Scars or wounds?
In 1992 I read the book ‘Improving Your Serve: The Art of Unselfish Living’ and it changed my life and motivation. The author Swindoll says that to have a decent heart we need to have “a non-defensive spirit when confronted” and his phrase that has accompanied me as a life motto is, “genuine humility operates on a rather simple philosophy; Nothing to prove Nothing to lose.”[1] It’s from that foundation that I started healing and changing my inner drives, motivations and lens with which to view the world, aiming for Jesus to become my audience of one.
In his book The Undefended Leader, Walker explores attachment schemas and the impact of them on an adult and their way of perceiving the world, leading and their need to defend themselves. He proposes four different leadership styles and the roots that have caused them to be formed in those early childhood attachment experiences. He cites Bowlby but sadly misses Ainsworth who is very much perceived as the joint founder of attachment theory due to her experiment in 1969 called ‘the strange situation,’ which monitored babies’ reaction to their primary caregiver being present and emotionally available and then them being suddenly ignored.[2] This research has become foundational to all understanding of human relationships, defence mechanisms, trauma symptoms and other behavioural and emotional symptoms of distress, both conscious and subconscious. I have described attachment as ‘the specific element of parenting that goes beyond the physical needs of the child being met and speaks of the emotional availability of the child’s primary caregiver to be an emotional safety regulator for the child.’[3] It is widely recognised that our leadership styles and relational templates are formed in early childhood experiences that shape our perception of the world. Within the psychotherapy world, it is recognised that the relationship with the therapist is the vehicle for transformation of these subconscious models, due to the re-wiring of past relational templates through the consistency, empathy, emotional availability of the therapist. The younger this can occur, due to the changing nature of neuro-plasticity, the easier and shorter time it can take to update the attachment template which would of course lead to a different leadership model being used. Trauma recovery really does change leadership styles in miraculous ways!
Essentially, Bowly and Walkers description of internal working models of relationship offer alignment, with a slight change of language and emphasis. A secure attachment internal working model enables the leader to influence but not control, adapt without losing their core identity, be self-aware and be able to be a ‘shaping leader’ in Walkers model.[4] Sadly, this would be a natural leadership style only if the childhood environment was in the words of Winnicott, ‘good enough’, or there had been trauma recovery.’[5] The insecure attachment schemas relevant to this book would be insecure anxious and insecure avoidant templates. The insecure avoidant schema is described by Walker as ‘defining leadership’[6] which would occur due to the separation between the front stage and backstage or conscious and subconscious processes. This causes a powerful drive to succeed and simultaneously colludes with denial, dissociation or the mess of the past which leads to an avoidance of others observing this incongruence. This is a common model used by high achieving leaders that believe that to reflect on past experiences would cause them to appear weak and less powerful. The other insecure attachment schema explored here is named insecure anxious, where there is subconscious anxiety about their own skills and capability that leads them to depend on others to enable them to feel emotionally safe enough to ignore their backstage and focus on rescuing others to improve their sense of worth and value. Walker would describe that as ‘adapting leadership.’[7] They are relationally connected but they take on the role of hero or rescuer and this subconscious self-perception is to avoid the feelings of unresolved shame of past experiences that are outside of conscious memory.
My specialism is to work with attachment trauma and those who have survived early experiences of volatility, abuse and terror that caused these survival mechanism and templates to be formed to help the child survive what is otherwise un-survivable. Walker describes the ‘defending’ model of leadership as those who essentially have had that unprocessed, unfair and traumatic start in life and now need to fight to survive.[8] They are those adults who as a child were not helped to express their emotions but were left terrified by their internal processes and so needed to use subconscious mechanisms to live a daily life avoidant of the level of terror that they were feeling. Gerhardt explains that “it may be paradoxical that the most destructive children are those who try and suppress their feelings…Their anger simmers beneath the surface, probably outside their awareness. It also probably arose from very early experiences of neglect or chronic hostility, which has affected their stress response.”[9] Helping people of all ages courageously face and then acknowledge and process their early life experiences and how that has shaped their current leadership and relational expectations is my passion. Ultimately, I would agree with Walker that ‘the only proper goal of leadership is this; to enable people to take responsibility’ and that includes responsibility to embrace the tough process of facing our unhealed wounds, accepting them, feeling the pain and letting them teach us rather than drive us so that we can model integrity and not just teach it.[10]
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[1] Charles. R. Swindoll. Improving Your Serve: The Art of Unselfish Living. Thomas Nelson, 2010.356.
[2] Betsy de Thierry, The Simple Guide to Attachment Difficulties in Children: What They Are and How to Help London: Jessica Kingsley Publishers. 2019. 53.
[3]Ibid. 45.
[4] Simon Walker. The Undefended Leader. Discovering The Secret of Undefended Leadership. Piquant Editions. 2007. 61.
[5] Donald Winnicott. Home is where we start from: Essays by a psychoanalyst (compiled and Ed. By C. Winnicott, R. Shepherd, M. Davis). New York: W.W. Norton & Co.1990. 119.
[6] Simon Walker. 69.
