Slowing Moving Forward
We were stuck on a treadmill that just kept gaining in speed and increasing in incline. I do not even know how long my wife and I were on that treadmill, months, years, a decade probably. We knew adopting kids would be hard. Yet, we had no idea what we were really getting into. We have never regretted our decision to bring three children with significant loss and trauma into our lives. We just never foresaw how God would shape and change us so much through the process. Being an adoptive father has allowed me to see the ugliness and insecurities in my own heart.
It took other people in our lives to recognize the relationship issues we were having with our son that Friedman describes as triangular.[1] We entered family therapy designed for kids with attachment trauma and we finally stepped off the treadmill. I was way past the point of exhaustion. Many of our parenting skills were based on parenting the way we grew up as kids or based on what was working with our biological kids. However, kids with a hard beginning to life and attachment trauma need to be parented in a different way. For example, while one kid might have electronics taken away for a day, our son might be given all their electronics to play all day long. Though it might not seem fair, it allows us, the parents, to be back in control. The ongoing challenge is what works one week does not work the next and we constantly must adapt our leadership in parenting.
When I stepped off the treadmill two years ago, I began to focus more on my own self differentiation. I learned to develop a less anxious presence and keep my own emotions in check.[2] I did not realize that we were closely following much of what Friedman recommends, I was simply doing what the therapist suggested. This book has been helpful to understand some of the reasons behind what we have been working on.
I released the idea that my son’s behavior was a reflection on me, which I had held tightly. When I let go of this idea, everything started to change, and we began to see progress in the right direction.[3] The challenge with this is our church culture seems to place a very high regard on how well parents raise their children and church leadership criteria is often based on passages like 1 Timothy 3:4 and how well fathers keep their children in line. (I do think there are significant cultural caveats to this.)
Over the last few months, I have been working on my own non-anxious presence as I raise my son. The mornings are particularly hard and so I have developed routines to help ease the tension that often builds. I get up an hour and a half earlier than him. I spend time in the word and prayer. I play worship music; I light candles and I burn incense to start the day off. Without intentionally trying to, I realize that I have tried to make the morning a peaceful time with a multi-sensory approach. Friedman states, “Differentiation is maintaining a non-anxious presence in the face of anxious others.”[4] One thing our son truly needs is to feel a sense of belonging in our family and peace in our home.
Friedman’s process only goes so far and focuses more on the neurological and societal aspects of chronic anxiety. Yet, as followers of Jesus, we must heavily consider how being image bearers of God affects this as well. In a podcast interview between a neurologically focused theologian and a professor at Portland Seminary, Dr. Morse states, “So it’s not just a non-anxious presence, as like Friedman talks about. It’s much more a deep-centered understanding that we are rooted in Christ and through Christ.”[5] I do not simply want to be a non-anxious presence with my son, I want to be the presence of Christ lived out through me. Dr. Morse adds, “but it’s symbolic of the power of that presence (Jesus’) to regulate a room, regulate a room and then actually after that, if that’s done long enough, if there’s a loving, open resonance over time, it actually changes people.”[6]
After finishing this book last night, there was a passionate discussion going on in the house. I stepped into the discussion with the amount of self-differentiation needed and had a calm non-anxious presence. The discussion certainly could have tipped over the edge into argument. Thankfully, it did not. Our son accepted the boundaries that were set without falling into an emotional response but was able to maintain a level of cognitive thinking even though it was not something he wanted to hear.
We still go to therapy weekly. We still struggle daily. Yet, we are no longer on the treadmill. Instead, through the process of Christ working on my self there has been slow yet forward momentum.
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[1] Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix, ed. Margaret M. Treadwell and Edward W. Beal, 10th anniversary revised edition (New York: Church Publishing, 2017), 218.
[2] Friedman, 15.
[3] Friedman, 4.
[4] Friedman, 195.
[5] Geoff Holsclaw (PhD), “Leading with & through Emotion: Limbic Resonance, Leadership, and Spirituality (Episode 69 + Transcript),” accessed February 19, 2024, https://www.grassrootschristianity.org/p/leading-with-and-through-emotion?utm_medium=reader2.
[6] Holsclaw (PhD).
