The Saboteur Within
I approached Edwin Friedman’s book, Failure of Nerve, with a great deal of curiosity and a fair amount of apprehension. I am quite familiar with the practice of non-anxious presence discussed in his book and yet I notice myself faltering in certain anxiety prone situations. In my attempts to restore equilibrium and balance I realize I am unwittingly sabotaging not only myself, but possibly the health of the systems that anticipate my leadership. This highlights areas where my ability to differentiate is challenged and presents an invitation to hold onto my integrity and take responsibility for myself. Practice makes progress. Every relational encounter is an opportunity to practice differentiation and self-regulation.
I was encouraged by Friedman’s explanation that resistance and even sabotage come with the territory and the leader’s ability to recognize it as such is what he terms, “the key to the kingdom.”[1] Being my own saboteur is at the root of my failure of nerve. Managing my anxiety and other uncomfortable feelings is my responsibility. I have worked hard to gain the necessary skills to process uncomfortable feelings and maintain a non-anxious presence. However, I am never surprised by how easily I get hijacked by the anxiety prevalent in our society, or the organizations and family systems to which I belong. I am noticing my natural tendencies to respond with empathy can sometimes undermine my own leadership. This troubles me.
As I began my inspectional reading Chapter Four entitled, “Survival in a Hostile Environment: The Fallacy of Empathy” immediately grabbed my attention. I have a long-standing belief that empathy is a valuable quality as I strive to understand and attend to the experiences of others. I am also seeing how empathy hasn’t always served me well. For example, there have been times when the unreasonable behavior of a colleague, a misunderstanding with a friend, a session with a client, and even an awkward encounter at Home Depot, my use of empathy completely backfired. Instead of being a helpful tool to create connection and understanding the response I got set off a siren of confusion within me and sent me running for cover. These bewildering and uncomfortable encounters left me questioning my skills and doubting my calling. Empathy is not a one-size fits all tool especially when engaging with emotionally charged systems or individuals. The problem with empathy being my leadership tool of choice is that not everyone is responsive to empathy. Friedman clarified this for me, “All entities that are destructive to other entities share one major characteristic that is totally unresponsive to empathy, they are not capable of self-regulation.” Friedman explains that without self-regulation one cannot learn from their experiences.[2] Some systems thrive on chaos. I do not! Apparently, empathy and chaos don’t mix.
Self-Regulation is Emotion Regulation!
I am reminded of Dr. Daniel Siegel’s hand model of the brain in which he explains how the different regions of the brain become disintegrated when under threat.[3] We literally flip our lids. In this state the brain itself is an example of a system in chaos. The thinking part of the brain is of no use until we calm the body and attend to our feelings. It is no surprise that if I can’t self-regulate, I won’t be able to learn from the experience or move through it wisely. I may even start to believe that my environment and everyone in it is the problem. Empathy is a powerful tool. It can help me understand what is happening in chaotic situations, but it is not always the correct tool to use. I spent years tormenting myself over the above situations before realizing I was using the wrong tool. When empathy didn’t work I reacted to anxiety with more anxiety. Which for me looks more like shutting down than reactivity, but it is a reaction! It will impede by leadership abilities. I am asking myself, what underused tool is hiding in my toolbox?
Differentiation: I am responsible for me; and you are responsible for you!
Friedman states, “The kind of “sensitivity” that leaders most require is a sensitivity to the degree of chronic anxiety and the lack of self-differentiation in the system that surrounds them.”[4] Taking responsibility for self, extends to others the invitation to do the same. I can be empathetic and value others while at the same time maintaining my own non-anxious presence through self-regulation and differentiation. Monitoring my own emotional responses and staying present to myself keeps me on track. I don’t have to take on the responsibility of another person’s emotional responses; nor do I have to enter the chaos that may ensue. The goal of differentiation is not separation as I have often feared. It is, “preserving self in a close relationship.”[5] When emotionally dysregulated, I ask myself the following questions. What do I need to do to calm down? What am I feeling and Why? What are my emotions trying to tell me? I remind myself that I have a choice. I make better decisions when I understand what is happening and take responsibility for myself.