[7] Ibid. 79.
[8] Ibid. 89.
[9] Sue Gerhardt. Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby’s Brain. Routledge. 2004. 81
[10] Walker. 153.
About the Author
Betsy
17 responses to “Scars or wounds?”
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Hi Betsy,
I’m curious about your statements on the ‘defining leader’ as those who ignore the incongruence observed by others through means of denial and dissociation.
I’ve observed this, but I don’t fully understand it. How do individuals who do not learn from the past and instead adopt a blinkered ‘full steam ahead’ mentality make it and stay in positions of leadership? I would have expected that the loss in trust that comes from this behaviour would be enough to give people pause, and yet we promote them and put them in charge of people and things.
Why do you think that is?
Thank you Joff for this question. Sadly childhood trauma does lead to a lot of trauma symptoms, which can be distressing to experience such as anxiety, depression, hyper-vigilance, self harm, sleep challenges etc or the symptoms can be internal, subconscious coping or defence mechanisms. The symptoms depend on whatever enables the person to survive. So the flight, fight or freeze response is relevant to leadership behaviour as well as primitive survival reactions. Some people shrink back from society to cope (flight), others fight society or those around them and others subconsciously choose to always have power over others so that they can avoid the terror of powerlessness. Others freeze and that feeling of vulnerability can be so terrifying that they then either ‘break down’ or flight or fight to prove to themselves that they won’t be a victim again.
When loss of trust comes, it can be terrifying to those of us who are fearful of hurting others, but for those with unresolved trauma especially when it was caused by betrayal where they felt utterly powerless, it can fuel the feeling of power and dominance that the child within the adult wanted in childhood. It can cause a deeper driven desire to prove how powerful they are and how others vulnerability won’t manipulate them into change. All past experiences that never should have happened end up playing out in adulthood in power games.
I am NOT saying that those who were abused in childhood hurt others. Most actually go on to help others and that can be a drive because they themselves were not able to have the help that was needed.
However, with some traumatised adults they can use their gifts to take positions of power to resolve their feelings of internal pain that they don’t want to acknowledge.
Because the world is so obsessed with cognitive learning rather than trauma recovery, which is rarely a concept that is even familiar, all humanity can avoid reflecting on the reality of the motives behind behaviours. Sadly, many leaders find such strong relief from their internal pain that they can’t or won’t because they thrive by appearing successful or powerful and even having domination over others. Those who don’t understand leadership, organisational culture and influence would often rather someone who appeared strong and successful that someone who was able to be authentic, honest and sometimes vulnerable- because the world still sometimes misreads that as weakness rather than strength.
That was longer than intended- sorry! I have so much to say on this subject as I care deeply about it and am often the ‘trauma specialist’ pulled into crisis where leaders have been found out to have back stage lives that were vastly different to their front stages. It’s always devastating.
Betsy,
Thank you for the opening quote from Swindoll. I have written it on a sticky note and placed it on my computer monitor. At the end of your third paragraph about ‘adapting leadership,’ you mention that people can connect into the role of hero or rescuer to avoid a negative emotion stemming from an event outside their conscious memory.
In my ignorance, I have a question: Can that leader self-diagnose, and what does growth beyond the shame, in this case, look like if the emotion caused by the event is outside their conscious memory?
Great question Darren!
When someone has a traumatic experience, it is too overwhelming to cope with and so it often becomes fragmented or separated out into different memories; body, emotional, visual, thinking, relational, sound memories. This means that all humans can notice that they are reacting in a certain way but have no knowledge of why. Recovery is all about learning to notice the tiny reactions and begin to put these together like a jigsaw puzzle. So someone could be calm and relaxed and suddenly get angry, and if that happens several times and they reflect and realise it always happens in the morning. So they begin to pay attention to their feelings in the morning and then one day they hear a train go past and realise that sound causes feelings of terror and abandonment which lead to the anger. Then they can reflect on what caused that link. Tiny pieces coming together to make sense.
So feelings of shame are usually connected to past experiences, and when people are courageous enough to reflect and notice the feeling and what was around at that moment- they can put the pieces together and what is an unconscious memory could become conscious. Then they can update their reactions by recognising how they started and choosing to notice and re direct. I hope that makes sense?
Betsy –
I’m jumping in on this thread because my question is related to Darren’s, but first: What a boss move to cite yourself in this post! I can’t tell you how awesome that is.
Second, I LOVE the invitation to be “undefended” even in (or perhaps first in) the face of our unhealed wounds. That sounds like it can be dangerous or re-traumatizing if not done carefully. In addition to having helpful guidance in a theraputic setting, what are some steps we can take on that “undefended” path?
Jeremiah, I noticed the self-citation too, LOVED IT! I think I need a copy because it has the word “simple” in the title and maybe it can help me catch up with topic.
Thanks Jeremiah! I’ve actually cited myself from various books along the way on these blogs as it’s hard not to! I do laugh as I do it though!
It can only be dangerous if we do it alone, with fear and terror that we are bad people. When we know we are loved by Jesus and we have a community that wants us to be the best we can be, it can be tough, painful but safe. The main stance that is needed is one of curiosity and reflection about what we notice about ourselves along with developing authentic relationships where people can gently feedback insights that can help us. Then it’s not dangerous.
