The defining ego
Earlier in my career, I worked for a logistics company as the director of operations. We were responsible for moving expedited international and domestic cargo, with on-call service 24/7, including holidays. This line of work was exciting for people who enjoy problem solving. There was always a thrill when trying to find a solution to a tricky transportation problem. My favorite came when a customer needed a small part delivered to their factory because the line had gone down. They were losing thousands of dollars per hour, so they were desperate for a quick solution. The normal FedEx and UPS overnight deliveries would take too long and there were no more commercial flights that night. Instead, I chartered a plane to get the box in the air immediately. While the plane was in the air, I went to work on the ground transportation for the final delivery. In the middle of the night, drivers are hard to come by, and the only one I could get to pick up the phone was in a bad mood, understandably so. The normal rate for a delivery like this would have been $200, which seemed to be a pretty low incentive to get him out of bed. After he turned down the delivery, I offered to throw in $500 as a bonus if he would do the job. He quickly perked up and got it done with excellence. Everything was executed without a hitch and the customer saved thousands of dollars in the end.
This fast paced, high demand environment was difficult for the team. We loved the thrill, but having to take these sorts of calls in the middle of the night or at dinner can get really old really fast. The pressure to perform and find solutions for our clients was intense. Work life balance was tricky, and no one that I knew in the industry had it mastered. Many people cannot survive in this kind of environment, especially if they are lacking in what Simon Walker calls an undefended leader.[1] Unfortunately for the team I was leading, I was certainly lacking in leadership skills to promote healthy flourishing of the team.
Being an undefended leader, like Gandhi, Mother Teresa, and Jesus, is about leading out of the security and freedom from having nothing to lose, similar to how Edwin Friedman describes being a non-anxious presence in leadership. [2]
But in my case, I had a lot to lose. I had an image, reputation, and self-esteem all at stake.
In the first book of a trilogy, The Undefended Leader, Simon Walker describes how leaders defend themselves, the roots of the defended self, and secrets of the undefended leader. For the sake of this blog post, I am going to limit the content to the discussion on the Defining Leadership Ego [3], as this was one of my main personal shortcomings in leading the logistics team.
Those with a defining ego have a high level of trust in themselves, but a low level of trust in others. This defining ego is formed from a childhood, where the child learns that there is positive affirmation for doing good, and disapproval for doing bad. Over time, this can result in a high performer, one who is trying to win approval from others. Because of fear of failure, control is used to mitigate risk and delegation is only done when the risk of failure is low.
When I was with the logistics company, I eventually burned out. As my team and responsibilities grew, the fear of failure and search for approval also grew. I was a difficult person to be led by. I demanded near perfection and did not extend the same level of trust that was given to me. I cringe thinking back at how the posture towards my teammates was less than Christ-like.
There were more than one person that I let go that I wish I could go back and redo. Given another shot at leading them, I would be more patient, reject the notion that their failure is my failure, and lead out of a place of security and freedom.
While I cannot go back and redo my time at the logistics company, I can be an undefended leader now. I’d like to say that I am in recovery from leading out of a defining ego. It no longer defines me or my leadership, but the temptation is still there, and I certainly relapse from time to time.
How has your leadership ego changed over time?
About the Author
Christy
8 responses to “The defining ego”
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Hi Christy, I liked the use of your logistics work to talk about the message of the book. It made it real. Is there any one thing in the reading this week or others that brings the awareness of your leadership? What has caused it to change?
Thanks for your honest post Christy and self-assessment. You said in your conclusion: “I would be more patient, reject the notion that their failure is my failure, and lead out of a place of security and freedom. ”
Where do you see those skills present in your leadership now? What changed?
Hi Ryan – the Lord is constantly refining me, convicting me of sin, and making me more like him. For this, I am grateful.
I wish I could say that I have arrived, but I’m still on the journey. I am much more patient than I used to be and feel considerably less internal pressure than in the past. Some of it is growing with age, some of it is the Lord’s kindness to reveal to me what really matters.
Christy,
We all change over time don’t we? This is a good thing and I have certainly changed drastically. I have taken many personality tests or skills tests over the last decade or so. I am at the complete opposite end of the spectrum on many different things now. My role as a Fire Captain is completely different than my collaborative role I find myself in now. But not only have my styles of leadership changed, my personality has changed with it.
Praise God that we continue to change and grow over time. I wonder how much we’ll change in the next 10 years.
Isn’t this why it’s so important to hear the wisdom of those that have gone before us?
Hi Christy,
Your experience as the director of operations in the logistics industry sounds both exhilarating and challenging. I enjoyed reading your post.
Offering a bonus was a smart move, but how did you approach the negotiation?
Hi Christy, I can sure relate to the inner-cringe of reflecting on past leadership. Thank you for letting us see an unretouched image of your past. If you look back there some more, where can you also see Christy-of-the-past depositing leadership gifts with her team?
Christy, thank you for sharing this story. How long did you work for this logistics company? You are a strong woman. I don’t think I would have made it one day in that high pressure environment. I think we all share some of those memories that make us cringe and we wish we could redo. What has helped you reengage the undefended leader and switch off the defended leader when you realize you are defaulting to your defining ego?