The Day That Changed Everything.
When I was 3 years old, my family was coming home from a vacation in Portland, OR, to Los Angeles. As we approached Bakersfield, a city about 90 miles from Los Angeles, my dad was pulling off the highway so we could rest. Sadly, a semi-truck was behind us, and the driver was drunk. He slammed into our station wagon, and our lives were forever changed. The car flipped once and rolled over twice, landing on its roof. My 10-year-old sister was killed, my 12-year-old sister was in critical condition, and I had a huge gash in my foot, which kept me in the hospital as well. My mom, dad, and brother were all fine.
Obviously, my parents were devastated. I only remember the ambulance ride; sadly, I don’t remember my youngest sister, Barbie. This was in the early 60’s, and mental health plans and counseling weren’t readily available, and my mom went very dark. The end result was her wanting to protect her family, but mainly me, because I was the youngest, and she was very overprotective. She would tell me no to everything I wanted to do or try. I wanted to play football, and she said no, I might get hurt. I wanted to go to the Air Force Academy and be a pilot and she said no, I wasn’t smart enough. (Now I know she just didn’t want me to leave home). Most sports or anything risky was off the table, and her fear created fear in me to push any boundaries.
So, the surprising result of all this for me was that I became a risk taker (just not in sports). I think it was my way to rebel. I had no fear when it came to making decisions or doing something crazy (and stupid too). But I also didn’t look down the road to see the cost of my decisions either, which is a whole other story. Poole speaks a lot about fear in her book; for the good or the bad, I don’t have that fear.
I have been a leader most of my life, starting when I was in Cub Scouts. When I was 21, I was a manager of a grocery store; then, after college, I got into sales, and within a few years, I was a sales manager. for the most part, I have never looked back, managing pretty much the rest of my career. I held leadership positions in some of the churches that I was a part of. It all comes naturally to me – there is no part of fear at all. What I loved about her book was the word “templates”. I have never thought of them in that way. “If you have already had a wide range of challenging conversations, you will have a whole library of templates to draw upon…”.[1]
But I don’t know if I would use “challenging conversations” as a template. Sure, I have had many, and those experiences dealing with difficult customers or situations definitely helped me, but I would probably lean more towards bosses, mentors, and heroes to be my templates. They showed me what managing people, dealing with customers, and raising leaders were like. I am reminded of the WWJD bracelets that were so big a few years ago. I can look at being a leader and wonder how my boss or pastor would handle that situation. Those who surrounded me are responsible for my successes with work, ministry, people, or situations.
My father taught me about character. He was my hero, and to him, everything was about character. I wonder if that is one of the reasons I took leadership roles at an early age. Poole says, “Character protects your future ability to lead because it is the very thing that will save you when everything else is stripped away.”[2] If I didn’t have the correct template for a situation, I seemed to know the right thing to do, which is a direct attribute of my father.
Even though he did nothing wrong, I don’t think my dad ever forgave himself for the death of his beloved Barbie. He was hard on himself. But the one thing that did come out of that tragedy was who he became because of it. He was the best dad ever. He was involved in my life and in everything I did. He tossed the ball with me almost every night, coached all my games, and helped me when I started my first business. He was involved in my life and led by example in everything he did. The character traits he modeled and softly spoke to me about were invaluable. I could not create or dream up a better template than he was for me, and for that, I am grateful.
[1] Eve Poole, Leadersmithing: Revealing the Trade Secrets of Leadership (London: Bloomsbury Business, 2017), 125
[2] Ibid., 56
About the Author
Chris Blackman
12 responses to “The Day That Changed Everything.”
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Chris, I am so sorry for the loss of your sister and the impact that it had on your family. You mentioned character and difficult conversations in talking about your leadership. Are there other essentials that jump out from the deck of cards lists as things you have learned or would like to learn?
Thanks Diane. Even though I have no memory of her, I certainly felt the ripples of her passing all of my life.
As far as the deck of cards goes, I would probably lean towards the Hearts first, then the Clubs. The Hearts because I have always had people drawn to me with the need to talk things out. I have been told I should have gone into counseling as a career. I will choose clubs. because I do try and have a good work-life balance, and my wife tells me over and over that I need to be careful in choosing my words because people listen to what I say. I don’t see it to be honest, but I do listen to her, (most of the time, anyway)
Chris,
That certainly must have been rough, I am sorry for your loss early in your childhood. Shela also wrote about and focused on the idea of character. It certainly was a big point in the book.
