RARE is not Impossible
Reading Peter Boghossian and James Lindsay’s book, How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide, reminded me of hundreds of conversations I have had with my Muslim friends. As a Christian, I believe in absolute truth. I take Jesus literally when he says, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”[1] He is the only way to eternal life.
According to Boghossian and Lindsay, that makes me an ideologue, “one who is unwilling or unable to revise their (moral) beliefs.” [2] When it comes to salvation and a personal relationship with God, I cannot and will not change my belief. Many of my Muslim friends are equally firm in their faith. How, then, can two ideologues have a meaningful conversation? There’s a reason these are called impossible.
The book, “How to Have Impossible Conversations,” outlines tactics for progressing from beginner conversations to expert levels, ultimately addressing how to engage with those who seem immovable. From my own experience, I’ve seen that many of these methods work. What intrigued me most was the “Master Level,” which deals directly with ideologues. [3] Typically, I walk away or change the subject in these moments, but I wanted to learn how to stay engaged longer.
As I studied their ideas, I noticed how well they align with Marcus Warner and Jim Wilder’s RARE leadership habits: remain relational, act like yourself, return to joy, and endure hardship well.[4]
Boghossian and Linsay recommend five steps for dealing with ideologues:
- Acknowledge their intention and affirm their identity as a good, moral person—especially if you find their beliefs repugnant.
- Change the subject to underlying values.
- Invite a deeper conversation about those underlying values.
- Induce doubt in their moral epistemology by helping them question the way they derive their moral beliefs.
- Allow the tether between the belief and the moral epistemology to sever on its own.[5]
On paper, this seems tactical and precise, but how do I apply this in my context of real friendships with Muslims I love and respect? The first question I must ask is: why do I want them to change their beliefs? Is it to prove that I am right? Is it to show that they are wrong? Or because I long for them to know the same deep relationship that I have with Jesus? I want the last reason to be true, but if I am honest, my motives often lead toward the first two.
When my true motivation is love, “relationship” should be prioritized over tactics. Warner and Wilder stress this in RARE Leadership: 4 Uncommon Habits for Increasing Trust, Joy, and Engagement in the People You Lead: we must “remain relational.”[6] Recognizing someone as made in the image of God allows me to affirm them as a person.
Steps two and three shift the conversation to the ideologue’s beliefs and values. Here is where tension often rises. This is where I must act like myself—a person with the heart of Christ within me.[7] My identity is not defined by convincing them of my values; it is in my relationship with Jesus and living that out.
Step four is questioning how the ideologue arrived at their beliefs. This can trigger me to become defensive. As tensions rise, I must remember to return to joy and “let peace be the referee of the strong emotions.”[8]
The last step in conversations with ideologues is to allow the person to grapple with how they arrived at their moral beliefs and what they do with them now at the end of the conversation. Boghossian and Lindsay wisely warn against the challenges one will face at this level of dialogue. They conclude that if there is any movement toward change it will be in “tiny increments.”[9] Accepting these minuscule results is a way to endure hardship well.[10] A RARE leader endures hardship well by going back to the other characteristics in remaining relational, acting like oneself, and returning to joy.[11]
As I continue conversations with my Muslim friends, I hope to apply these tactics courageously, remembering to be a RARE leader, mindful of who I represent. Even the smallest movements toward truth can bring glory to God.
[1] John 14:6 New International Version.
[2] Peter Boghossian and James A. Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations: A Very Practical Guide, Kindle ed. (Lifelong Books, 2020), 157.
[3] Peter Boghossian and James A. Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations, 157.
[4] Marcus Warner and Jim Wilder, Rare Leadership: 4 Uncommon Habits for Increasing Trust, Joy, and Engagement in the People You Lead (Moody Publishers, 2016), 13-14.
[5] Peter Boghossian and James A. Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations, 160.
[6] Marcus Warner and Jim Wilder, Rare Leadership, 123.
[7] Marcus Warner and Jim Wilder, Rare Leadership, 141.
[8] Marcus Warner and Jim Wilder, Rare Leadership, 159.
[9] Peter Boghossian and James A. Lindsay, How to Have Impossible Conversations, 167.
[10] Marcus Warner and Jim Wilder, Rare Leadership, 175.
[11] Marcus Warner and Jim Wilder, Rare Leadership, 188.
