Marital Christ-like Communication: Lessons from Glanzer’s Sound Theology Perspective
“Providing kingdom-seeking, God-honoring, biblically rooted influence
requires that one has an ongoing, intimate interaction with God”
-Jules Glanzer-
The head of Badan Kependudukan Keluarga Berencana Nasional (translated: National Population and Family Planning Board) Indonesia, Dr. Hasto Hardoyo mentions in his statement that “Currently, the divorce (rate) is high because in many families the original family is a toxic person meeting a sane person, a sane person meeting a toxic person or a toxic person meeting a toxic person, eventually they keep fighting and a divorce occurs.”[1] Based on the government’s data in 2021 in Indonesia “there were 581 thousand divorced families, while the number of marriages in that year reached 1.9 million.”[2] Stephani Sarkis explains that toxic people used to “have harmful behaviors that can have lasting impacts on those around them, often self-centered, manipulative, abusive, and lacking in empathy. They may be referred to as narcissistic, selfish, or sociopathic. They may mask their negative traits by being charming or friendly.”[3]
Nowadays we see and hear about many toxic people and toxic relationships, including in marital relationships. According to my ministerial experiences, I encounter this phenomenon in counseling many husbands and wives who speak harmfully to their spouses and their children. Dr. Cortney Warren, a Harvard-trained psychologist mentions there are several toxic phrases in marital relationships. Some of them are: “You don’t deserve me; I hate you; you are a bad parent.”[4] Toxic communication, such as having a lack of hearing capabilities and speaking using toxic words will threaten marital relationships.
Glanzer’s book, The Sound of Leadership, leads us to build good leadership in many contexts. However, this book also helps us to establish a supportive marriage because it has bunches of guidance to be competent and positive leaders and persons. Glanzer’s most inspiring view regarding the above is when he mentioned the importance of an attitude that always seeks God as the most important thing. He emphasized how important it is to have an attitude that is willing to hear and see, which he interprets as an attitude that wants to discern God’s will. He writes, “More important than listening to the people is listening to the voice of God. God’s call to leadership and guidance along the way is one of the foundational tones to God-honoring, kingdom-seeking, biblically rooted leadership.”[5] Not only listened to God’s voice, but he also emphasized the importance of seeing as God sees. He writes, “Carefully observe the various aspects of the situation and attempt to see the situation the way God sees it. Observing the who, what, when, where, and why of a situation provides the leader with a healthy view of the perceived reality.”[6] As we believe in our faith, the Bible teaches that God is love, so with someone, whether she or he is a leader, or she or he is a husband or wife, they will be guided by the Holy Spirit to hear and see with the perspective of love that comes from God.
In this era filled with advances in digital technology, many leaders, as well as many husbands or wives, are confused about how to build constructive and loving communication. Digital technology, the internet, and social media present many voices who claim to have the authority of their truth. If a person is not aware of this, then all the information he receives will just enter him so that what he says, does, and decides is greatly influenced by these voices. This likely is one of the main causes of many leaders, husbands, and wives taking wrong actions and decisions because what they hear is not God’s voice first, what they see is not God’s perspective in viewing and analyzing situations and conditions. Glanzer warns us regarding this issue. He says, “Most leaders will confess that decision-making is stressful when multiple voices are clamoring for your attention and often demanding compliance with their view.”[7] Glanzer proposes enlightening reflective questions to us regarding this issue, “When many voices are clamoring for your attention, how do you determine which voice to listen to? What questions do you ask to demonstrate you are genuinely seeking to hear and understand their concerns?”[8] That is why nowadays we hear a lot of authoritarian leaders or harsh husbands and wives. They do not want to listen to each other. They only want to be heard and followed.
This book helped me in forming my leadership competencies in my ministry, as well as in carrying out my role as a husband and father in the family. Therefore, while reading this book, the first thing that came to my mind was how to relate it to my NPO which discusses marital enrichment in Christian families in my ministry context. This book teaches about primary integrity in carrying out leadership that wants to listen and see as Christ listens and sees. This noble character is humility. According to Glanzer, “Humility is an attitude that demonstrates an inner quality of self-confidence with an outward expression of worthiness. Humble people think more of others than of themselves, accept responsibility rather than assessing blame, and refrain from boasting about their accomplishments.”[9] Glanzer’s book helped us to listen to the sound of the gospel that Christ delivered to us. It helped us to be aware of the tendency to be a toxic person and helped us to avoid the potential of the emergence of toxic relationships in the church and family. Therefore, Christ-like leadership is a basic need to enhance our leadership and relationship quality, as the Bible says in James 1:19, “ My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
[1] https://www.bkkbn.go.id/berita-kepala-bkkbn-penyebab-banyaknya-perceraian-karena-toxic-people. Accessed on November 1, 2023.
[2] https://www.bkkbn.go.id/berita-kepala-bkkbn-penyebab-banyaknya-perceraian-karena-toxic-people. Accessed on November 1, 2023.
[3] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/202306/why-toxic-people-are-so-harmful. Accessed on November 1, 2023.
[4] https://www.cnbc.com/2023/02/13/harvard-trained-psychologist-toxic-phrases-that-can-slowly-destroy-your-relationship-or-marriage.html. Accessed on November 1, 2023.
[5] Jules Glanzer, The Sound of Leadership: Kingdom Notes to Fine Tune Your Life and Influence (Plano, TX: Invite Press, 2023), Scribd Version, page 39 of 230.
