Navigating the Nerve
I cannot think of a more timely and poignant book that speaks to my leadership context than Failure of Nerve.1 It is the connection between family systems and the organizational life that leads me to consider my own leadership choices and how to grow as a “well-differentiated leader.”2 In particular, I will reflect on Friedman’s observations of the contemporary American leadership problems of letting the anxious-members set the direction, devaluation of individuation, obsession with data, and misunderstanding of the relational nature of families and institutions as it relates to how I have navigated and experienced my congregations behavior in the midst of a challenging season.3
Friedman’s words ring true in an anxiety-driven, post-COVID world, desperate for leadership. This also resonates in my context of leading a denominational church experiencing the division over the (presenting) issue of human sexuality. Of course, the real issue is not societal norms or biblical interpretation, but deeper issues in the denomination.
The church I serve found itself in the denominational squabble quite suddenly, when I discovered that a Sunday School class had been discussing the issue of human sexuality for weeks and approached me about our plans to take a vote as to whether to stay in the denomination. The response that followed is an example of letting the anxious members set the direction of the church. Our church leadership had decided not to pursue a vote months before, but now, due to our relational connection and criticism received, our church did take a vote. The fear was that if we did not take a vote those people who wanted a vote would leave. In the weeks that followed, all of these people left the church when it decided to stay in the denomination.
I see that my own leadership was often defined by devaluation of the individual and an obsession with data. My instinct was to have the difficult conversations and appeal to the previous decision the leadership of the church had made, yet after counsel and research, I felt that it did seem best to have an open forum to discuss the issue. While it was as civil as these kind of meetings can be, it only served to further entrench the positions that people already held. Many observed that all we needed was better arguments and more understanding, yet every conversation was met with a rebuttal citing an opposite appeal to data.
This experience has taught me to take seriously the relational nature of family-systems in churches. As Friedman observes, one of the problems is, “[a] widespread misunderstanding about the relational nature of destructive processes in families and institutions that leads leaders to assume that toxic forces can be regulated through reasonableness, love, insight, role-modeling, inculcation of values, and striving for consensus.”4 The church I serve has avoided difficult conversations for years (decades), further, tensions were avoided and only whispered about among trusted groups. Much like a family, we sacrificed proximity for genuine relational connection that can only be developed when we enter into challenging seasons with openness and honesty.
Friedman has given a stark assessment of organizations and leadership that is detrimental to ignore. The reality of his observations accurately portray the family dynamics within the church I serve and how we have responded to a tension-filled season. My hope is that I as I reflect on this experience, that I will continue to grow as a differentiated, non-anxious leader that can provide the vision our church needs for the future.
- Friedman, Edwin H, Margaret M Treadwell, and Edward W Beal. 2017. A Failure of Nerve : Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix. New York: Church Publishing.
- Ibid., 16.
- Ibid., 13-14.
- Ibid., 14.
About the Author
Chad McSwain
Chad is a systematic creative serving in pastoral ministry for nearly 20 years, Chad is a professional question-asker and white-board enthusiast, who enjoys helping people discover their own passions and purpose. A life-long learner, he has a B.A, Philosophy - Univ. Central Oklahoma, M.A Theology - Fuller Seminary, M.Div. Perkins School of Theology at SMU and is pursuing a Doctor of Leadership - George Fox University. He is an ordained Elder in the United Methodist Church, currently serving as Lead Pastor of Whitesboro UMC. Chad and his wife, Brandi live in Prosper, Texas along with their three children, two pugs and a chameleon.10 responses to “Navigating the Nerve”
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Chad,
The book definitely seemed to hit home for you after the recent experience with your church.
Standing on the outside looking in it does seem like you took the best course of action. Looking back what one thing would you do differently?
