“Love Your Enemy…”
Jesus said, ‘You have heard that it was said, “You shall love your neighbour and hate your enemy.” But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven; for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the righteous and on the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax-collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers and sisters, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” Matthew 5:43-48, NRSVA
Of all of Jesus’s commands, “Love your enemies” is probably one of the most difficult to do.
Instead of the ancient law of reciprocity—”an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” (Matt. 5:38)—which was meant to put a stop to endless retribution, Jesus not only tells his followers to “love” their enemies; they are also supposed to pray for those who persecute them.
Jesus acknowledges that there is both good and evil in the world. The sun rises and sets on all, equally.
Scholar Jonathan Pennington points out that, “especially for a people long oppressed and who were currently living under the heavy cultural and financial boot of the Roman Empire, hating one’s enemies seemed not only natural but divinely patriotic (cf. a modern-day notion of ‘Christian’ America that is interpreted as standing up against certain aspects of culture and government.)” [1]
In contrast to hating enemies, Jesus tells us to love them and our neighbor.
John Stott writes in The Message of the Sermon on the Mount, “God did not teach his people a double standard of morality, one for a neighbor and another for an enemy.” [2]
Stott goes on, “Our ‘neighbour’ in the vocabulary of God includes our enemy. What constitutes him our neighbour is simply that he is a fellow human being in need, whose need we know and are in a position in some measure to relieve.” [3]
Two Mindsets
Some people would be able to give you a long list of enemies. Other people would say they have no enemies.
Yet when we feel threatened in certain situations, it’s possible for any of to view “the other person” as an enemy.
Because of what Carol Dweck calls a “fixed mindset” in her book, Mindset; The New Psychology of Success, some people are more likely to feel threatened than people with a “growth mindset”.
Dweck describes the difference between these two mindsets; “The fixed mindset makes you concerned with how you’ll be judged; the growth mindset makes you concerned with improving.” [4]
The problem is that people with a fixed mindset are more prone to seeing threats; in their minds then, people become enemies.
In her chapter about love relationships, Dweck explains that when someone has been deeply hurt by a loved one, people with the fixed mindset “felt judged and labeled by the rejection. Permanently labeled. It was as though a verdict had been handed down and branded on their foreheads: UNLOVABLE! And they lashed out… their number one goal came through loud and clear. Revenge.” [5]
As leaders, we want to beware of the fixed mindset for many reasons. These reasons include a fear of taking healthy risks and a belief that effort is only for people who aren’t “born naturals” at a particular skill. [6]
Risk and Effort
Dweck explains, “Risk and effort are two things that might reveal your inadequacies and show that you were not up to the task. In fact, it’s startling to see the degree to which people with the fixed mindset do not believe in effort.” [7] Fixed-mindset people think that if they can’t do the thing (whatever that thing is), they must be inadequate, and people will judge them unfavorably. Forever.
In his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, Victor Frankl writes, “Thus it can be seen that mental health is based on a certain degree of tension, the tension between what one has already achieved and what one still ought to accomplish, or the gap between what one is and what one should become.” [8]
Shame and Enemy Mode
Not becoming all one “should” become—in other words, experiencing the occasional, inevitable failure—often leads to shame. Psychiatrist Curt Thompson writes,
Shame is a primary means to prevent us from using the gifts we have been given. And those gifts enable us to flourish as a light-bearing community of Jesus followers who work to create space for others who wish to join in to do so. Shame, therefore… is both a source and result of evil’s active assault on God’s creation, and a way for evil to try to hold out until the new heaven and earth appear at the consummation of history. [9]
Because of the belief that there is no hope to get better, a fixed mindset can contribute to a fear of failure, which often leads to shame and defensiveness, leading to “enemy mode” thinking.
