To Be Present One Must Be Absent
“Failure of Nerve” a key leadership book that identifies leadership through a different lens. Friedman in his book notes that Leadership is not really about skill, technique, or knowledge that it is actually about decrement regarding the emotional and relational context. In order for a leader to understand these and to actively participate in discernment they must be present. Not simply present in their leadership role but present within their own understanding of themselves. Effective leaders radiate a presence that radiates calm in the midst of organizational chaos.
So, how does one gather this sense of presence?
They must first be absent!
As I was reading through Friedman’s book I could not help but reflect on how stuck leaders can become when they are unable to self deferiatiate. They begin to take on the crisis of the community they are supposed to be leading. This happens frequently among ministry leaders. The correlation between helping profession- or servant leaders and the loss of self differentiation seems a worthy study to explore. Friedman gives us the readers a glimpse into how leaders fall into what he calls failure of nerve.
My purpose for writing this post is to evaluate how a servant leader can maintain their nerve and essentially not lose themselves in the process of leading. As a present leader, one must become absent from the current context and find ways to lean into self differentiation.
Leaders, according to Friedman, are taught lots of skills and technique when the process of leading involves managing emotion. A leader needs to be aware of their own emotions and of those around them. Servant leaders often lead groups in a way that engages with the needs of those they are leading; it is by nature a more emotional role. Losing one’s nerve and becoming less present and more entrenched in the emotions of the organization is common.
So, if leadership is about presence, then how as leaders do we seek development that aligns with this? All of the workshops and development seminars can miss this component. There is a need for a new form of leadership development, one that focuses on the emotional maturity and personal identity of the leader. Leadership development that allows for leaders to take risks that then train their brains and bodies that it can be safe to take risks, to lead through presence, and not to lose their nerve when facing sabotage or organizational emotional crises.
As servant leaders there are often very few places that one can take safe risks. There is a need for risk taking development in an experiential environment. We are creatures of habit and as such when we are faced with situations we often address them in similar ways. So, if servant leaders are used to becoming emotionally entrenched and develop a loss of self and presence in their leadership, they can find themselves leading from this place of crisis in all areas of their life. This becomes a difficult cycle to break when the brain has learned there is no safety in risk taking.
The cycle can be broken through safe risk taking experiences. For example, a leadership development opportunity that takes leaders on a ropes course, can create a safe place for leaders to take physical risks and prove to themselves they are capable of completing a certain challenge. This creates a sense of empowerment that then can be translated into their leadership environments. Looking at how we equip and empower leaders is key to healthy leadership. Leaders need opportunities outside of their leadership context to develop healthy risk taking skills and to differentiate themselves from the emotions of the organization.
Let’s find ways to be absent so that we can be present
About the Author
Sara Taylor Lattimore
Sara is adopted, a wife of 17 years, a mother to 2 amazing children who give her opportunities to be a cheerleader, dress up like a princess, play soccer in the mud, and go on amazing adventures. With a Bachelors in political science and sociology, Sara worked for Child Protective Services as a legal caseworker before following a call into full-time ministry in 2008. During her time in full-time ministry Sara has served in medium to large size local congregations, as well as camp ministry. Sara has a passion for serving others, writing, and speaking. In 2016 Sara worked on a joint publication as a Curriculum Writer. Sara wrote the Intergenerational/Family & Day Camp Resources in “Beyond Belief” for InsideOut Christian Resources for Outdoor Ministry- Published by Chalice Press- Release Date 2018. Sara is looking forward to writing her own book next. Sara completed her MDiv from Iliff School of Theology in 2019 and is currently working on her Doctorate in Leadership and Global Perspectives from Portland Seminary. Sara currently serves as Lead Pastor of a local church in Southwestern Montana. She has previously served in ministry positions leading congregations in engaging globally in healthy mission and outreach partnerships, living life missionally, building innovative programs, and building relationships as the Director of Missions and Outreach, College Ministry Coordinator, Family and Children’s Ministry Director, Director of Christian Education, and Camp Program Director. She is an innovator and visionary who looks to find empowering and dignity restoring ways of building communities of belonging, while listening and partnering with others to find ways to also address the needs of the communities she is planted in. Beyond her work, Sara dreams of growing her family through adoption, kayaking with Orcas, going on pilgrimage on the Camino De Santiago in Spain, traveling in an RV across North America, and traveling internationally.11 responses to “To Be Present One Must Be Absent”
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Sara – I agree with you that leaders can risk losing themselves while attempting to help others. The new forms of Leadership development you mentioned is essential to serve effectively. Friedman seemed to discourage readers from another seminar, another book, and another development training (not exactly how he put it). As if these would not help, any thought on what specific training to help leaders be absent to be more present?
Go surfing in Cape Town!
Let me explain…
I agree with Friedman in that more seminars, books, training, etc. aren’t really the need. There is a benefit to them and they have a place in leadership development, however, I think as leaders deep in the trenches of leading we can get stuck in the cycle of “development”. Leaders can get stuck in the learning rut, thinking that acquiring more knowledge and techniques will help solve their leadership problems, when really they need something completely different.
There is a difference between a new leader trying to understand the fundamentals of leadership and a leader who is in the depths of leading. I think current leadership trends tend to lump all leaders together. When you are in the depth of leading you likely also carry baggage and trauma from your experiences. This can lead to less willingness to take risk and less ability to self differentiate.