About the Author
Adam Cheney
I grew up in California, spent five years living along the beautiful coast of Kenya and now find myself working with refugees in the snow crusted tundra of Minnesota. My wife and I have seven children, four of whom have been adopted. I spend my time drinking lots of coffee, working in my garden, and baking sourdough bread.11 responses to “Slowing Moving Forward”
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Adam, thanks so much for the openness within your blog. It’s great when the Camacho “Aha” moments happen and explain why some things work and others don’t. How do you feel some of the stand-out moments in the book that you listed in your blog relate to your NPO? Will any of them be helpful as you move forward in impacting the community you are called to work with?
Glyn,
I often find myself needing to be a non-anxious presence in my community. This seems so much easier to do than at home. For instance, I am often speaking with churches or small groups of Christians regarding welcoming refugees and immigrants. I am sure that you have seen from across the pond that this can be a bit of a contentious issue here. I try to get past the chronic anxiety that the media induces and help people understand the real stories of what is going on in our community.
Adam,
Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing such a difficult family situation.
Alot of what you wrote about reminded me of my father’s non-anxious presence as opposed to my mother’s hyper-anxious presence. It’s so great that you had that as a takeaway when you stepped into your family’s conversation. For me, it always made a difference, and I responded better to my father’s calm demeanor.
How do you imagine this reading to be a guidepost for your NPO?
Nancy,
As I mentioned to Glyn, I try to be a non-anxious presence among the Christian community. I want to encourage other Christians to learn to truly be hospitable with the refugees in our midst, no matter the journey they took to get here.
Adam,
Bless you, your wife and your biological kids for bringing into your family images of God that have been wounded. I have been friends with several families who have either foster and/or adopted. I’ve heard the struggles, the treadmills the families get on. I know things are not perfect, but I am happy to hear that you have found a new way of leading your family. Jesus is that non-anxious presence that everyone of us needs in our families, churches, workplaces and in our everyday lives. With your 7 children and I have no idea their ages, what are some situations or times when you most feel the non-anxious presence of Christ in your family? As we look at Friedman’s characteristics of chronically anxious families, I wonder how much of that is our own reactivity and how much if any is there a component of spiritual warfare occurring?
Jeff,
As I read your question I laughed to myself and thought the most peaceful time here with seven children is when they are all at school. Besides that, we do have a weekly time of a sabbath on Saturday afternoons until Sunday after church where we put away all the electronics (90% of the time) and play games with each other and make a good dinner. Truly, this is a good time for our family to develop that peacefulness in our lives.
Yes the spiritual battle is real. We dealt with significant spiritual warfare in Kenya for years and this has certainly been a part of what we have dealt with. It is always hard to discern what is going on. Is it spiritual? Is it attachment related? Or is it simply teenage boy challenging? Sometimes it is all but always a challenge to discern.
Thank you so much for your honest post Adam and for the way you describe your journey of differentiation. Your posts emanates love for your son and a desire to reflect the grace and compassion of Christ to your family. Stay on the journey! Keeping fighting the good fight!
Hey Adam, thanks for being vulnerable and open with us. To be a better parent, you are practicing a willingness to be open to change, learning from experts like Friedman, and trying to be like Jesus. You’re creating a healthy atmosphere and helping your family grow as individuals. Your dedication to therapy and always reflecting on yourself is admirable. How do you handle moments of self-doubt or uncertainty in your parenting journey?
Chris,
Great question. Honestly the parenting journey is hard, especially with adopted children. The challenge we find is that our friends and family with only biological children don’t quite understand the challenges that we really go through. For instance, all teenage boys will lie at some point. This is what every parent deals with. Yet, an adoptive teen with a hard history might lie without any guilt, or without really even realizing they are lying. It is simply a response to their trauma, not a desire to cover up a secret sin. We do have plenty of adoptive friends who have similar experiences and this is very helpful.
Adam, I tried to post this comment once before and it somehow disappeared. I will try again!
I echo the comments above. Thank you for sharing this part of your life. I appreciated your mentioning of Dr. Morse’s words, “If there’s a loving, open resonance over time, it actually changes people.” This has such a profoundness as followers of Jesus. I pray to be this presence to the people in my community.
What keeps you focused when you feel like defaulting back to the treadmill?
Elysse,
The weight of raising a black-teenage-son in the Midwest keeps me focused on doing better and better. The cost of getting back on the treadmill as we parent him can be very high in our society.