They Really are Possible
Throughout history, people have disagreed, feuded, and gone to war over being so passionate about being right for whatever the cause might have been. Today, we don’t have to look too far to find news outlets posting violence related stories or social media posts ranting about a political apostacy or passionately fighting over injustices. At what point do we say, enough?
As I was reading this book, I started considering why and how my family seems different than what I consider to be now normative responses to differences among groups and ideologies. It isn’t that we don’t have strong opinions but our methods for dealing with them do seem different. I have been accused of being a coward or indifferent because I don’t post much online or call out people whose ideas are opposite mine. Maybe so, but I don’t think so. Let me digress a moment.
Influences
For 13 months Frank became a part of our family. Prior to that year, we hadn’t thought about adding another person, let alone having a high school senior boy live in our home while raising 2 daughters for a whole year. Yet, saying no wasn’t even in our mindset. Participating in international exchange has been something our family had been involved, either directly or indirectly for a number of years. My husband spent a gap year between high school and college to study in Germany while living with a family. Over the course of several summers, we hosted four-week summer exchange students focused on cultural exposure. For a number of years, our Presbyterian church partnered with a local Catholic church in Pennsylvania to bring about 40 children each summer to the States for the Children’s International Village, a faith-based initiative where children from Northern Ireland and Ireland would live with families who practiced a different faith than that of the children. The hope was that if children could see people living in peace who were different, they might grow to envision it in their home countries. Finally, both of our daughters spent a college semester in Europe. Each experience taught us valuable lessons about ourselves and the people who live, speak, think, and believe differently than us. Specifically, we learned that kindness is a universal language, that curiosity goes a long way toward understanding and that differences don’t need to threaten who we were as individuals and a family.
Difficult Conversations
In How to Have Impossible Conversations, A Very Practical Guide, Authors Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay give concrete ways to partner in civil conversations with someone who could see life, politics, religion, ethics, morals, work interests, and much more differently from others. Some of the ones that stood out to me were:
- Consider why you are having the conversation. Is it to convince someone to believe what you do? Or is it to gain understanding of a position another person has that might be different than yours[1]? This partnership tool is a reminder that a growth mindset that says there is value in getting to know someone and learning about her reasoning is important. The conversation can proceed with a different approach that allows it to be reframed from what could be considered a failed conversation into a successful one even when it ends with both parties leaving with the same divergent opinions[2].
- Remain curious. What is the other person’s motivation or background that brought her to that stand? In order to do this, I would need to move slowly through the conversation process. This reminded me of Daniel Kahneman’s system 2 thinking where we slow down to critically process our thoughts rather than impulsively relying on what we think we know and making snap judgements. Doing this opens the door to moving the conversation from a contentious interchange to an opportunity to learn and grow.
- Instill doubt rather than try to coerce change[3]. When we first read How to Make the World Add Up, I cringed at the manipulation the tobacco company used by instilling doubt into the research that said tobacco was harmful[4]. Yet, Boghossian and Lindsay’s use of doubt gave me a new way of looking at it as a tool rather than a ploy. Doubt allows the person to continue thinking long after the conversation ends. It pokes some holes in the armor of certainty that there is only one possible solution.
Practical Application
The tools that the authors offered gave this book practical value. One final concept rings true both in my personal and work settings, the ability to change my mind. While I hope an errant employee might have a change of mind. I too must be willing to consider when it might be helpful if I change my mind. Reflecting back to my family’s involvement with international exchanges, I see that the time spent with someone in our home gave us the time to really get to know one another. We were not just a sum of shallow stereotypes to each other. We learned to work through language barriers, differences in diet, recreation preferences, and more. I am sure that these experiences impact how I approach difficult conversations at work. Taking the time to listen and care about someone allows the person to process their concerns with dignity. I also see value in walking away from a conversation when it gets stale or the person shows no sign of openness to consider alternative behaviors. In keeping with a growth mindset, I would like to practice reflectively summarizing critical conversations when I am not sure I completely understand the person’s perceptions of a situation. Regardless of the setting, if someone feels that she has been heard and understood, there is greater chance for resolution of differences in the workplace and beyond.
[1] Peter Boghossian, and James Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations, A Very Practical Guide, (New York, NY, Hachette Books, 2019), 11.
[2] Carol Dweck, Mindset, Changing The Way You Think To Fulfil Your Potential, (New York, NY, Random House, 2006), 33.
[3] Boghossian and Lindsay, 165.
[4] Tim Harford, How to Make The World Add Up, (London, GB, Bridge Street Press, 2020), 14.
