Remembering the Other
“Remember me”
On several occasions, I have had the privilege of working in Guatemala in villages of people who have been historically marginalized. Due to generations of political manipulations and societal injustice these groups of indigenous people have been relegated to the most barren and remote parts of the mountainous regions and are living without access to basic needs such as running water or electricity. On these visits, without fail, the one consistent thing they asked of us was to remember them when we returned home. I often thought that was a strange thing to ask, until I began to understand that when they were saying “remember me,” they were really asking for us to deeply hear and remember their story.
A Call to Conscious Communication
When I saw the title for our reading this week: How to be Heard,” my initial thought was “oh, this will be an interesting read on how to elevate my voice at work.” And, in part, I was correct. Julian Treasure is well-versed in effective communication, and I did find some great tips on how to intentionally approach how I am listening and speaking in meetings to be very effective on how I get my point across. Additionally, his methods will be helpful in building trust and rapport in teams. However, the most valuable concept for me was around honoring others by being conscious of their perspective; by deeply listening.
“Powerful speaking and listening both require you to be fully conscious. We do people a disservice when we listen without complete attention; just in the same way, most of the bad talks I’ve seen in my life have been delivered by people who went unconscious about what they were doing or failed to prepare.”[1]
The Broader Impact of Consciously Listening and Speaking
In his writing[2] as well as in his related TED talks, Treasure shares his beliefs that by listening and speaking well, we can improve society at large. Perhaps my initial interest in the self-promoting benefits of being a better communicator were short sighted. The above quotes assert that better listening and speaking require a greater consciousness that society, over time, has abdicated to more immediate forms of communication. Treasure believes that by expediting our communication, we are slipping into faster thinking, which does not allow for deeper understanding of each other.
A Current Proposition for Conscious Communication
Today, you cannot throw a stick without hitting an issue of contention. As my area of study is about how Christians disagree with each other, there are plenty of examples to use as case studies. Immigration, DEI, Politics, Education… the list can go on and on. Everyone I speak with says they want to be able to have civil discourse about these issues. In reality, however, what I have observed is that civility requires that both parties believe they have been heard by the other.
Is this need to be heard the same as what I learned from my friends in Guatemala? Are people in polarized groups needing to have the assurance that they have been seen as an individual? That their context is understood? That they have not been forgotten? I am not suggesting that the contentious issues in society are all solvable if we just hear one another, but I do believe that it would be an interesting experiment if we could infuse more listening and more intentional speaking and see what happens.
Respectful Awareness
While Treasure is guiding us to be more conscious listeners and speakers, I also read his work as a call to be respectful and to communicate this respect. He is asking us to be fully engaged with the person in front of us- to respectfully consider them as we listen and as speak.
Applications for Leadership Learning:
As the end of our term draws near, I will offer a few flashbacks from our previous readings as a backdrop for this week’s reading: How to be Heard.
- From Mining for Gold: “God is looking for Samuels, leaders who will see the gold in people by the Spirit and draw out those riches for his purposes.”[3]
When I am coaching someone, how can I more fully listen to their story?
- From Leading Out of Who You Are: “True leadership is leadership of ourselves and others into this kind of life: embracing our full humanity, discovering what it is to be fully human, to participate fully in the world. Once we understand this, we begin to understand that leadership is not restricted to the narrow range of activities it is often supposed to be…Leadership is the activity—any activity—that leads other people more deeply into this full humanity: which enables them to take hold of, and take responsibility for, the life that they, as a unique, particular person within the created human race, have been given to live.”[4]
As I become a more defended leader, how can see others more clearly so I may I better engage them in their calling?
As I reflect this morning on the reading, Philippians 2:3 starts ringing in my ears: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves…” As differentiated leaders we are striving to engage those around us for a greater purpose. Perhaps then, the art of hearing and being heard becomes more a spiritual practice of remembering the other than a tactic to achieving a personal goal.
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[1] Julian Treasure, How to Be Heard: Secrets for Powerful Speaking and Listening (La Vergne: Mango Media, 2017),.237.
[2] Julian Treasure, “Julian Treasure: 5 Ways to Listen Better | TED Talk,” accessed April 8, 2023, https://www.ted.com/talks/julian_treasure_5_ways_to_listen_better; Julian Treasure, “Julian Treasure: How to Speak so That People Want to Listen | TED Talk,” accessed April 8, 2023, https://www.ted.com/talks/julian_treasure_how_to_speak_so_that_people_want_to_listen.
[3] Tom Camacho, Mining for Gold: Developing Kingdom Leaders through Coaching (La Vergne: IVP, 2019), 17.
[4] Simon P. Walker, Leading Out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership (Piquant Editions, 2007), 196.
