Mapping the Hidden Self: Thresholds in the Soul and Identity of a Leader
Over the last several months, Friedman and Walker have drawn me into an unexpected inner conversation, one that has reshaped how I think about leadership, identity, and the kind of person I want to become.
Both authors insist that leadership is not, at its core, about motivating, influencing, fixing, or controlling others. Leadership is about who I am becoming.
This simple but disruptive insight has touched some of my deepest anxieties and growth edges. I now see that the real work of leadership is interior work. It involves noticing the hidden places where I seek approval, where I protect myself, and where I am tempted to measure my worth by my contributions and achievements rather than by God’s delight in me.
I know myself well enough to understand how my Enneagram personality patterns shape these dynamics. Scoring very high Three energy with almost as high Two energy, I am driven to achieve and contribute, yet I also long for connection, significance, and affirmation. This combination makes undefended leadership particularly challenging. I want to shine, but I also want to stay in a warm, mutual relationship with others.
Making space for others to lead—especially in areas that feel core to my identity—touches a vulnerable place in me. Sometimes I am genuinely delighted to see others flourish, and other times I feel frustrated that I must give up doing something I love and where I have competence, to others, regardless of their level of competence.
This tension is one of my most significant growth edges. It calls me to live into my own emerging leadership triad: being Connected, Courageous, and Confident (which are the more “positive” terms I developed, instead of non-anxious, undefended, and differentiated, respectively).
The Growth Edge
A recurring example brings this home vividly. In every church I have served, including my current congregation, worship leadership has been one of the primary ways I connect with God. While I can worship in the pews, something in me comes alive when I’m leading music. So when pastors give others opportunities to lead, it often stirs a quiet sense of loss—sometimes even the irrational feeling of being overlooked or displaced. I know intellectually this isn’t true; I know that both people and God value my contributions. Yet emotionally, it stirs that inner conflict between wanting to contribute and wanting to stay connected.
Friedman’s explanation that he hopes to “encourage leaders to focus first on their own integrity and on the nature of their own presence” [1] has helped me reframe these moments. Rather than reacting from anxiety or withdrawing in disappointment, I am learning to articulate who I am and what I value with clarity and calm:
I love leading worship; it is central to how I connect with God. I also value sharing leadership so the whole body can flourish. I want to participate fully and to celebrate others fully. This requires inner balance and trust in God’s orchestration of our shared ministry.
Focusing on what sort of presence I bring into a room or conversation is helping me respond thoughtfully rather than react thoughtlessly. It allows me to stay connected without being fused, courageous without being defensive, and confident without being controlling.
Walker pushes me even further. His invitation to undefended leadership exposes the deeper truth: when I feel threatened by needing to step back, it reveals something backstage—there must be some old pattern or unmet emotional need that still seeks security through performance, visibility, or affirmation.
Walker’s description of the Shaping Ego—energized by self-assured leadership [2]—alongside the Defining Ego—”often the highest achievers, able to marshal considerable personal resources of discipline, focus and self-belief” [3]— helped me understand why stepping back sometimes feels like a knife-wound to my self-identity.
His work invites me to lead with interior freedom: to celebrate others, to step back when necessary, and to allow God to hold my identity more firmly than any role ever could. This is the work of courageous undefendedness; it’s an aspirational threshold that requires persistent grace.
Thresholds of the Soul
As I look back across my formation, I can see several “thresholds of the soul” I have crossed. One is realizing that leadership presence is not a static trait but a process of becoming. I now see myself as someone moving from Fragmented Presence to Integrated Presence, and slowly into Coherent Presence—that state where my inner world is aligned, steady, and grounded in God.
Another threshold is understanding that my leadership flows from how I relate not only to others, but to God and to my own story. Leadership for me is now a whole-life calling, not a role-specific activity. It includes how I show up in my relationships, how I navigate my ego-shape, and how I experience attachment with God.
