Digital Dependence We Can’t Ignore
Nothing incites panic quite like realizing your phone is missing.
While driving through a narrow street in our neighborhood, Kari hopped out of the car to help direct me through. Somewhere between exiting the car and stepping into her role as traffic guide, her phone slipped from her lap and disappeared into the sand. Neither of us noticed.
Minutes later, as we drove away blissfully unaware, the realization hit. Cue the frantic U-turn, the desperate car search, and the slow, sinking dread in my stomach. This could ruin our night.
But then, a miracle: a kind local found the abandoned phone and somehow connected it to the “Toubabs”[1] now scouring the roadside. He handed it over, crisis averted, and just like that, the world was right again.
This experience got me thinking. The panic over a lost phone feels personal, but it points to something larger: our deep dependence on digital technology. In The Anxious Generation, Jonathan Haidt examines the harmful impact of i-culture—the pervasive influence of smartphones and social media—on Gen Z. He pinpoints a pivotal shift between 2010 and 2015, a period he terms the Great Rewiring of Childhood, during which digital immersion profoundly altered social development, mental health, and overall well-being. Haidt’s concerns are echoed by other researchers, including Mari K. Swingle, who warns in i-Minds, “For children, adolescents, and youth, excessive usage of digital media is now highly associated with learning disabilities, emotional dysregulation, as well as conduct or behavioral disorders.”[2]
Haidt argues that two key trends have driven the rise of an increasingly anxious generation: overprotection in the real world and underprotection in the virtual world.[3] He emphasizes that free play, attunement, and social learning are essential for a healthy childhood. Haidt writes, “The human transition from child to adult depends in part on getting the right kinds of experiences at the right time to guide the rapid rewiring of the adolescent brain.”[4]
Similarly, Gabor Maté highlights the critical role of these experiences in childhood development and laments their decline in modern society. He warns, “Free play is one of the ‘irreducible needs’ of childhood, and it’s being sacrificed to both consumerism and the digital culture.”[5] Haidt and Maté highlight the urgency of restoring these fundamental elements before their absence takes an even more significant toll.
Building on these insights, Swingle raises a pressing question about the neurological effects of digital culture: But what has this done to our brains? The short answer, she explains, is overstimulation. Digital immersion keeps the nervous system in a constant state of arousal, impairing self-regulation and fueling anxiety in today’s youth. [6]
This anxiety is now visible in Gen Z college students. Concerning this, Haidt highlights two distinct mindsets: Discover mode (BAS) and Defend mode (BIS). Discover mode thinks, “Let me grow!” while Defend mode insists, “Keep me safe!”—a tension between exploration and protection.[7] This tension between growth and protection mirrors Maté’s argument that humans can’t simultaneously exist in growth and defensive modes. When children become overly guarded, they lose their sense of possibility and connection to the world.[8]Haidt illustrates this shift by contrasting millennials, who entered college in discover mode, with Gen Z students, who arrived in defend mode. He notes that ideas and speakers that were once uncontroversial in 2010 were suddenly deemed harmful, dangerous, or traumatizing by 2015 [for Gen Z]. [9]
Haidt’s mindsets align closely with Carol Dweck’s fixed versus growth mindsets concept. While Dweck’s research primarily focuses on adults, its implications also extend to younger generations. Dweck explains, “The fixed-mindset leaders were, in the end, full of bitterness, but the growth-minded leaders were full of gratitude.”[10] Those with a fixed mindset—driven by a need for validation and a fear of failure—tend to suppress curiosity and meaningful debate, often leading to groupthink rather than intellectual growth.
Breaking free from this mindset is crucial, even if it feels uncomfortable. The real question is: How can we help children escape a fixed, defense mode shaped by excessive exposure to digital technology?