Reading Failure of Nerve has by no means convinced me to ditch empathy. I can hold onto my integrity while using empathy wisely and appropriately. But It has inspired me to take a closer look at the ways I self-sabotage and weak areas in my ability to differentiate successfully.
[1] Friedman, Edwin. Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix. (New York, NY: Church Publishing, 1999), 12.
[2] Friedman, Edwin. Failure of Nerve, 147.
[3] Dr. Dan Siegel’s Hand model of the Brain, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-m2YcdMdFw
[4] Friedman, 146.
[5] Ibid., 9.
About the Author
Jenny Dooley
Jenny served as a missionary in Southeast Asia for 28 years. She currently resides in Gig Harbor, Washington, where she works as a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Certified Spiritual Director in private practice with her husband, Eric. Jenny loves to listen and behold the image of God in others. She enjoys traveling, reading, and spending time with her family which include 5 amazing adult children, 3 awesome sons-in-law, a beautiful daughter-in-law, and 8 delightful grandchildren.10 responses to “The Saboteur Within”
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Hi Jenny, WOW, this was so introspective and transparent. Thanks for sharing.
BALANCE. This what my wife said to me when we went this morning to dig out her car from the snow. We were discussing Friedman’s book (yes he has leaked into my marriage). Leaders have to find the most effective balance that works for them. Empathy is just a part of the picture (I believe).
Poole opened up a MENU of 52 traits/characteristics/exercises that deal with leadership. Many of them apply to me some don’t, but I loved the smorgasbord of leadership flavors she presented.
Friedman has an abrasive style that he probably used in his therapy session to jolt people out of the emotional ruts and responded to his counseling sessions. I suppose it is a method that worked for him.
I don’t believe all leaders are alike. If Friedman helps shine a spot light on things we need to think about then great! However, his is a book that requires one to “agree to disagree.”
I suppose that is why Dr. Clark selected it. Some reviews love it, some hate it.
I enjoyed parts of it. I initially thought that I rated a 3 on the empathy scale (10 being the highest), but then I thought about Deut 10:18 (orphans, widows, and the alien amongst us). When it comes to that group of folk I am ALL in.
Right now one of the orphanage kids I worked with in Hungary just got a KIDNEY. I am so pleased, especially since when the first kidney became available, his government appointed guardian would not come in (since it was a Sunday). So the Kidney was given to someone else. I had a cow. Not sure why I shared that, but my heart does beat more rapidly when I am dealing with the children in our 10 orphanages in Hungary.
Shades of empathy are creeping into my soul…Shalom…Russ
Hi Russell,
I like the your concept of balance when it comes to leadership. I’m grateful for all the different perspectives and practical tools I am getting exposed to with our readings. I am also grateful for the new ways of thinking about leadership. We all have our unique gifts and abilities. I don’t feel pressured to master every new tool. I am seeing areas that need much improvement that I probably wouldn’t have known where to start if it wasn’t for our reading and discussions. With new awareness comes a growing edge to explore so I appreciate the reminder to stay in balance and practice self-empathy. By the way, your empathy and passion for your students and immigrants shines brightly and is very inspiring!