Intellectually, the frameworks from this program have been quietly transforming me, sometimes even before I realized it. My Substack reflections from last summer already reflected the seeds of these ideas. The Three Zones of Leadership Presence and the Three C’s [4] have become lenses through which I now understand systems, ego defenses, and differentiation. Emotionally, I am learning to soften, to be less defended, and to trust my identity more deeply.
Spiritually, the Cycle of Grace (by Trevor Hudson and Jerry P. Haas) has been a lifeline. I brought it into my doctoral project for others because it has become the pattern for how I want to live: beginning with the knowledge that I am deeply loved by God, resting in that identity, and allowing everything else to flow from God’s presence. [5]
New thresholds continue to emerge, though I cannot yet name them. God has surprised me too many times for me to assume I know what comes next. What I do know is that courageous undefendedness is an invitation I must keep praying into, one day at a time. My morning walks with our dogs—sometimes with my husband, sometimes alone—have become small altars of grounding, joy, and quiet presence. My close friendships and Bible study group provide spaces where I am known, supported, and held. These relationships keep me connected, courageous, and confident.
This integrated way of understanding myself—intellectually, emotionally, spiritually—deepens my sense of vocation. I hope to continue coaching and offering spiritual direction, but I am also longing to guide other leaders through this journey toward coherent presence and flourishing. Ultimately, flourishing is what God desires for all His people. And as I continue becoming a leader who rests in her belovedness and who is connected, courageous, and confident, I hope to help others flourish as well.
On a personal note: Thank you, dear fellow doctoral travelers, for your kindness, compassion, honesty, vulnerability, and service to the Kingdom of God. I will sincerely miss each one of you. Dr. Jason, that includes you! 🙂
1 – Edwin H. Friedman, A Failure of Nerve: Leadership in the Age of the Quick Fix, rev. ed. (New York: Church Publishing, 2017), 14.
2 – Simon Walker, Leading Out of Who You Are: Discovering the Secret of Undefended Leadership (Carlisle, UK: Piquant Editions, 2007), 66.
3 – Walker, 74.
4 – Deborah Owen, “What’s Missing in Most Leadership Teaching Today,” Rooted & Rising (Substack), August 16, 2025, https://debbieowen.substack.com/p/whats-missing-in-most-leadership
5 – Trevor Hudson and Jerry Haas, The Cycle of Grace: Living in Sacred Balance (Downers Grove, IL: IVP Books, 2010), 6.
About the Author
Debbie Owen
Deborah C. Owen is an experienced spiritual director, Neuro-based Enneagram executive and life coach, disciple maker, professional writer, senior librarian, and long-time church Music Director and lay leader. She has earned the award of National Board Certification for teaching excellence, and a podcasting award, and is pursuing a Doctor of Leadership degree through Portland Seminary at George Fox University. She lives in the backwoods of Maine with her husband and flat-coated retriever. She spends as much time as she can with their 3 grown children, daughter-in-law, and 2 small grandchildren. Find her online at InsideOutMinistries.info.16 responses to “Mapping the Hidden Self: Thresholds in the Soul and Identity of a Leader”
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Hi Debbie,
It has been a pleasant journey. I have always enjoyed your blogs.
How do your relationships with God, others, and your own story shape your leadership presence?
Thank you Shela. I am grateful to have been walking this journey with you. 🙂 In answer to your question, my relationship with God starts at belovedness and moves into trust. From there, I would at least like to think that I can remain courageously undefended!
Debbie,
We come from two different worlds it seems. My West-coast non-denominational and your East-coast Mainstream church… Yet, we share a heart for the people created in God’s image. We share a heart for the gospel in that we want to see it both spoken and embodied. We share a heart for the American Church who have largely lost their way in pursuit of power. The amount of resources you are able to pilfer through and use is always amazing to me. You have found a way to bring conciliance to a variety of issues. It has been great to learn alongside you and I have also appreciated the advent book during this season.
Adam, I am so glad the book is blessing you! Thank you for letting me know.
