They are People not Problems
We had just finished a lovely evening celebrating a friend’s birthday at the only chain restaurant in my country, PAUL. This bakery-restaurant combination attracts many foreigners and affluent citizens. Due to the clientele, it also draws beggars hoping for charity or food. As we stepped outside, I noticed the beggar children just as they noticed us. These children have been trained to tug at purse strings, jam door locks, and fake injuries or even pretend to be run over to gain attention and, hopefully, some money. The short walk from the restaurant door to being safely locked inside the car can be stressful. Dealing with aggressive children is possibly one of the most challenging aspects of living in Africa for me. Sometimes, I give them food or water, ignore them, ask them to leave us alone, or push away little hands reaching for my wallet. Nothing alleviates the situation. I feel heartbroken about their plight and confused about what I can do. I want to use my resources wisely, yet those seem to worsen the situation, whether I give them or not.
Poverty is a wicked problem. It is a complicated, multifaceted issue with no easy solution. In my context, I see many people burning out because of the challenges surrounding us. Rare Leadership: 4 Uncommon Habits for Increasing Trust, Joy, and Engagement in the People You Lead presents four practices that leaders can implement despite their circumstances. As the title indicates, these actions can foster trust, joy, and engagement rather than burnout and discouragement. Following our discussion last week on wicked problems, I found this book to be a timely read and applicable to situations like those I encounter with beggars
The authors, Marcus Warner, a former pastor and professor, and Jim Wilder, a clinic psychologist, combine their expertise to address leadership from a neuro-theological perspective.[1] They suggest that identity and relational belonging lead to transformation. The book presents four habits, abbreviated as RARE, that leaders can develop around identity and belonging that cultivate emotional maturity and transformation.[2]
R: Remain relational—Keep relationships bigger than the problems.[3]
A: Act like yourself—Allow the heart of Christ to work through you.[4]
R: Return to joy—Allow peace and joy to referee your emotions.[5]
E: Endure hardships well—Build your emotional capacity to suffer well. [6]
Of these four habits, remaining relational is the area I need the most work in. I like to think that I can “keep relationships bigger than problems.”[7] If I am honest, Africa presents many big problems that can easily compete for relationships. The book proposes a better option: joy-driven leaders who can “solve problems in a way that makes relationships stronger when they are finished.”[8] Four strategies are given to help keep relationships bigger than the problem: curiosity,[9] appreciation,[10] kindness,[11] and envelope conversations.[12] Rather than discuss each of these linearly, I will try to weave these into the situation I shared at the beginning of my post. Regretfully, I have usually responded to the beggar children as problems rather than people for the past twelve years. Last Friday night, as I stepped out of the restaurant, the Holy Spirit guided and directed me to respond in a new and creative that allowed me to remain relational.
As the children approached us, a girl grabbed my arm and asked me for “charity.” I stopped. I smiled at her, took her hand in mine, and led her to a corner of the sidewalk. I looked at her and asked her name. The first strategy is to be curious, which helps us remain relational.[13] Chad Hall, author of The Coaching Mindset, suggests that the opposite of curiosity is judgment.[14] My response of curiosity instead of judgment piqued the other children’s curiosity. They left my friends and ran over to me. Eagerly, they started telling me what their names were. I went around the little circle a few times, repeating the names. They repeated mine, giggling. Collectively, we were experiencing kindness or “shared joy.”[15]After a few rounds of our game, I waved goodbye to my new little friends, walked over to the car, no longer harassed, and drove off. That night, “those beggar children” became Brahim, Fatimatou, Mame, Aishe, Miriam, and Oumoukheir. The problem of poverty and begging had been enveloped in a relational conversation with these little people.[16] Perhaps for a moment, I went from being “a white lady” to a fun auntie with a sparkle in her eye. In this brief interaction we were able to appreciate one another. I experienced how “appreciation attracts, while resentment repels.”[17] Rather than a sad and hopeless spirit, I left with joy in my heart.
Rare Leadership is filled with insightful truths, application, and encouragement for those seeking to be Godly leaders transformed through our identity and belonging to Christ. The God of the Universe demonstrated the most loving and relational act by stepping into our world, seeing us, knowing us, and loving us. As we strive to be RARE, leaders—remaining relational, acting like ourselves, returning to joy, and enduring hardships well—may we reflect His love in how we lead, serve, and respond to those around us. That night, a simple question, “What is your name?” showed me the power of being a RARE leader. What moments have shaped your RARE leadership journey?
