The Worst Years of My Life
Our church was growing, and new people were joining all the time. In December 2011, I met a relatively new woman in our church who wanted to meet me in a coffee shop near our children’s schools. She produced some printed paper with Google definitions of different diagnoses, including narcissistic personality disorder, psychopathic and sociopathic personality disorders. She wanted to talk about concerns she had about her husband and wanted my professional opinion. Obviously, this is not how I work as a church leader or psychotherapist, so I gently explained the boundaries of the roles. Sadly, I failed to fully reflect on her concerns because I focused on my own fears around my professional regulation. Six months later, her husband decided that I had interfered in their marriage and sent me a death threat saying that he would destroy my name, reputation and all that I had ever done. He promptly purchased over forty thousand pounds of domain names in my name, sent out letters using email addresses in my name as if they were from me, and caused havoc and devastation to our church and further afield. The harassment lasted for over three years, and he was arrested on July 30th 2014.
Everything within me wanted to run away. I felt like my whole world had been set on fire. Continuing to do all my roles as mum, wife, and CEO of a multi site trauma recovery charity and Senior Pastor was painful. I had to reframe the situation by assuming that something I was doing was irritating the devil because otherwise, why on earth would so much go wrong when I had no actions that I regretted? Friedman is encouraging when he says, [1]‘if you are a leader, expect sabotage.’
[2]Friedman also explores five aspects of functioning that early pioneers had that enabled them to lead an entire civilisation into a New World. In retrospect, these were central to my journey through my most awful season of leadership:
- A capacity to get outside the emotional climate of the day.
- A willingness to be exposed and vulnerable.
- Persistence in the face of resistance and downright rejection.
- Stamina in the face of sabotage along the way.
- Being headstrong and ruthless- at least in the eyes of others.
I needed to [3]‘be the leader in my life at that moment’, and I needed Friedman’s key leadership concepts of courage, managing anxiety, forgetting seeking quick fixes, and challenging larger systems. I needed supernatural leadership courage because people looked to me to navigate the organisations through this crisis, and I also needed to model faith, courage and calmness when sometimes my anxiety felt tangible. I had to take responsibility for my own emotional health whilst protecting and supporting those around me who were terrified despite the assault actually being against me. Friedman notes that [4] ‘the climate of contemporary America has become so chronically anxious that our society has gone into an emotional regression that is toxic to well-defined leadership’ and I believe this is an issue in the UK too.
[5]Friedman articulates that the world needs leaders who possess the list above but also:
- The capacity to obtain clarity about one’s principles and vision.
- Self-regulation in the face of reactive sabotage.
I am personally not sure how this list could be achieved without a relationship with Jesus, the anchor, rock, guide, comfort, strength, provider and healer, but He enabled me to navigate through the assault against me and grow the organisations back to a state of thriving.
As I reflect on Elijah as a leader who was called to see the defeat of the normalisation of child sexual abuse and self-harm which was found in Baal worship, I see a man who wrestled with the reality of the task, the sabotage from those who were seeking to destroy him and His dependence on God. He modelled his internal conflict of wanting to obey God and I admire his honesty as he explains his exhaustion with the words,[6]‘It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my fathers.’ And he lay down and slept under a broom tree.’ He had to find emotional courage and confidence to suggest that the Baal worshippers could be challenged to be the first to light the fire on the altars. This is where leaders’ subconscious reactions to negative experiences can be ‘make or break’. Throughout the book, Friedman emphasises his assertions that [7]‘leaders had to be willing to face their own selves.’ I believe the world is desperate for leaders to be humble but not timid, bold but not proud, confident but not arrogant, self-assured but openly dependent on Jesus, and sure of their vision and values but without domination, force or control.
Carey Nieuwhof writes in his regular blog that the Barna research evidences that [8]‘only 21% of pastors over the age of 45 say they are flourishing in their well-being, only 7% of church leaders under the age of 45 say they are flourishing.’ My research aims to find some solutions for church leaders who have struggled with sabotage, the lack of research around the actual role definition, the impact of stress on families and the expectations of church members. I see a catastrophe brewing. Nieuwhof agrees and says that this is a ‘major concern’ He notes that ‘as go the leaders, so goes the church’. If the leaders aren’t healthy, the church won’t be healthy.’ I believe Jesus is the hope of the world, and churches should be places of healing, freedom, community and hope, like an solidly built ark in a volatile age of the storms of uncertainty and anxiety.
[1] Edwin. H. Friedman. A Failure of Nerve. Leadership In The Age of the Quick Fix. Church Publishing. New York. 1999. xiii
[2] Ibid. 200-201.
[3] Ibid. 248.
[4] Ibid. 53.
[5] Ibid.134.
[6] 1 Kings 19:4-5. English Standard Version.
[7] Ibid. 23.
[8] Carey Nieuwhof. 5 Disruptive Trends That Will Rule 2025. ttps://careynieuwhof.com/church-trends-2025/
About the Author
Betsy
10 responses to “The Worst Years of My Life”
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Betsy, I want to start by acknowledging how painful those years sound. I agree with you that it seems impossible to be this type of leader without Jesus.
You wrote about failure to flourish in pastors and also said, “I see a catastrophe brewing. Nieuwhof agrees and says that this is a ‘major concern’ He notes that ‘as go the leaders, so goes the church’.”
How will this catastrophe look?
Thanks Robert.
The catastrophe brewing could be several things or a combination of them all. One is that for a large group of church leaders, maybe the non traditional churches; the job description of church leader is not established. Due to the consumer mentality of many church members who may move from one church to another, they expect every leaders to fulfil similar roles without acknowledging that the new leader may have a different skill set. This is leading to many leaders feeling like they can never have enough skills to serve the people they are called to disciple and care for. It does not do much to facilitate job satisfaction.