Slow, kind, gentle, curious reflections of who people see that we are, how we operate and why! That’s the culture i have in the organisations and church I started.
Jeremiah, you beat me to this comment. Yes, BOSS move. Great question here. I agree with Betsy, that curiosity without judgment is the only way to approach this. The only way to really face what is actually in there is on the other side of someone you can be completely honest with with total acceptance. And that can be with a therapist, Spiritual Director, Soul Friend, or Christ.
Betsy and Christian – Thanks for your thoughtful replies!
I’m processing this through the lens of the leader development work we are engaging in at my local church, and want very much to ensure that development of others toward holistic flourishing and undefended leadership is done in a way that doesn’t add trauma upon trauma. I am so grateful for those who have been willing to journey with me in my own process of healing and also know how precious and vulnerable those spaces are. Your invitations to gentle curiosity without judgment are very helpful.
Thanks again!
Betsy,
This does make sense. Thank you. One of my biggest learning curves in this program is the emotional connection to leadership. There is lots to learn!
Well I feel slightly awkward that all my blogs go in that direction because that is all I am confident in, but I am here to learn the other leadership concepts! The books all lean to emotional or neurobiological development which is my very happy space!
Your post gave me better understanding of my personal experience, shedding light on the ways insecure attachment schemas have affected my leadership style. I look back and can see I vacillated between avoidant and anxious insecure patterns.
Your words on children who experience neglect, hostility and subconscious terror of theirselves articulated the subconscious patterns that I had lived out for years without fully understanding. I’ve been driven by a subconscious need to feel worthy or valuable. I needed to prove myself—both to God and to those around me. What I thought was an act of love was often a desperate attempt to silence my inner insecurities.
I no longer want to lead from a place of striving or rescuing but from a place of wholeness and humility. This means embracing vulnerability, both with myself and with those I serve, and trusting that God’s power is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).
Jess- this is beautiful. Thank you yet again for your raw honestly and vulnerability. I know that your voice changes culture and reduces shame for others as you speak out your revelation. It is certainly the reason I do what I do- from my intergenerational traumatic heritage and experience. Jesus and psychology- or the understanding of what a human is- has changed my life!
We have a sign in our church building when you first walk in saying,’ Humans are complex- you are welcome here.’ I don’t think there is a human alive who can say that they have not been impacted by some kind of experience in childhood that was not quite right which then led them on a path of seeking rest, relief or clarity and its only this kind of subject that brings transformative hope.
Thank you again for all you speak about and your courage. I’m excited for you and all those you reach who will continue to be impacted by your learning.
Betsy, this is your lane! I love the concept of the therapist being the relational vehicle for neural rewiring. It’s not just the internal work, but the safety of the relationships. Brillant.
Would you say all children should start this type of relationship with a therapist or other professional? If so, is at what age would this begin to be appropriate?
Thanks Christian. Not all children need a therapist thankfully! I have a Trauma Recovery Focused Model® that has been evaluated by a University using our research over many years and proven to be 98.8% successful in reducing ALL trauma symptoms. That has been published into my latest book that is out next month (I sold 50 early copies last week as i had my annual conference so they gave me a pre release) with step by step guide. It is especially aimed at reducing cost and reducing the need for very well training psychotherapists. Sadly trauma is NOT on any qualifying courses that I am aware of and so it is expensive for them to then have to add 10-20 days training days with me. So my model TRFM® uses my trained therapeutic mentors to build the relationship first and only pass to a therapist if there is specific trauma. I have created unique assessments to evaluate what attachment wounds there are and what trauma experiences and symptoms they have so that each child/ young person and adult has a targeted therapy treatment plan. It really works and has a growing movement around the world.
We have worked with children as young as 4 who have experienced multiple abuse.
It is such a privilege to be that empathetic witness and support where lives are transforming and families are totally re built.
Betsy, it’s wonderful how committed you are to helping others navigate and heal from deep attachment trauma. Your ability to articulate the process of facing and processing past wounds is remarkable, particularly concerning its impact on leadership and our expectations in relationships. Since trauma recovery can significantly alter leadership styles, what are some key signs that indicate someone is transitioning from a ‘defensive’ leadership model to a more secure and integrated approach?
Thanks Ivan. I do love it a lot! My most cited phrase is ‘self awareness is the key to integrity’. So that would be my short answer.
It always starts at humble curiosity for us all at how we have become who we are, and the trauma recovery model is one which intentionally reduces shame and increases an understanding of humanity and the frailty and vulnerability that is shared by all. Then when shame is reduced, hunger to understand then leads to self awareness, then I do have 9 books and 4 programmes that explain what happens to us as humans that leads to less time in therapy and feeling more empowered and full of hope for healing.
So transitioning will be very obvious to the person. It’s not this hidden, secret, unknowing experience in the darkness of the subconscious. It is owned and sought after by the person who seeks wholeness and is hopefully supported and encouraged along the way!