Peter Pan and Undefended Leadership
I don’t get the opportunity to travel much, but when I do, I love to start conversations with people I run into. These conversations are intentional as I aim to share the Gospel at least five times while away from home. Several years ago, I worked logistics for an outdoor event in Hermiston, Oregon, when I started one of these conversations. I arrived on-site on a Tuesday afternoon, and a few forklifts, light towers, and support equipment had already been delivered. Due to the presence of those items, security was on-site as well. I went over to introduce myself to the young man who was in his late twenties and had been assigned to the day shift. When he introduced himself as “Peter”, I quickly responded, “Peter – that is a biblical name. Are your parents religious?” I was surprised when he gave me “the look”, and I instantly knew they were not religious. We talked a bit more, chatting through the standard list of small-talk topics. Then I tried again, “Tell me the story of how your parents picked out the name Peter.” He smiled and said, “My older brother really liked the movie Peter Pan, so my parents decided to name me Peter.” Surprised that his name had no biblical connection whatsoever, I blurted out, “Let me guess… your middle name is Pan.” I was even more shocked when he said, “YES!”
I have shared this story more times than I can remember, not because of its success but because of my failure to start a spiritual conversation. I want people to know that sharing the Gospel does not always go as planned, and not every conversation ends with a powerful story of salvation. Sometimes, the conversation revolves around a classic children’s movie instead. Nonetheless, sharing this failure has been my feeble attempt at growing my Undefended Leadership style that Simon Walker describes in his book, Leading Out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership.
Walker bases the premise of this book on the theater metaphor, which psychologist Erving Goffman first developed in the 1960s.[1] In Goffman’s original metaphor, the theater represents the wholeness of a leader and is subsequently broken into two stages. The Front Stage represents the part of a leader’s life that is on display for all to see. From this “stage”, a leader articulates vision, inspires action, and influences the audience. Yet the Front Stage cannot exist without the Back Stage. The Backstage holds the things that the audience finds less desirable or that the leader does not want the audience to have access to.[2] Simon articulates a list of items often kept Backstage. They include deep emotion, doubts, confusion, defeats, struggles, and uncertainties.[3] These two spaces make up a leader, with each area intrinsically dependent on the other for survival.[4]
In the later part of the book, Walker explores the roots of the Defended Self and breaks down the defended ego into four categories: Shaping, Defining, Adapting, and Defending. After unpacking the four categories, he gives practical steps to move from the undesirable Defended Self to the desirable Undefended Self.[5] But for me, the concept of leading as a Child was worth the price of admission. I want my Backstage to be heavily influenced by the light and playful touch of a child who is “unaware of all the theory about why things do or don’t work. He [the leader] comes at things without years of experience and baggage, and sometimes that is just what enables you to see the situation as it really is rather than you may expect it to be…”[6] [7]
Leading from that kind of childlike approach in the Backstage could have helped me to better understand and cope with my Front Stage interaction with Peter. In the days following that initial conversation, I got to know Peter a little bit better. I found out that he was losing his sight due to a rare form of cancer. Unless something miraculous happened soon, he would never see his young daughter’s face again, and it would be unlikely that he would make it to her tenth birthday. I offered to pray with him, but he declined. Outside of childlike faith, my Back Room emotions don’t know what to do with that.
[1] Simon P. Walker, Leading Out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership (Piquant Publishing, 2007), 24.
[2] Walker, 32.
[3] Walker, 25.
[4] Walker, 28.
[5] Walker, 122–23.
[6] Walker, 129.
[7] Walker, x.
About the Author
Darren Banek
6 responses to “Peter Pan and Undefended Leadership”
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Darren, last week, our cohort talked a bit about playfulness and joy as leaders. I see that quality in you. Do you think there’s a connection between playfulness and joy and Walker’s leading as a child?
I was drawn to what seemed like a very initial use of words on page 129 when, referring to leading as a child, he said it was done with a “playful touch”. The simple addition of the word “touch” seemed insightful to me. Not to be silly or wasteful of time and resources, but a sophisticated joyfulness. I see that as the connection between playfulness, joy and leading as a child.
Hi Darren thank you for your story about Peter Pan. I also liked the front stage and backstage metaphors. Wondering if you were able to connect with some of the backstage ponderings of your own personal doubts and struggles when you were talking with Peter and perhaps after your days of connecting with him? The vulnerability of Peter and his health issue must have really been something that impacted you. Sometimes, the backstage emotions are hard to unpack and deal with, but I have every confidence there will be closure with this one day.
Judith, my short time with Peter was fascinating. We discussed absolute morality, life after death, situational ethics, etc. I think my backstage was stuck with this interaction and unable to work through it, as he saw no purpose in life and no existence after death. In his worldview, everything is utterly pointless other than bringing temporary enjoyment in the moment. The only way I found to address it was to leave it at God’s throne and trust His righteousness.
I think that day of conversation had a profound effect on you and Peter Pan. This story sounds very important to you. Thanks for sharing that story with all of us, Darren. I loved it, and it impacted my heart.
Darren,
Your reflection on the experience with Peter is a powerful example of the challenges and realities that come with trying to share the gospel or start spiritual conversations. It shows that sometimes, even with good intentions and a desire to connect, things don’t go as planned, and that’s okay. I really appreciate how you tied this experience back to Simon Walker’s concept of Undefended Leadership and the Front Stage/Back Stage metaphor. Your openness in sharing your struggles and “failures” in leading from a place of authenticity and vulnerability is a beautiful demonstration of Undefended Leadership.