Mother Wounds, System Dysfunction and Misunderstanding Sex
About eight years ago one of my staff team, who I still employ, made me a T shirt that said in big bold black words, ‘I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER’. Why did she do that? Because as a woman leader it can be what happens., just like for male leaders and father wounds. It is a privilege that I don’t take lightly, but the subsequent way that they can then interact can depend on their subconscious bias of deeply rooted mother wounds that they may even cognitively deny. Subconscious bias is a theme within Duffy’s book[1]. I’ve been a bit of a martyr in my life so far, always putting others first and not defending myself, but I’m in year 2 of this chapter of having personal therapy which is a requirement for my professional regulation to stay a registered psychotherapist (interestingly enough it’s not as a psychologist). My therapy process is enabling me to now assert that I have been the focus of a lot of unjust projections that are nothing to do with me but suddenly become about me, including death threats and other reactions usually due to insecurity from others. I am tired of it. The issue is that we know ‘people tend to surround themselves with people like themselves and over time, they tend to mimic each other’s behaviour.’[2] The power of agreement can enable people to believe that they must be right rather than acknowledging that, ‘it is possible to become more aware of the realities on which our decisions rest.’ [3]
One of my current occupations is gathering a movement of people to challenge the current Global System around mental health that is deeply faulty. Sadly, I recognise the damage that ‘our misconceptions are wide, deep and long standing’ and one of them is causing a world-wide catastrophe that is rarely understood.[4] An increasing number of people across the world are being diagnosed and medicated by professionals for NORMAL symptoms of distress. The bio medical model of mental health is causing a catastrophic break down of the work force, breakdown of the education system and health system. This is because the understanding of trauma is not taught on any qualifying course to be a psychologist, psychiatrist, medical doctor, paediatrician, prison officers or in a court of law. I have trained 40,000 professionals in 32 nations and here are two colleagues’ comments on their horror of what they did not know. An educational psychologist who I have trained states in my latest book that ‘Educational Psychologists have not had specific training in trauma but will have an in-depth understanding attachment and child development theory. There are very few EPs who have completed training in trauma recovery.’[5] Sadly paediatricians who also diagnose children have a similar training pathway explain that ‘while our training equips us well to diagnose and respond to many health needs, training in psychological trauma and the amazing things children’s brains and bodies do to navigate fear and survive remains inadequate and patchy.’ [6] There is a basic lack of understanding of the reality that this truth is rarely understood, leading to so much pain and increased trauma but helping people understand is hard. Duffy expresses that ‘controlling misleading health information is even tougher, not least because it is complex, shifting and uncertain, and many sow doubt deliberately for their own purposes’ and commonly held beliefs about mental health are shocking to those of us who have specialised in it for decades.[7]
This deep misconception of who ‘the specialist is’ has broken down society with numbers of diagnosis rising and no answers being available to offer hope for healing and change. Neurodiversity is almost no longer diverse because it is statistically now shifting to becoming the norm. Signs of distress need to be acknowledged because colluding with systems that are broken is causing suicides, deaths, disaster and stress beyond that which we could have comprehended. Now I realise that I have done exactly what Duffy says by using fear to help explain the severity of the situation. He cites Mann, Hassol and Toles (2017) who say that ‘fear does not motivate, and appealing to it is often counterproductive as it tends to distance people from the problem, leading them to disengage, doubt and even dismiss it.’ [8] That’s why my latest book is boldly claiming to offer hope to see recovery from trauma normalised, in the face of the current depressing rise of hopelessness or lack of understanding of what trauma is and the impact of it.
Duffy has a chapter exploring sexual fantasies and my psychologist colleague and friend Elly Hanson spoke at my conference last week about sexual exploitation and the current statistics that evidence ‘75% of girls are anxious about sexual harassment, 1 in 20 British men have sexually offended against children (1 in 10 in the US), 37% of porn involved violence towards women.’[9] These trends have led to young people believing, things such as ‘sex is a transaction, males buy and females sell’ and ‘in sex or online, people are less real, they don’t have values, intelligence, difficult feelings that need to be respected, pain. They are half humans.’[10] In my view this is where the churches general historic culture of shame, judgement, oversimplification and silence around sex has led to a lack of understanding of how God created it to be and instead the ‘silence allows cliches and stereotypes to breed delusion’ where abuse is rising like in Elijahs day with the prophets of Baal. Duffy himself says ‘talking more about sex and sexuality, then, is a key approach to reduce our misperceptions.’ Psalm 89: 14 says ‘Righteousness and justice are the foundation of Your throne; Mercy and truth go before You.’[11] I believe it is time for those who follow Jesus to ‘cry aloud’ about the injustice of our times and ‘to break the chains of injustice, get rid of exploitation in the workplace, free the oppressed…’[12]
[1] Bobby Duffy. Why We are Wrong About Nearly Everything. Hatchette Books. 2018.11.