And yes, our church backgrounds are very different – and I so appreciate learning about what else people around the country are exposed to – but it all comes down to this: Jesus Christ is Lord! When we get that right (which is not easy, apparently!), everything else flows.
Thanks again and God bless! Let’s stay in touch!
Thank you Debbie. I’m so grateful to have been on this journey with you. You are a humble and gracious leader!
Thank you Ryan! Same to you! God bless!
Hi Debbie, Thank you for your vulnerable post. I related to learning not to react from anxiety or withdraw in disappointment. I deeply appreciate all the ‘extra’ you have brought to our cohort: particularly the AI learning and the session with Peter Storey in Cape Town. But for all those doings, your own self – curious and invitational – shines above all. I bless you with peace and joy.
Thank you Julie! Blessings to you too!
Debbie, thanks for being on this journey. It’s has been great to learn from you. The amount of great content that you produce is amazing. I trust that God will use your research to heal and renew ministry leaders. Your work is important.
Thank you Graham, blessings to you, too!
Hey Debbie,
It has been such a joy getting to know you in this program. I’ve always admired your curiosity and the way you care so deeply for people. You carry a tender heart for those on the margins, and it comes through in everything you share and how you show up.
I really appreciated the way you described understanding yourself intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually in an integrated way. That felt so true to who you are. And when you wrote about coaching, offering spiritual direction, and longing to guide other leaders toward coherent presence and flourishing, it sounded exactly like the kind of work you’re made for.
Your reflection on flourishing—how it’s what God desires for all His people—was beautiful. And the way you described becoming a leader who rests in her belovedness, and who is connected, courageous, and confident, really struck me. It’s a picture of leadership that feels both hopeful and deeply grounded.
I’ve been grateful to walk alongside you in this program.
Thank you for these comments and the time you spent on the article. May God bless you too!
Hi Debbie, Thank you for sharing your plethora of resources with our cohort! I have been enjoying going through the Advent devotional. Many blessings to you as you continue to lead as a Connected, Courageous, and Confident leader!
Kari, thank you so much for letting me know that the book is blessing you! I am grateful to hear that.
You have so many gifts Kari; it has been a gift to ME to begin getting to know you. Let’s stay in touch, please! And one day, if you and/or Elysse are still there, I WILL come visit! 🙂
God bless.
Debbie, thank you for this beautiful, honest reflection. In fact, I have learned a great deal taking this journey with you and am blessed to have been in a peer group with you!
Your language of moving from Fragmented Presence to Integrated and then Coherent Presence really stayed with me—along with your reframing of non-anxious, undefended, differentiated leadership into being Connected, Courageous, and Confident. The way you described stepping back from worship leading as a “knife-wound” to identity was such a graciously truthful picture of how deeply our roles can get woven into our sense of self.
A quick question: when you notice that old “performance/visibility/affirmation” pattern starting to reassert itself, is there one concrete practice or question you return to that helps you shift back into courageous, undefended presence in the moment?
Dear friend, thank you. For your comments here, yes, and for everything I have learned from you. I am so grateful!
Two responses: First, I’m glad to hear that the zones of leadership presence and 3Cs resonate with you. This is the article I wrote last summer, even before I fully understood how I was internalizing the lessons of this program: https://open.substack.com/pub/debbieowen/p/whats-missing-in-most-leadership?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=1m6dv
Second, an answer to your question, “when you notice that old “performance/visibility/affirmation” pattern starting to reassert itself, is there one concrete practice or question you return to that helps you shift back into courageous, undefended presence in the moment?”
I have only lately begun to notice the opportunityies for applying these lessons in my context and I still often resist. But then I spend a moment in prayer, asking God to help me do what I can’t do alone. When I pray that prayer with sincerity, God comes through. When I still cling to my sense of importance, I struggle. Therefore, I am grateful for God’s forgiveness! I know He’ll give me more opportunities to choose wisely!
God bless you good friend! I look forward to the day when we can stand side-by-side in the faithful leadership to which we have both been called by God! And on that note, if I can serve you or those you lead in any way, let’s discuss!