More Blessed to Give When You First Receive
Self-assessments, personality tests, and self-help methods are things I like to explore. I enjoy learning, especially new theories and trends. I go through phases, learning what I can, sharing with those who may seem interested, and finally applying what is relevant before I move on to a new subject. As I started to read Leading Out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership by Simon Walker, I knew I was going to like the book. It addresses leadership as being dynamics between “trust” and “power.” Walker states that the internal character of a leader is what comes out in their leadership style. An “undefended leader” is someone who has the liberty to be their authentic self from the inside out.[1] According to the book, we all wrestle with self-doubt. To cope with this self-doubt, we develop ways of defending ourselves in childhood.[2] Walker explains four different leadership defense mechanisms that are developed in childhood. These are called “leadership egos.” The shaping, defining, adapting, and defending leadership egos are shaped primarily through trust or a lack of trust concerning self and others.[3]
I identify most with the “The Shaping Ego.” This ego develops a high level of trust in oneself and others. Walker describes this leadership ego as “overconfidence and paternalism.”[4] My shaping ego wants to fight back and re-frame this as “self-assurance and assertiveness.” As I read the book, I tried to learn from the insights and suggestions specific to this leadership ego.
Chapter Twelve, The Freedom to Give: Cultivating Undefended Leadership, particularly caught my attention.[5] The chapter starts with a quote by Robert Greenleaf, the founder of the “Servant Leadership Theory.” I have been a servant leadership advocate for years. It is a big part of my NPO for this doctoral program. I was intrigued when Walker suggested that Servant Leadership, while having validity, needs to be further examined when addressing those in social leadership—people like me, who advocate for and embrace servant leadership. Walker identified four characteristics that emerge when dealing with social leaders:
- Difficulty relinquishing the role as “volunteer.”[6]
- Need for affirmation and approval.[7]
- The inability to be served.[8]
- Resentment of what has been given.[9]
He goes on to say,
A significant percentage of people in social leadership, motivated by [Greenleaf’s] vision of servant leadership, may fail to find [love and grace to serve others] within themselves and instead run dry. So, they resort to constructing other kinds of collusion that secure them other, emotional rewards for their work. The danger in this is that not only will they end up exhausted and bitter but their followers will end up hurt.[10]
I have seen this in social leaders and my own life. Working as a nurse practitioner and living cross-culturally, I am surrounded by service-driven people. Early on in both healthcare and humanitarian work, I saw that just because people “serve” for a profession does not mean they are doing it for altruistic motivations. It is also possible what was started with noble intentions was continued in one’s strength and therefore “ran out.”
Society affirms these “sacrificial careers.” Healthcare workers are praised for dealing with trauma, body fluid, and “life and death” situations, while working holidays, weekends, and nightshift. Cross-cultural workers are placed on pedestals for doing what others would not want to do—living away from home, giving up the luxuries of the developed world (the internet is the problem I am currently dealing with!), and regularly battling parasites and critters. All too often the attention on the “sacrifices” becomes one’s identity, affirmation, and motivation to continue. Those forgotten are the ones receiving the care and service—the patients and the recipients of aid. They have become a means of self-fulfillment for those social leaders. This is not always true of everyone all the time. But it is a reality, often. It is a reality for me; I must check my motivations constantly. What do we do with this?
Walker suggests that we cannot give without first receiving. When we have been the recipients of generosity, more specifically Divine generosity, we can then give generously. God gives from an endless supply and thus, in relationship with him, we can receive from Him and allow that outflow in our own lives.[11] I believe the fundamental issues of leadership go back to our relationship with God. Am I trusting in the omnipotent God to give me everything I need? It is through my trust in Him, that I can receive what He offers without limits.