Hi, Jenny,
Thank you for sharing your own wrestling in the area of the use of empathy. I wrestle with this as well. In ministry, our desire is for people to come away feeling loved, built up and, valued. However, when it comes to a situation where someone needs to hear truth and take responsiblity, stumbling apologies and affirming who they and what they do doesn’t quite serve what is needed. Many times the hard truth from a leader who is calm, yet directive, can cause growth, even if it takes time to sink in and bring change. Might part of the problem be that we, as leaders, ourselves, want validation and acceptance? When I look at it from this lense, I realize the situation has become all about what I need emotionally. Agh! I am growing in this area, but ever so slowly…
Hi Esther, I think needing validation and wanting to be liked play a role in how ministry leaders use empathy. Everyone wants to feel built up and loved, including the pastor. I can also say I have known a few ministry leaders who didn’t seem to have much empathy and that does contribute to the overall health of the church as well. I have been reading, Flourishing in Ministry: How to cultivate clergy well-being, by Matt Bloom. He discusses several years of research on clergy well-being and he highlighted how essential boundaries and supportive congregations are for pastors. Empathy has it’s place and it can be used for the wrong reasons, including the desire to be loved, appreciated and validated. I guess that is what Friedman was getting at when he said empathy can be manipulative. I don’t think it is intentional by any means, we all desire to be loved and appreciated and fear losing or never receiving it. I wonder if Friedman isn’t being overly blunt so us soft-hearted folk can get the point.
Thank you for being so honest. Empathy is so important; I have always valued it and appreciate it when I recognize it in someone. I acknowledge that it has not always served me well. Your statement, “Empathy is not a one-size fits all tool especially when engaging with emotionally charged systems or individuals.” is so accurate. I love that you are empathetic and kind in your work and in your life. It is a rare quality. I pray that you continue to share your beautiful spirit with us all and that God will grant you space to nurture and care for your own needs.
Hi Jonita, It has been rather eye-opening. I realize that just because empathy may not always be the right tool, doesn’t mean I can’t still be kind when using a different tool. I think that is part of maintaining our integrity, knowing who we are and what we are called to do. I call it “holding on to myself” in tough situations. I think that prevents me from getting sucked into an anxious state of mind personally and into the anxiety of the system. I am improving but it is still a challenge. I come from a family of commercial fishermen. I grew up around a lot of fish! Fishermen are trying to catch fish and they want fish to take the bait. I have thought about that in terms of uncomfortable one-on-one situations. I don’t have to take the bait and get hooked. Unfortunately, my analogy breaks down with net fishing:) But now I am thinking about organizational anxiety. Oh my! I may need a new analogy for that!
“I don’t have to take on the responsibility of another person’s emotional responses”. That statement hit me over the head because it’s where I find some of my anxiety rises.
This book and reading other’s posts has led me to understand that while I want to be sympathetic, caring, loving, giving, serving, etc. it’s ok to draw emotional boundaries and not so over-empathize that I feel responsible for someone else’s response or feelings.
Hi Tim, Thanks for you comments. Taking responsibility for other people’s feelings produces a lot of borrowed anxiety for me if I am not careful! It also doesn’t leave much space to attend to my own feelings very well. When I worked as a school counselor I taught elementary age students about emotions. I was always so amazed at how they would engage with me, easily name their feelings, and talk about why they felt the way they did. It made me wonder when and why I learned to set aside my own feelings in favor of others. I don’t have an answer for that yet. I think Friedman’s book is helping me sort out some things. I have had a lot of training in holding spaces with empathy and learning how to exit without carrying it all. Well, not for too long, anyway. I think it is trickier with family and family-like systems.
Hi Jenny! I enjoyed so much to read your post.
Talking about self-differentiation means preserving the self in a close relationship. So we don’t have to take on the responsibility of another person’s emotional responses. From Friedman’s book, we can learn how to put ourselves as a leader in a kind of situation.
From Jesus, we also learn about compassion. Sometimes, He is deeply involved with someone’s situation and condition. How we can describe what Jesus did in that situation related to our ministry/leadership context?
Hi Dinka, Thank you for your response. I love looking at how Jesus’ interacted with people. So many examples of Jesus being compassionate and empathetic yet remaining self-differentiated and non-anxious. One of my favorite examples is Jesus and the rich young ruler in Mark 10:17-27. Jesus engaged with him compassionately and loved him while allowing him to make up his own mind and tend to his own feelings. Jesus didn’t chase after him or try to convince him. I always wonder what happened to the young man after he walked away. Did Jesus’ words stick with him and produce change or did he remain as he was? Regardless of his choice Jesus loved and had compassion for him.