The Inner Life Of A Leader And My NPO
In Leading Out of Who You Are, Simon Walker locates the development and response of the ego in how we experience trust in our most formative years.[1] Our experience of trust manifests in one of four ego types, all of which are unhealthy and require defending.[2] Thus the defended leader is always working out of an unhealthy ego. Walker has written a book that falls into the category of the inner life of a leader. It seems that he has been reading the journals of pastoral leaders. All this makes sense, as Walker is a former member of the clergy.
As I reflect on my own leadership experience, I can relate to the need to defend the self. I drank from the “Hero-Leader” stream for 17 years until I decided I could not do it anymore. I watched some of my friends burn out in ministry, and then one day I decided that I needed to resign. Rather than take my resignation, my board chair spoke wise and kind words to me. He said, “Graham, rather than resigning in tiredness and frustration, why don’t you take some time to get healthy? If you are going to resign, do it from a healthy place.” That night he went to bat for me in a board meeting and by the end of that night the board approved a 4-month sabbatical.
On my sabbatical, I retreated, shed the “hero cape”, and journeyed inward with Jesus. The Holy Spirit revealed my idols. He also revealed the roots of my unhealthy behavioural patterns of overworking, perfectionism and overperforming. I repented a lot. I walked a lot. I prayed a lot. I cried a lot. Wendy, my wife, and I had long talks about whether we wanted to go back to ministry, but we couldn’t shake the call that Jesus had put on our lives, so we stayed. Simon Walker would say, I went to the “backstage” of my life for nearly four months. I felt healthier. Afterwards, I returned to the same church, but I was different. Since that time, practices like sabbath, solitude, silence and listening to prayer have become crucial. These are hard for a person with an action bias who wants to live most of their life on the “front stage”. Walker says that managing the “front stage” and the “backstage” is one of the strategies of defence that leaders employ to defend the ego. The other two strategies, also highly relatable and applicable to me, are managing power and control to defend the self.
His solution, however, is not more ego management but ego transformation. He does not use that term, but I will. This person lives vulnerably and transparently. They do not need to defend themselves because they have found a relationship with Another whom they can trust explicitly and whom they can trust to defend them powerfully. Walker explains, “The idea of undefended leadership is that we are secured not by our skills and resources but by our attachment to another – one who is big enough not to be overwhelmed by our failures and weaknesses.”[3] The ability to locate my identity in Christ and live for one set of eyes has been transforming for me. It has been quite a journey but I think I have something to share, both from my experience and my research.
Now, as I have responsibility for leader development, I might have the opportunity to help younger leaders develop an undefended self. As I read Leading Out of Who You Are, I processed how it might inform the development of my NPO in these early stages. The problem I’ve identified and refined through a collaborative design process is, “The lack of collaborative practices by church leaders in my denomination diminishes both vision ownership and the participation of God’s people in his mission.” However, there are deeper roots in the lives of leaders that need to be addressed if we hope to see more leaders engaging in collaborative leadership.
First, through the Discovery Workshop, I found out that leaders did not collaborate because they did not want to appear weak. Collaborating on vision formation and direction would be perceived as a weakness or even a failure to deliver. The Discovery Workshop also revealed that most boards wanted a strong, charismatic leader who formed a vision, developed a strategy, and communicated it persuasively. One of my experts noted that most elder boards are made up of older men, many of whom are in the corporate world, and that they desire leaders to be more decisive and expert-like than collaborative. People are still drawn to leaders who appear to have it all together. Pastoral leaders and elder boards seem to desire those who perform on the front stage with either a “Shaping Leadership Ego” or a “Defining Leadership Ego”. These factors make it particularly difficult for a leader to appear weak through a more collaborative form of leadership.
Secondly, the Discovery Workshop also exposed that pastoral leaders felt that they might be threatened and even displaced if they collaborated with others. One expert also noted that pastors do not understand how much power they have and that they often want to locate power solely in one leader or a small leadership team. Walker notes, “…power becomes a liability unless it is handled carefully and knowingly and certain safety procedures are observed.”[4] For the leader to truly be undefended, Walker writes, “Leadership becomes a matter of energetically joining in a movement of life and love around us that is already in full flow. A matter of finding ways to encourage and cultivate the gifts of others.”[5] Leaders need to disperse power by empowering others, rather than centralizing power in a few decision makers.
