The Languages of Emotional Intelligence
On our very first date with my husband, Willy brought with him an emotional intelligence test (yes, it’s true. He tested my EQ on our first date). Within the first hour of our first-ever meeting, he explained to me the Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, and then promptly asked me to guess his top two love languages. What followed was my first prayer of the relationship, and God answered it. Somehow I managed to guess them correctly and earned myself into a second date.
In many ways I admire my husband who chooses carefully who he spends his time with, not just in personal relationships, but also in his work environment. Whenever he goes through the process of employing someone new, all final applicants are put through several tests including MBTI and IP assessments. He understands well the importance of emotional intelligence and competencies in the workplace.
Although EQ was initially invented by David McClelland, it was popularised by Daniel Goleman, founder of the Hay Group. In his book, Working with Emotional Intelligence, Goleman sets out a framework of emotional intelligence that reflects how an individual’s potential for mastering the skills of Self-Awareness, Self-Management, Social Awareness, and Relationship Management translates into on-the-job success. According to Goleman, an emotional competence is “a learned capability based on emotional intelligence that results in outstanding performance at work” [1] (Goleman, 1998b). For Goleman, emotional intelligence ability does not necessarily translate into emotional competencies. Emotional competencies are job skills that can, and indeed must, be learned as the following table illustrates.
Framework of emotional competencies [2]
| Self Personal Competence | OtherSocial Competence | |
|
Recognition
|
Self-Awareness
– Emotional self-awareness – Accurate self-assessment – Self-confidence
|
Social Awareness
– Empathy – Organizational awareness
|
|
Regulation
|
Self-Management
– Self-control – Adaptability – Initiative
|
Relationship Management
– Developing others – Leadership – Change catalyst
|
Given the statistical fact that a significant of people quit their jobs due to poor working relationship with their boss, EQ and the ‘internal theater’ that De Vries talks about, is something not to be ignored. As De Vries writes, “[EQ] means being realistic about self and others, accepting humanity with all its varied dimensions, and using emotions appropriately. And the rewards for emotional intelligence are great: having a high EQ leads to more appropriate decision making, contributes to greater realism in interactions with others, and prevents disappointments in relationships.” [3] In other words, EQ focuses on the need to understand how people and organizations behave, about how to create relationships, build commitment, and adapt one’s behavior to lead in a creative and motivating way.
According to De Vries (and worth noting), some of the competencies that are most crucial to leadership effectiveness include:
- Surgency – people who have a more assertive character.
- Sociability – people with considerable social skills
- Receptivity – those who are open to new ideas and experiences
- Agreeableness – leaders who are cooperative, flexible and likeable
- Dependability – Conscientious individuals who are reliable and follow through
- Analytical intelligence – Most effective leaders possess more than average analytical intelligence
- Emotional intelligence – Successful leaders know how to manage their emotions and read the emotions of others. [4]
It really is all about human behaviour. Since our first date, self-awareness and emotional intelligence are two subjects that we have talked about considerably as both our jobs revolve around developing people. The Leadership Mystique has enabled me to realise that although I think I may possess emotional intelligence ability, it does not necessarily translate into emotional intelligence competencies. It’s left me thinking, what EQ competencies do I need to work on? Something, no doubt, my husband will have something to say on!
[1] Daniel Goleman, Working With Emotional Intelligence (New York, NY: Random House, 1998).
[2] Daniel Goleman, An EI-Based Theory of Performance From the book The Emotionally Intelligent Workplace, 2 (Consortium for Research on Emotional Intelligence in Organizations). Accessed 23rd October 2014 at http://www.eiconsortium.org/pdf/an_ei_based_theory_of_performance.pdf
[3] Manfred Kets De Vries, The Leadership Mystique: Leading Behavior In The Human Enterprise (Harlow, UK: Prentice Hall, 2006), 34
[4] De Vries, 172-3
10 responses to “The Languages of Emotional Intelligence”
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Liz,
Thanks for your post.