About the Author
Diane Tuttle
16 responses to “They Really are Possible”
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Hi Diane, I like that you brought in mindset. Having a growth mindset is vital for understanding and navigating the conversations and circumstances of those who hold vastly different views from us. It is great that you gave yourself an action step: “to practice reflectively summarizing critical conversations.” I would love to know how or where you hope to practice this? I have found that when people do this to me, I feel heard and I can also correct any miscommunications on my end, too.
Hi Kari, right now my work setting would be the best place to try this. I am thinking it could be useful not just with difficult conversations but for others as well, and practicing when there might not be high stakes feels like an easier place to start. Thanks for the question.
Hi Diane, great post! The Children’s International Village sounds like a wonderful concept. It was also good to see you bring up system 2 thinking. I hadn’t considered that, so reading it was an “oh yeah, she’s right” thought to myself. The rapid thinking of system 2 is what trips me up sometimes, which is why the tips from this book will be helpful.
Can you think of a situation when you were backed into a corner and forced to have a difficult conversation? In self-reflection and compared to what you now know, how would you assess your part in that discussion?
Hi Jennifer, Thanks for the question. I have had difficult conversations but can’t recall one where I felt backed into a corner.
Diane, I appreciate your involvement in international exchange and how that has helped cultivate an ability to have difficult conversations.
How would you exit a difficult conversation with someone without giving the impression that you don’t care about them, so that the relationship can be maintained?
Hi Graham, the best way to exit the conversation is to summarize the discussion to that point. It might help the other person recognize she was heard. Then I would say that I thought we might have reached an impasse, and it would be helpful if we paused our conversation so that we could think through what we have learned about the situation and the other person so far. If we needed to get back together, it could be scheduled for another time. Nothing is fail safe but hopefully this could work most of the time. Thanks for the thoughtful question.
Hi Diane, Thanks for the clear statement about doubt being used as a tool rather than a ploy. My general mistrust predisposed me to being cold to the idea of planting doubt in others. I feel myself resisting the idea of somehow being challenged to doubt my own beliefs. How would you describe your own openness to doubt?
Hi Julie, Don’t give me too much credit. I did say that in How to Make the World Add Up I cringed at the way the tobacco companies used it for self-serving reasons. My hope is to be open to trying it if the right situation presents itself. Thanks for the question.
Diane,
That is so great you hosted a variety of exchange students. That is something we would like to do at some point, but need more empty space in our pretty crowded house. Actually, my daughter’s good friend was an exchange student from Germany and was over at our home all the time.
In these experiences did you ever find your own perspective or mindset changing by what you had learned from others?
Hi Adam, thanks for the question. Sometimes they have made me push to be brave. If students, some of them in 4th or 5th grade, could go to the States for 4 weeks without moms or dads, maybe I could learn to be brave in areas that feel intimidating. My grandmother, who actually died about 30 years ago, hated “the Germans”, literally. She would only speak of them with disdain. She lived in Italy when the Germans occupied it during World War I. To have someone from Germany living in our home reinforced what I kept telling myself (much to her chagrin) that not all people from Germany were bad – just like now – not all Americans think the same way. Maybe just a comfort to realize there is goodness in the world that is riddled with a lot of bad as well.
Hi Diane, thanks for your post. As an executive leader, how have you used curiosity and reflective listening in everyday conversations to prepare for handling more contentious or high-stakes discussions?
Hi Christy, thanks for the question. I need to practice curiosity every day. If I don’t, it would be easy to fall into a same old, same old mindset. In some ways, it is not difficult because I care about the people who work for me, and listening to them is usually a joy rather than a hardship. The critical conversations do not nearly consume all my time. When they do, I remind myself that the person is not ONLY someone with a high stakes issue but a person who comes to work each day and does her/his best. It keeps it human for me.
Diane, you highlight curiosity, slowing down to understand another’s perspective, and allowing doubt as key tools for “impossible conversations.” How might these strategies challenge the common impulse to persuade or “win” an argument? In what ways could consistently practicing these approaches reshape relationships, both personally and professionally, in environments with profound disagreement?
Hi Chad, I have come to the conclusion that unless I am at work and someone is doing something wrong that could harm someone or our agency, I don’t need to push too hard to try to sway someone. By going into conversations as a way to understand and learn the why behind someone’s opinions or actions, I think it gives hope for change – either on their part or mine. When someone is rigid, I do hope these tools at least build bridges if not agreement. Thanks for getting me thinking.
Hi, Diane, I felt the same way in which you described how you have lived with other people from different place and different cultures. For those years I’ve lived here in Oregon, I have met and get know several people from different places and cultures, and this experience help me to learn to relate instead of labeling others. Thank you for you post, Diane.
Hi Noel, Thanks for your comment. I think uprooting your family to live in another country is brave. I would appreciate your insights. Hopefully, we can talk when we are in Cape Town.