? [Rebellion, that is, succumbing to the forces of idolatry and power.]” (Pp. 142-144)
Crouch then leads us to the idea of death and God overcoming death. He uses the example of both Dumbledore and Harry Potter at the end of the series choosing death. Crouch writes,
“On the other side of that sacrifice he [Harry] encounters Dumbledore again [who has, indeed, died] in an otherworldly version of the train station named King’s Cross.The most beloved children’s books of our time—or perhaps anytime—are unflinching in their understanding that true happy endings are won only at the greatest cost and that no king is truly a king without a cross.” (p.148)
I think it is a great deal more than confronting a weakness or fatal flaw. It is in fact dying to ourselves completely.
Now that I think about it, Samwise Gamgee is willing to die for the sake of destroying the Ring in Tolkien. Frodo tries… but he is seduced by the Ring’s power.
It is in concert with Wilder’s idea that we must find love, peace, and joy in community that Tolkien made it impossible for one person to let go of the temptation. Hmmm… I’ll have to think on that some more.
Hi Debbie, I appreciate your post very much. Thank you for highlighting the responsibility of the leader of the ‘herd’ to cultivate joy. It is one thing to avoid slamming down an opinion (Walker) but another thing entirely to cultivate joy. In what ways do you see yourself cultivating joy in others through your personal leadership?
Julie, never in enough ways. But I do make attempts to cultivate joy in others and in our communities by remembering that all are beloved children of God. I try to see them as God sees them. I try to keep my agenda to myself and just LISTEN. That is one of the greatest gifts we can give another person. Present, compassionate listening. I’m working on it…
Debbie, I appreciate your exploration of joy and leadership and your introduction to “Joy Starts Here: The Transformation Zone.” You emphasize the importance of nurturing relationships and creating environments that promote joy. Recently, I have been reflecting on the role of vulnerability in leadership. How can leaders practically implement these ideas in high-pressure or traditional workplace settings where vulnerability might be perceived as a weakness?
Chad, that’s the struggle of all well-intentioned leaders, isn’t it? How are we authentic and vulnerable in appropriate ways, while still being able to maintain enough authority to be a leader? What’s the difference between our front stage and back stage?
I think there’s something to what Curt Thompson shares about needing to be known deeply by one or two or three people. Walker means that, I believe, by the back stage concept. No one can go around pretending all the time. We can’t. We must – MUST – have access to times and places where we can be totally transparent.
I also think there’s something about how showing that when we’re vulnerable – in certain things – we can be role models for how to grow and allow the Spirit to transform us. I’m thinking of a (non-Christian) person I know who is never ever wrong. Ever. He is brilliant and I respect him for so many things! But once in a while… maybe someone else has a valuable point too.
I have a friend whom I adore, but again, I can’t remember her ever apologizing for anything. True, most of the time she is either right, or compassionate in the way she gently corrects, but once in a while, I would love to hear, “I’m sorry. I think you’re right about that.”
So… just a few thoughts off the top of my head. Lots more to unravel here, as it will be important for my project. So thanks for asking!