About the Author
Jennifer Vernam
7 responses to “Remembering the Other”
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Jen, You wrote:
In his writing[2] as well as in his related TED talks, Treasure shares his beliefs that by listening and speaking well, we can improve society at large. Perhaps my initial interest in the self-promoting benefits of being a better communicator were short sighted. The above quotes assert that better listening and speaking require a greater consciousness that society, over time, has abdicated to more immediate forms of communication. Treasure believes that by expediting our communication, we are slipping into faster thinking, which does not allow for deeper understanding of each other.
Although you apply the concept of not understanding one another to our public discourse (which is evident given our current cultural mess), I would argue that we don’t understand one another at the deeper level personally at times, either.
Expediting communication rips the emotional rug out from our teenagers who desperately need to see the look on someone’s face when they ask them out on a date or share the latest sports statistics. Have we lost the art of being close, being known, being understood with our efficient communication?
I am curious how you have seen this change in your boys’ lives compared to how you built relationships at their age?
More In line with your point and your NPO, what kinds of communication do you believe would facilitate an “understanding” of the other?
Thanks for your thoughts on this. I agree that technology has had a significant impact on how we listen to each other, though I am not sure I can explicitly say how I have seen that play out for my kids.
In regards to my NPO, I was talking to my colleagues at work this week about those trips to Guatemala. Someone who had gone with me reminded me that on these trips we often felt a type of solidarity with someone we would meet from that culture because of a discovery of something we had in common; caring for our children was a prime example. To apply this to your question, I wonder if looking for the points of similarity before digging into the differences would help?
Jennifer, I really appreciate and resonate with your concluding thoughts, “As differentiated leaders we are striving to engage those around us for a greater purpose. Perhaps then, the art of hearing and being heard becomes more a spiritual practice of remembering the other than a tactic to achieving a personal goal.” I believe listening is a spiritual practice on so many levels and in a wide variety of situations. Listening is a beautiful expression of good leadership. I went back to Eve Poole’s listening exercise to see how she compared to Treasure. She noted three levels of listening: Facts, Emotion, and Intuition (pages 1-11). It seems with your experiences in Guatemala the listening was emotional and intuitive. I have to wonder how much of our listening in leadership roles is focused on facts, solving problems, and accomplishing goals rather than on the person who is speaking and understanding their perspective. Any thoughts?
I completely agree, Jenny! I think that a lot of issues we uncover today can be at least partially resolved if we are present in the moment. Perhaps its System 2 listening. Also, we need to be skilled at letting the other person know they have been seen.
“In reality, however, what I have observed is that civility requires that both parties believe they have been heard by the other.”
I read this line and found myself thinking, “YES!” Yes! both parties need to feel heard! That is so important and in my experience, does not happen frequently enough.
You continued with “flashbacks” from other readings we’ve done this year, specifically from Mining For Gold: “God is looking for Samuels, leaders who will see the gold in people by the Spirit and draw out those riches for his purposes.”[3]
This quote got me thinking about the Enneagram. Well, actually, I was already thinking about it because I’m writing my Syntopical Essay and I did my leadership coaching this semester with an Enneagram leadership coach.
I have found the Enneagram to be a helpful tool for me to see the “gold” in others and in myself. Yes, it can also help us to see our growing edges and weaknesses, but mostly, it helps me to see the gold and to try to draw that out. It also helps me to better listen to people because when someone knows and shares their Enneagram number with me I can enter into our conversation with a sense of their motivations, how to listen well to them, and the energy they may need from me to feel heard.
“Drawing out the gold”- Yes! I think using personality assessments is a helpful tool in this process of deep listening. Just today, I was coaching a leader on using a personality assessment I like for the launch of a performance improvement conversation they need to have with an employee. It will give us a common understanding: both of the employee and the leader, and I hope will serve as a shortcut for resolution. Love this connection you have made!
You said “Today, you cannot throw a stick without hitting an issue of contention. As my area of study is about how Christians disagree with each other, there are plenty of examples to use as case studies. Immigration, DEI, Politics, Education… the list can go on and on.” I am so fascinated by your study! Civil discourse is missing today, and especially within churches and between Christians. I was speaking to my Dad to day who is retiring from 35 years of pastoring this summer. He is TIRED. Covid really through a wrench in his last few years pastoring in South Dakota, where they were very quick to go back to “normal”. My parents got covid from a church event and we believe they are suffering from long covid and my dad speaks on how many people, young people left his church because they chose to wear masks…it is just so unbelievable, and yet, he loves them. He is so full of grace. I will be fascinated to hear more about your NPO focus! It is SO NEEDED! I don’t have any question, just wanted you to know how much I enjoyed your blog.