[2] Ibid.28.
[3] Ibid. 19.
[4] Ibid.7.
[5] Betsy de Thierry. The Trauma Recovery Handbook. JKP, Hatchette Books. 2025. 309
[6] Bobby Duffy. Why We are Wrong About Nearly Everything. 308.
[7] Ibid.47.
[8] Ibid. 204.
[9] Salter et al (in press); Global Action Plan (2024)
[10] Fiona Vera-Gray et al. (2021)
[11] Psalm 89:14. (NASB).
[12] Isaiah. 58:1,6-9. (The Message).
About the Author
Betsy
7 responses to “Mother Wounds, System Dysfunction and Misunderstanding Sex”
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Betsy,
Thank you for being willing to practice what you preach and starting the conversation around sex. Our church was able to start a teen pregnancy center about 25 years ago and recently assisted with its mobile unit that can reach rural areas, but there is so much more to be done!
You mention that 1:20 British men have offended children and 1:10 American men. Can you shed some insight on why that number is double in the US?
I love that you are helping that group of people Darren. That is so valuable.
Sadly the research hasn’t been published so I only got to hear from another researcher about the statistics which were on the powerpoint slides. I have so many questions and will be able to answer when it is published. Michael Salter is a leading figure in this field of sexual exploitation and abuse so always worth following.
Betsy –
I’ve been grateful that the schools around us are becoming more trauma-informed, but I have been surprised at how some have reacted to these approaches. I’m wondering if the negative reactions some have to being aware and responsive to the vulnerable is partly because of how this confronts their desired view of the world. How do you coach those you equip to manage the dissonance they might encounter, and help others as they do the same?
Jeremiah- I think a lot of trauma informed training currently has diluted the heart of the message and therefore is quite frustrating to those committed to teaching all children a specific subject. It can feel like a distraction from the role and almost an excuse for bad behaviour. Sadly there is no quality mark for trauma informed training globally or nationally and many of us have been speaking out our frustrations in the last 5 years as the message has spread widely but has also been diluted to be less meaningful.
Some professionals don’t want to have to confront the reality of trauma and can feel frustrated unless they can grasp the simple neurobiology and positive culture that can facilitate healthy communities for everyone- and then they usually show buy in.
Thank you, Betsy! I appreciate the helpfulness of simplicity and culture-building to invite engagement. I’m guessing both of those require a great deal of intentionality, but give a tangible path forward.
Betsy, Do you see a multi- disciplinary approach to trauma care that goes beyond therapy? I see this being done well education, but can there be healing from other sectors?
I am lucky to be part of organization that consistently trains in trauma- informed care, and this is for case managers, outreach teams and shelter managers who do not have backgrounds in psychology or counseling. There is such a lack of counselors and mental health professionals in my city, that there needs to be other avenues to find healing and wholeness. Though I personally have pastoral counseling training under my belt, I do not have the time or money to get all the hours in for mental health professional licensing. (I was looking into Doctorates in physiology or therapy but couldn’t find a program under $100, 000) I think this is the case for many Americans (not sure how it works over in England). So, all that to say, I am constantly looking to develop alternative ways to deal with all the trauma pain and disfunction out there. Have you seen other effective strategies?
Hi Jess. You’d make a great psychotherapist and that is awful how expensive it is! In the USA a Masters in psychotherapy or clinical psychology registers you as a doctor but it doesn’t in the UK.
My TRFM® has a pathway for non clinicians to facilitate. They are fully equipped to work with traumatised people to bring stability and emotional safety but not long term recovery of all the symptoms due to the nature of the subconscious. My latest book does parallel the medical model of first aiders, paramedics, nurses, doctors and surgeons to those who know how to offer relational safety, can offer psycho-education and longer term co-regulation and mentoring to those who can be a longer term safe place to hold a healing space and be able to confidently respond to emotional emergencies and then the trained, regulated psychotherapist is only needed for the ‘surgery’ which needs the additional training to avoid de stabilisation or re traumatisation. It’s a team around the traumatised person who all know their role and work well together. I also state its not higherarchical, like giving birth where the preference would be a midwife not a surgeon. But for processing the trauma, because it can cause destabilisation it needs to be someone with appropriate insurance, clinical supervision and training to tread carefully and know the signs. Arguably, no qualifying course that I am aware of (and I employ a lot of psychotherapist, psychologists and others so I get to see what they know in practice) prepares them to know how to facilitate recovery- only stabilisation.