Audrey
Hi Audrey
Thanks for your question. I feel that I did the best I could with the information and experience I had at the time. I will certainly continue to reflect and learn from navigating the decisions made along the way. Considering that the people who raised this issue have left the church, I don’t see any difference in outcome if I had lead our Board to hold to the decision we already made (some of the Board members pushed to do this). I see this as leading with nerve in the face of opposition – holding our ground for the best of the organization and being true to the charge on the Board. Simply, I think I let the anxious people drive the conversation while trying to respond with data and that did not work.
Have you had to face a similar situation and how did you respond?
Chad,
Great question. I’ve had similar situations – one, in particular, was when I was leading a team of 14 highly skilled systems engineers. An annual employee survey revealed that many on my team did not trust upper management. The short story was I held six weekly meetings with representative members of the team to discuss the issues. One very vocal person who did not trust management attended and in the end thought it had been a waste of time. Initially, I was disappointed – but then thought there was good that came of it. Other members were able to express themselves, the feedback from the group was helpful for me and upper management became more sensitive to the opinions of the team. The lesson for me – was to do the right thing or as best I knew how at the time and, there are some people you will not please. Shake the dust off your feet.
Leaders will de-brief after significant events to understand lessons learned by asking questions of their team and by self-examination. You are a great leader.
Chad,
What you have shared is not easy. I’ve been thinking about your post and wanting to join you in your processing.
I’m left wondering with you….then what?
after considering:
the problems is, “[a] widespread misunderstanding about the relational nature of destructive processes in families and institutions that leads leaders to assume that toxic forces can be regulated through reasonableness, love, insight, role-modeling, inculcation of values, and striving for consensus.”
You stated that openness and honesty are important. How do you see these qualities being brought to the conversation with church members? Are there other factors to be considered in seeking dialogue with congregants?
My heartfelt prayer is that God will give you wisdom!
Great question. I think being able to name (or invite conversation) about what the underlying issues are for each person while holding to the best decision for the entire organization. So, responding individually, while leading for the entire group. I think honesty would be to ask questions and push those in conversation to uncover what is the true motivation, fear, or anxiety and say things like, “you seem really anxious over this” and give them a chance to respond.
When I was reading Friedman, I kept thinking of a phrase I use with my children when they come with a demanding request. I say to them, “I don’t negotiate with terrorist.” I then remind them that if they want to talk it through that I would be happy to do that. What my children have learned is that I will not get caught up in their emotion and reaction. I want to lead more like I parent (which brings me to the fact that I am younger than most of the people in my congregation, but that may be another conversation).
I appreciate your thoughts here.
Thank you for sharing your parental wisdom. I am hoping to remember “I don’t negotiate with a terrorist” adage in communicating with my young adult children.
I’m wondering how your age impacts your pastoring a church with primarily older congregants? Have you pastored in other positions where the majority of parishioners were younger than you? I know you have had multiple assignments. Feel free to not answer. I am sure this would take some time to unpack. I want to empathize with you- it must be a struggle and possibly a burden to have the age difference between you and the “high stake” members (you mentioned during zoom today). It is my prayer that the Lord would encourage you and grant you favor!
Chad, gosh I know this transition with you and your church has been difficult and I see that you will be grasping for assurances within this text as you move forward.
Do you think that your church is at a place where they could read this book with you as a study?
Chad, these must be Nerve-racking leadership tasks you are dealing with, especially considering the congregation leadership and the denomination decisions. Leadership amidst strife must be the most challenging place to lead, whether in circular or religious organizations.
Chad,
Your post brought to mind the soul-searching conversations our group had during the “40-minute” wait in line at Table mountain (that took hours). The things each one shared left deep impressions on my mind and heart. Thank you for those things you chose to share again here in this post about your journey with your congregation. Praying for you and your church.
Chad, I loved your post. Your heart is all over it and I recall talking to you about this situation in Cape Town. It’s sad to see any kind of division in the church. I also hate that the media and our US culture has pushed some denominations into a corner. I think it’s some what of a lose/lose situation but you handled it well. You are a differentiated leader from what I have gatherd and your congregation is lucky to you have you.