The Paradox of Being a Girl
Ten years ago, at my church on the north side of Portland, we had a “mission” moment. This moment of mission was not what I had expected. It was not missionaries from some foreign country or inner-city project; it was different than I had ever heard. Three young women got up from their pew and stood in front of our church, talking about their mission to help women and men within the sex industry. They call their non-profit The Cupcake Girls. I was instantly drawn into their mission:
The Cupcake Girls provides confidential support to those involved in the sex industry, as well as trauma-informed outreach, advocacy, holistic resources, and referral services to offer prevention and aftercare to those affected by sex trafficking.
We provide nonjudgmental support to empower our program participants in their pursuits through respect, resources, and relationships.[1]
When I volunteered, I became a cupcake maker. And in true Oregon fashion, it was vegan. What they do is have a trained group of women who enter into strip clubs with cupcakes for the workers, the bouncers, bartenders, and strippers. There was NO AGENDA other than to tell the women they see them and to earn trust and rapport with those working there. The volunteer force was people like me making the cupcakes, professional counselors and social workers in the clubs, the legal team for any issues for the workers, dentists, accountants, doctors, etc. It is a beautiful organization and has changed many lives. Some women and men get out of a situation they don’t want to be in and stay in sex work as empowered individuals; some leave and get into careers they want, regain custody of children, or find confidence in who they are as one in imago dei.
In Tom Holland’s book Dominion: How the Christian Revolution Remade the World, the author provides a thorough history of the path of Christianity and how it defines the West. Even the very definition of secular vs. Christian is seen through a Christian worldview, as that is how the modern Western world is set. “And even now, when most of the educated classes have abandoned Christianity and when religion is in sharp decline among the populace, Christianity has such an enduring, pervasive influence that we cannot condemn the church for its failures without invoking Christian teaching and beliefs in order to do so.”[2]
I first was listening to this book via audiobook through the library, but it lost me in the preface, though I bounced around a bit more. I was walking around a grocery store preparing for Thanksgiving when I was audibly digesting the horrors of torture and crucifixion. Whew…that was NOT light reading, and I turned it off when encountering a friend in the produce section who is fighting stage 4 cancer. We had a mid-produce hug and cry fest with a blessing involved. This is the freedom to express love, concern, and prayer over a couple. I know I struggle, and will probably always struggle with, religion and most of the violent ways it has gotten us here as described in this book, but what I have not lost is faith. I believe that God is moving on this beautiful earth she created, and faith asks where I am in that movement.
I am always drawn to how women fit into the narrative. In A Synopsis of Tom Holland’s Dominion, by Phil Mitchell, I was captured by the beginning of the summary of chapter 11 when Mitchell noted:
Christianity continues in this chapter as a revolutionary cultural force and nowhere more than in the arena of sexual ethics. The medieval church struggled with its evaluation of women. On the one hand, they were temptresses who brought sin into the world. On the other hand, they were created in the image of God, and the Bible is full of references to their humanity and worth before God. For example, no human being had ever been raised higher than the blessed virgin.[3]
The great paradox is that we are temptress and, simultaneously, pure and virginal. I grew up in the purity culture. I remember being given a plastic pop bead at the beginning of summer camp in high school, and at the end of camp, we were to return it for something. It turned out to be a pearl. We girls were to treat ourselves and our bodies as pearls. We were not to dress or act in a way that made our brother stumble—so much pressure on these young women in a culture of purity. I remember hearing the phrase “boys will be boys,” but no such grace was given to the girls. Even to this day, boys gain social cred or “rizz” with sexual conquests, and girls are led into a “reputation” that is not so forgiving.
I have my moral code and understanding of what I believe now around sexuality, which is why I believe in an organization like the Cupcake Girls: Support, love, non-judgment, and resources no matter what.
I am attempting to raise feminist boys. I’m not sure I’m winning against the culture; social media, especially young men who post on youtube, are loud, both literally and figuratively, and are a lot of times on their way to being incels. (involuntary celibates). How do our boys even have a chance, and what does this do to our girls? How do we adjust our Western Christian worldview to find humanity, not rid us of the worldview, but adjust…I think it needs a little adjusting.
[2] https://www.the401stprophet.com/a-synopsis-of-dominion-by-tom-holland#_ftn15
[3] Holland, Tom. Dominion: How the Christian Revolution Remade the World. (New York, Hachette Group, 2019) pg. 317
About the Author
Jana Dluehosh
Jana serves as a Spiritual Care Supervisor for Signature Hospice in Portland, OR. She chairs the corporate Diversity, Equity, Inclusion and Belonging committee as well as presents and consults with chronically ill patients on addressing Quality of Life versus and alongside Medical treatment. She has trained as a World Religions and Enneagram Spiritual Director through an Anam Cara apprenticeship through the Sacred Art of Living center in Bend, OR. Jana utilizes a Celtic Spirituality approach toward life as a way to find common ground with diverse populations and faith traditions. She has mentored nursing students for several years at the University of Portland in a class called Theological Perspectives on Suffering and Death, and has taught in the Graduate Counseling program at Portland Seminary in the Trauma Certificate program on Grief.13 responses to “The Paradox of Being a Girl”
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How long have you been invovled in ministering to the needs of those in the sex industry through the Cupcake Girls? What an opportunity to bring healing. Thank you Jana!!!! In our area we have a group of nuns that stand on the streets of our city at night near a strip club and offer cookies to people passing by. You mentioned that you are raising feminist boys, In what ways are you intentionally raising feminist boys?