Finally, the Discovery Workshop revealed that leaders didn’t want to collaborate because they wanted to control the direction of the organization and did not trust those who were not leaders to give input. Walker forthrightly says, “Control is one of the least acknowledged defences of the leader, and it is what often prevents them from working collaboratively with others. Collaboration always involves creating space for other people genuinely to express themselves.”[6] Undefended leaders are those who will give up control even though it’s not an easy thing to do.
Walker’s work dovetails nicely into the NPO that I’m working on. He reveals pastors lead “heroically” and non-collaboratively, in part, due to a defended ego. As I develop my NPO I need to make sure to pay attention to this dynamic in the lives of our leaders. Skill development is not enough. Leaders need a healthy ego if they are going to collaborate with, and empower, those they lead.
[1] Simon P. Walker, Leading Out Of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership, The Undefended Leader, Piquant Publishing. 2007.Kindle. Chapter 6.
[2] Walker. Kindle. Chapters 7-10
[3] Walker. Kindle. Chapter 11
[4] Walker. Kindle. Chapter 4
[5] Walker. Kindle. Chapter 12
[6] Walker. Kindle. Chapter 5
About the Author
Graham English
I was born in Cape Town, South Africa 30 minutes from Table Mountain, the Indian Ocean and the Atlantic Ocean. My family immigrated to Vancouver, Canada where I spent my teen years, met Wendy, and got married. We now live on the Canadian prairies in northern Alberta. I think God has a sense of humour. I'm a follower of Jesus, work in leadership and church development, love my family and walk a lot.16 responses to “The Inner Life Of A Leader And My NPO”
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Hi Graham,
I love the advice your board chair gave you, ”if you are going to resign, do it from a healthy place.” Thank you for sharing this phrase.
What practices have become crucial for you since your sabbatical, and how do they help you manage the “front stage” and “backstage” of your life?
Thanks, Shela. I have used listening prayer, journaling, sabbath, Lectio Divina and accountability in community. I try to have most of the backstage of my life open to a few trusted people and so that there are no secrets in my life.
Wow Graham phenomenal post. I appreciate your concept of the transforming ego and the way that vulnerability could shape better leaders in our churches. It seems like, from your NPO, that there is change needed, not just in the leadership life of a pastor, but in the job description and expectations that churches have for those pastors. How might this be achieved?
You are doing important work. Keep it up!
Ryan, yes, my research revealed that the expectations of churches and job descriptions need to be adjusted. As well, some of our structures actually encourage a heroic form of leadership.
This is a tough one. In my context, I work closely with a church development team that helps boards discern, do governance training, conduct searches and call new pastors. They are slowly shifting culture one conversation at a time.
Hi Graham, God used your post to speak to my heart, and I am so grateful, especially as I have struggled to organize my own thoughts about this blog and the topics that Walker writes about (my champion overthinker problem…again).
First off, I appreciate how you position yourself in a place of humility throughout the writing journey. Also, kudos to your church for offering a sabbatical as an alternative solution to resignation. That was an apparent act of their love for you as a person over and above any title you held. You are SO fortunate. Rarely can churches afford to do that.
But when you returned to a post-sabbatical church life, how did you maintain the refreshed liberation and connection to Jesus? Certainly, the same old problems were there to greet you at the door (i.e. spiritual battles). What crossroads did you choose to act differently on and why?
Secondly, the more blogs I read, the more I recognize the similarities of struggle shared across all faith systems because these are human problems. Do you think there would be any value in engaging leaders from other denominations/faith systems to inquire how they are addressing the primary issues of your NPO? You may notice my underlying theme of creating bridges beyond the usual relationships.
Bless you, in all that you do for the greater good.
Thanks, Jennifer. The sabbatical was a great gift. My elders were super supportive and I should have spoken with them before I hit a wall. I would advise churches to actually put a sabbatical policy into their staff policy manual if they don’t have one.
When I was on my sabbatical I meditated on and immersed myself in Psalm 23. It became a scripture that guided me as I re-engaged and well beyond this time. I am an activist, so I find things like solitude, silence and listening prayer really tough. However, these are the things I need on a regular basis to transform me.
I have not looked at other faith systems but am not opposed to it at all. Thanks for the suggestion.
Graham,
That’s quite intuitive of you to mention that Simon Walker might have read the journals of pastors. Since you led with that and described your sabbatical, how did that help you understand the need to shed the “hero cape” so you can be more vulnerable and approachable?
You mentioned including spiritual practices as being crucial. How often do you engage with those practices and how have they since shaped you as a leader?
It’s interesting that your Workshop uncovered some leadership characteristics that are countercultural to what Simon Walker has described. What other skills will you focus on to help younger leaders develop into being undefended?
