Save Your Voice
My daughter has two-year-old twins. It can be quite comical to see how they are learning to negotiate and converse. Without a doubt, they are beginning to see that they are not alone in the universe. The controversy is continually around what is “mine.” My toy. My food. My shoes. But skills are being taught daily, if not minute by minute. “Toys are for sharing.” “How could you be kind to your sister?” “How can you say ‘I’m sorry’ to your brother? “Use your words.” Selfishness is pervasive if left unattended. It escalates to a high decibel quite quickly with two-year-olds. There is a daily growth needed in children that helps them see that others are part of the equation and that life is actually much better when things are shared, civil words are exchanged, and relationships are valued.
I see many similarities between how our twins are growing in their dealings with each other and the way we adults chose to converse and grow. Our elementary way of dealing with others is to hold tight to our own ideas, put up defenses, and claim our values as “mine!” Rudeness, unkindness, and villainizing easily becomes second nature if left unattended. Could it be that so many of our conversations today are at a preschooler’s level? It seems that Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay believe so. “People are sick of not being able to speak about controversial subjects and of having to constantly walk on eggshells.”[1] Amen to that! Julian Treasure, author of “How to Be Heard” asserts that people are often broadcasting and not listening. Treasure makes the powerful point that conscious listening is our access to understanding.[2]
Boghossian and Lindsay have written “How to Have Impossible Conversations” as a practical training guide for conversational interaction. It is not simply a book that says converse more and often, but rather with skill and strategy. In fact, Boghossian and Lindsay dream of a renaissance of engaging meaningfully with others, building relationships, crossing moral divides by lessening the defensiveness with productive conversations. [3]
Boghossian and Lindsay define impossible conversations as conversations that feel futile because they take place across a seemingly unbridgeable gulf or disagreement in ideas, beliefs, morals, politics, or worldviews.” [4] However, they believe that “conversation is inherently collaborative” which gives both sides the opportunity to adjust their beliefs and possibly change.[5] This is a skill to be practiced and mastered.
As they begin, Boghossian & Lindsay lay the groundwork with Seven Fundamentals of a Good Conversation:
- Goals – Defining the purpose of the conversation
- Partnerships – Seeing the other person as a partner and not an adversary
- Rapport – Developing trust
- Listen – Be attentive to the other person and actively listen
- Shoot the Messenger – Don’t deliver uninvited message
- Intentions – Assume your conversation partner’s intention is better than you think
- Walk Away – simply know when to end to avoid defensiveness[6]
These are powerful skills to develop, but this is just the beginning. Boghossian and Lindsay continue to expand the skills to graduating levels. It is a book that needs to be digested and its principles practiced. It takes self-differentiation but also deep humility to attain the master level.
As I reflected on those that seem to embody these higher-level conversation skills, I thought of Beth Grant, co-founder and executive director of Project Rescue (https://www.projectrescue.com/). Just a few months ago I had the privilege of interviewing Beth in a zoom room full of female coaches who wanted to hear of her journey as the first woman to serve on our Executive Presbytery of our church movement 15 years ago. Through the years Beth has gained quite a reputation as embodying both spiritual authority and humility wherever she goes. I asked what advice she would give to women who navigate spaces where men are the majority. Her advice was “Go in as a learner. If we talk too soon, we are not learning what is going on in the room. As you listen, you will have greater discernment. Don’t speak much or too early. In stewarding your voice, save your voice. Don’t waste it. There are too many unworthy causes right now that people are wasting their voices on…Save your voice for redemptive healing, life-changing efforts, hope and faith-filled (impact).”
Save your voice. What a powerful piece of advice on listening. Though she was speaking to women leaders, this message rings true for both male and female leaders. This all helps us lean more deeply into the Level 2 leader-follower relationship that Edgar H. Schein and Peter A. Schein speak about in “Humble Leadership” where relationships are cultivated.[7]
This encourages me to keep practicing and honing the skills that cultivate maturity and make impossible conversations possible.
“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” (James 1:19, NIV)
[1] Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide (Da Capo Lifelong Books, 2019), 7-8.
[2] Julian Treasure, “Julian Treasure: 5 Ways to Listen Better | TED Talk,” accessed November 10, 2024, https://www.ted.com/talks/julian_treasure_5_ways_to_listen_better.
[3] Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide, 6.
[4] Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay, 3.
[5] Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay, 5.
[6] Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay, 7.
[7] Edgar H. Schein and Peter A. Schein, Humble Leadership: The Power of Relationships, Openness, and Trust (Oakland, CA: Berrett-Loehler Publishers, Inc., n.d.), 3.
About the Author
Esther Edwards
Esther has served in ministry leadership for over 35 years. She is an ordained minister, an ICF and CCLC certified coach, and licensed coach trainer. Her and her husband have launched their own coaching practice, Enjoy the Journey Leadership Coaching and seek to train ministry leaders in the powerful skill of coaching. Esther loves hiking, reading, and experiencing new coffee shops with friends and family. She enjoys the journey with her husband, Keith, their four daughters, sons-in-law, and their five beautiful grandchildren.4 responses to “Save Your Voice”
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Esther~
I would like to hear more. You wrote: “Through the years Beth has gained quite a reputation as embodying both spiritual authority and humility wherever she goes. I asked what advice she would give to women who navigate spaces where men are the majority.”
“Save your voice!” is great advice as I often think about Paul’s words about thinking on what is good, right, noble, beautiful, etc. . . . How would you describe further what it means for Beth to have authority and humility?
Spiritual authority and humility actually go hand in hand because our spiritual authority is grounded in Christ, which acknowledges that it is not about us. However, I spoke of it as two separate entities because we often think of spiritual authority as the Webster definition of authority which is “the right to give orders.” In some sense that is true, but not from a worldly perspective.
As I referred to Beth, her demeanor is very unpretentious. She doesn’t crave the limelight and always promotes others. However, she can rise up like a Deborah when she needs to. She has often walked into very divisive situations and, with clear directives calmed the room, centered the focus on Christ, and prayed with boldness. I imagine working continually in the red light district of Bombay has taught her much about leaning into spiritual authority over darkness.
Hi Esther,
The observations of your grandchildren sparked a memory of my two oldest grandsons. But I’ll spare you:) Let’s just say I was impressed by my then 3-year-old grandson’s ability to self-differentiate. If little ones can do it, we can too!
Your post reminded me of Rare Leadership and prioritizing relationships over problems. Maintaining relationship was implied in our reading this week in which strong opinions and differing values can shatter relationships as well. You mentioned, “self-differentiation” and “deep humility” as being key to mastering of the principles of having impossible conversations.
What does staying differentiated and humble look in your ministry and coaching context when there are different values or strong opinions at play? What helps you save your voice and know when to speak?
Jenny,
Good question. It’s not always easy staying self-differentiated and humble with those who have different values and strong opinions. However, what has helped is becoming more aware of how actively I am listening. I’m reminded of Jonita saying how people often just want to be heard. Coaching has helped me immensely in this area. A true coaching presence is always other focused which is really the true ingredient of humility. I am still growing in this area, but have gotten much better.