In his book, Escaping Enemy Mode, neurotheologian Jim Wilder describes enemy mode this way:
The human brain is a natural amplifier, easily detecting unfriendly signals and returning them with more intensity. Enemy mode feels as if ‘you are not on my side.’ We don’t like people being against us. We don’t like the way enemy mode feels. Suspicion, wariness, and hostility toward others, even those trying to help, follows. Relational joy levels drop drastically. [10]
Wilder describes what happens when we go into enemy mode because we think the other person is a threat:
Could one brain state explain why we hate, stop listening, stop talking, start blaming, raise our voices, see others as against us, want them to lose, unfriend, post nasty remarks online, sue others, fall out of love, divorce, stop caring, abuse, bully, feel alienated, despise a politician, race or religious group, start wars, or carry out a genocide? Those reactions may be hot and cold, attacking and withdrawing, silent and loud. [11]
These are all indicators of enemy mode. Fixed-mindset people are more prone to quit (if they don’t succeed, at least they can blame their failure on not having tried very hard) and more prone to lord it over others to cover their shame and/or because they feel threatened.
Dweck warns that leaders with a fixed mindset don’t build great management teams. “Fixed-mindset people want to be the only big fish so that when they compare themselves to those around them, they can feel a cut above the rest.” [12] She also points out that none of the fixed-mindset CEOs she studied invested time or money in mentoring or employee development programs.
Leading with a Growth Mindset – Embracing the “Enemy” Within and Without
These are all critical elements to consider when we think about fixed mindsets, especially for leaders. When we operate from a fixed mindset, we limit our own potential and create barriers to connection and growth within our teams and organizations.
The fear of failure, the need to be right, and the tendency to see others as “enemies” when challenges arise – these are all hallmarks of a fixed mindset that can hinder effective leadership.
But there’s hope. By cultivating a growth mindset, leaders can transform their approach to challenges and relationships. This involves:
- Embracing vulnerability: Acknowledging our own limitations and being open to feedback. This creates a culture where others feel safe to take risks and learn from mistakes.
- Focusing on development: Viewing challenges as opportunities for growth, both for ourselves and for those we lead. This shifts the focus from judgment and blame to learning and improvement.
- Cultivating compassion: Remembering that everyone is on their own journey of personal and spiritual growth, and everyone is imago dei. This allows us to see “enemies” as fellow human beings and beloved children of God, each with their own struggles and insecurities. This helps us foster empathy and understanding.
- Promoting collaboration: Creating an environment where everyone feels valued and empowered to contribute. This breaks down “us vs. them” thinking and encourages a sense of shared purpose.
- Seeking spiritual growth: Drawing on spiritual practices and resources to cultivate humility, compassion, and a deeper understanding of ourselves and others. This can be through prayer, reflection, or engagement with scripture, grounding our leadership in a framework of faith and service.
Dweck points out that both mindsets can show up in the same person in different circumstances. [13] I find that to be true, personally.
Both/And – Choose Growth
While my continual level of effort and eagerness to learn new things would indicate a growth mindset, I am also aware that there are times when I feel like I have failed… and I’m ready to throw in the towel.
As someone with high Enneagram Three energy, I am reluctant to admit to failure because I am ashamed. Curt Thompson points out that shame isolates us when we most need community which is why he believes it is evil. (There are two kinds of shame; he’s talking about the kind meant to “dismantle” us, not the kind meant to grow us.)
And although I am more aware now of when I am becoming defensive, I can’t say it’s something I have mastered. Sure… there are times when I start to go into enemy mode too, especially when I feel my accomplishments or position are threatened.
That being said, I almost never quit on anything. I persevere. That certainly leads to growth. So yes, in personal experience, it feels like both mindsets can exist simultaneously.
We get to choose opportunities for growth that challenge us, all while leading with a spirit of compassion, humility, and a commitment to continuous learning.
But by intentionally choosing growth over defensiveness, vulnerability over judgment, and collaboration over competition, we can cooperate with the Holy Spirit to create a leadership legacy that fosters transformation in ourselves while empowering others to reach their full potential.
[1] Jonathan T. Pennington, The Sermon on the Mount and Human Flourishing; A Theological Commentary (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Academic, 2017), 200.