[1] “Rare Leadership in the Workplace: Life Model Works,” 2021, https://lifemodelworks.org/rare-leadership-in-the-workplace/.
[2] Marcus Warner and Jim Wilder, Rare Leadership: 4 Uncommon Habits For Increasing Trust, Joy, and Engagement in the People You Lead (Chicago, IL: Moody Publishers, 2016), 46.
[3] Ibid, 123.
[4] Ibid, 141.
[5] Ibid, 159
[6] Ibid, 175.
[7] Ibid, 123.
[8] Ibid, 127.
[9] Ibid, 129.
[10] Ibid, 131.
[11] Ibid, 132.
[12] Ibid, 133.
[13] Ibid, 129-130.
[14] Chad Hall, The Coaching Mindset: Eight Ways to Think Like a Coach (Chad W. Hall, 2016), 16.
[15] Warner, Rare Leadership, 132.
[16] Ibid, 133.
[17] Ibid, 131.
About the Author
Kari
Kari is a passionate follower of Jesus. Her journey with Him currently has her living in the Sahara in North Africa. With over a decade of experience as a family nurse practitioner and living cross-culturally, she enjoys being a champion for others. She combines her cross-cultural experience, her health care profession, and her skills in coaching to encourage holistic health and growth. She desires to see each person she encounters walk in fullness of joy, fulfilling their God-designed purpose. “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” Romans 12:12 ESV8 responses to “They are People not Problems”
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Kari,
You admitted, “Regretfully, I have usually responded to the beggar children as problems rather than people for the past twelve years.” First, I believe your response for the past twelve years is a common, natural response.
What do you think the difference is between seeing these kids on the street and seeing them as a patient if they were to walk in to a place you were working as a nurse? What prevents our first response from being relational?
Great questions, Jeff. I think the biggest difference between being on the street and in the clinic is that on the street, I am seen and treated as a means to an end—money. The clinic setting seems more relational, as they are coming to work WITH me to fix a problem. For myself, what prevents my initial response from being relational is defense–of myself, safety, those with me, etc.
Hi Kari, I can picture you talking with these children with a twinkle in your eyes. My sense is that wtihout ever mentioning His name, you showed them a part of Jesus that day. After this encounter, do you think that how you approach the “beggar children” will be different? How do you balance what you are able to give with how much they need?
Thank you, Diane. After these interactions, I always pray that they will see Jesus through me. Elysse has taught me the impact of asking people their names. I have been doing this for the past few months, and it has completely changed my perspective of the beggars. Honestly, those little ones need healthy relational interactions more than anything money can buy. Finding a balance between needs and what to give is much easier with a relational perspective. Pausing to spend 5, 10, or 30 minutes with children here of any socioeconomic status is probably the most undivided attention they get in a day. Praying in those moments is becoming a fast-track way of thinking for me. When I ask, Holy Spirit always gives me guidance and peace about what and how to give.
Hi Kari,
When I was in India, I had the same experience of children beggars. Our driver warned us to walk away and not to encourage by giving. Several days later not wanting to listen to our driver, I gave. In seconds I had so many children crowding around me. I should not have been scared of children but that moment I was. I felt terrible.
Which of the RARE habits come easily to you and does any one of them feel like a struggle to practice?
Shela, Yes, fear has definitely been the fuel behind my reactions in the past. Returning to joy has always been relatively easy for me. In Africa, I have found it challenging to “act like myself” due to fear of cultural restraints. I’m learning to embrace that more. This book has encouraged me in this journey.
What a beautiful story, Kari. I can totally envision your experience. What a Godly thing to do….”what is your name?” I think it was Stephen Covey who said hearing one’s name is the sweetest sound.
Given the children saw you as the white woman who could potentially give them charity, what is your experience with the clients who come into your clinic (who would likely be parents to those children)?
Was there anything from the book or your experience with the kids that you might utilize in your work setting?
Thank you for your kind words, Jennifer. Because the clinic was founded and run by foreigners, we regularly (at least weekly) get people coming specifically looking for handouts, free medical care, money, to have their child adopted, etc. I learned quickly to bring my local staff into these situations as many cultural things are missed by foreigners. I love the idea of leading and inviting others into joy. At the beginning of the year, I felt God inviting me to be a source of joy for others. RARE Leadership has helped affirm that this is a vital leadership characteristic.