The first step is to examine our relationship with technology as adults. Haidt emphasizes that free play, attunement, and social learning are essential for a healthy childhood. If these elements are crucial for children’s well-being, shouldn’t a similar balance also be vital for adults? Maté writes, “Children’s sense of security, trust in the world, interrelationships with others, and, above all, connection to their authentic emotions hinge on the consistent availability of attuned, non-stressed, and emotionally reliable caregivers. The more stressed or distracted the latter, the shakier the emotional architecture of the child’s mind will be.”[11]
This reality demands deeper reflection on our choices—individually and as a society. How are we modeling our relationship with technology for the next generation? Are we teaching them to depend on it unquestioningly, or are we equipping them to engage with it critically, fostering balance and intentionality? The truth is the tools we use don’t control us—unless we allow them to.
Reflecting on the panic of losing a phone, it’s easy to think, “I can’t lose my phone—my entire life is on it.” But then I ask myself: Am I storing my ‘life’ in the wrong place?
Haidt’s concerns about children and their relationship with i-tech are far from isolated. Alongside him, experts like Swingle and Maté warn of the profound impact this pervasive connection has—not only on the mental health and development of younger generations but also on the well-being of adults. Swingle urges readers to “rise in arms,” not against the i-tech industry itself, but against our own blind acceptance, complacency, and the false belief that, as consumers, we are powerless.[12]
We are responsible for reclaiming intentionality and using technology to nurture our well-being and future generations.
[1] “Toubab” is a term used in West and Central Africa to describe people of European descent or visibly white foreigners. It can also refer to any traveler, especially those perceived to be different.
[2] Mari K. Swingle, i-Minds: How and Why Constant Connectivity Is Rewiring Our Brains and What to Do About It, 2nd ed. (Gabriola Island, BC: New Society Publishers, 2019), 4, Kindle.
[3] Jonathan Haidt, The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness (New York: Penguin Publishing Group, 2024), 9, Kindle.
[4] Jonathan Haidt, The Anxious Generation, 9, Kindle.
[5] Gabor Maté, The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture (New York: Penguin Publishing Group, 2022), 194, Kindle.
[6] Mari K. Swingle, i-Minds, 5, Kindle.
[7] Jonathan Haidt, The Anxious Generation, 9, Kindle.
[8] Gabor Maté, The Myth of Normal, 186, Kindle.
[9] Jonathan Haidt, The Anxious Generation, 9, Kindle.
[10] Carol S. Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success (New York: Random House Publishing Group, Kindle Edition, 2006), 132, Kindle.
[11] Gabor Maté, The Myth of Normal, 126, Kindle.
[12] Mari K. Swingle, i-Minds, intro, Kindle.
About the Author
Elysse Burns
18 responses to “Digital Dependence We Can’t Ignore”
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Elysse,
Thanks for the post. I appreciate your story of the lost phone and your reflection “Reflecting on the panic of losing a phone, it’s easy to think, ‘I can’t lose my phone—my entire life is on it.’ But then I ask myself: Am I storing my ‘life’ in the wrong place?” I think I might have replied to Kari telling the story of the woman who fell into the pit toilet trying to retrieve her phone that fell. That is desperation, but at the same time, society is essentially forcing us to depend on them. Last spring I accidentally left my cell phone at work on a Thursday night, which is just over an hour away. I work from home Mondays and Fridays, so I would be without my phone for 4 days. No big deal, except that I could not log into my GFU account because of 2 factor authentication.
How easy would it be for you to go without your phone for 4 days and continue to engage in your day-to-day routine?
I ask this in relation to your statement “Swingle urges readers to “rise in arms,” not against the i-tech industry itself, but against our own blind acceptance, complacency, and the false belief that, as consumers, we are powerless.” If Swingle believes we are not powerless, what do we do so that we do not have to have a cell phone with us to engage in our day-to-day routines when companies and organizations essentially require it of us?
Hi Jeff and Elysse – I think you have hit the nail on the head. This is the problem – we are so interconnected with our phones that we cannot do other things without our phones. We can’t log into GFU and a directionally challenged person like myself can’t get from point A to point B. I use my phone to get access to my gym, to pay for groceries, and to access my calendar that organizes my very busy schedule.
How do we become less dependent on our devices when they also make our lives so much easier?
