My Deep Change
As I read the Deep Change book by Robert Quinn, I found a few powerful quotes that directly apply to a “deep change” that took place in my life a number of years ago. I feel it would most beneficial to me, and hopefully you, for me to tell my story in light of each of these quotes. Let’s start with the basic definition of deep change offered by Quinn…“Deep change differs from incremental change in that it requires new ways of thinking and behaving. It is change that is major in scope, discontinuous with the past and generally irreversible. The deep change effort distorts existing patterns of action and involves taking risks. Deep change means surrendering control.”[1]
Deep change requires new ways of thinking a behaving:
Back when our kids were ages 1 and 2 my wife and I decided to make a deep change in the way we did life. At the time I was working about 60 hours a week at our church as the Executive Pastor in charge of all budgets, staff and facilities. I was constantly at church working tirelessly or attending one meeting or another, while my wife and kids were at home (where I should have been). After reading a book called Equal to the Task by Ruth Haley Barton I realized something major needed to change, and it started with a change in the way I thought about ministry and family life balance. It also needed to reflect my deep desire to be home more and be an integral part of raising our son and daughter. Although I was instrumental in bringing our church from 150 to 700 in a few short years, I needed to change how many hours I worked outside the home.
It is change that is major in scope, discontinuous with the past and generally irreversible:
It was major alright! I was the primary provider for our family, which also provided the healthcare, retirement, paid vacations, etc. Church ministry is what I went to school for and had been called to, and now I was considering changing it all. I decided I needed to partner with my wife as her equal and move to a part-time role at the church so I could support my wife’s new counseling career and participate as a father at the level I desired (which was much more than I was currently, and I was tired of missing out on what was going on at home with my little ones). Because I had a major heart change and the decision was made in my heart, it was basically irreversible and would definitely cause me not to continue with what I was doing in the past.
The deep change effort distorts existing patterns of action and involves taking risks:
I didn’t realize the degree of the risk at first because I thought all it involved was going to the Senior Pastor and church board and asking if I could switch to part-time so I could be home with my kids. To my surprise, they were not supportive of that idea at all. After 6 months of deliberating what they were going to do with my request, they decided that the Executive Pastor position was only a full-time position so I would need to resign from that position and I would no longer be considered one of the pastoral staff (mind you, I was an ordained pastor who served this church with my heart and soul for the past 8 years and had a masters degree). They said if I was determined to go part-time, they would create a part-time office employee position for me just to keep me around but I would lose all benefits. Needless to say, I was devastated and I did not have a plan B. This is where my pattern of action ended up getting severely distorted and I had to take a huge risk. What I thought would be a minor change in my hours at the church, ended up being me resigning from the church and finding a new job that supported my commitment to be an equal partner with my wife with raising our kids.
Deep change means surrendering control:
This is where we had to surrender complete control over to the Lord for Him to provide a way. I was choosing to walk away from my call to church ministry and from the only source providing for of our material needs. Thankfully, my wife had a few counseling clients, but this was going to be far from meeting our financial needs. The Lord ended up providing a construction job for me with a friend of ours and He continued to increase clients for both of us, since I also joined her in the counseling practice in the evenings after my construction job. God truly became our Great Provider as we daily surrendered our control over to Him. (God quickly provided enough clients for both of us so I could quit the construction job)
The next quote that resonated with my deep change was…“To make deep personal change is to develop a new paradigm, a new self, one that is more effectively aligned with today’s realities.”[2]
We definitely had to develop a new paradigm, and I never imagined how different it would end up being. I finally was able to realize and align my life with the reality of being home with our kids half of the time, instead of at work all of the time. What I didn’t realize is that I walked into a kind of reverse discrimination situation with how I was treated as a stay-at-home dad. Other moms didn’t know what to do with me and struggled to even allow my kids to have play dates with their kids. They always asked why I wasn’t at work and appeared to look at me sideways when I would volunteer at my kids’ school. I later overcame this and became the school’s first male PTO President. It was a little awkward being me with all the ladies, but we all got used to it and accomplished some great things for the school. My favorite part was how proud my kids were of me being in that position and hanging out at their school all the time.
And last but not least, the following quote will take us home…“ ‘Traveling naked into the land of uncertainty’ allows for another kind of learning, a learning that helps us forget what we know and discover what we need. It leads to the discovery that helps us create the future.”[3]
Boy did I feel like I was traveling naked into the land of uncertainty! I learned so my valuable things and most importantly I learned what I needed. I realized I definitely needed to be home with my kids; I needed to support my wife’s career and be an equal partner with her in raising our kids; I needed to change the way I saw my calling to ministry (I realized God made our counseling practice our new ministry); and I needed to learn how to truly surrender my control over to my Heavenly Father. I am forever grateful for the future we created with our shared parenting and shared providing model (we now realize it’s called Peer Marriage model), the incredibly successful counseling ministry, and the rich relationship I have with my kids today because of my “deep change”. People always ask me if I have any regrets, and I always respond with…“My only regret is that I didn’t make the change sooner.”
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[1] Robert E. Quinn, Deep Change: Discovering the Leader Within, Kindle Edition, Locations 114-115.
About the Author
Jake Dean-Hill
Currently a Marriage & Family Therapist in private practice. Ordained minister with 10 years of prior full-time church ministry experience and currently volunteering with a local church plant. Also working with companies as a Corporate Leadership Coach.8 responses to “My Deep Change”
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Jake,
Great “deep change” testimony and blessing for you and your young family! Praise the Lord that you listened to the Holy Spirit’s conviction. The PTO “DAD” is a great story and future screenplay in the making for sure. Thanks so much for sharing your life. JoAnne and I had a deep change story too when our lives in Public Safety-Military were transformed into volunteer cross-cultural Missionaries. God loves variety, and nothing goes to waste in His economy.
Hope to see you in HK.
Stand firm,
M. Webb
Thanks Mike I feel blessed to have lived my story. I can only imagine the extreme change you guys went through with becoming cross-cultural missionaries. Listening to God’s voice is not always easy but it is always a blessing.
Standing Firm, Jake
Hi Jake,
Wow, Wow, WOW. I am so impressed and I appreciate greatly your blog. Thank you so much for sharing. Most of all, thanks for being willing to undergo DEEP CHANGE at quite a sacrifice.
I love your closing comment. Well done, and see you this Fall.
Thanks Jay, you are always so kind and I have to say, the sacrifice was well worth what I was able to have with my kids. You are a blessing to me as well. Look forward to seeing you in HK!
Blessings, Jake
I’m so glad I got to hear this story in person. You and Jenn are an inspiration, and I’m so glad you have lived so fully and successfully into your call.
Thanks Jenn, we had fun hearing your story and sharing ours with you as well. We feel blessed to have been blessed by God with the risks we took for His call. Thanks for the sacrifice you guys have made for His Kingdom as well. Look forward to hanging with you guys again in HK.
Jake.
What a walk of faith. I don’t want to make lite of what was obviously a very scary time that you were able to not only live out but model for your family. Thanks for you spirit of grace and understanding and look forward to playing in HK with you all.
Jake,
You are an inspiration in your courage and ability to navigate this very deep change. God is pleased that you desired to be an equal partner and parent in your marriage. Well done, good and faithful servant. Thank you also for always giving voice to the egalitarian model. And again, I apologize on behalf of Christians out there who were short sighted in their decision making…something the modern day church struggles with daily. Can’t wait to see you again soon! Miss our friends!