Perhaps 80 years is the Sweet Spot!
I saw the title of the book and immediately thought, “Oh No, Thank You!”. The idea of living 100 years is not appealing to me. At 54, there are many things that are left on my “to do” list, really important things but none inspire me to live 100 years to achieve them. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for every single day that God grants me. I am also keenly aware of how I am aging both mentally and physically. My mind does not move at the same speed that it once did nor does my body. With each day, I discover a new ailment in my body. I do, however, enjoy the wisdom that comes with aging and maturing. Living a long life just seems like and invitation for more aches and pains in my body. Perhaps I am a bit pessimist as I am currently navigating an arthritic knee that just decided to begin hurting out of the blue. The Orthopedic Surgeon said, “Oh these things happen with age” which was not very encouraging to hear. Gratton and Scott state, “Whoever you are, wherever you live and however old you are, you need to start thinking now about the decisions you will take in order to make the most of this longer life.[1] I would disagree with this statement. I aspire to live a better life with more meaningful experiences and not necessarily a longer life.
Regenerative Friendships
The most interesting part of the book for me was the section on Regenerative Friendships. I have experienced both of my parents having life-long friendships. Some that stayed consistent throughout their lifespan and some that had ebbs and flow yet remained in the fabric of their lives. As I think about living a meaningful life, it is the community of people that I am emersed in that add to the richness of the experience. Gratton and Surgeon explain this as, “the development of a posse of like-minded peers builds the professional social capital that supports us in staying productive. However, it is the network of close, positive friends who will keep you sane and happy and contribute to your vitality asset.” [2] They further explain the make-up of these by explaining that “regenerative friendships typically are built over many years; indeed, it is not unusual for them to reach back into the early days of education or working, when people are at a stage of their life when they are more ‘plastic’ about the development of relationships. [3] It is curious to me that many of my long-standing friendships, much like my parent’s friendships, are interwoven into many aspects of my life. They have grown with me through my most formative and most foolish stages. The authors bring clarity to this as they state, “These regenerative relationships are often multi-stranded, in the sense that you know your friend across many different circumstances and in different roles – at home, with their family – and inevitably share some common interests.” [4] For me, these friendships have been essential in me navigating the most challenging as well as the most rewarding seasons of my life so far. As, “These multi-stranded, emotionally laden relationships pay a central role in well-being and vitality. They provide the backdrop to a working life and often, when they reach back in time, they support the narrative and commentary about life and identity.”[5] I can get behind this, they are woven into my life and are as much a part of my histrionics as my own siblings are.
Going the Distance
If living a long life is becoming increasingly common, then the value of investing in relationships becomes more important. The things that we pour into and cultivate will bear fruit and in the case friendships, this is absolutely true. Yet there is also a complexity with having long friendships, most of them require attention especially as we progress beyond the working years. The authors make the point that, “over 100 years, these sorts of deep, emotionally leaden friendships will be both harder to keep and also more valuable.[6] They continue with pointing out that these friendships are, “harder to keep because, as people live longer and go through more transitions, the ties that bind then will loosen and potentially break as their sense of identity changes. [7] I believe that there is some truth in that. It is harder to keep them because of life changes and also it is difficult to see the physical and mental changes as we grow older. The reality is that if you live a 100-year-old life, you will have very few friends that are still living. I have witnessed this with my parents and now with my mother-in-law. It is painful to watch all of your peers pass away. I vote for the meaningful life, experiencing all the beautiful life events while I can enjoy them, remember them, and physically participate in them. Maybe that is an 80-year-old life, only God knows for sure. But what I do know is that I am grateful for my tribe and every single day that I am on this side of Heaven.
[1] Lynda Gratton and Andrew Scott, The 100-Year Life: Living and Working in an Age of Longevity (London, England: Bloomsbury Publishing, 2020), 1.
[2] Ibid., 108-9.
[4] Ibid., 109.
[5] Ibid., 109-10.
[6] Ibid., 110.
[7] Ibid., 110.
About the Author
Jonita Fair-Payton
10 responses to “Perhaps 80 years is the Sweet Spot!”
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Hi Jonita,
I’m so glad you brought up Gratton and Scott’s point about regenerative friendships! I loved this quote that you pulled from the reading, “These multi-stranded, emotionally laden relationships pay a central role in well-being and vitality. They provide the backdrop to a working life and often, when they reach back in time, they support the narrative and commentary about life and identity.” How have regenerative relationships contributed to your identity formation personally and professionally?
Jenny,
Sorry for the late response, Last week was a doozey. I think that regenerative friendships have sustained me both personally and professionally. The people that remain a part of the fabric of my life have contributed to my growth and development in important ways. It can be challenging to keep things in perspective when change happens so swiftly and drastically, it is the long-term friendships that help to frame our path…where we have been and where we are going.
Hi Jonita!
Thank you for your insightful reflection. Your focus on regenerative friendship inspires me. In my opinion, such friendship is one of the valuable “investments” in living life in old age because as we grow older, our social circle usually becomes smaller. Therefore, having friends who become our pilgrim companions in old age will help and strengthen us to live life and face all the struggles that arise at that time.
Dinka,
I agree! Friendships are an investment that are extremely valuable in our lives. It is scary to think that the people that I have grown and developed with may not be around in my golden years.
Hi Jonita,
YES. Quality over quantity.
And to the time machine that would take me back to age 20 (forget it – I was TOO dumb for words).
I just don’t have the money for a face lift or hair implants. Had I known I would live so long I would have saved up. But that would be vain!
Still, like yourself, I liked the friendships part. These folk have the most meaning to me now (at age 65) and I don’t want to loose them!
Neither do I want to loose the DLGP02 cohort.
Ahhh…Calamari moment.
Shalom.
Russell,
You are perfect.. you don’t need a face lift; it would be wasted money. : ) I agree, I do not want to lose my friendships, the Cohort ones included.
Calamari!!!!
“If living a long life is becoming increasingly common, then the value of investing in relationships becomes more important.”
Yes, this right here, this is the crux of life! What good is it to be 100-year old and alone? Relationships have to be multigenerational though. Our tucking away our elderly into facilities seems to be a good idea as far as making friends, and age appropriate activities, but what happens is their friends die. It’s harsh, lonely and eventually I hear most of them just “give up” making friends because they have hit their limit of loss. Ugh! I think 90 is a good age. anything past that I’d like to avoid:)
Jana,
Exactly!!! What good is it to be 100 and be alone and have every bone in your body ache?!?! I still think 80 ish is the right amount of time.
Jonita~
In reading your post, I felt as if I was standing right next to you! You articulated so well something that I want to go back and read in the book about regenerative friendships. I, too, witnessed life long friendships with my parents, my in-laws, and many of my older friends. One comment I will make about living into the older years is that I witnessed my mother in law make a large move to another state in her 70s. The first thing she did was commit herself to a local church body where she could be involved and she initiated her own posse. This was a woman who lived 40 plus years in one area and already had life long friends. I think I can learn a lot from her. Thanks for highlighting this point and for being honest! I really enjoyed reading your post!
Pam,
Your mother-in-law sounds like a brave and fierce woman. Thank you for sharing her story. I agree, I think that we can all learn a lot from her. Starting over is difficult at any age; it sounds like she did it and made it work for her. BRAVO!!!!