The Shaping Of Who We Are & How We Lead
In “Leading Out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership,” Simon Walker invites us to engage leadership on a more personal level, seeing it as a journey of self-awareness that’s fundamentally “about who you are, not what you know or what skills you have.” With this as the foundation, he says that “leadership is about trust, and it is about power.”[1]
I appreciate how he frames leadership as a practice of vulnerability and self-emptying that is most concerned with serving others. However, this isn’t always so easy in practice. Walker is highly aware of this challenge and claims it’s due to the natural inclination we have towards defensiveness that comes when trying to preserve one’s sense of power and influence, especially as it relates to their ability to shape and control how others see them.[2] In exploring strategies of defense, he outlines the various types of power people possess (inviting us to move our questioning away from if power is used to how power is used) and how we enter dangerous territory as leaders when we try to attain a sense of security through exercising control in/over our relationships. He exposes how clinging to selective presentation, power, and control as strategies of protection ultimately proves futile since control only offers an illusion of security and we can never fully hide ourselves.
I’m reminded of Brother Lawrence, a monk I got to know while living in Boston years ago. He once shared how no matter how hard you try to show only what you deem as favorable aspects of yourself, eventually Community will “out” you. Walker highlights this as he pulls from Erving Goffman’s theory speaking to the front stage and back stage of leadership. The front stage is where we perform for our audience. This is any and everything that can be seen by those around us. Whereas the back stage is home to everything we don’t feel able to show an audience without losing love or value; it’s “where we hide our hopes, thoughts, plans, feelings, and more negative thoughts like doubt, failure, frustration, and fears.” [3] We utilize these two “stages” as an attempt to reduce the risks and perceived threats of those around us but anytime we focus on one more than the other we can expect “leakage” to happen, as whatever occurs in one area will always have an impact in the other area, due to our instinct to overcompensate with negative coping mechanisms. In my work we often use the following phrase to capture this: the personal is the professional.
To locate the roots of the “defended” self, Walker invites us to dig deeper within ourselves and revisit our childhoods. He outlines how our defensiveness stems from idealization, idealism, and unmet emotional needs. Going back to the idea of leadership ultimately being about power and trust, Walker does a deep dive into our experience of and response to trust, building on the work of psychologists Bartholomew and Horowitz around ego formation. They identified four varying shapes of ego dependent on how nurturing one’s environment was during infancy: secure, dismissing, preoccupied, and fearful.[4] Walker translates these into what he calls Shaping Leadership ego, Defining Leadership ego, Adapting Leadership ego, and Defending Leadership ego, which each have a ‘front-stage’ or ‘back-stage’ tendency. [5]
Walker argues that ”control is one of the least acknowledged defenses of the leader and often prevents them from working collaboratively with others”[6]. This is an issue because working collaboratively and allowing individuals to see both our front stage and our back stage is the only way we will ever be free to lead. I love this idea of freedom at the core of our leadership, as it aligns with my beliefs and fits in nicely with my aim to support people in leading from a place of authenticity and wholeness. He takes a moment to focus on leaders in the social sector, highlighting common traps that keep those drawn to this type of work in bondage, feeling as though they live in a world that is happening to them, thus evoking a need for self-protection, which kick-starts all their defenses. For Walker, true leadership must be ‘undefended’ which doesn’t come from “grasping power or seeking colleagues’ approval but rather from “our attachment to another’ who offers “unconditional regard’”. [7]
But how and where do we gain this type of security in unconditional love? Walker argues this is a role only God can play, for no matter how well intended a human is, true security can only be found in an identity rooted in Christ. This is where I begin to get even more excited about Walker’s work. I couldn’t scribble down quickly enough as I took notes on what I was reading. It all felt like fuel to the fire of my NPO.
Understanding that we hide when we can’t trust ( ourselves and others)…Understanding just how much of our adult lives and leadership are shaped by our experiences during childhood…Understanding that our job as adults is to know ourselves, free ourselves and help others do the same… Understanding that we need restoration… Understanding that true restoration can only come from God…Understanding that we often must be taught to receive…Understanding that this work is about freedom, healing, reconciliation, trust, vulnerability, intimacy, and Oneness…
As thoughts continue to stir, I can’t help but wonder what this means for me. While I don’t have a concrete next-step application, what I do know is that I feel affirmed and encouraged that Im moving in the right direction. That said, this did resurface a curiosity of who best to target for the greatest level of impact regarding leadership intervention. Despite initially doing his research on adults, Walker has now established a practice working with adolescents, as they develop into adults and “undefended” leaders. So much of the work I must do with the women I serve is about revisiting younger versions of themselves and reparenting that inner child who feels scared, alone, afraid, unloved, etc. I’m now wondering what it might look like to expand my program intergenerationally. The theme of intergenerational connection and community building has already come up in my research regarding collective healing, however, I was looking at it more so from a lens of bringing in women who are even older than my target audience. Now I sit with what it could look like to address these deeper issues right when they first appear in a young girl’s life. As I continue to make space for things to unfold, im curious to know, in what way(s) are you thinking about and addressing the impact of past experiences and developmental stages on your NPO audience?
