The Power of Identity and Attachment: Overcoming Default Patterns for a Flourishing Life
It’s very hard to watch someone you love and care about struggle with being sad.
I have a good friend–let’s call her Jane–who has had a lot of changes in her life over the last year.
Some of those changes have happened “to” her. Some are decisions that she and her family have made… but which she has then regretted.
She is stuck in thinking about all that she has “lost” (in her estimation) and is unable to look around at all the good in her life now, let alone the tremendous possibilities for good things in her future. She is definitely not in a place where she can think clearly, mostly because she is not happy or content.
Default Instincts
In his book, Clear Thinking, Shane Parrish explains our default instincts, at least three of which describe Jane right now:
1 – The emotion default; we tend to respond to feelings rather than reasons and facts. (Jane)
2 – The ego default: we tend to react to anything that threatens our sense of self-worth or our position in a group hierarchy. (Jane had the lead position in a small company. Now she has a well-defined role in a larger company.)
3 – The social default: we tend to conform to the norms of the larger social group.
4 – The inertia default: we’re habit-forming and comfort-seeking. We tend to resist change and to prefer ideas, processes, and environments that are familiar. [1] (Jane has had a lot of change and it’s been very uncomfortable.)
The longer Jane ruminates on her situation, the more strongly these defaults are carved into her brain biology. Parrish suggests, “The way to improve your defaults isn’t by willpower but by creating an intentional environment where your desired behavior becomes the default behavior.” [2].
Beyond Willpower
Willpower will never work. So what is the desired default behavior? Parrish says you need to build strength so you can exercise good judgment. The four key strengths he recommends are:
Self-accountability
Self-knowledge
Self-control
Self-confidence [3]
I agree with all of this. And…
Because he is not writing from a Christian perspective, I think he’s missing the most important ingredient: A clear sense of belonging to Christ, of being a beloved child of the Father who created you. Tom Camacho explains about this vital sense of identity:
When we get clarity that we are treasured sons and daughters of God, we experience incredible peace and rest… We can then stop focusing on all our problems and focus instead on all the promises God has given us in his Word. We start feeling at home in our own skin. We move beyond survival and focus on stewarding all the blessings God has given us. The greatest fruit of clarity in our identity is a deep and lasting inner rest. From that rest we find we have more energy for what God is calling us to do. [4]
Identity grows out of understanding who “my people” are. We make decisions every day by unconsciously asking ourselves, “How would ‘my people’ respond in this situation? What would they do?” There is a great deal I’d like to say about the concept of identity, but for now, let’s focus on this golden nugget: Our identity arises out of those to whom we are attached. Attachment is a far greater force than will (which grows tired by the end of the day!).
Attachment Love
Jim Wilder writes, “Neuroscience tells us that the brain functions around attachment, not will… Attachment that saves is in the heart… Our will is logically connected to our mind and physically part of the brain.” [5]
Because of the way attachment works in our brains, “Attachment love is central to an older path to Christian character. Saint Clare of Assisi (1194-1253) spoke of attachment… ‘We become what we love and who we love shapes what we become.’” [6]
Wilder explains that attachment love runs on the fast track of the brain (see almost anywhere in Edwin Friedman’s book, A Failure of Nerve [7] for more about the fast track–system 1–and the slow track–system 2), while the will runs on the slow track. Wilder also explains “that attachment develops through joy. When we are truly glad to be with someone, the energy of that joy strengthens our attachment. When we share joy, we become attached.” [8]
It’s not until the end of the book that Parrish finally gets to the real point in the chapter, “The Happiness Experts.” Since my NPO is about self-awareness and flourishing, I want him to make the connections more clearly (no pun intended): Our brains cause us to get in our own way when we aren’t self-aware enough to recognize unproductive, unhelpful mental defaults that keep driving our thoughts, emotions, and actions. We need to become joyfully attached to God to be truly happy and flourish as we were intended.
How do we bring this all back to Jane?
Clearly, someone who is clinically depressed needs to see a therapist, which Jane has been doing for several months.
And Jane also needs to grow self-aware enough to notice her default protection patterns and recognize that willpower isn’t going to get her unstuck from ruminating. Time, possibly medication to break the cycle, and attachment to God as a loving Father will combine to bring the joy that ultimately contributes to a flourishing life.
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1 – Shane Parrish, Clear Thinking; Turning Ordinary Moments into Extraordinary Results (New York: Portfolio/Penguin, 2023), 10-11.
2 – Parrish, 36-37.
3 – Parrish, 41.
4 – Tom Camacho, Mining for Gold; Developing Kingdom Leaders through Coaching (London: Intervarsity Press, 2019), 51.
5 – Jim Wilder, Renovated; God, Dallas Willard and the Church That Transforms (No location: NavPress, 2020), 70.
6 – Wilder, 74.
7 – Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve; Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix (New York: Church Publishing, 2017).
7 – Wilder, 76.
About the Author
Debbie Owen
Deborah C. Owen is an experienced spiritual director, Neuro-based Enneagram executive and life coach, disciple maker, professional writer, senior librarian, and long-time church Music Director and lay leader. She has earned the award of National Board Certification for teaching excellence, and a podcasting award, and is pursuing a Doctor of Leadership degree through Portland Seminary at George Fox University. She lives in the backwoods of Maine with her husband and flat-coated retriever. She spends as much time as she can with their 3 grown children, daughter-in-law, and 2 small grandchildren. Find her online at InsideOutMinistries.info.5 responses to “The Power of Identity and Attachment: Overcoming Default Patterns for a Flourishing Life”
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Thank you, Debbie. What do you suppose could help crack the ice for Jane so she can begin the steps of becoming self-aware?
HI Debbie Great Post. You mentioned about connections. What connections would you have like Parrish tackle to gain you better insight?
Yes Diane, it is sad to see someone you love struggle. How might Jane’s understanding and practice of attachment love help her shift her focus from her losses to the promises and blessings in her life, fostering a more joyful and flourishing existence?
Hi Debbie, As I read your post I started thinking how the defaults might be connected. It sounds like Jane is operating with an emotional default, but do you think that could that also then trigger inertia?
Debbie, thanks for this post! There were a handful of things I appreciated here. That said, I’m curious to hear how you’re crafting an intentional environment that helps you get out of your own way ( re: the ” unproductive, unhelpful mental defaults that keep driving our thoughts, emotions, and actions”) and rest in your identity in Christ?