How can this outflow into servant leadership? Robert Greenleaf, referring to servant leadership, gives a way to measure if this servant leadership model is working,
The best test, and difficult to administer, is: do those served grow as persons; do they, while being served, become healthier, wiser, freer, more autonomous, more likely themselves to become servants? And what is the effect on the least privileged in society; will they benefit, or at least, not be further deprived?[12]
Perhaps the servant-leader must first ask this of himself or herself: Before I serve and while I am serving, am I becoming healthier, wiser, freer, and more autonomous (for Christians, more reliant) through the grace and love of the omniscient God? It is then that this can outflow into one’s leadership as a servant-leader and an undefended leader.
Acts 20:35 (ESV), “In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’”
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[1] Simon P Walker, “Leading out of Who You Are,” 2016, 22.
[2] Ibid., 27-28.
[3] Ibid.,135.
[4] Ibid., 80.
[5] Ibid., 144.
[6] Ibid, 146.
[7] Ibid, 146.
[8] Ibid., 147.
[9] Ibid., 147.
[10] Ibid., 147-148.
[11] Ibid., 151.
[12] Robert K. Greenleaf, The Servant as Leader, Rev. Ed. (Westfield, IN: Greenleaf Center for Servant Leadership, 1973), 7.
About the Author
Kari
Kari is a passionate follower of Jesus. Her journey with Him currently has her living in the Sahara in North Africa. With over a decade of experience as a family nurse practitioner and living cross-culturally, she enjoys being a champion for others. She combines her cross-cultural experience, her health care profession, and her skills in coaching to encourage holistic health and growth. She desires to see each person she encounters walk in fullness of joy, fulfilling their God-designed purpose. “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” Romans 12:12 ESV18 responses to “More Blessed to Give When You First Receive”
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Kari,
I laughed when I read this sentence from you,
“My shaping ego wants to fight back and re-frame this as “self-assurance and assertiveness.””
Where do you think that push back comes from? One of the things I learned when going through my Masters of Spiritual Formation program is that there is a shadow and light side to everyone. If you identify with self-assuredness and assertiveness, what are the shadows of that and how do you meet them and work through them?
Also, having been a missionary for just shy of 10 years, this statement hit home for me as well, “I saw that just because people “serve” for a profession does not mean they are doing it for altruistic motivations,” because I saw that when I was in the field. How do you approach that and help the person see the harm they are doing? I’m asking for purely selfish reasons :-).
Oh, Nancy, you are asking too many questions that I don’t like to think about!!! Hahaha. I do need to be pushed towards these 😉! The push-back comes from naturally avoiding negative feelings and thoughts. The shadows are fears of insignificance and pain. I meet the fear of insignificance (insecurity) by taking that to God and letting him speak into that. In times of pain, loss, and grief, I am (slowly!) learning to sit in that and allow God to meet me there. My natural instinct is to re-frame or run in the opposite direction.
In dealing with other people, I try to first connect and build relationships before I speak too much, or too quickly. When there is trust, I try to speak the truth lovingly. Some people do not want to hear the truth or see the harm, especially if it is where they are getting praise and admiration through their actions. In those situations, I need to step away and trust the Holy Spirit to convict and protect. Thanks for the great questions!
Hey Kari, thanks for your post. How do you ensure that your motivations for service remain aligned with genuine altruism and not merely seeking affirmation or identity through the act of serving others?
Thanks for the great question, Glyn. I have several people that I have asked to speak into my life specifically in this area. I try to be vulnerable with them and share where and when I may be prone to allow prideful motives to take over my calling. They check in with me regularly which helps to hold me and my motives accountable.
When my motives are not aligned with God, I have internal turmoil and a lack of peace. That is when I know I need to go to the Lord and spend time in prayer and confession. Honestly, it is sometimes hard to take that first step of obedience. May God keep convicting me in this area!
Kari, thanks for sharing as always! I too am curious about your response to Nancy’s question 😉
Also, you said that an “undefended leader” is someone who has the liberty to be their authentic self from the inside out. I’d love to hear your thoughts on what it looks like and how to foster this when working cross-culturally?