Since you have been leading all through your life, what is one thing that you think you have done really well? What would you like to improve on?
Thank you, Adam. I had to sit with your question for a bit, and have an odd answer to both of your questions
Best at: listening.
Need work on: listening.
When it comes to customers, or people I do ministry with, or working with volunteers, I feel that I listen well to their needs, and because I am a people pleaser, I do my best to meet them where they are. BUT I can be stubborn too, and when I have something in my head that I think I am right on, I don’t hear what people have to say (unfortunately for my wife). I really need to humble myself at times, shut up and listen,
Thanks for the thinking challenge!
Chris,
The loss of a child is one of the deepest losses any family can face. I am so sorry for this tragedy your family faced when Barbie was killed.
In looking at your heroes, bosses, and mentors that you admire as your “template,” what would be the top three (or more?!) things that you have learned from them to apply in your own life?
Thank you for your words, Kari.
I think one of the best leadership examples I saw was the owner of a big seafood processing company I worked for. Every Weds. he would put on his jeans and t-shirt and go to a different part of the company to work alongside others; one week, he would load a truck, and the next week, he would drive it, the following he would fillet fish and the next he would clean bathrooms. He wanted to know what people felt and how to improve their jobs. I have followed that the best I can in whatever position I am in, which was invaluable to me. My sweet father, a substantial homeless advocate – taught me compassion. If I was home, he would take me when people called and needed help. He taught me so much about giving dignity to people when they need it the most. Those are the two most impactful people, but I am grateful for many who have walked alongside me and shown me how to be a boss, leader, and mentor. Thanks for your question!
Chris,
Sorry for your family’s loss. I can somewhat relate to your dad being hard on himself. After my youngest had a near drowning experience at 18 months old, while on my watch, I mentally beat myself up. In my case it was “what could have happened.”
I’m glad that your father helped coach you into leadership. We learn so much from our parents, some good, some bad. Can you name the three most important things you learned about life and/or leadership from your dad?
What type of ball did you end up playing and your dad coaching?
Oh my gosh Jeff, I can’t imagine what went through your head. I would have felt the same way.
As I just shared with Kari, my dad taught me about compassion and dignity for struggling people. He was such an amazing man, When he passed, I sat in the viewing room at the mortuary for about 8 hours, and I can’t tell you how many people I had never met walked through the door telling me stories of how my dad helped them find jobs, get a place to stay, put foo on their table and was just always there for them. It was amazing, He didn’t know it, but he exuded a calm about him. He had a quiet confidence and was a fairly quiet man. I don’t necessarily have the quiet part in me, but I definitely hope I have the calming presence that he did.
Dad and I threw just about anything we could to each other, but mostly baseball. It was his time to hear about my day as he chatted the whole time. We also played a lot of golf, from an early age for me. Would give anything to walk the course one more time with him. Thanks for making me think about my dad again this morning!
Hi Chris, thank you for sharing more of your story. Your family has experienced devastating loss.
From what I know about you – I can see that this has built character, compassion, and understanding in you. How does this impact the people you lead and minister to that are walking through tremendous loss?
Thank you Christy for the kind words.
To be honest, I have no doubt that the trauma we all went through for decades (and probably still do) has had an effect on my ministries and leading – I just don’t know what!! I will go back to what I have written a few times. My dad taught me how to show dignity to others. I hope I can lift people up, listen, and be there for them when they are in need. He was so good at it, and I pray that I could have 10% of what he was.
Chris, I feel you honored your family in this post. It was encouraging to read the many ways your dad positively impacted your life and showed you how to be a compassionate leader. I also had a moment when reading Poole’s ideas concerning templates. I thought, “This is brilliant! Why have I never thought of this?” Templates make so much sense.
What simulations have you put in place to create templates to be the leader who “asks more questions?” I remember in past posts you mentioned the struggle to ask questions. I resonated with this and have been working on ways to grow my curiosity.
Thank you Elysse. I hope I honored them. We were a mess, but we were family.
Your question is an easy one. My wife is the stimulant for asking questions. Otherwise, I never would (I am still not good at it!). A friend of ours calls her “the question girl” because she asks questions about everything!! I have learned a lot by watching her, But I have a long way to go!!