Nancy, see my response to Jennifer. I think it answers your first question.
Secondly, we are developing a model of leadership development around Identity, Posture, and Skill. I think that the “identity” piece is critical for an undefended leader. We mandate that all leaders in the first five years participate in a Soul Care experience. In this they are lead through a process that affirms identity in Christ and helps lead them toward freedom in Christ. Freedom from sins, lies, shame, generational patters, wounds, spiritual bondage and demonic influence.
Great post Graham.
A couple of things stood out to me. First, “Since that time, practices like sabbath, solitude, silence, and listening to prayer have become crucial.” This is so darn important and sadly underutilized. Second is hearing from your Discovery workshop the amount of fear that leaders have. I can’t help but wonder where that comes from. Insecurity? Ego? Trauma? I don’t know,
Would love to know what your NPO states.
Thanks, Chris.
I think Walker would locate this fear in the self-focused ego that doesn’t have the unconditional love of Another.
I also wonder about other issues such as lies, spiritual bondage, generational sin patters.
To paraphrase Rom 8, the Spirit leads us out of fear and into the love of the Father. I also wonder of leaders need to experience more of God’s Spirit.
Thank you for this description of your NPO Graham. So many of the findings from your Discovery workshop resonate deeply with what Walker has written!
You say you have found, and your experts confirm, “First… I found out that leaders did not collaborate because they did not want to appear weak. Collaborating on vision formation and direction would be perceived as a weakness or even a failure to deliver… Secondly, the Discovery Workshop also exposed that pastoral leaders felt that they might be threatened and even displaced if they collaborated with others… Finally, the Discovery Workshop revealed that leaders didn’t want to collaborate because they wanted to control the direction of the organization and did not trust those who were not leaders to give input.”
You indicate that most Elder boards are made up of older men. Does that mean the rest of the board includes younger men and women of all ages? Or just younger men? It’s not clear from your post.
I may be jumping to a conclusion that you are looking only at male Elder boards. If so, please forgive me! But if that is accurate, with your permission, I’d like to add one other layer: what are the differences between the way men lead and the way women lead? When you look at the leadership competencies described by studies like this one https://hbr.org/2019/06/research-women-score-higher-than-men-in-most-leadership-skills women score slightly higher in collaboration (52.6 to 50.2) and higher in almost all the other measures.
I wonder what women on Elder boards could learn from men (such as confidence) and men from women (such as resilience and collaboration)? That would be a fascinating project too! Just think about how you could impact, influence, and change culture if your NPO brought that to the forefront! 🙂
All that being said, I’ll cheerfully step down from my soapbox (sorry about that… I went to a women’s college and it formed me pretty firmly), and congratulate you on looking at how leaders of any background tend to lead “heroically” in part because of a defended ego. We all do that.
I know it’s still early on in your NPO, but how do you think you might be able to help leaders work from a healthy, undefended ego?
No worries about the soapbox, Debbie. I am standing on the same one. I think my expert made this observation about male elder boards based on the traditional approach to eldership in many traditions. Our denomination has many churches that have egalitarian boards but probably 60-70% are complementarian. That’s my guestimate.
I think it might be helpful to look at these two different types of boards to see if there are differences in the way leadership is expressed. Thanks for the very thoughtful suggestion. Great stuff.
Thank you for your generous and gracious reply. 🙂
Graham, thank you for sharing about your courage to take a sabbatical and step back into ministry. The board chair offered you a lot of wisdom that I wish we saw more often in the ministry context.
I find it fascinating and sad that pastors view collaboration as a weakness. I look forward to hearing more about your NPO as it progresses. What would healthy collaboration look like in your context? I imagine you have a lot of ideas on the matter.
Thanks Elysse, I believe that healthy collaboration can look like senior leaders inviting the whole congregation into a period of discernment around vision formation. What if everyone in the church had the opportunity to speak into the larger dream? Realizing that not every voice will have it’s way but what if the dream that God deposits in the heart of every person could be heard by others in a process of communal discernment?
But I think it starts with the leader shedding the expert persona and creating a collaborative environment with the leadership team.
It could also look like utilizing Camacho’s approach with people. Rather than being the expert or mentor, leaders can choose to coach others.
There are lots of places to collaborate with the Holy Spirit and others.
Graham, thank you for your refreshing post. I look forward to seeing how God uses you to help develop and change your church leadership culture. It is not a surprise that most churches prefer pastors with a shaping or defining ego. What would it take to see more (healthy, undefended) adapter and defender types in these positions? I also wonder how that would change the collaboration level of pastors?