[1] Walker, Simon P. Leading out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership. Carlisle, UK: Piquant, 2007.
[2]Ducker, Chris. “Leading out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership .” Encounters Mission Journal, no. 39 (n.d.). https://www.redcliffe.ac.uk/research/encounters-mission-journal/encounters-mission-journal-issue-39-book-review-3.
[3]Hartman, Andrew. “Leading out of Who You Are by Simon P Walker. An Executive Book Summary.” Squarespace. Andrew Hartman, September 23, 2016.https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5df3bc9a62ff3e45ae9d2b06/t/5e384525947a5125262f7a7c/1580746028131/Leading+Out+of+Who+You+Are.Walker.EBS.pdf.
[4]Ibid
[5]Morgan, Alison. “Simon Walker: The Undefended Leader Trilogy.” Alison Morgan. Alison Morgan, April 2014. https://www.alisonmorgan.co.uk/Books/Walker%202007.pdf.
[6]Ibid[7] Ducker, Chris. “Leading out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership .” Encounters Mission Journal, no. 39 (n.d.). https://www.redcliffe.ac.uk/research/encounters-mission-journal/encounters-mission-journal-issue-39-book-review-3.
About the Author
Akwese
12 responses to “The Shaping Of Who We Are & How We Lead”
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Hi Akwese, thanks for your post. I understand that you are contemplating how to help those you serve be an undefended leader.
Can you tell us more about what you do and how you might consider expanding to intergenerational work?
On the flip side – how has this book impacted you personally to be more of an undefended leader?
Hey Christy, thanks for your response and questions!
My work has been focused on supporting global changemakers in building resilience and avoiding burnout. However, a few years ago I launched a community for change-making women to focus on the inner work of healing and developing a practice of giving themselves back to themselves. The women range from mid-20s to mid-60s; however, most are in their 30s. Previously I had envisioned the intergenerational piece being more about intentionality in reaching out to older women however, now I’m exploring what it would look like to launch a program for younger girls that could run alongside the programming for adults and have some overlap… very much a seed idea right now but something feels really aligned and exciting about exploring this further.
In terms of how this book has impacted my leadership — it brings me back to the need to prioritize my own healing space right now. As a practitioner holding space for so many others, it’s not always easy to find people to hold space for you but over the years I’ve been more and more intentional in asking for support, learning to receive, and giving myself permission to not be okay. Reading this book has helped remove some guilt for me being in the current state that I am right now. To be honest it sucks to feel like im failing at so much, especially when previously my capacity to juggle things was much greater but what I do know is that I refuse to live in a world where I can’t share my front and back stage self AND I must actively work on this. Right now a lot of my “work” is accepting that im only able to show up at like 30% of the old me and some days that feels too ambitious. Being okay with others making negative judgments, not understanding me, or being able to adequately support my current needs can make it easy for me to want to hide and/or let some of the ego patterns lead but the key is to keep searching for places and people with whom I do feel safe, advocating for myself and accepting whatever “consequences” may come, knowing that I am prioritizing my needs at the moment because if I don’t, no one else will and I’ll ill be much more likely to play the defense game.
Awesome, thank you for your post. I appreciate that you brought Brother Lawrence into the conversation; it was a great contribution. Will you explain further the idea of the personal being the professional? I think I understand it at a superficial level, but I would appreciate knowing more fully how it is used in your context.
Hi Chad! Thanks for your question. So the way I use it is more so as an invitation to practice ” inside-out” leadership where we start from the inner self — things like one’s values, sense of purpose, and identity.
There are still many who will come to leadership programs thinking it should only be about hard business skills and they don’t see much value in soft skill development. I’ve even sat with some people who get mad and share their frustration that they don’t understand why we’re talking about personal things if this is “leadership” coaching.