About the Author
Kari
Kari is a passionate follower of Jesus. Her journey with Him currently has her living in the Sahara in North Africa. With over a decade of experience as a family nurse practitioner and living cross-culturally, she enjoys being a champion for others. She combines her cross-cultural experience, her health care profession, and her skills in coaching to encourage holistic health and growth. She desires to see each person she encounters walk in fullness of joy, fulfilling their God-designed purpose. “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” Romans 12:12 ESV14 responses to “RARE is not Impossible”
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Kari,
Thank you for relating this to RARE leadership.
It is easy to get into the frame of mind that we must convert someone with our words. We must remind ourselves that is the job of the Holy Spirit and more often than not we are to reflect Christ through our actions in our relationships with others. I am sure that you do that well.
Besides religion, I’m thinking healthcare, are there other issues that you might fall into the category of an Idealogue?
Hi Jeff, Growing up in a very conservative Christian home, I learned early on the dangers of being an ideologue. As an adult, I have worked at learning and growing and trying to be open to having my ideas changed. Healthcare is an area where I am an ideologue in some aspects, but I try to hold the methodology of that loosely. There are numerous cultural elements that influence US healthcare standards. There are still some things I hold to tightly–such as “do no harm.” But how this plays out looks much different in Mauritania than in the US. For example, informed consent is patient-centric in the US, and in Mauritania, it is patriarchal. Even as I type this, my skin crawls! But, in general, this is socially acceptable by even the majority of the patients.
Hi Kari,
I love your phrase, ‘My identity is not defined by convincing them of my values; it is in my relationship with Jesus and living that out.’ I too have very good Muslim friends. I have never strived to change them. Does that make me a bad ambassador for Christ? We focus on common values like kindness, justice, family, and community. It has never been a challenge for me. What difficult conversations have you had with your Muslim friends?
Thanks for asking, Shela. The most challenging conversations I have had are the one-way monologues in which they are just peppering me with their reasons of why they are right. There is no room for any dialogue or understanding in these situations.
Your comment, “I have never strived to change them. Does that make me a bad ambassador for Christ?” makes me think of 2 Timothy 2:24-26. Our responsibility is not to change others; that’s the Holy Spirit’s job. Our part is to be kind and truthful.
Kari, great connection with RARE, thank you. How do you balance being unwavering in conviction with remaining genuinely relational so that love, not debate, becomes the primary motivation driving the conversation?
Hi Glyn, Part of being unwavering in conviction is also displaying the fruits of the Spirit. When a conversation is missing one of those on my end, it reminds me that my motivation is not based on love. Often, my sign is a lack of peace in my spirit or in the conversation.
Hi Kari, I appreciate how you intertwined ‘rare’ in your post and made it relational. I also resonated with your perspective on engaging the Muslim community as an outsider of sorts. Do you find the conversations in your context easy and surface level, or are many in the impossible category?
Great insight, Darren. At least 98% of my conversations here are easy and surface-level. That comes with its own frustration, as it is hard to engage in deeper, trust-based conversations. The impossible conversations are rarer.
HI Kari, what stood out to me in your post was your self-reflection of your own faith juxtaposed with that of your friends. As I read it, I thought how much evangelism occurs with few words, but with actions motivated by your faith and love of Jesus and those who He loves who don’t know Him yet. I don’t have a specific question for you, but if I dare, just share that I sense a nudge to encourage you. Blessings to you, friend.
Thank you for acting on that nudge, Diane! This encouragement is very much needed.
Kari, my younger sister is an idealogue atheist, so we generally don’t engage in conversations about faith. I’m really curious though (because I would LOVE for her and her two 20-something daughers to find Jesus); with what you’ve learne from this book, how do you or would you engage with someone like that? You have had a lot more practice at it than I have. 🙂
Hi Debbie, An interesting connection to your sister is that on Saturday, I had a lovely “religious” dialogue with an atheist who grew up in an evangelical home. The book offers numerous effective techniques for our language. An example is including the use of the word “and” instead of “but.” However, I believe the most effective way in these dialogues is to listen to the Holy Spirit. He NEVER fails me! When I feel his nudge, I am more bold and direct with kindness. At the same time, I often feel him remind me that sometimes it is better not to speak.
Thank you, Kari, for your post. This is a meaningful example of ‘impossible conversation’ – a Christian witnessing to a Muslim, or the other way around. I see myself in the way I deal with my families from the other faith. Thank you for you advice in your conclusion which is about ‘little change’ and everything is to His Glory, not ours. Thanks again, Kari.
Thank you for your comment, Noel. Looking for those tiny changes are what help give me the motivation and hope to continue loving and speaking truth wisely and in love.