Serenity Now!
“Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.”
-Reinhold Niebuhr
Problems are a problem. We have problems. We always have had problems; we always will have…you guessed it…problems. Many of us humans honestly spend most of our time “solving” problems or trying to fix them. It always surprises me when I can find connections to my vocation in readings such as this, as far as I can tell none of our books have been about death and dying, yet I find that dying is a wicked problem. I don’t feel death is a wicked problem, but dying is indeed wicked.
In chapter five of Joseph Bentley and Michael Toth’s book Exploring Wicked Problems; what they are and why they are important, the authors discuss, when confronted by problems, we either run away, deny, or face up. They define Wicked problems as those that cannot be solved. The NPO I have landed on for this doctorate program is helping my coworkers have more honest and courageous conversations around death and dying, or a “goals of care” conversation. It is staggering the amount of people I am asked to have this conversation with, who are weeks to months away (sometimes days away) from dying and are surprised at our conversation! My friends, denial is strong, but I honestly can say that deep down we know when something is not right, or that our body is giving up even if our mind and soul say, no…keep fighting! Or what’s even harder is when there are days or weeks or even months and months left and with the problem of dying and they spiral deeper and deeper into despair. Lord, grant us the ability to accept the things we cannot change! Please! “Accepting that we have problems and working our way through them can yield huge dividends: mental and spiritual growth, success rather than failure, the achievement of meaning and purpose. Most psychologists agree that the presence of problems in our emotional and cognitive experiences offers us important benefits.”[1] The others go on to give a list of all the good side effects of having problems. I may need to write them down as I journey with people through the wicked problem of dying.
We cannot solve dying, it’s wicked, but we sure try to fix it, delay it, deny it, avoid it. How would I go about solving this wicked problem? I can’t, thus my NPO is in essence may be just a way into the swamp, as Bentley and Toth describe, is getting stuck in the muck and mire, instead of high firm ground. I don’t know about all of you, but the further into stake holder workshops and research, the more daunting and looming the problem my NPO was addressing felt. I find this book extremely helpful in getting me out of the swamp. It’s time to go “meta”.[2] “Going meta means getting better at thinking, talking, and reasoning, and at almost any other activity: making decisions, persuading others, leading a meeting, praising colleagues, disciplining children, giving feedback, composing an essay, or writing a report. And that especially includes solving problems.”[3]
Our way out of the muck and mire, aka…the swamp, seems to be looking towards technology. But as Eve Poole put it in her book Robot Souls, we cannot program junk code into technology. “Junk code shows up in several categories. The most famous is our very messy emotions, closely followed by our unshakeable ability to keep on making mistakes.”[4] As noted in Wicked Problems, having our messy emotions, our problems bring us “mental and spiritual growth”.[5] Bentley and Toth address that technology cannot solve wicked problems, such as example they gave of Bill Nye the “Science Guy” who said “I became an engineer because I think any problem can be solved with technology”[6], but then later contradicted himself saying all of humanity needed to work together to fix global warming. “But in a surprisingly large number of cases—especially those encountered in our daily lives—the solution to a problem depends not on technological but on mental breakthroughs”. [7] In other words, threshold learning experiences as we encountered when reading Land and Meyer.
What is a doctoral student to do? Can we fix anything? Yes we can! But we must step back or take the balcony view every so often so that we don’t get swamped! I am not an alcoholic or an addict of any significance anyway (i.e., coffee and distractions), but if I could remember to pray for serenity now, every time a problem comes my way, how much better off would I be, and perhaps those around me?
“Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, give me the wisdom to know the difference!
[1] Bentley, Joseph and Toth, Michael. Exploring Wicked Problems: What they are and why they are important. (Indiana, Archway Publishing, 2020) 49.
[2] Bentley and Toth, 41
[3] Ibid, 41
[4] Poole , Eve. Robot Souls, Programming in Humanity. (Florida, CRC Press, 2024), 74.
[5] Bentley and Toth, 49
[6] Ibid, 31
[7] Wedell-Wedellsborg, Thomas. What’s your problem? To solve your problems, change the problems you solve. (Massachusetts, Harvard Business Review, 2020), 19.
About the Author
Jana Dluehosh
Jana serves as a Spiritual Care Supervisor for Signature Hospice in Portland, OR. She chairs the corporate Diversity, Equity, Inclusion and Belonging committee as well as presents and consults with chronically ill patients on addressing Quality of Life versus and alongside Medical treatment. She has trained as a World Religions and Enneagram Spiritual Director through an Anam Cara apprenticeship through the Sacred Art of Living center in Bend, OR. Jana utilizes a Celtic Spirituality approach toward life as a way to find common ground with diverse populations and faith traditions. She has mentored nursing students for several years at the University of Portland in a class called Theological Perspectives on Suffering and Death, and has taught in the Graduate Counseling program at Portland Seminary in the Trauma Certificate program on Grief.13 responses to “Serenity Now!”
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Yes, the wisdom to discern the difference between what we can and cannot change! I hadn’t thought about that as a framework to solving wicked problems (but I think about it in a lot of other contexts, especially the prototype I’ve been working on). Thanks for making that connection!