What I am proposing leaders deep in their leadership journey could benefit from, is a retraining of their brain in regards to risk taking. When we lead through hard things we can often carry that baggage and trauma with us into other leadership roles. Finding opportunities for leaders to take risks and rediscover their gifts and strengths in a safe space can be life giving and leadership transforming.
My experience surfing in Cape Town was empowering and proved my own assumptions about my abilities wrong. It also gave me a sense of overcoming assumptions and negative ideas… I arrived home Saturday and my first interaction with my church was the very next morning on Sunday. Still jet lagged from the trip, I preached a sermon that I had written while sitting in the airport(not my best or most dedicated work). I received more complements and acknowledgements then I have ever before. I also had people say directly “That’s the most confident we have seen you.”
While surfing I wasn’t studying leadership but I was challenging my assumptions about myself. I was finding freedom from limiting beliefs that then could translate into my leadership. I mean if you can stand up on a surf board across the world in Cape Town… can you not stand up for your leadership, passions, beliefs in other contexts…
I believe leaders in the depth of leadership could benefit from a time of experiential empowering play and freedom forming risk-taking. This type of experience has the ability to reshape the perspectives of a leader and equip them in new ways to address the needs of their organization, while remaining true to who they are and less entrenched in the emotions of the organization.
Thanks, Sara, Thanks for sharing those insights; beautiful seeing how those Cape Town adventures apply to leadership everywhere, can’t agree more!.
Hi Sara,
I once attended a leadership camp with the theme, “leaders are made, not born” which was an inviting thought to me. Yet, it seems that leaders are made in the difficult moments of their own experiences.
What types of risks have helped you grow as a leader?
Chad,
Thanks for the question! This is a good one. I think you are right that we grow in the difficult moments where we can be shaped and formed. There is something to be said about working through and overcoming struggle. I would say though for me the risks that have helped me to grow are the ones that are empowering. Risks that have the unknown elements and cause a bit of fear, but reinforce my ability. I have had so many things in my life tell me I can’t, that when I can take a risk that tells me I can, I find a new sneak of empowerment that helps me to grow in the area of confidence which is a key piece of leadership.
Sometimes I think we can get stuck in our thoughts around overcoming obstacles as a way to leadership growth (there is value there), when really we may need a moment of playful risk taking that reminds us we can…
Hi Sara,
Great analysis and commentary on Friedman. You wrote, “There is a need for a new form of leadership development, one that focuses on the emotional maturity and personal identity of the leader.”
I could not agree more with this statement! I have seen far too often leaders who bring their own emotional immaturity into their leadership. They end up looking like whiny children throwing a temper tantrum to get their own way. What would be your recommendation to address the emotional immaturity of many in leadership?
Great question Becca!
I am not sure there is a way to address someone’s emotional immaturity with a simple fix. I would say that I have often wondered the correlation between emotional immaturity and our wounds or trauma. Is it our defense mechanism? I have heard psychologist say in relation to trauma and maturity, that the person with trauma will stop maturing at the age of the trauma.
So, is one way of developing leaders providing ways for them to embrace empowering risks that have the ability to breakdown the defense mechanisms that lead to the immaturity… I don’t know, but, I do know that for me when I take a risk and it reinforces that I am capable, I am more empowered to lead from a healthy place rather than a defensive place or place of victimhood.
Hi Sara and Becca,
I hope you do not mind me jumping into your convo.
I have found in counseling clients, being arrested in a Psychosocial developmental stage is something counselors are addressing often. In order to work through this “arrest,” therapist and client process what the road blocks are in that developmental stage of their life. Often this looks like trauma of some kind. Once this is able to be identified (by client), it is important that the client have as much time as they need to talk about the trauma, feel safe in sharing about the trauma, and have questions asked in order to draw out areas not seen by the client but by the therapist. This experience in counseling can be described as providing a holding environment for the client in order to have a corrective emotional experience. Working through the arrest in a developmental stage may take more then a conversation or a therapy session. I have clients who I have worked with for multiple years and they gain insight and even “move on” but often circle around to some of the same issues which provide opportunity for greater discovery and growth. It is a joy to see people look at what has prevented them from maturing and taking steps toward new thought and behavior….AND feelings.
Sara, what you say is so good!:
“when I take a risk and it reinforces that I am capable, I am more empowered to lead from a healthy place rather than a defensive place or place of victimhood.”
The ability to risk typically comes from a place of feeling safe. Providing safe places to risk is important.
Thank you women for the questions and dialogue in this area of emotional immaturity/identity in leaders. I’m encouraged to look at things as a practitioner as well as looking at my own personal challenges.
Kristy,
Thank you for adding to the conversation from your professional perspective. It is always helpful to hear from other perspectives.
Sara,
I appreciate you and your love for people so much. At times, I have almost been crushed by try carrying the burden or weight of ministry, the needs of the people and community.
I agree that taking time to be absent can help us be better leaders in so many ways. For me, being away helps me remember to be yoked to Jesus, that His burden is light (Matt 11:28-30).
I appreciate your heart, smile, and joy you bring to so many. Bless you!
Thank you for your kind words Greg.
Self-care as a leader is so vital, especially in ministry. Yet the ability to be absent when so many and so much depends on you is challenging. Finding ways to take the time to be away and to invest in yourself with positive reinforcement is vital to our health as leaders.
I pray you find the time you need!