Hi Christy, You ask a great question. Because of where I live, I feel very behind regarding interconnection. However, for the past two years, the government has cut data for one reason or another, the most extended cut being a little over one month. It can be stressful. I remember being pulled over by the police and falsely accused of running a red light. I was told I would have to go to the main office to pay for the ticket and then return to retrieve my license and car registration. Because of the internet cut, I felt so powerless because I was unable to connect to WhatsApp to call friends who could come help me. I tell that long story to say there is a sense of powerlessness when we are not interconnected. However, this way of thinking is not accurate. There is always an alternative. Something I mentioned to Jeff is the idea of margin. Do we allow ourselves enough margin and flexibility to exist without a phone for a few hours or days? Do we have strong enough in-person relationships to make our presence known even without being connected? I don’t think there is any harm in using technology to make things “easier.” Still, I believe it is essential to organize our lives so we can manage the event of being disconnected.
Hi Jeff, You ask a great question, and you are right. Institutions essentially require regular technology use. Is there an alternative to two-step verification? Perhaps IT could disable this feature upon request? I know I am regularly frustrated with this feature. Concerning reclaiming our “power,” I refer to Karise Hutchinson and her ideas about margin in our lives. Have we allowed ourselves enough margin that forgetting a smartphone somewhere for a few days will not be detrimental to us? Do we have enough in-person relationships that if we aren’t connected for a few days, people will know we are not missing or dead? These are questions I ask myself.
Hi Elysse, Fully accepting that as adults our experience with social media is different than it is for developing children. However, my question is do you think adults experience some of the problems of excess smartphone use such as sleeplessness, attention fragmentation, social deprivation, and addition? I sometimes think some people I know in their early 20s are still pretty locked in – although they are in that generation Haidt highlights. Thoughts?
Hi Diane, You ask a great question. I did some supplemental reading on the subject and came across Mari K. Swingle’s “i-Minds.” She writes, “For adults, [digital media usage] is highly correlated with anxiety, depression, sexual dysfunction and sexual deviation, insomnia, social isolation, disaffected pair bonding, marital conflict, and compromised work performance.” It seems adults struggle with symptoms that are very similar to those of children regarding excessive digital media usage.
HI Elysse, so true about the panic when I cannot find my phone.
How does Jonathan Haidt’s concept of “Discover mode” and “Defend mode” explain the mindset shift from millennials to Gen Z?
Hi Shela, Thank you for the question. Haidt presents “discover mode” as a state where we are actively looking for opportunities and open to new experiences. In contrast, those in “defend mode” are constantly scanning for threats. As Haidt writes, “For people with chronic anxiety, defend mode is chronically activated.” Discover mode fosters learning and growth, while defend mode tends to hinder both.
I don’t think these modes necessarily explain the shift between millennials and Gen Z, but rather highlight the negative impacts that have come with it. The shift seems more tied to external factors—such as technology and social dynamics—than simply the modes themselves.
Elysse, I know the feeling of losing a phone. Just did that last week In Alabama. I was so frantic for 5 minutes and when I realized it was lost I was at peace. I went a whole week without it and survived with no anxiousness. You ask a question: how are we modeling our relationship with technology for the next generation? What are 2 things you would implement?
Hi Daren, You raise an important point. I want to be intentional about modeling presence and genuine engagement with the younger generation. One example that comes to mind is a friend’s young daughter, who enjoys going out for coffee with us. However, when I reflect on these outings, I realize that she was often left out of the conversation. I regret to say that, in those moments, she may have felt invisible, resorting to watching YouTube on her mom’s phone instead.
Going forward, I want to change that dynamic. My two key commitments are:
Modeling presence – Being fully engaged in the moment, setting aside distractions, and showing younger people what it looks like to truly connect.
Making young people feel seen and heard – Inviting them into conversations, valuing their thoughts, and making space for their voices.
And, of course, both of these happen without a phone in hand.
Thanks, Elysse. Great blog. You wrote, “This reality demands deeper reflection on our choices—individually and as a society. How are we modeling our relationship with technology for the next generation? Are we teaching them to depend on it unquestioningly, or are we equipping them to engage with it critically, fostering balance and intentionality? The truth is the tools we use don’t control us—unless we allow them to.”
This is definitely a challenging thing to do because it requires awareness, intentionality and discipline. What are some of the ways that you have practiced this? What has worked for you or hasn’t?