Of course, once we start working together they quickly see just how much of their personal life bleeds into their professional and vice versa. That’s why when I do trainings with larger groups I often name this upfront. Telling them that at the core of their leadership is themselves and therefore if they struggle to express themselves at home, oftentimes they may also struggle in the office or if they are experiencing lots of anxiety at work, they might come home on edge and that impacts the health of their personal relationships, etc. Wherever they go, they will be there and thus we cannot address true growth and transformation without looking at the WHOLE self, not compartmentalizing oneself and only addressing their “professional” persona.
I hope that gives more insight. It really is another way to talk about the bleeding of the “stages” and why we need to create space for both to be seen, shared and engaged.
Akwese, I am so excited for you to broaden your impact to younger women and even to girls! You are gifted and in the perfect place spiritually, to be a huge influence for faith in their lives, helping to create the next generation of undefended leaders. I am cheering for you!
That being said though, one thing my coach always tells us (as we are learning to be better coaches) is that we can’t help others do the work that we haven’t done on ourselves. Since this is such a public forum, in general terms, without going into the details, where do you see the work you need to do, so you can then help your clients do that difficult work?
Hi Debbie, thanks for your response and encouragement.
I wholeheartedly agree that we can only take people as far as we’ve gone ourselves. I sort of answered this in my response to Christy so you may also want to see that, however when it comes to the adult woman I currently support, my “work” needs to be on a few things:
1) Really claiming space for myself to not be okay in this season
2) Slowing down A LOT and not apologizing or feeling shame for it
3) Deepening my understanding of spiritual warfare and deliverance
4) Getting more support in understanding and healing developmental trauma
5) Finding communities of practice for my own accountability towards wholeness
6) Being radically obedient to what God’s called me to do and doing it unapologetically.
Ha, this actually felt really great to list out and I could probably keep on going but will stop here for now. There’s always lots of room to grow and I will never stop developing on this journey but for now, these are some areas Im focused on deepening. I see that while I may be further along than the woman I tend to serve when it comes to spiritual formation and self-care, I still feel like an infant in many ways and if I don’t get support from people further along than me, where I can be the student, it’ll impact how deep I can go with them.
Akwese,
I love how you connected the writings of Brother Lawrence (one of my favorite writers) with this week’s reading. It seems that the more we, as leaders, show our back stage to our community, the more we will be outed, which, in my book, can be good because we are kept accountable. And, as you pointed to the issue of control can negate collaboration.
In your experience, how have you navigated this? And how do you imagine this will play out with your NPO? You mentioned intergenerational trauma and I think it’s incredibly wise of you to include older women. How do you hope those women will be of value to the community?
Great questions Nancy!
How I’ve navigated front and backstage has changed depending on the circumstance/environment Im in. That said, what I’ve found over the years is that I’ve grown to have little tolerance for being amongst people/places where I feel I cannot show my whole self and that whole self be received. Therefore, I tend to distance myself from that situations that dont feel accepting and safe in order to prioritize my energy and time where I can show up in the fullness of who I am. Since I’ve shifted my work to support women in showing up more authentically themselves, I’ve found it vital I mirror this. Regarding my NPO since I’m looking at collective healing, it feels the same. I think there is a shared journey we all have as women which I hope to highlight by intentionally seeking out even greater diversity amongst the women I work with. It’s interesting because when I first started working with women I often marketed to millennials yet I’d have women in their 60s reach out and show up wanting to join because they felt just as new and unsupported in this work so I trust this will be a value add to them, and in that, they will add value to the group as a whole.
Akwése, thank you for this great post. I can tell you are excited about this subject and I sensed a passionate tone throughout your post. Very cool. I appreciated how you highlighted Walker’s ideas that leadership is a practice of vulnerability and self-emptying that is most concerned with serving others. I agree with you. This is not easy to practice. This thought also brought to mind the Leader-followership collusion cycle. As you navigate vulnerability and self-emptying in leadership, have you found ways to easily gauge whether you are leading from a defended or undefended position? Or have you been able to recognize this in others and walk them through it?
Elysse, thanks for these questions!
Regarding ways to easily gauge whether Im leading from a defended or undefended position, I ‘d say remembering to slow down and pause. Having regular, intentional space for reflection has been a game changer for me. Also, connecting with other practitioners I respect and who carry similar values has been huge in terms of both giving and recieving ongoing feedback and support.
Hi, Akwese, thank you for your post. Those three thoughts that you mentioned, self-emptying, restoration and be filled with Christ, as the base of an undefended leader is not only true, but I believe it is a source of humility to a leader. Thank you for the informative post.
Thanks Noel!