The English Teacher
Over the last few months, life has been pretty hard in our household. In fact, there was one point while in Washington D.C. that I almost had to catch a late-night flight and return home early. Navigating adoption trauma with our son has been harder on our whole family than I ever imagined it to be. His trauma, mixed with the onset of puberty and medication changes is the perfect trifecta against us or any semblance of peace in our home.
One of the things that I have noticed in the last few months with our son is that he feels constrained by his trauma and the diagnosed labels that are attached to him. These labels, while necessary for correct diagnosis and treatment, hold him back from flourishing. In this week’s reading by Carol Dweck, Mindset, she details the difference between this sort of fixed mindset and a growth mindset.[1] My son has been stuck in a fixed mindset, unwilling to see his potential and work through the challenges. As a renowned psychologist, she states, “In this book you’ll learn how a simple belief about yourself – a belief we discovered in our research -guides a large part of your life. In fact, it permeates every part of your life.”[2]
Using a variety of examples from athletics, corporations, and relationships, she explains how a growth mindset can open so much more potential as we learn to deal with setbacks, learn from them, and then chart a new course. My son is currently doing school from home, and I have had the chance to listen to his English teacher. His teacher is doing exactly what Dweck recommends and is helping my son see more potential in a subject he has never done well in. “Growth-mindset teachers tell students the truth and then give them the tools to close the gap.”[3]
One aspect of this book I kept waiting for was particularly how to change from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset. I kept thinking, “okay, this is good, but how?” She does offer some steps that seem too simplistic but maybe is all that truly is needed. “The first step is to embrace your fixed mindset.”[4] Then, “the second step is to become aware of your fixed-mindset triggers.”[5] She adds a few more simple steps, but can it really be that simple?
Best-selling author, James Clear seems to think it might be. In his book, Atomic Habits, he encourages people to establish new habits with very simple tools. One tool is to start doing something for only two minutes at a time. This alone will not change anything, but it does begin to set a different routine.[6] Another example Clear offers is to call yourself a runner, rather than just someone who runs every now and then. What we tell ourselves about ourselves can change the way we begin to think. Maybe it can even begin to change our fixed mindset from being a person who runs for thirty minutes to a growth mindset of being a runner.
Last semester, we read Shane Parrish and he too seems to believe that changing our mindsets can change who we become. “If you want better-than-average results, though, you’ll have to think clearly. And thinking clearly is thinking independently. Sometimes you must break free of the social default and do something differently from those around you.”[7] The social default for my son has been that he is not good at English. It is a hard subject and he has never had good grades in it. This has narrowed his mindset of how he is as a student. Yet, over the course of this semester with a positive English teacher focused on helping him reach a higher potential I am seeing the beginning stages of change.
My son loves to write rap music and so the English teacher has allowed him the freedom to express his raps in the poetry section of the class they are in. He encourages him and yet at the same time is making sure that he is following the same parameters as the rest of the class. This small act alone has lit a small fire for my son, and he is beginning to see the potential of his growth. Parrish writes, “You can think of first-level thinking as your today self and second-level thinking as your future self.”[8] The last few months, my son has been stuck in a rut thinking of his trauma and challenges.
But maybe, just maybe, he can jump to a second-level thinking, a growth mindset way of thinking, about who he might become.
Maybe, I realize that I have had a bit of a fixed mindset about my son and his potential.
Maybe I have been so drained of all energy that I have not had a growth mindset for him.
Maybe the Lord knew we needed the English teacher.
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[1] Carol Dweck, Mindset: Changing the Way You Think to Fulfil Your Potential, Revised edition (London: Robinson, 2017), 6–7.
[2] Dweck, ix.
[3] Dweck, 203.
[4] Dweck, 254.
[5] Dweck, 255.
[6] James Clear, Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones, First Edition (New York, New York: Avery, 2018).
[7] Shane Parrish, Clear Thinking: Turning Ordinary Moments into Extraordinary Results (New York, NY: Portfolio/Penguin, 2023), 26.
[8] Parrish, 140.
About the Author
Adam Cheney
I grew up in California, spent five years living along the beautiful coast of Kenya and now find myself working with refugees in the snow crusted tundra of Minnesota. My wife and I have seven children, four of whom have been adopted. I spend my time drinking lots of coffee, working in my garden, and baking sourdough bread.12 responses to “The English Teacher”
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Hey Adam. Thanks for your openness in your blog. We are continuing to pray for you and the family, especially your son. How has your son’s experience with his English teacher influenced your own perspective on adopting a growth mindset for him and others?
Glyn,
Honestly, I hear the teacher speaking to him and think that I don’t have the patience to facilitate this. (Ugh, seriously he just came into my office twice and interrupted this response…) I don’t think I have the patience and energy to facilitate the kind of responses his teacher is giving him. Thankfully, it takes a tribe…
Adam,
Thanks for the transparency of what you are facing. You have to love educators who allow creativity and out of the box thinking while still making sure all students are being treated fairly. Wondering if you could see King David rapping his psalms?
Wondering if this book helped your own mindset related to your NPO. Last week you wrote “How might I encourage and equip Christians to offer welcoming hospitality so that Somalis might begin to sit down at the table?” Are there any principles from this book that might help answer your question?
Jeff,
Good question to relay it back to last week’s blog. I am sure that my prototypes in some way will certainly reflect a growth mindset that Somalis and Christians have lessons to teach each other and that there is value in learning from the other.
Hi Adam, I am so glad your son is beginning to see some success and will be praying for your family and especially your son. Have you noticed a difference in how you respond to all your children based on the new awareness? Thanks for sharing a part of your journey.
Diane,
I think that I have always had more of a growth mindset for our other children. He has always been so hard that I have probably had more of a fixed mindset with him. With the other kids I am willing to let them figure out challenges and learn. For instance, this morning we have a broken car and I can’t drive our kids to school, nor can they drive to school as normal today. So, I told them to take the school bus, which they balked at. Well, they intentionally missed the bus. So, I told them they now have two options, they can call an Uber (which they have never done but are both seniors) or they can walk (it is 3 miles). After a lot of grumbling they changed their shoes and made it to school, only 30 minutes late.
Sounds like a Yay Dad moment to me.
Hi Adam, thank you for your post and I am praising God alongside you for his English teacher. I can empathize with the exhaustion that comes from parenting a child with significant trauma.
What beliefs do you want to embrace about your son that reflect a growth mindset in yourself?
Christy,
Yes, it can be a challenge and honestly so draining.
What do I want to embrace? I want to think that he is going to get through this difficult season without our family falling completely apart. I want to think that he will grow up to be the kind of man I know he can be rather than getting arrested for doing something stupid. I want to see him as I see his siblings rather than just a kid who confronts me on every-single-thing.
Hi Adam, This was a very well-done post. Thank you. I appreciated the way you tied in your personal life with Dweck, Clear, and Parrish. With all these challenges at home, in what areas have you seen yourself grow as you seek to see your family thrive? Can you pinpoint a moment(s) where you had a growth mindset concerning your son?
Adam, your transparency is heartwarming and hopefully cathartic. Given the circumstances in your home that likely other parents are experiencing, how can parents and caregivers actively support the transition from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset in children, especially when dealing with trauma or difficult personal challenges?
Adam, thank you for your post. When reflecting on your son’s journey toward developing a growth mindset, how do you believe your mindset as a parent has influenced his progress? What strategies have you found helpful in creating a more supportive and growth-oriented environment for both him and yourself?