Hi Graham, I started noticing an unhealthy pattern in the way I scrolled through YouTube videos—especially at night. I would waste so much time mindlessly watching, just wanting to “check out.” The worst part? This habit often led to staying up far too late, and if I woke up in the middle of the night, I’d reach for my phone again.
At one point, I had to ask myself a hard question: If I were to suddenly die and find myself face-to-face with Jesus, would I want my last moments to be spent watching cat videos? Absolutely not.
That realization pushed me to change. I still watch YouTube, but I’ve set boundaries—I no longer scroll late at night, in the middle of the night, or first thing in the morning. Instead, I’m working on making those moments intentional. Now, I choose to pray briefly, read a physical book (usually fiction), or simply embrace the quiet.
With how easy it is to overconsume digital media, it’s easy to forget the sacredness of sleep and waking up. But I don’t want to take those moments for granted anymore.
Elysse, excellent analysis, thank you. I could go in many directions to prod you further, but let me just go here: How much of our identity is wrapped up in our phones? Do you think that is why we (I put myself in this category too) become frantic when the phone is lost? Or is it more of a fear of loss of connection? Or some combination of both?
I also liked how you brought in Discover and Defend modes and tied them to Dweck’s mindsets. When you’re holding your phone in your hand, is your automatic mode Discover or Defend?
Hi Debbie, You ask some excellent questions. In response to Graham’s question, I admitted that I’ve been working on breaking some unhealthy YouTube scrolling habits. I wasted so much time. While I often used YouTube to “check out,” I found value in news updates, vlogs, and perspectives from people with similar views and beliefs.
Reflecting on my habits, I realize that my deeper fear isn’t disconnection from digital media—it’s a loss of connection with the world. I don’t just want to stay informed about events; I want to understand how people are experiencing them on a personal level. This feels especially true when it comes to the United States. Living in Mauritania, I often feel distant from everything happening back home.
Ideally, I’d like to believe that I’m in discover mode when I pick up my phone. But I’ve noticed that on tough days if I receive a triggering text or email, I can quickly shift into defend mode. That’s something I’ve been actively working on. I’ve learned that a delayed response is almost always better than a curt, reactive one. And just as importantly, I don’t have to step into other people’s chaos.
Elysse, I appreciate the way you reflect on the panic of losing a phone and use it as a metaphor for our deep digital dependence, I can absolutely relate! Haidt, Swingle, and Maté collectively argue that this dependence has rewired childhood, compromised mental health, and shifted society from discover mode to defend mode.
Given that both children and adults are now entangled in this digital web, what practical steps can we take to reclaim intentionality in our tech use? Beyond limiting screen time, how can we model a healthier digital balance for the next generation? Should we focus on individual discipline, broader societal reforms, or both?
Hi Chad, You ask some great questions. In my own life, I’ve realized just how much time can be wasted mindlessly scrolling. I don’t have social media, but I am a recovering YouTube junkie. I watched YouTube right before bed and would often scroll through videos if I woke up in the middle of the night—definitely not a healthy habit.
When it comes to intentionality and balance, I think it’s important to recognize the sacredness of things like restful sleep and waking up well. These are gifts from God, yet they can easily be taken for granted when our moments are filled with cat videos and SNL sketches. As adults, we need to embrace the value of things like sleep and model that understanding for younger generations.
I really appreciated how, in your blog, you emphasized the importance of parenting training offered by the church. I do think some people simply don’t know what they haven’t been taught. While I see the value of social reforms, I also believe that when families are healthy and connected to a strong community, some of those reforms might not even be necessary.
As a single woman, my primary focus has been on individual discipleship, but I’ve been reflecting on how to bring other singles along for the journey.
Hi, Elysse, thank you for the great introduction. I can just imagine how Kari will take command of the traffic. I have found myself in that situation several times. Going to work and making U-turns because I had forgotten my phone. I am in total agreement with your last sentence that “We are responsible for reclaiming intentionality and using technology to nurture our well-being and future generations.” Technology is to be used for our advantage. Thank you, Elysse, especially for that introduction!
Thank you for your kind comment, Noel!