Thanks Kim. I think we all need serenity and acceptance during this process now, don’t we!
Hi Jana,
Thank you for this very thoughtful post and for the reminder of the truths the Serenity Prayer offers. It is said in my counseling office regularly! Thank you for sharing your NPO, “The NPO I have landed on for this doctorate program is helping my coworkers have more honest and courageous conversations around death and dying, or a “goals of care” conversation.” Having family members react to those conversations with deep and frantic denial. I get how challenging and heartbreaking those conversations are and remain deeply thankful for those who are trained to have them and offer support through that threshold spaces of dying and grieving.
Thanks Jenny for “seeing” the work I do, it is hard and deeply rewarding. I am convinced that death is not a wicked problem, but dying is!
Jana, as the Spiritual Care Supervisor for Signature Hospice, with dying being a wicked problem (as you have described), what part of the problem do you feel more and more able to address? I’d love to see your NPO, and your “goals of care.” Your post is very timely in so many ways, even as I am preparing to fly to see loved ones who continue to experience the realities of the aging process. I would be curious if you have re-framed the problem of dying in some way since you began serving in this role. Excellent post.
Thanks Travis! I pray that serenity prayer for you as you companion your family members. A way that I try to show up in the wicked problem of dying is to address that we are all still “living” in this moment. As monty python would say “not dead yet!”. We all have the same exact thing when it comes to life and death, and that is the present moment. If we can draw into this moment, accepting what we cannot change, change what we can and ask for wisdom, it could make my wicked problem NPO unnecessary! Wouldn’t that be great?
Thanks Jana….I literally just finished meeting with a friend who let me know that their mom, who is in relatively good health still, has decided to do MAID (Medical Assistance In Dying)…so your post and NPO caught my attention! In Canada, we are on a bit of a runaway train as it relates to euthanasia–the numbers are alarming, and the government currently has legislation to expand the opportunity to access MAID for those struggling with their mental health. Whatever one’s theological position on the matter is (either opposed or open to it in some cases), Canada is on a concerning path. That’s a problem….but that’s not to say it’s all bad. The authors remind us that there are some benefits to problems, and one such benefit to this particular problem is that it is increasing the conversation about life and death in our country. Not only that, it is forcing Christians to think deeply about these matters as well. A simple, dogmatic declaration that “God wants life!” doesn’t cut it, and some more robust epistemological frameworks (Petrusek) are being thought through in relation to life and death. Please send your NPO project up to Canada when you are done….we need it!
We call it “death with dignity” here, but in my experience, at least here, you have to have a terminal diagnosis and be of sound mind. I’ve seen many with depression in their medical history not get the approval. I also know that the number of people who go through the process and get the medication don’t use it, they are reassured that they have the control to decide to use it if the suffering get’s too hard. It seems to me so many of us need to be in control, and we define our dignity by our ability to take care of ourselves, so the tolerance of “needing” others is low. I am saddened to hear that Canada is broadening who can get meds. I am not completely opposed to this in some rare circumstance, and I journey with those who use this, but also deal with the complicated grief that comes from those left behind. I refer back to some of my other blogs where dignity is in being a human being and not a human doing. Helping and modeling to our family and friends that strength comes through asking for help. We are not meant to do life on our own! It takes a village. Thanks for your response… I could talk a long, long time on DWD or MAID!
Ohhhh! Pulling in threshold concepts! You are so right! “But in a surprisingly large number of cases—especially those encountered in our daily lives—the solution to a problem depends not on technological but on mental breakthroughs”. [7] In other words, threshold learning experiences as we encountered when reading Land and Meyer.” I hadn’t thought of that! Addressing wicked problems *does* require mental breakthroughs, i.e. threshold concepts. Thanks for tying that together for me.
I wonder if it would be helpful for us to utilized each other more in our NPO’s? Not because we are the appropriate stakeholders necessarily for the the problem, but stakeholders for each other in the midst of “solving” problems? Anyway, thank you for how you journey alongside me friend! May we continue to have the courage to step through the thresholds!
Thank you for your reflections, Jana. When you said, “I don’t know about all of you, but the further into stakeholder workshops and research, the more daunting and looming the problem my NPO was addressing felt” I couldn’t agree all the more. Pulling back and looking at the bigger picture is great advice for refocusing on the purpose and outcome of our work.
I feel a “amen” coming on. I was telling participants in my first prototype workshop about wicked problems fully claiming my NPO is a scratch on the surface of the “wicked” problem, but wouldn’t it be great if my NPO became irrelevant? One person at a time, right? We can change the world Cathy!
Hi Jana! Nice post. I like it.
I really like the prayer you quoted.
You wrote, “What is a doctoral student to do? Can we fix anything? Yes we can! But we have to step back or take the balcony view every so often so that we don’t get swamped! I am not an alcoholic or an addict of any significance anyway (i.e., coffee and distractions), but if I could remember to pray for serenity now, every time a problem comes my way, how much better off would I be, and perhaps those around me?”
What is the most impressive and valuable example of experience for you as a doctoral student with your NPO project when you implemented serenity actions when there was a big problem that you encountered and faced?