Hi Cathy,
I volunteered for a few years and then just ran out of cupcake baking time. I have spoken to the volunteers and done some self care work and I directly support the Director as she is now a friend. I still believe deeply in this program and it’s missional stance.
Sigh. If only I was still a temptress but at almost 50 years old, I’m afraid our sexist culture does not allow me to fill that role.
I’M KIDDING. Mostly.
So, yeah, my boys are hugely influenced by social media and culture because I’m a lazy mom, BUT, I think my feminist ways may have won them over. On election night my middle son called me to “check on me” because the results were going towards Trump. He wanted to make sure I was okay because he knew I’d be upset. His girlfriend had called him crying and he was concerned about the two of us. I feel like that was a parenting win. My youngest son also checked in on his girlfriend and stood up for her and some of her friends to his sexist friends (boys being boys…ugh). At least that’s what the girlfriend’s mom told me.
My boys roll their eyes at me any time I get on my feminist soap box but when I hear about how they are actually living their lives it seems they might be listening…at least to some of my rants! (Perhaps I should not call them rants because really, they are simply protests about the patriarchal culture!)
I love that your boys checked on you. Mine are still in a “figuring this all out” stage and it has led to good conversations, especially with my 15 year old who I think is friends with a lot of kids who seem to be from homes who voted differently. It is a constant battle to be voices of reason amidst social media. But it’s a worthwhile battle. Glad you are reaping some of the rewards.
Hi Jana,
Thank you for another enlightening and thought-provoking post. The mission you’re involved with sounds so amazing!
You asked a great question, “How do our boys even have a chance, and what does this do to our girls?” The purity culture didn’t really address the issue and made things worse by increasing shame. What do you think the church needs to do to help young people and parents navigate the impact?
Have a wonderful Christmas!
Honestly, I think we all have to be open to talking about it and not making certain topics taboo. That’s the cost of purity culture, is that we hide in shame, which I think is what leads to a lot of the “falling” our church leaders fall into. Helping our children navigate what they are hearing in mainstream culture and critically think about it for themselves which means we need to be willing to go there…..without judgement. Just my intital thoughts
Your statement, “boys will be boys” caught me off guard. I’ve heard it a thousand times (thankfully I’ve never used it as an exuse for me or anyone else), but I never thought about the fact that I have never heard “girls will be girls”.
Your post really connected me to the heart of Dominion: The very fact that we hate a toxically-masculine culture and want better for our boys (and girls) points to a faith that calls us to do better (even though so many throughout history, including today, have twisted that faith to justify what it never intended).
You always make me think. I’ve really appreciated being in your peer group because you’ve taught me quite a bit. Thanks for being willing to speak the truth in love.
Let’s get this thing done!!!
Yes…we can do it!
Thank you for seeing me Tim, for encouraging me, for giving me hope in belief! So excited to read your book!
Jana,
I am so thankful for your voice in our cohort. I have a friend who started a ministry similar to the Cupcake Girls called One at the Well about 8 years ago. What an incredible impact this type of ministry has in a very dark place where women are thought of as hopeless.
Your post has me revisit how we view others.Jesus saw into the depth of a person’s soul on so many levels, extending love and grace to the marginalized and yet he did not mince words with the prideful religious. The religious of the day’s responses showed that it is much harder to change fixed mindsets.
All that to say, even though it is hard work for parents to be counter-cultural, the nurturing of a different mindset within the upcoming generations is where the “adjustment” can take root and slowly shift society. Kudos to you for your tenacity as a mom!
Thank you Esther! I have so appreciated your voice as well. I am so thankful to have been on this journey with you!
You have always had such a wonderful ability to show us the faces of humanity. I love that about you. You take lofty thoughts and bring them down the person in front of us.
Jana – you are a gift!
I have benefited so much from this journey with you and our peer group.
Grace & Peace to you my friend.
You too John. As a fellow 7, I appreciate the Joy you brought to this learning journey! I would’ve been miserable, absolutely miserable if it was all deep, and serious, and studious! Thank God for you and your humor!
Hi Jana,
When reading your post this week, I found it honest yet meaningful. You found relevance in this week’s reading (which is not light) to the complexities of ministry and life that you have encountered and perhaps experienced. However, I admire your straightforward yet critical style.
You wrote, “This is the freedom to express love, concern, and prayer over a couple. I know I struggle, and will probably always struggle with, religion and most of the violent ways it has gotten us here as described in this book, but what I have not lost is faith. I believe God is moving on this beautiful earth she created, and faith asks where I am in that movement.”
In our encounters through our peer groups and cohorts, I am incredibly grateful to God for bringing you into my life. I learn from your critical eye toward the church and pastors and discover how to improve myself and my ministry. I also found that your heart is interested in serving those who may be overlooked in church ministry through your role and responsibilities. I believe that is where God sent and placed you in His beautiful design to inspire and bless many people. May God continue His blessings to you and your family.