[2] John R.W. Stott, The Message of the Sermon on the Mount (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 1978), 117.
[3] Stott, 118.
[4] Carol S. Dweck, Mindset; The New Psychology of Success. How We Can Learn to Fulfill Our Potential (New York: Ballantine Books, 2006), 13.
[5] Dweck, 145.
[6] Dweck, 9.
[7] Dweck, 10.
[8] Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning (Boston: Beacon Press, 2006), 104-105.
[9] Curt Thompson, The Soul of Shame; Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2015), 13.
[10] Jim Wilder and Ray Woolridge, Escaping Enemy Mode; How Our Brains Unite or Divide Us (Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 2022), 19-20.
[11] Wilder, 20.
[12] Dweck, 112.
[13] Dweck, 47.
About the Author
Debbie Owen
Deborah C. Owen is an experienced spiritual director, Neuro-based Enneagram executive and life coach, disciple maker, professional writer, senior librarian, and long-time church Music Director and lay leader. She has earned the award of National Board Certification for teaching excellence, and a podcasting award, and is pursuing a Doctor of Leadership degree through Portland Seminary at George Fox University. She lives in the backwoods of Maine with her husband and flat-coated retriever. She spends as much time as she can with their 3 grown children, daughter-in-law, and 2 small grandchildren. Find her online at InsideOutMinistries.info.8 responses to ““Love Your Enemy…””
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Debbie,
I appreciated your bringing Frankl into your post. I agree that loving your enemy is a difficult command. It is easy to see people as enemies rather than people created in the image and likeness of God. As you contemplate your NPO, especially sabbath rest, where do you see a fixed mindset getting in the way of a person being able to rest, especially a pastor?
Thanks for the question Jeff. I’d say that Ryan is the expert on Sabbath rest 😉 but it’s something we all need to consider, especially with regard to not allowing ourselves to get to the point of being overwhelmed, stressed, or burned out.
A pastor with a fixed mindset may feel they have to be perfect in all their responsibilities, leading to chronic stress due to a lack of taking breaks or vacations.
They may also be resistant to taking time off because they need to feel in control to avoid failure.
They may become overcommitted and reluctant to delegate or take time off.
I could go on, but that’s a start.
Hi Debbie,
You said that as someone with high Enneagram Three energy, you hate to admit failure because you feel ashamed. In your reflections this week, are there any past challenges that you previously considered failure that now you can look at and say that you just haven’t succeeded yet?
Christy, what a great question! And coming right after the election, I can relate to Kamala Harris’s concession speech in which she said something like, “We have said, ‘When we fight, we win.’ Well, sometimes it takes a while longer to win.”
In answer to your question though, I could list out my failures… and I’m reviewing them in my mind… but off the top of my head, I can’t see that any of them have come into the “not yet” category.
It’s rare that I quit on something; only when someone has told me unequivocally to stop do I let things go. That may come out of perseverance… or the desire not to fail at something.
Debbie,
Thanks for the post. In it you mention that there are five things to help cultivate a growth mindset. I realize that we can’t always be working on all things all the time. Is there one area of these five that you might be the most focused on right now?
Adam, I would say I’m pretty much always focused on spiritual growth. Or nearly always anyway.
Considering the challenges of this past week, nationally, I am pretty sure cultivating compassion is something I’ll need to keep working on.
Debbie, thanks for your thoughtful post. I appreciate the five applications for leaders. These resonate with me as I seek to equip leaders in my own context. I am wondering how you might help leaders become more collaborative? What are the barriers for most leaders in this area?
Hi Debbie, Without wanting to get too far into next week’s rhythym, when you talked about risk and effort, I thought about our book for next week, Grit, The Power of Passion and Perseverance. Hope you find that book as interesting as I am.
For now, you mentioned that you rarely quit on anything and persevere through. Can you think of an example where you might have had to pivot your actions because what you were doing wasn’t working? And if so, how or did your pivot and perseverance help?