The other matter is that increasingly church leaders are asked to support people with a significant trauma history, but there is no current training on this that I am aware of yet in most seminaries. I am helping out a bit here and there to provide this, but it is hit and miss for most who are training for the role of church leader. They then can experience secondary trauma due to the lack of understanding of the field and how to navigate such complexities of pastoral care.
There are many other issues but one other would be how few pastors/ church leaders children turn around as adults and reflect how pleased they were that their parent(s) were in that role. That was politely said. Work needs to be done here.
Betsy, I resonate with your assessment of the current issues. Are those the same problem from different angles? On the one side, you have traumatized people bringing their own histories and backgrounds and dropping them on their new pastor. On the other hand, most pastors haven’t been trained to deal with the issues those people carry well. Or am I misunderstanding some nuance? I can imagine that when health is measured by a church as growth with more people, bigger budgets, etc., rocking the boat and challenging people to grow in their discipleship could disrupt growth (at the cost of discipleship).
On another note, David Cimbora was at George Fox. He has a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology. I met him in 2015 when we were part of the Friends denomination in Southern California. He was teaching at BIOLA and spoke to our pastor’s group about his work on pastoral limits and health at the seminary. He would have some insights on the overlap between seminaries, pastoral counseling limits, and pastor health.
Hi Robert. I would love churches to be places of safety, hope and healing for everyone and I beleive they can be with the right systems in place that can hold those with the right qualifications, experience and boundaries to help those who are most traumatised. I ran a counselling centre within my church for 13 years until I had a a dream at night and we started the Trauma Recovery Centres for families instead. Both work so well as partner charities that are within the buildings to provide specialist help, that enables the church leaders disciple but not offer specialised counselling.
I think if we recognise Jesus as the best pastor, the current metrics of success are sorely misguided. His 12 disciples seems to be an model? That would be seen as failure in todays church. I also think I find rocking boats seems to be inevitable and being passionate about discipleship that sees Jesus transform people through to wholeness will be forever a continual life long passion!
Thank you for the mention of David Cimbora. I would very much like to find out more about his work. Thank you.
Betsy,
Thank you for your willingness to share your personal story. Saddens me to hear of the lengths that individuals will go to hurt other people.
I was in a state-wide meeting last week, where the keynote speaker discussed the shortage of pastors entering the ministry and the crisis on the horizon. I can understand why people want to stay away from ministry when only 7% are flushing. Do you think that the lack of equipping our leaders is due to the speed of changes in society versus the slow changes in the training models? Or, are there other large pieces in play?
Thanks Darren. I think stories are important to share.
We did then find out that this man had been in court every month for various different offences and had moved from London due to him doing something similar to a church there. He needs help.
If we zoom out further than church, there seems to be a wider issue with many young adults being driven towards seeking a lifestyle that avoids hard work or serving others. Also practically speaking, in the UK you can earn more working in a coffee shop than working in a school as a specialist assistant for children with additional needs. So there is a shortage of those professionals who change the lives of others. The moral duty of serving our nation seems to be increasingly a past notion.
To reply to the BIG question of recruitment crisis for church leadership without summarising my current literature review, I would highlight that the training for church leader needs to be both theologically trained, with leadership, management, pastoral care and event management skills. Not many can fulfil that brief. So who wants to do it? Especially when your metrics for success are not agreed, and so is feeling confident that it’s all going ok even an option? And of course, to be honest, my daily rate of pay for training professionals outside of Christian contexts is roughly the same as my monthly rate of pay within the charity sector of leading a church in the UK.
We need to see changes urgently. I am passionate about it and here to learn, research, write, speak and hope.
Hi Betsy,
Thanks for sharing this part of your story, which sounds painful. I appreciate your courage.
What specifically is it about the life of Jesus that you clung to during this time that maintained hope and courage, and how do you think that relates to what it takes for church leaders to flourish?
Thanks Joff.
I spent time checking with myself, my team, board and friends that I hadn’t done anything that was ungodly or sinful and the conclusion was that the incident that kicked off the harrassment was the same month as i started what has been now a 12 year work pioneering trauma recovery models and theories. When I started the Trauma Recovery Centres as a new charity, I wasn’t aware that it would take me to train in 32 nations, be in government positions to bring change in to whole nations and write 10 books and create new models that challenge the current biomedical model of mental health that has no reference or concept of healing.
In fact a colleague in another nation laughed at me when I first told her that we had to move our family ‘into hiding’ with police protection. She said that I had put a bullseye on my body when I started the centres because the enemy uses trauma as his main weapon to destroy human kind. So i may as well have put ‘devil recovery centre’ on the door of the building I was stewarding. Words like that and my theology of the devil and spiritual warfare helped me fight longer and harder and know it was not personal. It also helped me teach my four sons who had to move schools and area and come off social media. They are all strong leaders who love Jesus, church and are extraordinary and not traumatised by it due to my intentional parenting in a trauma recovery way.
Also i found out that the satanic network paid him a lot of money to destroy and silence me. He ran away on bail to South Africa, so i may be a little more vulnerable when I see you all in that nation in October.
I also also appreciate you sharing this story. Your work is courageous and draws anger from those who are threatened by your bright light.
Your connection to Elijah is insightful. Reading the passage as a 13 year old, I struggled to see how he could go so quickly from the mountaintop of victory to the valley of depression. As a battle-scarred adult, I see the hope of God’s compassion as he gives this spent leader physical and spiritual care.
Indeed Rich. The wonders of age help us view many of those Bible stories with more understanding, often accompanied with a deep groan.