[6] Jules Glanzer, The Sound of Leadership.
[7] Jules Glanzer, The Sound of Leadership, page 56 of 230.
[8] Jules Glanzer, The Sound of Leadership, page 63 of 230.
[9] Jules Glanzer, The Sound of Leadership, page 102 of 230.
About the Author
Dinka Utomo
Dinka Nehemia Utomo is an ordained pastor of the Protestant Church in the Western part of Indonesia (Gereja Protestan di Indonesia bagian Barat or GPIB). He has served for more than 15 years. The first five years of his ministry were in the remote area of East Kalimantan, including people from the indigenous Dayak tribe in the small villages in the middle of the forest, frequently reached using small boats down the river. For more than 15 years, Dinka has served several GPIB congregations in several cities in Indonesia. He has always had a passion for equipping Christian families, teaching and guiding them to build equal relations between husband and wife, maintaining commitment, love, and loyalty, creating a healthy and constructive Christian family atmosphere, and rejecting all forms of violence and sexual violence. Dinka's beloved wife, Verra, is also a GPIB pastor. They have two blessed children. Dinka and his wife and children love to spend quality family time, such as lunch or dinner, and vacation to exotic places.10 responses to “Marital Christ-like Communication: Lessons from Glanzer’s Sound Theology Perspective”
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Hi Dinka,
I enjoyed your post and your application of our reading this week to your NPO. The leadership qualities Glanzer talks about and that you highlighted are relational qualities. Listening with love and responding with empathy and humility are powerful leadership tools in marriages, in all spheres relationships, and leadership. I would love to hear more about how you will use this information with your NPO? Also, the statistics you quoted about divorce in Indonesia, “the number reach 581 thousand divorced families, while the number of marriages a year is 1.9 million.” Was that across the general population? Do you think it is different based on one’s stated religion? I was sadden to see the numbers were so high.
Hi Jenny! Thank you for your comment. I appreciate it.
I will apply the main values of the learning that Glanz provides in this book to my NPO. The main thing he emphasized was to discern God’s voice. When a marriage makes God the main priority above everything else, God’s will will fulfill and guide the marriage. Husband and wife will work together to build communication that supports and strengthens each other.
Regarding the data I quoted, it is based on national calculations in our country which occurred in 2021 (I did a little editing in the sentence above to make it clearer).
Blessings!
Dinka- I enjoyed reading your reflections on this week’s reading. I read and re-read this part: “‘When many voices are clamoring for your attention, how do you determine which voice to listen to? What questions do you ask to demonstrate you are genuinely seeking to hear and understand their concerns?’ That is why nowadays we hear a lot of authoritarian leaders or harsh husbands and wives. They do not want to listen to each other. They only want to be heard and followed.” This made me think about David Brooks’ book that came out this week titled: “How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen.” I haven’t read it yet, but I have read several of his articles on the same topic, and he, like you, is connecting the need to really hear others to large, global problems that we are currently experiencing. I am curious: in your counseling of couples, what methods do you suggest they use to break the narcissistic, selfish cycles you describe?
Hi Jenn, thanks for asking.
The first way is to ask each of them to write down the positive sides of their spouse and say it in front of their spouse in an appreciative style.
Second, I will ask each of them to write down their weaknesses.
Then I will ask them to pray to each other sincerely.
Dinka, I love the connection you make between this book and marriage/your NPO. It’s amazing to me how different people see different things in the books we are reading, and our blogging pulls that out in ways that are life-giving as we engage varied perspectives. That just underscores the unique 5% that Glanzer points out in his book.
Hi Tim!
Absolutely!
And it shows how God’s sound works in many ways.
I am grateful for this Glanzer quote “Humility is an attitude that demonstrates an inner quality of self-confidence with an outward expression of worthiness. Humble people think more of others than of themselves, accept responsibility rather than assessing blame, and refrain from boasting about their accomplishments.” How does humility play out in your culture? Especially for Men? Just curious.
Hi Jana! It is such a good question.
In the Indonesian context, the perspective of patriarchy is profound. The majority of men here hold this perspective, including in Christianity. It places women as men’s subordinates.
Therefore one of my concerns is how to teach and educate the men in the church to promote equality between women and men.
Every man in the world has to humbly acknowledge that God created women and men in equality.
Hi Dinka,
Your post touched so many great points. You wrote,”According to Glanzer, “Humility is an attitude that demonstrates an inner quality of self-confidence with an outward expression of worthiness. Humble people think more of others than of themselves, accept responsibility rather than assessing blame, and refrain from boasting about their accomplishments.”
Humility is something I have come to admire in one of the men I work with. I don’t see it modeled very often, so my experience with it is limited.
Type “A” personalities…”go getters”…are valued in the U.S.A leadership market. Humility is not valued.
Great Sadness…. Thank you for highlighting humility.
Also thank you for reminding me of my favorite James verse…..
Shalom…
Dinka,
What a great post and connection to relationships!!! When you mentioned, “Digital technology, the internet, and social media present many voices who claim to have the authority of their truth. If a person is not aware of this, then all the information he receives will just enter him so that what he says, does, and decides is greatly influenced by these voices,” it connected with some of my understanding of spiritual formation as we participate with the Holy Spirit to critically consider what we invite to form (conform into His likeness) or deform us. Thank you for helping to connect some of the dots.