Struggling Through The Swamp…Together
Skyler Rose Thorson-our daughter
“I’m not sure I can do this anymore…”
That was my wife and I in 2018, 8 months into our journey as foster parents. We had been trained and called to foster kids in our community as a way to serve Jesus, but had no idea the complexities of caring for young children who had experienced trauma and separation from their birth parents. We had said yes to a placement of a 3 year old girl and a 8 month old boy that we were told would last the weekend. Four months later we were drowing in the swamp. Tired, exhausted, overwhelmed, confused and hurt, we realized we could no longer care for these two kids in our care and still care well for our 3 biological kids and each other. We made the painful decision to end the placement and trust that God would care for these kids with another foster placement. Thankfully, God did and we got to see these kids reunite with their birth mom and even ran into them a few years later. They are thriving and would have been blissfully unaware, I guess, that they were ever in our home to begin with. Except for the picture book. During those intense four months of foster parenting, we still took photos and did things together, and my wife made them into a photobook that the kids took with them when they went to their next placement. When we ran them and their birth mom at the park, she told us that they still had the book and she thanked us for caring for her kids when she was unable to do so herself.
Being a resource parent is a wicked problem. Our reading this week has reminded me of that. Wicked problems are categorized by being, “ill-defined, ambiguous, and often interconnected, making them resistant to definitive solutions.” We had started foster parenting with what we thought was a tame problem: We’ll take care of kids in our community while their parents get better. What we realized was that we stumbled upon a wicked problem filled with interconnected issues that in themselves are also wicked problems; poverty, drug abuse, childhood trauma, homelessness, the criminal justice system and childhood development. Any foster parent comes into orbit with all of these things any time they step into this world and receive a child into their home.
Wounded and burned out we licked our wounds for a year, trying to stop sinking and learn how to thrive again. After a year, we sensed God calling us back into the swamp and said yes to a placement of a newborn baby girl. We weren’t sure how long the placement would be and what it would all involve, but we said yes with open arms and hearts. While also a wicked problem placement, we knew that we were not alone on the journey in the swamp. We accessed resources better, took time for ourselves and our bio kids, relied on the support of our church community and held openly our role in this little girl’s life. This past weekend, we celebrated Skyler’s 4th birthday. She became a part of our family permanently and has brought incredible joy to us and to so many. She is an incredible reminder of the hope and healing that can come in families and communities when people engage with wicked problems.
This afternoon I was able to be on a call for a training to become a foster parent mentor. An organization called Every Child has realized that people new to being foster parents need support and encouragement from others who have been through the journey. Every Child is engaging a wicked problem; recruit and retention of foster parents. Our text this week stated that, “Solving wicked problems requires ongoing dialogue, adaptability, and collaboration among diverse stakeholders.” Every Child is modeling this by listening to the expressed needs of their stakeholders and developing and refining programs that engage this particular wicked problem in an effort to make a difference in the lives of vulnerable kids and their families. Its a privilege to give back now, 8 years after beginning our foster parent journey, with the hurt and heartache we still carry, alone with the wisdom and joy that we’ve experienced as well. Its a reminder that we might be in the swamp, but we’re not alone.
About the Author
Ryan Thorson
Follower of Jesus. Husband. Father. Pastor. Coach. I am passionate about helping people discover the gift of Sabbath and slow down spirituality in the context of our busy world.10 responses to “Struggling Through The Swamp…Together”
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Ryan,
I have not journeyed down that road myself, but I know enough people who have to fully agree with you that fostering a child is a journey into a swamp filled with wicked problems. Bless you for answering the call. Bless you for being a mentor to other foster parents.
If I were your mentee, what is the top piece of advice you would give me?
Hi Ryan,
What additional topics or scenarios would you have liked to see covered in the book Exploring Wicked Problems?
Ryan,
Congratulations on going through with the adoption! That is exciting. Oh man… the swamp called adoption… When we came home with our three kids we got lost in the swamp for a full year. I think we had all drowned in it and thankfully God has wiped away many of those painful memories of being underwater in the adoption swamp.
What are some of the practices with this last placement that you have intentionally changed versus the first time? It seems that you were willing to re-enter the swampland but you had a few more tools in your belt to navigate it a bit better.
Hi Ryan, thank you for listening to God’s call and welcoming children into your home for those years and now helping others. I am guessing your difficult and joyful experiences helps those you mentor to relate to you better. As you look at the way to tame a piece of a wicked problem, what would you say might be the first priority for the children in foster care?
Happy Birthday, Skyler Rose Thorson! Ryan, I loved hearing more about your adoption journey. Your adoption journey, particularly the first swamp experience compared to the second swamp experience modeled precisely what the book said about learning from our swamps.
“If we seek out other people and join with them in figuring out what is valuable, meaningful, and worthwhile about the experience, and if we come to understand that struggling effectively in a swamp is in itself a notable achievement, we can help prepare ourselves for future experiences in swamps” (Exploring Wicked Problems, 181-182).
Thank you for modeling how to tackle wicked problems and for choosing to walk alongside others as they enter the swamp.
Ryan, thank you for sharing a portion of your personal journey. You describe how engaging with the foster care system revealed layers of interconnected wicked problems, from childhood trauma to systemic poverty. Given that wicked problems resist definitive solutions, how do you measure success in foster parenting? Is success found in individual stories of hope, systemic reform, or in the willingness to step into the swamp despite the unknowns?
Ryan, thanks for sharing your personal journey. How does being in the swamp equip and enable you to help others who are on the same journey?
Ryan! I am blessed hearing your journey! What has been your experience when it comes to collaboration with regards to wicked problems?
Ryan, thank you for sharing your journey. I may have mentioned that my family also did foster care when I was growing up. From the time I was 8 until I was 18 we had something like 25 foster babies go through our home. Each stayed with us for anywhere from 2 weeks to 6 months, usually 2-4 months.
At the time, my parents felt they were helping solve a problem. These were children from young, unwed mothers. We took the babies for them during a time of discernment for them. Most went on to adoptive homes (through the Christian organization we were working with).
Eventually, the babies started going back to their young, often unsupported mothers, as the stigma of being a single mom became less important. I don’t know if that was the whole reason, but I remember my mother mentioning to me at one point later that she didn’t feel as good about those situations. After 10 years, it was time to do other things.
As I look back, I see that was also a complex, messy problem. A wicked problem. It hasn’t gotten any easier, as your post illustrates. Thank you for being a light in Skylar’s life. She is blessed to have you as her father.
Hi Ryan, what an inspiring post. I wish we had you as a coach when we were fostering. Every foster parent can quickly understand the concepts of wicked problems due to the very complex and interconnected challenges foster children experience.
What are some ways you coach and encourage foster families around you?