Ahh! I wish I had a good answer to this, Akwése! I spend a lot of time praying and asking for wisdom on how to be my authentic self cross-culturally. It definitely starts with having a solid identity before God. Having confidence in Him helps me to have the courage to be goofy, make mistakes, and laugh with others (often at myself!). I also need to trust that God will guide and direct me cross-culturally to build relationships. If He will help me with connection, He also helps guide me in preventing (and repairing) damaging, cross-cultural actions, too.
Hi Kari – Thanks for your honest post. So much of what you said resonates with me. What may begin with altruistic motivations can somehow become warped over time and ridden with selfishness in the long run.
How does this even happen? How do you guard against this?
Asking for a friend 🙂
It is nice to know I’m not alone, Christy! It happens to me because I am a selfish person who craves words of affirmation. A way I guard against it is by having a close circle of people who know where and when I am vulnerable in this area (usually when I’m in the US presenting to groups and individuals). I try to not climb up on pedestals that others may try to put me on. The close group checks in on me and I try to be open with them.
Hi Kari! Thanks for this. I appreciated how you highlighted the sacrificial careers. Those who do this work also run, I believe, a greater risk for the negative backstage behaviors and traits which Walker outlines. As you speak of checking your motivation, have you ever felt the pressure of being motivated simply for the front-stage audience?
Daren, you are absolutely correct. I believe there is too much emphasis on the front stage and putting people on pedestals rather than holding them accountable on the backstage. We’ve all seen great leaders fall because of backstage moral failures. I absolutely feel the pressure to have an excellent front-stage show. As I’ve mentioned in my reply to Christy, I have invited a few close friends to help me keep my backstage in order.
Hi Kari,
One of the reasons I love this type of learning is to get to read some of the things that I missed in the book. Your post struck me in different ways. First, the quote “Walker suggests that we cannot give without first receiving,” I love to give (I am a people pleaser) and really suck at receiving (unless it’s tacos). I have to think about that statement a bit.
Then, it’s trusting God for provisions. I say that a lot and try to believe it, but dang, it’s not always easy!!
So I have to ask… are you “becoming healthier, wiser, freer, and more autonomous”? I pray that you are, and imagine it to be so.
Chris, thank you for your kind words. I, too, have no issues receiving tacos (and other delicious foods and luxuries in life)! The deeper emotional things are harder for me to receive. By God’s grace, I am on a journey where I am becoming healthier, wiser, freer, and more autonomous.
Thank you for this discussion of servant leadership Kari. Where is your servant leadership do you feel the tension between “becoming healthier, wiser, freer, and more autonomous” and the four characteristics that emerge when dealing with social leaders?
Thank you for the great question, Debbie. Personally, the biggest tension for me is being served, specifically where I am emotionally vulnerable. It is hard for me to let people into that part of my heart and let them see where I am not “ok” and most need to be served. God is working in my heart ! Not so long ago, I would not have even been able to acknowledge this.
Thanks for your post, Kari. The idea that we cannot give without first receiving is such a powerful grace principle. How do you keep yourself regularly drinking from the stream of grace? Also, what are the “warning lights” on your dashboard that alert you to Walker’s concern about servant leadership?
Thanks for the good questions, Graham. Drinking from streams of grace starts first with me stopping for a weekly sabbath or when warning lights come on. This usually means I have to say “no” to something else, which is a vital, but hard lesson to learn. During that stillness spending time with the Lord, listening to him, and having times of silence before him. He is always faithful to help me identify where I need additional grace.
My warning lights include: 1) feeling like I am the one always giving and never receiving, 2) not feeling appreciated, and 3) starting to resent or avoid people. A “late” warning sign is when I feel tired and my schedule has been full without scheduled rest or sabbath time.
Hi Kari. Thank you for a very insightful post. I like how you challenge us by asking if we are growing as a result of our service. I get caught up in this so many times that I often end up serving for the wrong reasons.
Thank you for your kind words, Noel.