I found this especially important toward the end, “The Leadership Mystique has enabled me to realise that although I think I may possess emotional intelligence ability, it does not necessarily translate into emotional intelligence competencies.”
So many people confound possibility with actuality. It reminds me of the story about the owl and the frog at the beginning of this text. An idea is essential, but so is the implementation. Ability has to be honed through practice into competency.
To use a cheesy analogy that I think at least translates, we might have a great sound system (potential), but to really make it resound we have to constantly be adjusting the EQ (implementation). 🙂
Hi Clint
Thank you for your feedback. Yes, realising that EQ ability does not equate to EQ competency was quite an eye opener. I have a sneaky suspicion that you’re probably already pretty competent in this area though Clint 🙂
I wonder, what would you consider to be some of the more important EQ competencies in leadership? And perhaps some of the hardest to learn?
Liz, thanks for the wonderful story about Willy…what a guy. I would like to hear more about that first date. I found this book very insightful and (as my post relates) very true in my experience. Much of my ministry experience was trying to figure out people…and then how I could in some way bless and encourage them without being sucked into their dysfunctional ways. You stated so well: “EQ focuses on the need to understand how people and organizations behave, about how to create relationships, build commitment, and adapt one’s behavior to lead in a creative and motivating way.”
I can’t think of a better definition for what a minister does in the lives of those whom God has given them to serve. Though it sounds simple, it is truly the hardest and messes processes that only the few, the brave, the slightly crazy are willing to go through…but isn’t that what Jesus did with us? Thanks for your important insights.
Hi John
Thank you so much for your feedback. Sounds like you’ve had a lot of experience in this area. For sure, ministry requires that we become competent in EQ. I think the one thing that has been most surprising this year is the diversity in individuals. Some are so ‘together’, yet there are others who surprise you with their issues. Ministry takes a lot of grace, doesn’t it? It’s such a privilege being around so many people in our cohort who are such wonderful examples of such grace. Such a blessing to be part of George Fox.
Wow Liz! On the first date Willy brought a EQ test! Oh man! This is the first I have ever heard of this. Ha!!
Great review of EQ. I know that I will eventually get into this subject a lot more through my study of CQ. I appreciate the intro that you have given here.
You say that EQ is knowing how to manage your own emotions and read the emotions of others. It would be well to have this “intelligence functioning in our marriages and families.
In line with EQ I believe Manfred said it well when he started out his book with, “I’m interested in the chemistry of one person with another, especially in the ways that leaders affect the lives of those working (and living) with them.”
We will see you soon!
You two with your EQ’s, CQ’s, and high IQ’s! 🙂
Hi Mitch,
Lol, yes I know it was quite a first date, but I must say, I was very impressed by that 🙂
You mentioned about bringing EQ competencies into marriage and families. I think this is something that is largely ignored, yet it’s SO needed. I wonder how many marriages could be saved if people were taught how to understand each other better. Could make such a huge difference.
Liz! Who knew?! Willy brought his A game to the first date! Wow! I am very impressed. What would our relationships in the world look like if we were so transparent, honest, and authentic?
This, though, may be my favorite quote from your post:
“The Leadership Mystique has enabled me to realise that although I think I may possess emotional intelligence ability, it does not necessarily translate into emotional intelligence competencies. It’s left me thinking, what EQ competencies do I need to work on?”
How true is this, Liz? With all of our knowledge from schooling, seminary, books, experience with congregations, and more, how much knowledge to we possess? And then how much of that knowledge and ability jumps to practicality and action?
Hi Ashley,
Oh my, you’re so right! Knowledge and study does not necessarily equate to practicality and action. It’s sad to say but much of what I studied at bible college all those years ago was not that useful in ministry.
What did you find most useful in the text we studied this week?
Liz, this has been one of my more favorite books. The mere fact that it focused on relationships and practice instead of theory enticed me. I enjoyed the practicality of the self-assessments. In the end, I was caused to look more inside myself and there my short-coming glared back at me!